Can't be home anymore :(

[Lauriebell82]

I should mention that I work one night per week, which my husband watches baby. Gives a couple hundred dollars per month. I love this arrangement. With that, we were going way over (mostly just overspending) but did cut back and did well last month. Didn't quite break even but close. Will try to cut back and break even this month.

 

So I guess you could say that we are just "treading water" right now, but will eventually drown with our current situation. As I said before, husband sees the numbers, I see our son. Hence, the arguments. And I always lose.

[xxoo]

Do you need new cars if you don't go back to work?

 

Can you work a completely different type of job, on the weekends, making a thousand or so a month and requiring to child care? Plenty of my friends simply waited tables in the evenings and on weekends for those few years. No need for child care = more profit (even if the hourly wage is lower).

[lattes]

I should mention that I work one night per week, which my husband watches baby. Gives a couple hundred dollars per month. I love this arrangement. With that, we were going way over (mostly just overspending) but did cut back and did well last month. Didn't quite break even but close. Will try to cut back and break even this month.

 

So I guess you could say that we are just "treading water" right now, but will eventually drown with our current situation. As I said before, husband sees the numbers, I see our son. Hence, the arguments. And I always lose.

 

Since your husband only sees numbers, why don't you try using his language to speak to him?

 

Take a look at your expenses and see what you can cut out to get yourselves back to where you should be.

 

We took a financial hit to 'have it all' but that was a joint decision.

 

A few things we got rid of that add up quickly over a year:

 

Second car (HUGE)

Cable TV

Home Phone (we both had mobiles)

Fancy Cheese & Wine

Our 'date' budget (season tickets to theatre, opera and soccer were over $5k)

 

We also live near downtown so getting rid of a car was easy.

 

Again, it is all about what is right for you and your family.

[Mr. Lucky]

So I guess you could say that we are just "treading water" right now, but will eventually drown with our current situation. As I said before, husband sees the numbers, I see our son. Hence, the arguments. And I always lose.

If the argument is only about money, you will lose. It rarely makes financial sense to go from two to one income, especially in this economy. In the third year of having my wife stay home with our two young kids, we were anonymously given a gift basket from Catholic Charities one year for Christmas dinner, a huge blow to my pride to be considered a charity case. Another year we had to pay our income taxes late in installments, didn't have the money on April 15th. And yet somehow we saved, scrimped and scuffled our way through it until our children were school age. Worth every minute, including the dents to my ego ...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited January 24, 2013 by Mr. Lucky

[Lauriebell82]

I looked for some PRN (part time) where I could just do like a group or something to bring in a little extra. Those types of jobs that I would specifically want to do are hard to find though. I have told my husband that I have no desire to just do an "anything job," even in my field. I have a specific speciality and plan on sticking to it. I worked too hard and too long to waste my time on something else. He isn't a big fan of that idea though! I think he thinks I should "just suck it."

[xxoo]

I agree with your H on "sucking it up" and doing whatever works best for the family. My H waited tables in the evenings, after working his day job (the one he went to school for) until I could get an evening job to supplement our income.

 

You have to put your priorities in order, as a couple. Our priority was always keeping the little ones home--avoiding daycare. We worked all kinds of jobs and odd hours to make that happen.

 

It isn't that we want to wait tables. It is that we want to support our kids, and keep them out of daycare.

[BehindTheseHazelEyes]

I have been blessed for 9 months to be at home with my sweet baby boy, but it's not feasible for my husband and I.

 

Words of wisdom for me?

 

I think that a lot of posters overlooked this part.

 

Returning to work after your precious baby is born is hard. If it is a necessity, it is a necessity. But that doesn't heal your heart, does it?

 

You and your family will survive and thrive if this is your course. There are many options for child care in this day of two income families. Research them and find the best fit for your family.

 

Going back to work will be an adjustment, but if it has to be done, it has to be done.

 

There is nothing wrong with you going back to work. You have an educational background that you worked hard for. Happy children are raised by both SAHM and working moms. Neither is better than the other, just different.

 

Choose the provider you feel reflects your values and will provide an enriching, nurturing environment. And know that you made the best choice for your child. Your child will love you no matter what. And boy will he be happy to see you when you pick him up!

 

Get a routine in place and then stock kleenexes in the glove compartment for the first drop off. It will hurt and feel bad, but every mom goes through it when they have to go back to work. Everyone will get the new routine and it will be the new normal.

 

I can tell you love your son and your husband very much. The quality time you spend with your son is what matters. It will be hard for you in the beginning, but if it is a necessity, it is a necessity. Hugs to you.

[Els]

I agree with your H on "sucking it up" and doing whatever works best for the family. My H waited tables in the evenings, after working his day job (the one he went to school for) until I could get an evening job to supplement our income.

 

You have to put your priorities in order, as a couple. Our priority was always keeping the little ones home--avoiding daycare. We worked all kinds of jobs and odd hours to make that happen.

 

It isn't that we want to wait tables. It is that we want to support our kids, and keep them out of daycare.

 

Xxoo, you know I have always respected your viewpoints , but I think there's a big difference between LB deciding to do so and her husband pressuring her to do so. It sounds like they haven't even talked of alternative options - getting rid of stuff that they don't need, or HIM working extra hours at his job, or her going back completely to the workforce and HIM quitting his job to take care of the baby and work part time waiting tables, etc. Seems like the onus is all on her to discard her masters degree and 'suck it up' to do what is needed, while he happily maintains his career-track job with no talk of change. I think it is very right for her to be unhappy and upset in that case.

 

Speaking of which, how do the options I outlined above sound, LB?

[xxoo]

Xxoo, you know I have always respected your viewpoints , but I think there's a big difference between LB deciding to do so and her husband pressuring her to do so. It sounds like they haven't even talked of alternative options - getting rid of stuff that they don't need, or HIM working extra hours at his job, or her going back completely to the workforce and HIM quitting his job to take care of the baby and work part time waiting tables, etc. Seems like the onus is all on her to discard her masters degree and 'suck it up' to do what is needed, while he happily maintains his career-track job with no talk of change. I think it is very right for her to be unhappy and upset in that case.

 

Speaking of which, how do the options I outlined above sound, LB?

 

I didn't mean to suggest that I agree with his approach. Just that I, personally, would chose to "suck it up" occupationally if that allowed me to keep my kid out of daycare. That was my clear priority.

 

They need to figure out their own priorities, together. If LB's priority is staying home (not saying it should be), she may need to be the one to sacrifice professionally.

[Els]

I didn't mean to suggest that I agree with his approach. Just that I, personally, would chose to "suck it up" occupationally if that allowed me to keep my kid out of daycare. That was my clear priority.

 

They need to figure out their own priorities, together. If LB's priority is staying home (not saying it should be), she may need to be the one to sacrifice professionally.

 

Oh, I definitely agree with that. I just think that LB, instead of just caving in to his pressure to avoid further arguments and building resentment over it, should have a discussion with him about their other options.

[Lauriebell82]

Thanks for the input everyone!

 

My husband makes more money then me, so quitting his job is out. I own my car outright, we could get rid of his I suppose (he has a car payment) but I'm thinking we would probably lose money on that???? His car isn't worth very much..high mileage.

 

Husband could look for a higher paying job, but he works for a good company with opportunity for growth.

 

I probably sound like a biatch, but I don't want just any job! Sooo...as much as I hate it, I'm the one who will have to make the change.

[Els]

Oh, yep, sounds like it in this case. Sorry to hear that, LB, but you gotta do what you gotta do. If you realize that though, why are you and hubby arguing several times about it?

[Lauriebell82]

I realize it, but I can't accept it. That's what we fight about. It usually ends with a guilt trip and me feeling like crap.

[Els]

Do you feel that this points to a more general communication issue within your R that you both might need to work on? I don't think guilt trips are the right way to solve any problem, much less one of this magnitude.

[veggirl]

Thanks for the input everyone!

 

My husband makes more money then me, so quitting his job is out. I own my car outright, we could get rid of his I suppose (he has a car payment) but I'm thinking we would probably lose money on that???? His car isn't worth very much..high mileage.

 

Husband could look for a higher paying job, but he works for a good company with opportunity for growth.

 

I probably sound like a biatch, but I don't want just any job! Sooo...as much as I hate it, I'm the one who will have to make the change.

 

You don't sound like a bitch. Your husband sounds selfish and demanding and inconsiderate. How have you guys survived for 9 months on one income and now it is impossible? He agreed, with you, to 1.5 - 2 yrs of you at home and now he is backing out -- has he even considered alternatives with you (budgets etc as plenty of people have pointed out).

 

It's weird that you are so hesitant to discuss things with your HUSBAND because it will end in a fight/guilt trip.

[Lauriebell82]

There aren't a lot of large corporations in our area that have a lot of opportunity for advancement. He probably gets paid the maximum at his level, so he will have to get promoted to make significantly more.

 

We borrow from savings every month because we can't break even. We need to budget better, and are trying. But he wants to prevent future problems, where I see the here and now. I personally would like to "truck along" until it's 100% neccessary, whereas he just wants to prevent it from even being neccessary. Thats what the arguments are about.

[xxoo]

So your H feels you urgently need more income as a couple now. And the options, as you both see them, are:

 

you going back to work in your field (baby in daycare)

or you getting some other kind of work (possibly keeping baby out of daycare)

 

And you don't want to do either now.

 

Is that correct?

 

If so, are those really the only options?

 

What about taking in a couple children, and doing daycare at home?

[CarboniteCammy]

I'm a working mom. I have a 7 month old little boy and my husband works, too. We toyed around briefly with the idea of me staying home, and I did stay home with him for three months. If we have another kid during the time that this little one is still in daycare (which will probably happen) then I'm going to quit and be a stay at home mom, because my job will no longer offset the cost of daycare for two little ones.

 

I chose to go back to work. There was no real fight between me and my husband. I didn't think it was fair for him to have to bear this burden on his own, financially speaking. But, there were many other reasons. I like having my own money. I like my job.

 

I also am a better mom and appreciate my baby more if I have a break during the day from him.

 

I do really miss my baby during the day, but we got him in an excellent day care which is about one minute away from where I work, and I go see him almost every day at lunch (depending on the weather and my work load). I could walk there if I wanted to.

 

It helps alot to do that and it makes my day brighter when I go and see him, even if it's only for 30 minutes.

[xxoo]

Strictly from a problem solving perspective, it is important to acknowledge and respect each other's "No way, can't do that" points, but keep the focus on finding other possible solutions.

 

It sounds like he is not ok with trucking along until savings run out. I can't really blame him there. But two educated, creative, able-bodied individuals should be able to figure out something that will work for both of you.

[veggirl]

Did you guys not consider budgets / savings before you had the baby or something? You guys didn't do that math? I'm surprised your husband, considering you say he is so #s oriented, would have agreed to anything if he hadn't run the #s on your staying home....??

 

I think seeing if you can find other kids to babysit during the day is a great idea.

[Lauriebell82]

We did do the math prior to having the baby, and had lots of savings. But I guess we just didnt budget hard enough because we spent a lot more then intended.

 

My husband thought about the babysitting idea...problem is, I HATE babysitting.

 

I think someone had suggested a "one car family" idea, which is something we are considering when my husband has his car paid off. How do you manage that? Isn't that hard?

[xxoo]

I think someone had suggested a "one car family" idea, which is something we are considering when my husband has his car paid off. How do you manage that? Isn't that hard?

 

Heck yeah, it's hard. It meant sacrificing fun toddler activities because we didn't have transportation, walking with the stroller to get groceries in all sorts of weather, and sometimes getting up very early to drive my H to work so we could have the car if we needed it (doctor appts, etc).

 

But everyone sacrifices something.

 

It sounds like you are vetoing a lot of things because you don't want to do this or that. What do you want? What is your priority? What are you willing to sacrifice to make that happen?

[Mr. Lucky]

It sounds like you are vetoing a lot of things because you don't want to do this or that. What do you want? What is your priority? What are you willing to sacrifice to make that happen?

Agreed. What you are proposing to do if you stay home isn't easy, convenient or financially advantageous. And while we can argue that the end result is worth it, that only matters if both of you are willing to make the sacrifices involved.

 

Here's what you said in your first post:

 

"I have been blessed for 9 months to be at home with my sweet baby boy"

 

I'm assuming you gave some things up to make that happen. Are you interesting in continuing to do so?

 

Mr. Lucky

[TaraMaiden]

I realize it, but I can't accept it. That's what we fight about. It usually ends with a guilt trip and me feeling like crap.

Welcome to the world of motherhood.

Guilt trips, inadequate funds, and the real expense of just how much it costs to bring a beloved child into this world.

9 months - ONLY 9 months - and already you're feeling the pinch!

 

You need to seriously think about down the line when your baby WILL need daycare, schooling and everything that comes with it!

And don't listen to the "Are you going to have more children?" merchants, if right now, this choice is already proving to be a challenge...

 

And a final note:

You can NEVER budget for children.

People who think they have enough collateral to afford to have a baby are all too frequently blind-sided by the simple fact that such ideas are merely pipe-dreams.

 

It's an impossible dynamic.

 

IF it comes down to you HAVING to find work, you will have to find a job that will also adequately cover the cost of childcare, AND the extra mileage you'll have to do in getting to and from work, either by public transport, or having a second car.

Figure out those totals before deciding to look for a job.

 

I worked when my children were young - only to find that my ENTIRE salary was going on childcare and my own transportation to/from work! In fact, my H. even subsidised it - so I stopped working.

 

So it was a pointless exercise.

I ended up being a SAHM, which I loved, because I cultivated an interest in other activities and hobbies, but I will tell you now, it was hard work, brain-numbing, isolating and it kept me out of the job market for so long, I was not equipped to go back to my 'career' once my children were old enough to go to school.

 

I'm glad you have your baby Lauriebell82, truly I am. I know you love him more than words could describe, and you don't for one instant regret your decision - but having a child is always, but always harder than anyone imagines, and does bring up an awful lot of issues you never believed existed or knew about.

 

Parenthood is a thankless task - it's a huge drain on resources, and nobody is ever fully prepared for it, all things considered. No doubt it's 'rewarding'. But at times, it's sometimes hard to see precisely where these rewards are, when your world is looking confused and a little bleak....

 

Good Luck mom - you're going to need it.

[xxoo]

I do feel that parenting in tremendously rewarding, even on the hardest days.

 

But parenting has forever altered the way I think about wants and needs.

 

Work or not, there is no easy road. The best we can hope for is the opportunity to choose our road, and feel good about our choice.