I think my partner has a crush on a co-worker

[Sheba]

I am 40 and in a 7 year, live-in relationship with a man. We work together. My low self esteem has become a big problem. Recently, he has appeared to be very attracted to a beautiful woman we both work with. He sits next to her at the lunch table all the time. His body is always turned towards her and he directs most of his comments to her. Sometimes, despite that the room is full of people, they seem to be having an exclusive conversation. He always seems really happy to speak to her - has a huge smile on his face - and stands very near to her. One day, he chose to help her and another woman clean the copy room (despite that he had told me he had a lot of work to do) and when I needed to go in to do some copying, my partner and this woman were standing in the corner working together, so near that they were touching shoulders. He does not treat any of the other women we work with this way.

 

I have discussed my concern with my partner. He says he likes this woman as a friend, and that he also likes her partner and would not be trying to pursue a relationship with her.

 

My fear stems from the fact OUR relationship started out the same way, at work, becoming friends. I believe I see the signs of an attraction that may be simply unplanned, but there.

 

What do you think? Are the signs I describe anything? Am I worried about nothing?

[sami]

You have every right to be concerned. Just talk to him about it and see his reaction. Good luck

[Bubbles]

Sorry to say this but.......it may be something worth thinking about.

 

If that is how you caught the man......That is how you will loose him.

 

 

Bubbles

[sami]

Not necessarily Bubbles.

[Bubbles]

Hey.....maybe not always but pretty close! I have personally known quite a few women who have gotten involved with men who are already involved with other women. And guess what happened? Yep, that's right..........they ended up getting together and in the end what happened to my friends? The guy started dated someone else before breaking up with her too.

 

It's the same with this statement also: A person NEVER looks under the bed unless......they have been there themselves. That's also a very true statement

 

So.....I will eternally stand by my comment! I know that there are many people who agree with me. If you don't....that's o.k. - that's what makes the world go 'round!

 

 

Bubbles

[DerangedAngel]

I have personally known quite a few women who have gotten involved with men who are already involved with other women. And guess what happened? Yep, that's right..........they ended up getting together and in the end what happened to my friends? The guy started dated someone else before breaking up with her too.

 

She didn't say that he was attached when she got together with him, only that their relationship started after meeting through work. Here:

 

My fear stems from the fact OUR relationship started out the same way, at work, becoming friends.

 

To the original poster, you may very well be worried about nothing, but it seems odd that he is singling out one woman and being unusually friendly. Talk to him again.

 

-Deranged

[sami]

May be the only way for you or me to change our views if we meet one day face to face. Hope you'll agree on this.

[Bubbles]

I have a better idea........sometimes two people need to "agree to dis-agree"

Sound fair?

 

Are you flying me to where you are.......LOL I'd love to get out of this God Forsaken Cold Country........where are you?

 

 

Bubbles

[tattoomytoe]

hey at least you work there with them...although that can really suck too, but at least you can kinda watch him, and then decide if he is worth the feelings.

[sami]

I'm somewhere in the States buddy.

[whichwayisup]

Is this other woman involved with someone else? Why not make a joke of it and tell your husband that he has a crush!! Involve yourself in it...Make sure you are included in a lunch/coffee break and then see what happens, how he reacts.

 

I don't know how serious this crush is, but that could be all it is. A crush...It's a ego thing, makes him feel desired and wanted even though he has you. I personally know my hubby has women friends at work and one is gorgeous, big boobs and all. It only bothered me for a day, we discussed it and basically I just wanted him to make sure SHE knew he was with me. He would not cheat on me, I do know that.

It is nice to be friends with someone you like spending time with, doesn't always mean that it's gonna be they'll end up bed or having an affair. Just a thought here.

 

When you met him were you involved with someone else? Was he? There is NOTHING wrong with meeting someone at work and ending up with them as long as you are both available.

 

WWIU

[Bubbles]

WWIU has some good ideas........you should maybe make yourself known to this woman. Great idea. If there is nothing going on then neither of them would mind if you tagged along for lunch right?

 

Do the people in your office know that you and this fellow are living with each-other? and I support WWIU's question......is SHE involved with anyone at this time?

 

 

Bubbles

[Sheba]

Hi Bubbles and others

 

Thank you all very much for your answers. Everyone at work knows we live together, it is a very small office. The woman in question is in a long-term common law relationship herself.

 

I have asked my partner about his feelings for this woman and he denies that he feels anything towards her except friendship. He says he likes her AND her partner. I like them both too. He likes other women that we know and work with, the difference is that he does NOT interact with them in the same way. The woman is very nice, a flirt herself, but definitely someone I have always gotten along with very well. I am having some trouble keeping up a friendly appearance with her lately, as I am so dismayed

 

Of course, I do not expect him to admit that he has a "crush" on a woman - he would know that would be hurtful to me and that I might even end our relationship. I hoped, when I told him how I felt, that he would be more conscious of the way he interacted with this lady and that he would be careful not to leave me or anyone with the impression he was flirting, however I saw the behaviour continue after telling him about my concern. I am left to wonder if he is just so thrilled to be on such friendly terms with her that he can't resist the temptation and ego-gratification, or if he really likes her and wants to see where the friendship may go...

 

Recently, I asked again and he became very angry. He says he will not monitor how he behaves at work because he does nothing wrong. He said again that he really liked this woman's common-law husband.

[whichwayisup]

He does seem kinda defensive huh...Hmm. That makes me wonder..and the fact that he has brought up the husband really has nothing to do with it. Seems possible that he is just enjoying the flirting and bantering that goes on between them, but doesn't want it to go anywhere...i don't know. Just sit and watch...Read their body language and look for blushing too.

 

Maybe in the ladies room ask HER why she loves spending so much time with your husband? Just come right out and ask. Dont act all jealous, just say it as a matter of fact. Like, "So, You love spending time with my husband eh! Hmm, You guys ever get any work done or what..." Something like that...Can do a firm approach (then skip the last part of the quest...If wanna joke around more, then add that in and make a joke of it.) BUT watch for reactions carefully.

 

Best of luck and keep posting.

 

WWIU

[Sheba]

Thanks for the answer WWIU

 

I am wondering if I would TOTALLY ruin my relationship with this woman if I asked her about the interaction. It has crossed my mind to say something, but it is hard to think of something non-confrontational. I do NOT think I am capable of saying it in a light hearted way. I would like to say "I have noticed that there seems to be a bit of flirting going on between the two of you, and it upsets me". How might she react to that?

 

I think she likes to be my friend too, but I am well aware from the 10 years I have known her that she does like to get attention from men, and shares little stories about it with the girls at work. Not in a "sleazy" way, but just in a "share the fun" way, telling us all about how this man or that man asked her out, or told her she was beautiful (she is!). I think she would back off from my boyfriend, but that does not help me know if HE is "unfaithful in his heart", and he would certainly be FURIOUS with me if he ever learned I had such a conversation.

[sadgrrl]

one thing I'm wondering about is whether she's interested in him -- maybe she's just getting off on the attention, and that's it. Do you see any signs she's particularly interested in him?

 

Also, I'm siding with the "involve yourself in it" post -- what if you try to befriend her, hang out with her more. I'm only saying cuz I dated someone who worked with a beautiful amazing woman I was extremely threatened by. Turned out, she and I got along really well and she became closer to me than my guy. He felt a little left out, but what the hell... I think he respected our friendship because all his exs were threatened by this woman too.

 

But she sounds like she might be kind of annoying if she's always talking about how beautiful she is.

[whichwayisup]

Sheba, I would give it abit of time before you approach her....As you said, being non-confrontational is going to be hard for you then don't do it. You know she will go directly to him and tell him what happened. The joking way is actually safer, but give it time. Remember, just watch the body language between them and keep your eyes open. Maybe ask around abit too. Do you have any close girlfriends who can help you out too? Like if they see anything inapproiate going on they could mention it to you?

 

I don't think it would totally ruin your friendship with this woman...But then again if it did then there obviously is a reason...Most women in relationships who try to pursue OW man as a friend should know it will cause some questions let alone the wife/girlfriend herself. SO what if the friendship is ruined...if she allows it to ruin then she was never your friend to start with. You know what I mean? If she is your friend, she'll back off from him and realize that the flirting and closeness is bugging you.

 

I do have many male friends. I worked with just men mostly and honestly it was alot more FUN! I guess I became 'one of the boys' but it was good. Yes we all got flirty and stuff, but that is what made it abit more entertaining because sometimes converstations and/or joking around in a group was safer becausae we were all married and stuff. Nothing being taken the wrong way and knew it was all just a joke. Seemed to me the single guys kinda just watched and laughed but didn't get involved in the joking around beacuse they were not as secure if I was joking around or not. (Not that we all touched or anything lol. it was just fun bantering and picking on eachother actually, playing stupid jokes on eachother.) My husband didn't mind, he actually loved hearing the stories I would tell about it, the jokes and practical jokes etc.

 

I guess my orginal idea is include yourself with them more, become abit more friendly with her, but also if you can, drop afew HINTS...She's a smart cookie, she'll pick up on it right away!!! I would probably say something like, "Hmm, since you're probably going to see MY husband today more than me can you do me a small favour?? Ask him what he wants for dinner tonight!!" lol, see how that goes over!!

 

Good luck and keep on posting!

[Sheba]

WWIU

 

You are right, she is smart. My man has said "she has noticed your inappropriate reaction, she is cooler to me". In a way, I was very happy to hear that, but also upset that he was so angry when he was telling me that she seemed a little less friendly.

 

Really, my problem is with him far more than her. I don't want to control her behaviour at all, I want him to chose to behave in a manner which does not make me feel threatened. He is the one who is supposed to be most concerned about my feelings. If he is having an "emotional affair" with her, or has developed a crush on her, I don't want him. That is the bottom line for me. I feel that in our relationship, a crush would be a sign of the "beginning of the end" and if that is what is going on I would like to reduce the length of the painful period.

 

I am posting in the hopes that all of you "out there" will tell me if you think I am "insane" by being suspicious in these circumstances or if what I have described sounds to you like the signs or behaviour of a man with some sort of crush.... So far, the majority seem to think there is reason for concern.

 

We have all worked together for 10 years, and this is something new, which I have only noticed over the past several months. This concern is distracting me from my work. It is causing huge problems. He has accused me of "spying" because I was walking down a hallway that I walk down several times EVERY day, and saw him hanging over her desk. I was upset but tried to hide it but he is VERY perceptive - he knew I was upset because of what I saw and gave me hell for spying and for being suspicious.

[whichwayisup]

You are right. Do what you have to do to get through this. He really is being quite a knob about it all too. Like your feelings don't count and he is only thinking of himself and having fun with this woman! DO they actually get any work done??? I know work is supposed to be fun and stuff, but once in a while it's nice to DO the actual job! lol.

 

You say it's affecting you at work, I can totally see why...It's in your face all the time! Even if you are not spying, it's there right infront of you! It's unfair too. Take some time for yourself and just let him do what he wants to do then...You worry about yourself for now and figure out how you're gonna deal with this situation. Because it does seem it is a situation now, not just having fun and innocent flirting. He's too defensive and being sh*tty about it.

[Sheba]

WWIU

 

I think you have identified one of the things that convinces me that I am right to worry: his defensiveness. I have not made any demand of him, not said "don't talk to her" or "stop sitting with her", I have only told him that I am concerned. His reaction seems inappropriate to me, too. He continues to tell me I am "crazy" and have no basis for concern.

 

Recently, he has agreed to go to see a counsellor with me to help resolve this issue. I believe that he fully expects me to be told by the counsellor to "let go" of my "problem". Who knows, maybe that is what will happen. I feel encouraged by his willingness to go see someone, though I am convinced his belief is that he will find an ally in his campaign to "do what he wants".

[whichwayisup]

HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE! BOY is he in for a huge surprise if that is what he thinks! That therapist will not side with him. Trust me on this one. Hmm, Love to be a little fly on the wall for that one, just to see the look on his face when she calls him on his BS.

 

I'm am surprised that he considers it your issue! He needs a good smack on the head! Both heads actually!! LOL He is deflecting and making it YOUR fault, that YOU can't handle the friendship. Well, he should include you more. Like they go for coffee and he should tell HER, hey, I'm bringin my wife too, so wait or we'll catch up with you. Thing is, he doesn't want to share, he's eating up all the attention she gives him and is getting off on it...You know what I mean...

[Bubbles]

wwiu!

 

You are cracking me up too. You are absolutly right about his actions AND the reaction that the cousillor is going to have.

He's in for a huge awakening!

 

Bubbles

[EnigmaXOXO]

Recently, I asked again and he became very angry. He says he will not monitor how he behaves at work because he does nothing wrong. He said again that he really liked this woman's common-law husband.

 

Then let him flirt and rub shoulders with the husband. I doubt if this was a "male" co-worker he'd be acting in such a way for fear others might question his motives or sexuality. He'd probably feel "funny" about it, himself. Friends are friends, co-workers are co-workers, and regardless of gender…if it's on the up-and-up you treat everyone the same.

 

And it's not so much about monitoring his behavior at "work"…it's about monitoring his behavior when in a relationship. Or even a "friendship" for that matter.

 

This is what concerns me the most about your situation:

 

I hoped, when I told him how I felt, that he would be more conscious of the way he interacted with this lady and that he would be careful not to leave me or anyone with the impression he was flirting, however I saw the behaviorcontinue after telling him about my concern.

 

No need to quibble over possible motives here. Your boyfriend clearly does not regard your feelings as being a higher priority to his newfound friendship (or whatever the heck he claims it is). Clearly, your concerns have fallen onto deaf ears. He's either dense as a brick or blatantly thoughtless and uncaring. No need to get chummy-chummy with the girl. It may only make things more comfortable for him thinking he's gained your trust. And phony friendships maintained out of fear are far more trouble than they're worth. You owe her absolutely nothing except your respect…but ONLY if its returned.

 

Meanwhile, stop tippy-toeing around their private little rendezvous and deliver your ultimatum: Either Mr. Studly Do-Right cleans up his act…or he's OUT.

 

And say it like you mean it!

[Bubbles]

Well said Enigma!

 

Cheers! See Sheba? You're not crazy or paranoid! You are a smart, observant woman!!!!

 

 

Bubbles

[Sheba]

Thank you all so much for your responses.

 

My partner is very clever. He is actually a psychologist himself, though not presently practising as one. He certainly has made me feel as if I have been unfair, imaginative and paranoid in reacting to what I see. He characterizes me as "looking" for a problem, where there is not one. I would have to be a masochist, if that were true, yet he makes me doubt myself.

 

I hope that you are correct about what may occur. I am trying to get an appointment with a MALE counsellor, but having some trouble because, naturally, he knows many of the local psychologists and does not want to see someone he knows. I am hoping that, if the counsellor gives credence to my views (as you have), it will help my partner to hear it from a man and make it less easy for him to discount the advice of the counsellor.

 

I will let you know. In the mean time, I appreciate your support.