xxBree Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 My ex bf and I are trying to work on our relationship after many complications and problems with one of them being that I cheated on him. We've been best friends for a while and decided to give a relationship a try. One night I went to a party with some friends and ended up getting wasted and I kissed a guy who went to college with me. I told my (then) bf that night after I sobered up a bit and recalled the event that took place, and he was devastated, obviously. Our relationship was fairly new and fragile and I ruined it. He didn't think I was ready for a relationship and said we needed to go our separate ways. I didn't want our relationship to end. I begged him to give me another chance. He did. The month following the second chance, a lot of other issues arose that complicated our relationship. His ex girlfriends kept on interacting with him in some form or another via texts, fb, and even had the guts to ask him out for lunch dates a few times in which he asked for my permission to go. I got annoyed bc it's like shouldn't you know how to respond back without me telling you what to do? My ex was respectful and did not bother us at all while we were pursuing our relationship but his exes were different and he didn't understand why I was so upset. They both still had feelings for him and I am afraid he might go back to one of them. See, when we were just friends he told me a lot of things. I was there when he went through both relationships and knew his dirty secrets. The one that haunts me the most is that he cheated on his gf (now ex) at the time with his first ex. I knew all about this going into a relationship with him. He felt really bad about what he did that he broke up with her (didnt tell her the reason) bc he realized he probably didn't love her if he could cheat on her. Then his friends got into the picture and didn't approve of our relationship bc my first ex was a mutual friend of their's, although they weren't close at all. He got frustrated bc his friends weren't happy for him and was doubting our relationship. His best guy friend was actively against us being together and knew what to do to tick him off. He ignored him, didnt support his decision, and became really close to my ex and eventually hated both of us. He then broke up with me bc his friends made him realize he wasn't ready for a relationship and that we were taking things too fast. I was very upset and again, asked to work things out slower this time. We struggled to do this for a few months and work through all the ex-gfs and friend issues. Then he tells me that my past still haunts him and he can't get over it. And he doesn't trust me when I'm drunk bc I am a different person. In addition, he will be leaving to go to grad school soon and doesn't know if he can trust me enough for a log distance relationship to work out. I love him a lot, and am willing to work to gain his trust again. But he said he doesn't see a future with me bc there is no trust. How do I gain his trust back and make this work? I have no intention of seeing anyone else. My heart is in the right place with the right man, and he loves me, but is confused. I was reckless when I got drunk one time and it's costing me the man I love. Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 Sounds like there is an awful lot of drama with this relationship. Things really shouldn't be this difficult. You can't blame him for not trusting you. Maybe you two should give eachother time for a while as it would be quite difficult to rebuild trust while in a LDR. Link to post Share on other sites
Author xxBree Posted January 24, 2013 Author Share Posted January 24, 2013 What can I do to gain his trust back? Link to post Share on other sites
c0nfuzd Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 stop getting wasted and cheating....be more transparent find out why it is you can't control yourself with other men when drinking...we all get wasted from time to time but that doesn't give us a green light to screw around....are you sure you are completely fulfilled with your bf and there's nothing missing in your relationship? if you go to a party and your bf can't go, take another trusted friend with you....one that can keep an eye on you and help you if you get wasted Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 If I were to ever give a woman another chance, then the minute she went out partying without me, she'd be history. So there might be one thing to gain back trust, which is to not go out and purchase from the meat market. Link to post Share on other sites
Author xxBree Posted January 24, 2013 Author Share Posted January 24, 2013 It's only happened once and ever since then I have not let myself get carried away. It was like a wake up message to start growing up and stop being a reckless college student. I am either with him or with my best friends when I go out. I'll take time for him, but on my part I know now how to take better care of myself so he won't worry so much. He sees that I am trying, but he's not so sure he can trust me by the time he leaves for grad school in the summer Link to post Share on other sites
aed Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 (edited) It's only happened once and ever since then I have not let myself get carried away. It was like a wake up message to start growing up and stop being a reckless college student. I am either with him or with my best friends when I go out. I'll take time for him, but on my part I know now how to take better care of myself so he won't worry so much. He sees that I am trying, but he's not so sure he can trust me by the time he leaves for grad school in the summer I have never bin cheated on (atleast as I know of), but I had/have my doubts with one of my ex-gfs. But serious doubt is enough for me to walk away. When you are only dating. When you have cheated on youre OS. If it happend once or 20 times it doesn't matter for the trust (20 times is just easier for the BS to walk away). So don't minimize your cheating, once is always one time to many. What if your bf beat you in the hospital only once? What if he is really sorry about it, and says to you: "it only happend once" Do you ever feel save and do you think you can trust him ever again? Edited January 24, 2013 by aed Link to post Share on other sites
Author xxBree Posted January 24, 2013 Author Share Posted January 24, 2013 Yes, that is true. So at this point do I just leave him alone and hope for the best? But I want to show him that things will be ok and to build that trust that will make a long distance relationship work. Link to post Share on other sites
aed Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 Yes, that is true. So at this point do I just leave him alone and hope for the best? But I want to show him that things will be ok and to build that trust that will make a long distance relationship work. Oh you are LDR? I didn't know that. That is even far more difficult for you and him to get over this. How can he see that you are truelu remorsefull? and expirience your you making up to him. 'Just not hooking up anymore' (because you are still going to be tempted because: you still are going out with your best friends. But that is not the only option of course. This is going to be hard for you. How do you want to show him you he can trust you again? Telling him 100 times won't be enough I think. Link to post Share on other sites
Author xxBree Posted January 24, 2013 Author Share Posted January 24, 2013 We are both ending our last year in college right now and he will be moving away for graduate studies in the fall. I have a little over 7 months to gain his trust and make our relationship survive a LDR. If I am not able to gain his trust by then then I have failed. I honestly do not want anyone else and will still be willing to work on things when he is away, but he says if he can't trust me by the time he leaves then we are done. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 The one that haunts me the most is that he cheated on his gf (now ex) at the time with his first ex. I knew all about this going into a relationship with him. He felt really bad about what he did that he broke up with her (didnt tell her the reason) bc he realized he probably didn't love her if he could cheat on her. . Ok... this is what HE learned from cheating. When you kiss another guy at a party... he is probably thinking that means you don't love him... because that has been his own experience with cheating. I don't think you can force him to trust you. It isn't really your fault... it just comes down to both of you being immature and not ready for a serious relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 Are you both planning to go to the same grad school? I don't see a long distance relationship surviving the complications that you are already experiencing. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 It's only happened once and ever since then I have not let myself get carried away. It was like a wake up message to start growing up and stop being a reckless college student. I am either with him or with my best friends when I go out. So I'll ask, are you going to refrain going out and partying without him? Because I'll tell you one thing, and I can't speak for all men, but I'm guessing I speak for a majority, is that if a woman went out partying and cheated, then that betrayed man isn't going to put up with you partying with friends anymore. And not talking about going out to the movies or shopping. Talking about bar hopping and clubbing. Any man would be a fool to keep a cheating woman that continued to go to the meat markets. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 We are both ending our last year in college right now and he will be moving away for graduate studies in the fall. I have a little over 7 months to gain his trust and make our relationship survive a LDR. If I am not able to gain his trust by then then I have failed. I honestly do not want anyone else and will still be willing to work on things when he is away, but he says if he can't trust me by the time he leaves then we are done. Well, then you're done already. You can't put a timetable on when someone is or is not going to trust you again! And let's face it. If what you're saying is true, the your infraction wasn't all THAT bad. Bad....But not devestating. He is NEVER going to trust you like he trusted you in the beginning of the relationship ever again. He will NEVER have a trusting feeling toward you like that. Can he regain a lot of trust in you? Sure, if he wants to put forth the effort, but it will never be like when you first started to date. And that's the other thing. Okay, you screwed up and you need to do the majority of the heavy lifting in order to fix this, but he's got to put the effort in as well. Not stand by with a damn clip board with a critique sheet on it measuring your performance. You'll never win. Link to post Share on other sites
Author xxBree Posted January 25, 2013 Author Share Posted January 25, 2013 I have ~7 months to gain his trust back before he leaves. I don't think that's enough time. He is always with me when we go out now and he knows I'm doing my part, but he is still finding it hard to forgive and forget, which is totally understandable. After we got together I had a really hard time forgetting about his cheating that involved his ex gf's. I wasn't even involved and I couldn't get over it. I just need more time for him to heal and to show him that he can trust me. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 I have ~7 months to gain his trust back before he leaves. I don't think that's enough time. I don't think that is either. But that depends on him. He is always with me when we go out now Thats a start, but how long will that last? Link to post Share on other sites
Author xxBree Posted January 26, 2013 Author Share Posted January 26, 2013 I don't think that is either. But that depends on him. Thats a start, but how long will that last? It will last for as long as it takes. I enjoy going out with him so it's a win-win for me. Link to post Share on other sites
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