GreyhoundtoNowhere Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 How can I tell myself the same things over and over and over again until they finally stick in my mind. What is it about us mentally or emotionally that can only process things for a certain time? My MM came over Monday night and we had what I would consider a fantastic evening between the two of us... and we just talked and talked forever, too. He at times confuses me, because at one point he looked at me and said "when are you going to meet someone and settle down. you want a kids and all, right? does it upset you that I can't give you that?" (he was 'fix'ed years ago). I just kinda looked at him confused, said I loved him regardless of the fact that I can't have those things from him. Yesterday we didn't see each other but he texted how much he loved me. He asked if I was happy and said how much he wanted to keep me happy. Today, we said good morning in the hallway. I texted him once after school just a kissy face... and I've heard nothing.... so how, when I'm so confident and feel stronger and that I don't need him-- does a text that goes unanswered for 3 hours make me feel like someone is punching me in the gut? And it's not even that serious. But, there are times in this... over the last yr and half where one stupid simple thing makes me feel like a crazy person. It's just a text message. Chances are I'll see him tomorrow and it'll be the same. But, the lack of a response makes me question everything and I just want to stop. Just stop. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 You're not crazy. You're just in an intensely unhealthy relationship and it sounds like you're about to hit your limit and move on. Congratulations!! This is a good thing!! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 Three hours? Yes, you need to grow up a bit. I'm not saying that to be mean in any way, but you are being clingy if it throws your emotions to this level. Try several days. If he sayshe loves you, he loves you. It doesn't ned to be validated hour upon the hour. Show some independence. Be your own you. That is far more attractive. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 People rely TOO much on texts. Must be more than just not hearing back from him. My MM came over Monday night and we had what I would consider a fantastic evening between the two of us... and we just talked and talked forever, too. He at times confuses me, because at one point he looked at me and said "when are you going to meet someone and settle down. you want a kids and all, right? does it upset you that I can't give you that?" (he was 'fix'ed years ago). I just kinda looked at him confused, said I loved him regardless of the fact that I can't have those things from him. Do you want your own children one day? If he divorces (has he told you he is going to) is he willing to adopt, are you willing to adopt? Or can he have that procedure that reverses a snip? Seems you're hanging onto someone who isn't going to have more children and isn't divorcing.. You will miss out on having your own family..All for what? To keep him in your life? To question and feel so insecure after not hearing from him for 3 hours must be hard but it also shows you that this affair is unhealthy for you. Love is not supposed to be like this, hidden and not sure of what's what. What's your future goal with or without him? Are you OK and just happy enough having an affair? Or are you getting closer to ending it so you can grieve the loss and when the timing is right, find a man who can give you ALL that you want. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GreyhoundtoNowhere Posted January 24, 2013 Author Share Posted January 24, 2013 I know the 3 hours thing was a bit much, and I was 'fine" it just gets under my skin that the relationship is such that not hearing from the MM makes me feel like 'something is wrong' whereas not hearing from just a single guy I would date wouldn't affect me in the slightest... but b/c of the nature of the scenario- a text that may go unanswered puts into question things, which is absurd. but no, we went almost two weeks not talking a little while back and I was just fine-- it was just the nature of the relationship that gets to me sometimes. I did hear from him earlier and all was just fine of course. As for the kids thing, I would be open to adopting but its not really an issue. He always makes comments about wanting me to be pregnant and he asked a month or so ago about living together and said if we did, he would have the 'reversal' surgery. but again-- words are just that. I just hate having moments of clarity mixed with the fog. I feel like I have my footing.... I'm on stable ground and then all of a sudden there are cracks. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 I know the 3 hours thing was a bit much, and I was 'fine" it just gets under my skin that the relationship is such that not hearing from the MM makes me feel like 'something is wrong' whereas not hearing from just a single guy I would date wouldn't affect me in the slightest... but b/c of the nature of the scenario- a text that may go unanswered puts into question things, which is absurd. Something IS wrong though..He's married. And it makes you feel like second fiddle..Hate to say it, you are. Even if he does love you and care for you, it isn't enough. It's a false sense of security and it's like you need constant affirmation of how he feels about you to make you feel good. That isn't healthy. This A is doing a lot of damage to you and as time goes on it'll just get worse. You know that when you don't hear from him, he's living life with his wife, doing stuff with her. but no, we went almost two weeks not talking a little while back and I was just fine-- it was just the nature of the relationship that gets to me sometimes. I did hear from him earlier and all was just fine of course. Then as soon as you hear from him, you feel relief. It is the nature of the affair you're having with him, that dynamic must be getting to you. As for the kids thing, I would be open to adopting but its not really an issue. He always makes comments about wanting me to be pregnant and he asked a month or so ago about living together and said if we did, he would have the 'reversal' surgery. but again-- words are just that. It's wrong of him and selfish too, for him to say stuff like that as deep down he knows it isn't going to happen. It gives you hope too.. How can he make these plans when he's still married? Yes, glad you see they are just words. I mean, there's no plan in the works - He's not told his wife he's in love with another woman and plans on leaving and divorcing her so he can be with you. Right? I bet if you told him to tell her, or even hinted that you were going to tell her about you two, he'd FREAK out. I just hate having moments of clarity mixed with the fog. I feel like I have my footing.... I'm on stable ground and then all of a sudden there are cracks. If you want to stay the OW, then this feeling you have will always be there. It's part of the affair dynamic and the roller coaster ride. I hope though you get strong enough to end it one day soon. You're wasting your precious heart and love on someone who is already married.. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 I know the 3 hours thing was a bit much, and I was 'fine" it just gets under my skin that the relationship is such that not hearing from the MM makes me feel like 'something is wrong' whereas not hearing from just a single guy I would date wouldn't affect me in the slightest... but b/c of the nature of the scenario- a text that may go unanswered puts into question things, which is absurd. That is simply insecurity and the unknown rearing its head. Natural. When my A first started I had many of the same feelings, not over a three hour span, but the same feeling of not being able to know what was going on . Because we were in so much continuous contact in the beginning it was always a fear that she got busted. Just let it ride, it will be fine. Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 You really don't have to worry about him settling down with you, he won't. Him asking you when you're gonna settle down with someone should be a huge red flag for you. Who the hell says that to someone they supposedly want to be with?? He wants to make you just happy enough to keep you on the side but that's all I think you're gonna be with this guy, just a side dish. Hopefully, you'll see the warning signs and bid him goodbye. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Catplates Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 You really don't have to worry about him settling down with you, he won't. Him asking you when you're gonna settle down with someone should be a huge red flag for you. Who the hell says that to someone they supposedly want to be with?? He wants to make you just happy enough to keep you on the side but that's all I think you're gonna be with this guy, just a side dish. Hopefully, you'll see the warning signs and bid him goodbye. I agree wholeheartedly. If ever I was upset, xMM would parade the possiblities of our next meetings or some extra super duper idea he had for an outing together. Trouble was he lived up to all of them. Not once did he ever back out of anything. I do however agree that he was flying by the seat of his pants. It was all to keep me interested. When we broke up, he told me he would have done anything to keep me. I asked if that was true, why wasn't he w with me. He replied that he meant anything except disrupt his comfy life at home. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GreyhoundtoNowhere Posted January 25, 2013 Author Share Posted January 25, 2013 I know that deep down what I'm getting out of this isn't what I want for my future. I KNOW that. But, I know how I feel about him so it just feels impossible to walk away. He's all of a sudden being really really clingly lately. And earlier, after my game he heard I was getting dizzy then tried to say maybe it was his surprise he had. Then tried to say he had a reversal a few months back and I should take a test. No, there's no way in the world this man would do that and not tell my first of all. I mean, no one is that crazy. But even so, then to joke about it. ugh. He called twice earlier and we talked for an hour. Then called back to say he loved me. When he turns it on full force, its hard not to believe he means it. Hard not to believe it will continue to progress. Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 He's all of a sudden being really really clingly lately. And earlier, after my game he heard I was getting dizzy then tried to say maybe it was his surprise he had. Then tried to say he had a reversal a few months back and I should take a test. No, there's no way in the world this man would do that and not tell my first of all. I mean, no one is that crazy. But even so, then to joke about it. ugh. WHAT?! That's kind of a weird joke. Did you ask him about it later? You're sure he's joking? Link to post Share on other sites
SidLyon Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 ...Then tried to say he had a reversal a few months back and I should take a test. No, there's no way in the world this man would do that and not tell my first of all. I mean, no one is that crazy. But even so, then to joke about it. ugh. ... So he's told you he had a vasectomy, then he's "joked" that he had it reversed! My immediate thought is that maybe he never had a vasectomy in the first place. Believe it or not I know of several women who have got pregnant, after being told this particular lie. I understand that for some reason men can and do lie about it (not just MM). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Turtles Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 I know that deep down what I'm getting out of this isn't what I want for my future. I KNOW that. But, I know how I feel about him so it just feels impossible to walk away. He's all of a sudden being really really clingly lately. And earlier, after my game he heard I was getting dizzy then tried to say maybe it was his surprise he had. Then tried to say he had a reversal a few months back and I should take a test. No, there's no way in the world this man would do that and not tell my first of all. I mean, no one is that crazy. But even so, then to joke about it. ugh. He called twice earlier and we talked for an hour. Then called back to say he loved me. When he turns it on full force, its hard not to believe he means it. Hard not to believe it will continue to progress. Ugh... honey, look at his actions, they speak louder than his words! He "loves" you but he comes home to his wife every day? What does THAT say about how much he loves you? What does this constant lying say about what kind of a person he is? Then he just sweet-talk you back... it's sickening! You're worth better than this! Better than being a footnote to some insecure, attention-craving little dude's life! OK, the reason you feel sick because he isn't answering your text, is because you are insecure about his love. Well, you are right to be insecure, because he has no commitment to you whatsoever - the only thing that you have is his word, which is worth zilch (after all, he gave his word to his wife that he would be faithful to her, and look at what happened to that). The part about the vasectomy is really disturbing, it's like he's trying to disorient you and play with your hormones to be able to manipulate you more easily. You're not crazy though... just in a hard situation. Just like quitting smoking, your brain craves what this man can give you, even though it is poison. All you can do is keep trying, be strong, remind yourself that he is poison. Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 How can I tell myself the same things over and over and over again until they finally stick in my mind. What is it about us mentally or emotionally that can only process things for a certain time? My MM came over Monday night and we had what I would consider a fantastic evening between the two of us... and we just talked and talked forever, too. He at times confuses me, because at one point he looked at me and said "when are you going to meet someone and settle down. you want a kids and all, right? does it upset you that I can't give you that?" (he was 'fix'ed years ago). I just kinda looked at him confused, said I loved him regardless of the fact that I can't have those things from him. Yesterday we didn't see each other but he texted how much he loved me. He asked if I was happy and said how much he wanted to keep me happy. Today, we said good morning in the hallway. I texted him once after school just a kissy face... and I've heard nothing.... so how, when I'm so confident and feel stronger and that I don't need him-- does a text that goes unanswered for 3 hours make me feel like someone is punching me in the gut? And it's not even that serious. But, there are times in this... over the last yr and half where one stupid simple thing makes me feel like a crazy person. It's just a text message. Chances are I'll see him tomorrow and it'll be the same. But, the lack of a response makes me question everything and I just want to stop. Just stop. You need to get your power back here. I've read the posts in response to you and I do agree he's manipulating you with the questions about when you'll find someone else. Do you know what you should do? Start dating. Even if you don't want to date seriously go out and meet people and start having coffee with guys. You need to have a life and enjoy it. Make him wait 3 hours for a text. Don't change plans for him. Put him second to yourself. There's a book called 'The End Of The Affair' by Graham Green. It's a novel set in the 30s and 40s about an OM obsessed with his MW and written from the perspective of the OM. There are some insightful comments about his feelings of his insecurities and separation from her. So much of it reflected what's said in here. Maybe that would help a little. I agree you're getting to the point you're questioning things and that's not bad. Taking back your power and creating some separation might help you along the path of ending things with him if that's what you want to do. Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 Isn't it an irrelevance whether it's love or not? Is it what you want? Is it making you happy? Link to post Share on other sites
Author GreyhoundtoNowhere Posted January 25, 2013 Author Share Posted January 25, 2013 it is indeed irrelevant whether it's love or not. and no, it isn't what I want for good-- but it seems to be what I want right now, but is it only because it's all he will give? Yes, he said it was a surprise that he got a reversal a few months ago. I know for sure I'm not pregnant, however, yes... the fact that he says he did that and didnt tell me would be crazy. Only, I really do feel like he's just kidding which is also really really messed up on so many levels. And if it were any other man or any other person in this situation-- I would be able to see how messed up it is. But, not with him. He said to me at hallway that he was going to come over today after school... so maybe i'm going to confront him about his 'joke' and tell him how I feel. I was dating a little a few months back and he knew about it. and the one time I said I couldnt see him b/c I was going out with someone he threw a tantrum, like, literally was like "ill never talk to you. bye" then called back that night and wanted to talk it out. that he was "mad' because he couldnt give me what I needed. but, I'm not really dating right now, but I"m also not closed off to it-- however... I am always available to him it seems. And I hate that. I just keep thinking that if I meet someone else that does have all the things he gives me AND is of course available.... then I'll just stop Link to post Share on other sites
mitchell Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 Does he use a condom when you have sex? Are you on bcp? Link to post Share on other sites
Author GreyhoundtoNowhere Posted January 26, 2013 Author Share Posted January 26, 2013 So, he came over. And we talked about pretty much everything. I said straight up... so that whole "reversal" thing.. really not that funny. And he said he realized I wasn't finding humor in it and he apologized for joking about it-- said he wouldn't anymore. Then he asked if I was in a place where I wanted a baby. Then he went on again to say "I wonder what it'll be like when you meet someone, settle down and have a family.." and I just shut down. And I was like, "Why are you saying those things." and he said he just felt so selfish sometimes, and he doesn't want to keep me from happiness. he doesn't want to stand in my way. I told him he was part of my happiness. He said there was this whole other part to it that's missing for me though that he can't give me and I deserved to be with someone who can. I obviously looked sad because he questioned what was wrong.. and I basically said I was worried he would pull away b/c he does that sometimes. I asked why. He said of course 'not to hurt me' when we get so close. I said it hurts more when he pulls away without warning. He just said "we've been doing this for a year, and I know you're getting tired. tired of waiting. and i dont want it go get to a point where you start pushing and I'm pulling and then you start to hate me." And I agreed. That I never want it to be that way. But, I've never asked him to leave and I never would. I told him straight up "I've never pushed or asked. Because, if I'm being honest... you are exactly where you want to be. If you didn't want to be where you are, you'd change." I said I was aware of the situation, that I was open to finding someone if it happens-- that I wouldn't walk away from a person I might like or have potential with for him, but that I havent found anything yet and what we have is what I want. That I never want things to end badly with us. And I do mean it. He said his life isnt how he saw it turning out and that when his youngest daughter is out of the house there's no telling where he'll end up. that he wants to be with me when i'm older, but he feels guilty at times like he's keeping me to himself. It was good to talk it all out. So-- there's that. I guess I'm at the point now where I just have to decide what to do. I know the RIGHT thing. I know what is best for everyone, including myself. I know I can't move forward if I stay in the same place. I still just feel very unsure, but I didn't cry or feel weak. It was good to be honest and was reassuring in a heartbreaking kind of way. Now, where to go from here....? Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 Texts can get lost. Especially while the phone is switched off and texts cannot be delivered immediately. They are relayed and at times they just get lost. Also something weird happened this week, and it hadn't happened in the past year. I got like 3 or 4 texts all together at the same time. I checked and they were sent at different times. I thought something was wrong with his phone... A few days later we argued and then I texted him. He was not answering... The night went by... and I had to go to bed without making up. I thought he was ignoring me. The next morning he replied saying he had just read the texts that had just arrived. All together. I had to believe that, because the very same thing had happened to me personally. But honestly, if it hadn't happened to me, I would have had a hard time believing it. Bottom line is s@it happens. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
neveragain34 Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 If you need to be reminded, it's DEFINITELY NOT love. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 I will reiterate what's already been said. This is not love. This is a pathetic man who's looking for somewhere to put his penis. Go find a real man. He doesn't love you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GreyhoundtoNowhere Posted January 26, 2013 Author Share Posted January 26, 2013 even though he's telling me he wants me to find someone and be happy-- that he knows he isn't giving me what I need? I think because he does want me to be HAPPY even if that means I stop this with him, that on some level, it does mean he genuinely cares about me. But, then again, maybe not. Thank you for the reality check. Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 even though he's telling me he wants me to find someone and be happy-- that he knows he isn't giving me what I need? I think because he does want me to be HAPPY even if that means I stop this with him, that on some level, it does mean he genuinely cares about me. To me, his words actually sound like a manipulation, whether he's aware if it or not. It sounds like he says all these things about what he can't give you just to get the opposite affirmation response from you. "I can never be enough to make you happy" "Yes you can. You are everything that makes me happy" Etc Also, isn't he the one flipped when you dated someone else? Got all possessive & threw a little tantrum? Sorry if I got that mixed up, but regardless, the conversation you describe does not sound like he sincerely wants you to be happy, he just wants to hear that HE makes you happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GreyhoundtoNowhere Posted January 26, 2013 Author Share Posted January 26, 2013 brokenprincess.. there is a part of me that fears you are right, too. because when he said all that- i did say, 'but you are my happiness' and if that's what he wanted, that's what he got. and yes, he did throw the fit when i went on some dates and then when i called him out on that, he was just like 'yeah, well you didn't even like him anyway, so i saved you from that..' blah blah. like it was a joke. he just said, 'i wont be mad if you date. i won't like it, but i want you to be happy.' Link to post Share on other sites
Ladybugz Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 Its weird how worry you are about that and not about the fac that you are he;ping a men cheat. Cheating is not normal. Cheating is wrong!! Why do people keep acting like its normal? I think you should start taking care of your self esteem. And that will help you autmaticlly to love yourself and make better choices. He is clear to you, from day one you knew it also that he dont want you for notting serious. And he is making shore you get it !Be telling you to settle.etc. Your emotions are getting involved. But a men that cheat have no emotions for no other girl then the one he is commited to. So he act the way he wants cause he just stick to the plan, Pleasure and move on! If you want better listing to his advice. And stop messing with other peoples men! Link to post Share on other sites
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