So Angry- Reached that phase

[SMF]

MY ex broke up with me after a wonderful relationship via telephone while I was on a business trip out of the blue.....We were together for 1 year.

 

Thereafter he refused contact. We have been broken up for not even 5 weeks. I tried to contact him thereafter and he REFUSED and made me feel insignificant and all the while it was his own defense (to not communicate) bc he is a wimp and couldn't face up to his decision and hearing me upset. SO we didn't speak.

 

Most recently (last week) we spoke. I called him and now all of a sudden he wants to be a good guy and "treat me with respect" and "we can talk if you want" and "i want to help you get over this" and "i want to help you move on" etc... I was so disgusted but I handled it like a lady and just said, you cannot help me and i don't want to speak to you. He spoke out of BOTH sides of his mouth.

 

For the last 5 weeks, I have been angry but the pain and hurt that I was feelign just caused me to be sad. FOR some reason this morning- I HAVE WOKEN UP and I am SOOOOOO Angry that he treated me the way that he did, wasted our relationship, fooled me, tricked me. I think he is so CRUEL. I never ever called him one name or disrespected him throughout this whole process... He got away with murder.

 

Do you think he knows what he has done? I want to email him and tell him how much he hurt me and get it all out but what does that solve? Just re-confirms in his head that he did the right thing bc he can't face the fact that he is a bad person for doing this and he will just justify it as "there is not a nice way to break up w/ someone". well there is a way to have some class.

 

what to do? do i vent and give him a piece of my mind or do i swallow it and use it as ammunition to not call and just move on?

[awuu]

[font=arial][/font]

I see where ur coming from, the way you just want to let loose all your anger and hate at them...but the best thing that ppl say to do is to be the bigger person and dont stoop to that level...

 

I know exactly how you are feeling since i had the same problem. I still havent gotten over being dumped and i kept all that anger stored up. Unfortunately i thought i could control it but it came out and i just let loose everybad feeling.

 

The thing that helps me is a journal. A journal is a friend who can never spill any secrets but can listen.

 

I hope your problem gets better

[KaiaMahina]

That's French (or nearabouts what I can recall of it from high school) for "Shut your mouth."

 

You're a day late and a dollar short through no fault of your own, and the only thing it will do now is make you look vindictive and incapable of coping.

 

Decent human beings with integrity will end a relationship face-to-face, and allow for the possibility that the other person will unleash a torrent of abuse at him. That's the grown up way, as ugly as it is. But men like your ex (and mine) aren't grown ups. They will cut you loose and tell you what's "wrong" with you as their reasons for doing it, but they're not about to listen to any negative comments concerning their own behavior.

 

Yes, he knows what he's done to you, which is why he did it the way he did it in the first place. He's well aware of the damage and he knows very well what you must think of him. My ex told me, "You must hate me right now!" before he hung up on me. He understood how much he was hurting me, but he didn't want to hear about it from me! And let's face it, if your ex doesn't know it by now, nothing you say will enable him to realize it. He'll simply view it as the tiresome screeching of a scorned woman.

 

I've spent sometimes HOURS telling my ex what a sorry sack of sh** he is. I've hacked his bones clean with cutting comments, and skewered his cowardly heart through and through with barbed diatribes. He never gets a word in edgewise! He has to listen to every syllable, no matter how degrading, demeaning and insulting it is because he doesn't have any choice. Because he's a captive audience in my cruel and colorful imagination.

 

Some people sing in the shower. I tell my ex what a miserable, sad ass SOB he is. Some people sing along to the radio while they're driving home from work. I tell my ex in excruciating detail exactly what I think ought to be done to knobby-kneed chickens**ts such as himself. I rant, I rave, I scream, I compose monologues filled with the most ungodly profanity and ruthless maliciousness that it almost frightens me. Yeah, my pet rabbit hears it. The neighbors probably hear it. Innocent passers-by on the street hear it. But my ex never does.

 

Because I won't give him the satisfaction of coming off as some kind of lunatic shrew, the proverbial "psycho ex-girlfriend", even though if I were to spew all this venom at him, there wouldn't be a false or unjustifiable word to be found in it. My ex has behaved shamefully and he doesn't deserve one word from me, good, bad or indifferent. My persistent silence speaks louder than any sentence I can utter. My silence says, "You're so reprehensible that I won't even degrade myself to speak to you." I'm not "swallowing" anything -- I'm avoiding that which is beneath me.

 

And I'll say again, it's been my experience that people generally bring misfortune on themselves by behaving like this. Sure, it looks like they "get away with murder" if you fail to retaliate, or to vent your justifiable anger at them. Let them believe that they have. What they believe has almost nothing to do with reality. Throughout all the ages and cultures of the world, there's one persistent message, and that message is essentially that what goes around comes around. That why you're exhorted to treat others as you would like to be treated -- because you WILL BE!

 

I know exactly what you're feeling SMF. It won't always be this intense. I'm more than 2 months in, and it's tapering off for me. If he were to contact me, believe it, I would let him have it with both barrels and then reload! He'd be asking for it. But would I break no contact to put my two cents worth in? Hell, no. My dignity is worth more than a few moments of giving him what for. And unfortunately, those few moments only inflame your anger instead of dousing it. It's simply not worth it.

 

Walk on, SMF. There's no use in explaining to a rabid dog that it's rabid. Just shoot it and leave it in a ditch.

[SMF]

I WAS HOPING You would respond bc you give the best advice KaiaMahina.

 

Thank you!!!!! For catching me in my footsteps.. your advice means so much to me and its empowering and it came at the best moment.

 

Its so ironic that our "exs" are so similar... and we don't even know each other! Its true- bc its their own inadaquacies that prevent them from ever "closing the deal with their heart and their emotions" instead like little babies they run run run and don't want to face the mess that they just made on the person they were once so fufilled by.

 

Its so angering. I trust that this phase will pass as I have gone through the phases properly. I am filled with rage that is why I have to go running bc it allows me to stomp on the treadmil as if I am stomping on his skinny weak head.

 

You are ENLIGHTENING- I don't even know you and I am so proud of how you handle yourself. You put everything into perspective.

 

The last thing I want to appear is a lunatic, vindictive person - I would rather walk away knowing that I have class, took the high road and have my pride and dignity. This other person has nothing.

 

My father is a physciatrist- and basically he has informed me that people like our exes are sick. Even if we were to lash out and tell them how we really feel based on how they have treated themselves, they will rationalize it in their head to say- I didn't do anything wrong- look at this crazy person. Its like they hit someone with their car and they say- this person jumped in front of my car- I didn't do anything wrong.

 

They are spinless, dogs that need their mommy.

 

You are right- they are beneath us- we are above it. We have character, we are grounded in reality and we are good people!!!!

 

I don't know why I would give him the satisfaction of saying you did this, you treat me like this, you make me feel like this.... whats the point. to him that will be - ok now she is pining still and not over it. although i want him to know what a coward i think he is- whats it going to do??? right?

 

do you feel that you are getting over it? moving on? coming to the grips that he wasn't right for you?

[wtfjh?]

Well, here was my experience with just this:

 

It had been suggested that I write a letter, with no intent to send it, that expressed my point of view...all my anger and disgust. I sat on it for quite some time. Everytime I got to feeling sad and missing him, I pulled out that letter and read it. It did help, tremendously. It reminded me of all the crap he did that would hurt and confuse me. I suggest that you write one, also. A total rage fest, cuss words and petty insults included

 

However, I received a random email from him...boohooing about a family member and not even asking how I was. So, rather impulsively, I attached the letter to an email and sent it to him. At this point, we had had no contact at all for a month.

 

Immediately he called. Said it was a real "eye opener" for him and had "brought him down a couple notches". He said he was not sure if he could ever look me in the eye after treating me so horribly. Of course, I was thinking this meant he was coming back, having realized he was so wrong. After he defended a couple issues, the conversation switched to the possibility of reconciliation. In the end, he abruptly "dumped" me again, vowing to never contact me again (claiming "we have hurt each other too much). This, of course, created yet another situation for me to feel enraged about, while I had just started feeling better and moving on. Now I am back to thinking about the crap everyday...and everynight. Just FUMING in my head about it. And also, the hope of miraculous reconciliation (even though I know I would be miserable in a relationship with him) is back in my heart. So, in a way, it does keep the cycle going.

 

So, I think you should definitely write a letter- nothing mushy- just pointed and offering your perspective on the relationship. You can keep it to yourself or send it. If you decide to send it, be prepared for what happened to me. I had even demanded no contact in my letter, and yet he immediately called.

 

You do need to express that emotion, though. Let it move out of you.

 

Good luck.

[SMF]

Thanks to KaiaMahina- I destroyed the e-mail message that I was going to send to my ex.

 

I don't want to look foolish and in so many words I have already said what I have wanted to say.

 

SILENCE is the best weapon- You can't lose. You help yourself move on and at the same time you give the other person a dose of medicine by being above the situation.

 

I do not want to lower myself and look like a rotten person by cursing someone out.. I would rather run a million miles or write it down in a journal until the ink runs out...

 

I am proud of myself that I have learned to control my urges and temptations... ITs funny bc I was wanting to send the email- so I wrote down what I wanted to say- sent it to myself and I felt much better .Then I visited the site, got great advice and was glad that I didn't send it.

 

ALSO the urge and hatred that I had this morning has lessoned a little bit this afternoon. I dove into work, I made a bunch of calls, I emailed some friends and that urge has subsided.

 

Then I am going to go to the gym and run my little heart out.

I feel stronger.

 

Wtfjh? I feel sorry for you that that happened- Why did he abruptly dump you again in the conversation? You have been through this before so you know how your head and heart are going to take course... Ask yourself why do you want to be with someone that keeps shooting you down and hurting your feelings and heart....

 

If he felt so bad for what he did- he should be apologizing- not dumping you again. It doesn't make any sense.

[WantanS4]

Gosh, how come I can't seem to meet women like KaiaMahina? All I ever run into are these generic popped out of a FAKE feminist magazine on a newstand disillusioned women.

 

I feel you KaiaMahina... I feel you!

[wtfjh?]

No, it doesn;t make sense. I don;t want to be with him anymore. Don't know why my mind won't drop him. I think maybe we get used to the thought process and then have to re-train our brains. I can honestly say I have no desire to see him or speak to him. The thought of him with someone else does not hurt me anymore. I just want to be over it, so badly and begin putting my thoughts and energy into what is remaining and good in my life. I literally laid awake last night chanting a mantra in my head...to keep thoughts of him away. When I think of him, I'm not considering ways to get him back or missing him, I am remembering all the things he did ....all the situations...that were so disrespectful and considerate...that he would just rationalize away and never really apologize for. It's like it is all hitting me all at once, all of a sudden. The RAGE STAGE. Hmm...must be something cosmic..several of us seemed to have spontaneously arrived at this place today

 

 

Just want to move on in peace...have been praying for this for a few days now. Just to be released from this.

[SMF]

Yes, cosmically a lot of us arrived in the ANGRY phase today.

 

What is your mantra??

 

I just say to myself- Why do you want to be with someone that doesn't love you and doesn't want to be with you. My dad actually told me that if I ever were to go back to this person in some way shape or form- I would lose a little part of him (meaning my dad).

 

My dad feels angry bc my ex was with my parents several days before the breakup and he basically acted and pretended that all was fine albeit having some 2nd thoughts in the back of his head... So my father feels betrayed as well that he let this person into his home for 4 days and thought that were a happy couple all the while my ex was thinking "I am going to break your daughters heart in a matter of 5 days"

 

So when I think about the fact that my father thinks he is the worst person for me- it makes me feel a little better bc I love my father and value his opinion and he would never lead me astray.

[wtfjh?]

Well, that is what makes it difficult for me. It seems most others have at least gotten a clear and concise "I need space", "I don't have the same feelings", "I am not happy", "I am cheating"- whatever. Mine, however, claims to still be IN LOVE with me and missing/thinking of me constantly. He said, in that last conversation that he had already figured he would just show up where I am moving to (5000 miles away) to get me back. He admitted: "I should never have put you second"- He has no real, specific reason for wanting to end the relationship, except for "our family backgrounds are too different" and now, the new and improved "we have hurt each other too much". I have nearly gone out of my mind trying to figure out how I hurt him, other than by standing up for myself when he would do something totally inconsiderate and selfish...and then never, ever apologize. he would simply rationalize it away, justify/minimalize it, and then make me feel like my hurt feelings were inappropriate and annoying. I eventually learned not to confront him at all...and then watched myself become an ass-kissing doormat...who could just sustain the blows and put on a happy face...reach out to hug him, ignoring my own crushed feelings and disappointment.

 

Sorry....a little rant there. See, there is a lot that needs to be processed. Perhaps that is why God has not taken away those memories that are now racing through my mind. I need them to move on. I need the disillusionment. I am remembering things I had totally forgotten. Like the ghost of christmas past has transported me to those very scenes. I need to see things for what they really are. His actions did not match his words.

 

He is a narcissistic commitmentphobe That is my diagnosis

 

Of course, I am left to consider what my own psychological dysfunction must be to have attracted him and to have become addicted to him as I did...

 

Crap, why does everything these days have to be so complicated?

 

I am all for saying what needs to be said, though. Pride can be an enormous obstacle to personal growth, no?

[KaiaMahina]

First, to Wantan...you don't meet women like me because we're all out in the depthless forests digging shallow graves to bury our victims! :-)

 

SMF...beware writing cathartic letters on email. You may be doing it just to vent and never mean to send them, but as wtfjh? has proven, provocation + impulse can overthrow reason. Write them longhand. If you're ever tempted to send it, the process of finding an envelope, addressing it, stamping it and taking it to the mailbox will give you some precious minutes to come to your senses.

 

You asked if I feel that I'm getting over it, moving on and feeling he wasn't right for me. Well...getting over it? If you mean have I accepted the fact that this has happened and that I'll never see or hear from him again? Yes. Doesn't mean it doesn't make me feel sad.

 

Moving on? I don't think you ever know you're moving on until you done moved. It's like there's a hard demarcation point where you either wake up one morning, or it hits you smack between the eyes as you go about your daily business that you are no longer in the place that you were. No use monitoring it. It happens when it happens.

 

Feeling he wasn't right for me? No, I don't feel that at all. And that's why I feel such a sense of betrayal and anger and grief. He was right for me. I was right for him. Up until the last week when he put his tail between his legs and decided to make for the hills. Everything about him was right for me except his lack of courage and his inability to overcome his issues to be with me. Unfortunately, those are two huge inescapable minuses on a balance sheet plugged full of pluses. Oh, well.

 

The place I'm in now is reconstruction. I miss how I felt with him, how he treated me (like gold, until the bitter end), the intimacy, the companionship, the sense of "rightness" when I looked into his eyes. Yeah, I could see all that hurt and fear and just plain f****d-up unhappiness he was dealing with in those eyes. That didn't bother me. I just never saw his ability to throw me to the very wolves that he feared so much: rejection, hurt, abandonment.

 

But I want those good things again. I want the sweet phone calls just to hear my voice, to say good night, to say I love you, to say I'm thinking about you. I want the funny emails, and lying in bed for hours talking, and the sense that any time during the day I can think, "there's someone here for me, someone who cares and thinks about me," so that hard things become easy and there's no loneliness even when I'm alone.

 

He had those things, but not the courage to give them to me. What I have to do now is find another man who has those same gifts along with that courage. I'm disconnecting those positive attributes from my ex and realizing that they're attributes that I would love in any man. He's not the only man who can make me feel this way. I'm not sure there is only "one" companion for each of us. I think, rather, there is "one" template for each of us. There are any number of people who can fit this general template, some with greater success than others, of course. Perhaps fewer for some of us than others...it all depends on how rare the attributes you seek are and where you're looking.

 

Here's what I'm looking for: if you've seen the movie The Last of the Mohicans with Daniel-Day Lewis, that is the template that suits me. That's the most romantic movie I've ever seen, and have never come across any depiction which so closely matches what I want in a companion. This man looks at her with such love in his eyes: desire, tenderness, protectiveness, and respect. You can see that she's precious to him. Indispensible. Can't live without her.

 

If you've seen this movie, you know the scene where they must part...where she'll be taken captive and led away and he has to leave her in order to remain free in hopes of rescuing her. He tells her to stay strong and to survive and that no matter what danger he faces, and no matter what he must do, he will find her. And you know he means it! He's not going to say this, and then, the minute her back is turned, he's going to high-tail it outta there to save his own skin. He says what he means, means what he says, and his actions bear out his promise.

 

That's what I want. I want a man to love me enough to overcome whatever lies in his path to be with me. Because I'll do the same for him. Talk is cheap and any man can tell you he loves you as long as it's summer time and the living is easy. But it's what he does when push comes to shove that matters. My ex made me believe that he was what I was looking for...until that last week. And then I saw that, instead of hacking his way through the wilderness and fighting a dozen men hand to hand to reach me, he would instead tell me, "Sorry, I just don't have the guts for this. You'll have to get by the best way you know how. Lotsa luck."

 

The only consolation I have is that I know he has enough self-awareness to realize how sadly he's betrayed me, and is ashamed and humiliated. He prided himself on being a man of integrity and courage, but he failed when it came to us. I'll never hear from him because he can't face any of this. And I'm not going to make it easier for him by contacting him first. If he wants to redeem himself, he'll contact me. If he'd rather live with this humiliation, then so be it. As he is, he's not good enough for me. He sure as hell ain't no Daniel Day-Lewis!

 

Onward and upward, ladies. Anger is a great motivator. Use it.

[SMF]

Doesn't KaiaMahina post the greatest posts!!!???!!! You should be a counselor!!!

 

Yes, my days of writing via email are too dangerous- and I am so so glad that I never sent what I wanted to send yesterday bc the anger I felt yesterday for some reason diminished this morning. For some reason I am back to feeling sad again. Why do our emotions take such different faces day in and day out?

 

Acceptance- A part of me saids with my head- accept and move on and look towards the future not in your rear view mirror. Another part of me with my heart saids he was your perfect match. BUT then I say to myself how can your perfect match NEVER EVER UTTER the words I love you!

 

Moving on- I agree with you - There isn't a big event that takes place, It just happens when you want to take your smudge filled sunglasses off and want to wear ones that are nice and bright. Its something that only we can do - not that someone else can force

 

Reconstruction is a good choice of words. We want to rebuild our hearts and our faith that great things do lie ahead. I try to tell myself that but then I just get so upset and cry- I go back and forth in my head which is so so frustrating going from sad to hope to sad to hope. Its truly exhausting.

 

Yes, I concur that we do have a template. I have had 3 serious boyfriends and I am 26 and each one made me feel a certain way but the last one I was in- I had in my hear that it was forever. I never thought he would go away. But looking back, my 2 other boyfriends told me that they loved me and it wasn't the best relationship and this past boy didn't tell me he loved me and yet I thought it was the best relationship. I am so confused by that. Did I want to be in a relationship and engaged so much that I didn't stop to make reality check points along the way.

 

Its true ice cream in the summer time every day- you don't have much problems with that. The 2nd I brought up the conversation about "I love you" things changed.

 

I still have the burning urge to ask questions. Its in my nature to obtain all the answers so I can move on. I have not let go of the fact that I want reconciliation despite that this person hurt me so much. This is terrible. I am not a victim. I have strength- its so frustrating to me bc I use my stubborness in the WRONG DIRECTION.

 

KaiaMahina- You are using anger towards your benefit.

 

Emotions bounce around and I need to find a way to level things out and that I don't get too angry, too distraught- have to search for that middle ground.

[WantanS4]

Well.. given that everyone else is rippen them... I might as well too!!

 

6 years.... 6.... 1.. 2... 3.. 4... 5... 6...... 6! And then she says "I don't love you anymore..."

 

How does that happen? How does a person from what seems one day to another just decide "it's gone... gone for good.... move on.... i want someone else..." How is it that a person can go from being crazy about you to, hey... there's something better for me out there. How can a person, when its time to lock and load in a relationship, let the people around them tell them how to feel and think and what to do??

 

How??? I'll tell you how... it's called IMMATURITY! I loved her... maybe I wasnt' tender/sweet/kind/blah blah blah all the time (I am a guy you know) and with that it's not like I had the oppourtunity to do such all the time (LDR), but for crying out loud, I TRIED! In fact, I ended up forgetting about myself in order for her to be happy. My family... every single member... got suckered into her and when it broke, they all bled as well. I was honest... faithfull... committed (especially during the LDR... NOT ONCE WITH ANYONE ELSE.. NOT EVEN A HINT!!)... and in the end... i was charged with possessive... controlling.... cowardiness.... immaturity.... insecurity.... the whole package. I was so dumbfounded that when it broke.... all i could say was... "I don't believe you... I don't believe this......" It's sad... to put your hopes and dreams into a person who apparently says "Yes.. I'm the one.. gimmie gimmie gimmie..." only to turn around and say "SEE YA! I COULD CARELESS!"

 

Where am I now?

 

Well after a couple of months of "****... I can't belive this... OUCH.... why'd this happen to me..." I'm at the point of "well..... what can i ****ing do about it??.... I LOSE!"

 

Hate comes... Hate goes... loneliness and sorrow share a cab that never wants to pull away and everytime it starts to pudder off.. it stalls..... and in someways all I want is.. 'redemption'/a second chance. I question myself.. who I am... and there are days I beat myself into dog food... and other days when I sit there and feel sorry for the next person that crosses me (cause there will be hell to pay!). There are days when I wish I could erase it all... every last smudge of memory... and to believe that I'm complete... and that I've never given a piece of myself..... whole... complete... untammed. haha... i joke around with my friends and say "Gosh.... I just need to un-domesticate myself"... but it's almost impossible...... 6 years..... after 6 years you forget what direction your life should be going.

 

Where do we go from here?

 

Nowhere. Not yet...... i tell myself to enjoy the time alone... reflect... to not go off rushing into another SINKING realtion-SHIP...... but to wait... someday... oneday... she'll (not the ex) come around and the clouds will part.

 

By far this is the biggest wound I have ever carried...... and there are days when the scab is perfect... not a wrinkle or crack.... and there are other days when the slightest wrong movement/motion causes the blood to gush out... making a mess everywhere.

 

It hurts... it hurts and all i can think of is that scene from Great Expectations where he asks the old bat for her hand and he tells her "Do you know what this is?...... It's my heart... and it is broken....." Oh how the arts mimic life!

[KaiaMahina]

WantanS4...anger and grief beautifully expressed. Six years is a good hunk of time. And it looks as though you never saw it coming. It seems that none of us on this particular frayed thread did.

 

My ex played it pretty close to the vest. I mean...choose an engagement ring one day and fewer than 7 days later (less time than it purportedly took for God to create the world, for pity's sake) he decides that he "can't have a second divorce"? Dude kicked the car door open while we were going around a mother of a curve and shoved me out. Huh, what?

 

I realize that the human mouth is capable of many wondrous acts, but let's face it. Unless you're a mouth breather, its two essential functions are eating and SPEAKING. These exes we're all dealing with apparently tried, convicted and sentenced us in a totally internal monologue played out in their minds and only at the last minute did we know anything was amiss. And by then the 18-wheeler of love was careening into a crash-and-burn.

 

But the tide is turning. I'm at the point where hurting is becoming too time-consuming and simply dreary. Anger comes and go, as does sorrow, as WantanS4 has expressed so well. I don't look at the caller ID on the phone expecting to see his number any more. I don't open my email with breathless trepidation lest his address appear in my in-box. Ain't gonna happen. Things are returning to a more even keel. Yeah, I'm lonely. Sometimes pathetically so. Yeah, I'm sad that I don't have him in my life anymore. And yeah, sometimes I feel like I could smear him with honey and sit him on a fire ant hill and take in the show.

 

But I'm also just plain DONE with being connected to someone who's more gone than if he was dead. Weirdly enough, goofing around on the web, I found a website about hoodoo (which, simply, is voodoo with a southern accent), and -- lo and behold -- found a spell called "cut and clear."

 

It's used to disconnect yourself from an ex lover. And it harks back to what I was thinking about yesterday, that the good things about my ex are the things that I love and that I want to find in another man. Part of this ritual deals with folding a sheet of paper in half. One one side you write all the good things that you miss about your ex. On the other side, you write all the bad things that you never want to experience again. During the ritual there is a specific moment when you concentrate on the bad things, and cut them out of your life. Then, you concentrate on the good things and envision them coming into your life in the form of a different lover. When this is done, supposedly you will be over this person and will have cleared the way for a new person with all those good attributes and none of the bad ones, to come into your life.

 

It's not a simple ritual...you have to do certain things in a certain order, and dispose of "the bad things" in a certain way. But the basic purpose is what I would call creative visualization. Banishing with your own mind and will what you will never tolerate again, and welcoming the love and happiness that you discovered by having this person in your life. It's throwing the bath water out, but keeping the baby.

 

I'm done waiting for him to "realize" his mistake, because his mistake was pretty obvious the minute he made it. I'm done waiting for a phone call or an email, and I'm done wondering if there was anything else I could have done to make things come out differently. I'm taking what I've learned from him about love, about happiness, about intimacy and companionship, but I'm leaving him where he wants to be: out of my life. If anything, I can at least be grateful to him for giving me the opportunity to feel all these things. Now I know exactly what I'm looking for, thanks to him.

 

I guess it's time for me to cut and clear.

[WantanS4]

It would be nice if it was that simple for me....

 

It came down to her saying "I don't want you right now... there are other things I want.... but....... I need time...." So, not only did she manage to tell me I wasn't good enough anymore, but she leads me on to believe there's something is going on with someone else, there's a chance that she might change her mind and with that there's a false hope. So I'm caught in la-la land waiting for time to take its course and probably have my a$$ handed to me again.

 

I could honestly say that I'm not sure what to pull away from this.... i can honestly say that I feel that it isn't over in some regards.......

 

All I want is peace..... peace within myself... the peace to be able to forget... to be able to be happy again... to not feel that emptiness..... and to somehow quench that thirst I've had since the day she shoved her foot in my face. Like I said before, I don't care to share myself with anyone now... I don't feel 'strong' enough to have to go through all the motions of approaching/courting/opening up with anyone else. In fact, I'm downright avoiding all of it... the entire game.

 

All I want is peace....... and for time to hurry up

 

Impatience...... impatience is my biggest enemy right now....... the weight of a sumo wrestler on my shoulders......... All I want is peace......

[KaiaMahina]

Wantan, when you say that you have a feeling that "it isn't over in some regards," do you mean a gut feeling that something more will happen? More wrangling? An attempt at reconciliation?

 

I've had those unmistakeable feelings before...somehow, when I reached the point where I SHOULD have felt it was over, there was some nagging finger tapping me between the shoulder blades. I couldn't imagine NEVER hearing from these men again. I couldn't "picture" this in my head somehow. I just felt as though there was something else brewing. And there always was.

 

This time, I don't feel that and I'm content. Disappointed, but content. And it's not going to be that easy for you because you invested much more time than I did. I wouldn't be so hale and hearty at this point if it had been 6 years for me.

 

That she's leaving the door ajar and thus giving you the impression that there's a possibility that it will open again, is somewhat akin to cruelty. If she's not sure, she should let you go in no uncertain terms and take her chances of getting you back later, if she decides that she does want you. But some people love to play it safe, and don't mind making you sit on pins and needles while they do it.

 

You know...you don't have to "wait" for anything. You can cut it off when you feel like it by telling her that you're not waiting, that you wish her well and that should if she change her mind in the future, she's welcome to contact you if you're still available. She may have the rack all set up and primed, but it doesn't mean you have to strap yourself to it.

[SMF]

I agree Disappointment is my driving feeling and resentment.

 

Wantan I agree- you need to do whats good for you bc hoping, praying, wishing will leave you very stuck. Do whats good for you and if they come back around then you will be stronger.

 

KaiaMahina- How are you holding up? You sound great!!!! I am amazed at something since we have been communicating the last few days. When I initially wrote this post I WAS LIVID. I was so mad - you know I wanted to yell and scream at him over email.. Thank goodness I didn't courtesy of you and talking to my father.... Then yesterday I was sad again- but was glad that I didn't send the note... THEN FOR SOME REASON today- maybe its because I went through 2 heavy emotions- today I have felt very light and happy all day.

 

The thought of him has in fact chimed in but its true when you are busy doing something (whether it be work, working out, a hobby or friends) you are not so inclined to think about the person. I hardly thought about him today, of course now I am thinking about him but that is just bc I am writing about the situation.

 

Its amazing how emotions bounce around. I hope this feeling of contentment lingers.

[WantanS4]

KaiaMahina - I don't know why I feel this way. I think it's because of how much love there was between the two of us. She went from being hands down crazy about me to "hey... i'm more important than us... I gotta go... SEE YA!" When she broke it, I didnt' feel/believe what she was saying.... it was as if she was doing what someone else had told her to do, obviously not against her will, but as if someone had implanted poison in her mind. This is why I think there's more.... because the words she used.... the phrases she said... knowing her for 6 years.... I somehow knew/felt they weren't her own...... I have this feeling that everything that was implanted into her will backfire/blow up in her face (not that I wish it does...well.... then again..... ) It just.... everytime we talk... it ends ackwardly.... there's never anything established.... it's never GOODBYE FOR GOOD....... I don't know... there's too many questions that weren't answered... too many things that were said on my part (and I think on her part) that should not have been said....... it's just not done........

 

But..... now I at least have some sort of 'peace'..... I'm at ease with what is going on..... and to answer SMF..... No... I'm not waiting for her... and in some way yes I told her that she can't expect me to drop someone else if she happens to comeback while I'm in the middle of something..... that's just not who i am.... i would have never done that to her.... and she can't expect me to lose my principles just because she doesn't know/has forgotten who the F*** she was...... Like I said before... I'm just enjoying my time......... I'm taking care of myself.... and with that... making myself more marketable for the next person in line (who.... if they're willing to let themselves go and open up..... WILL HIT THE F***ING LOTTERY!!)

 

I don't know...... yes... i made mistakes... none of them intentionally...... maybe one or two.... but the vast majority of them i had no idea i was making them.......... but i consider myself to be a good.. down to earth... realistic....committed... principally grounded...... good guy. I just don't know.......... I just need PEACE...........

 

SMF........ I'm glad your happy... I still haven't reached a point where I can say that my day goes by without my mind ever wandering over to the empty side of the bed........ so... I applaude you........

 

KaiaMahina..... too bad I don't know you in person.... cause I'd sure as hell would die to spoil you!

[KaiaMahina]

Wantan ... I was the youngest of 7 children, thus "the baby" and am used to being spoiled, so feel free!

 

SMF, the light and happy feeling will be intermittent at first, but will probably grow stronger and more persistent and time goes by. That you can feel it AT ALL is a great sign. Remember when you thought it would be impossible? I do.

 

And like Wantan, sure, I am very conscious of the empty side of the bed. Even more so because it's empty more often than not...I'm usually in relationships where I see very little of the man because of distance, work, their own weird eccentricities about being on their "own turf." I'm bloody sick of it. Sleeping alone is a luxury sometimes, but mostly it's just plain lonely.

 

But right now, I have to think about me. Instead of blindly trying to find someone to fill that side of the bed. My ex did something good for me, and that was that I can never go back to what I settled for before I met him. He had many of those ideal qualities that I'm looking for, and nothing less will do. That makes it easier to be alone now. I used to be panic-stricken, desperate, miserable. Now I want to do something with my life...a new and better job, a nicer place to live, maybe a new life in a new city or state. I want to do something that will make my life better, and bring me into contact with the right kind of man at the right time in the right way.

 

So I'll do my "cut and clear" ritual and polish up my resume, and put myself out there for the universe to know that I'm ready, willing and able. Someone else will come along...they always do...

[djones]

KM,

 

You have such a good outlook on life, How do you find the strength to pick yourself up? I am doing better from the last time we spoke. I just find some days I am lonley like you all, am looking for the next person I meet to have qualities like my ex. My question are we trying to copy them, ie fill in a void that we are missing? or its just qualities that in general we look for in a person....ie caring, smart, etc

[Samson]

I used to be panic-stricken, desperate, miserable.

 

Let's not forget EXTREMELY PISSED OFF, to a degree of passion that produced some GREAT posts.

 

Wouldn't you say that the LS outlet was theraputic, KaiaM?

[KaiaMahina]

Samson...oh, yeah. The pissed off thing. Even the volcano must slumber sometimes. I just happen to erupt with more irregularity, frequency and intensity than most.

But NEVER without provocation.

 

And Wantan...no, I don't believe that we're trying to replace our exes by finding someone with the same qualities. Those qualities are part of your template, your pattern. If you didn't have those qualities in mind each time you went out on a date, you'd end up with the first person you went out with. You'd have no preference. Those qualities are what stirs the soul, I think.

 

What sometimes happens (and has happened to me), is that you somehow connect these qualities inextricably with one single individual. You link it with some physical trait, or some mannerism, or the color of their eyes. Oh no, you think, I could never get that misty, mystical, magical feeling looking into hazel eyes -- they gotta be blue. Forget it! What you're looking for is that feeling, that quality that person had to make you feel that way. But you've locked it into a specific, making it more difficult to find out there because you're turning away all the hazel-eyed people banging down your door and throwing pebbles against your window at midnight.

 

That's where you get the thing of "I'll never get over this person, there's no one like him/her, no one will ever make me feel this way again." Yeah, someone will, most likely. And they won't be a replacement. They will be another manifestation of the qualities that you desire and that stir your soul, to a greater or lesser degree, and may also bring qualities that you hadn't considered before. That's the way its worked with me, which I guess is why I'm hopeful for the future.

 

Sure, you can regret something for the rest of your life. If you're looking for someone with very rare qualities -- say you're looking for a diamond in a warehouse full of rhinestones -- you're going to have a tougher time of it. If you lose that diamond, you may never find another -- there was only ONE in that whole warehouse. Which accounts for those few people who really do NEVER get over some particular person. It happens. But I'm not worried right now that it will happen to me.

 

Nah, me being the sauncy little wench that I am, I've got hope for the future. Beats hell out of the past.

[djones]

KM,

 

Wow what an interesting way of looking at it a diamond in a wearhouse of rhinestones. You are right well all have qualities that we hold true to our heart that we want in a person. what gets me is if we have somany potential people out there with the qualites then is there such thing as the "one"?

[Prettyinblack]

Anger is a secondary emotion..........first is hurt. The hurt you are feeling is absolutely acceptable but getting angry with him will only justify why he broke up with you in the first place. My suggestion is to get a tennis racket and beat the crap out of your bed and do it until you get to the tears. The anger is protecting you right now and you may need to be there, but it's the hurt that is really the motivator.

I always find that the best revenge on someone who has hurt you, is to LIVE YOUR LIFE and live it well. Go out, have a great time(even if you have to fake it). go out with anyone who asks you(you're single and like to go out for dinner, right?), and LIVE YOUR LIFE. If nothing else, it will take the focus off him and will prepare you for what is ahead.......someone who will value you for the special person that you are. It's his loss.

[WantanS4]

Everyone,

 

There are days when I have strength.. and there are days when I just want to run off to the edge of the world and cry. I miss her and despite what she did..... I forgive her.... and all I want is to try again. I know what I did wrong... I know where we went wrong.... and all I want to do is know what she wants and what she needs so that we can reach a compromise and BOTH be happy.... BOTH make each other happy. What does this mean? Why am I not pissed off... Why am I not vengeful??? I don't think I'm affraid to move on... there's just something inside me that says that I shouldn't. KaiaMahina knows what I'm talking about. I get the urge to do something with someone else (WHOEVER IT MAY BE), but I don't.... I just can't pull myself to do it. Why is that?!?! Even thought I sit here and almost am sure she's probably seeing someone else.... kissing someone else...... sleeping with him (gosh... this is the hardest thing to imagine... after so many years), I can't come to terms with the idea that she really doesn't love me anymore... or that the taste of me isn't still lingering on the side of her tongue. I'm sorry... I'm soo sorry things went the way they did between us... and i know there's nothing I could say to make it all better.... but i know... and i want... and i feel that if we were to be again, it would be everything that we wanted before and could not have. I miss her... and in some ways I hope she's happy and doesn't feel the same way I do now.

 

Will fate have pitty on us? It remains to be seen. What do we do now.... I don't think it's right to pretend you happy... I don't think it's right to lie to yourself..... but I also don't think it's helpful to sulk. We're in a good jam here.... i really good one..... Who's loss is it really? Ours... or theirs? I think it's both... to the same degree..... don't ignore the facts. They say love comes to those who do not look for it..... but... what comes to those who love without reciprication? Agony... sorrow... grief?? How is it that something soo sweet as love brings about such awful feelings? Those 6 years will not leave my mind. I wake up and the first thing I feel is not... HEY IT"S MORNING!.... no... it's... Your not there.... and I miss you.

 

May fate gives us all clemency.... and may fate not bring us all what we deserve... but that which would spoil us.......

 

I miss her..... and I still love her......