Remind me this isn't love.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

LadyBugz.. Your advice isn't helpful, especially not when it seems like it was written by a 3rd grader.

 

Those who are offering actual steps to help me get through this and understand where I am and what to do next, I do appreciate it.

[BrokenPrincess]

brokenprincess.. there is a part of me that fears you are right, too. because when he said all that- i did say, 'but you are my happiness' and if that's what he wanted, that's what he got.

and yes, he did throw the fit when i went on some dates and then when i called him out on that, he was just like 'yeah, well you didn't even like him anyway, so i saved you from that..' blah blah. like it was a joke. he just said, 'i wont be mad if you date. i won't like it, but i want you to be happy.'

 

He may not even be self-aware of how he's contradicting those words with how he reacts when you assert some independence from your relationship. I'm sorry you've ended up in this dynamic now where you're very uneven with your "power" in the relationship.

 

My xMM & I were both cake eaters and on the same page. Your MM is a cake eater but possessive & controlling & jealous, which is a terrible match for a single OW. Although I do think ending it is the best move because this is so unhealthy for you, if you truly want to continue, you need to get some of the power back in this relationship.

 

Even if not a date, try amping up your social engagements. Make plans with friends you've been neglecting. Challenge yourself not to answer his call/text for a full day or just tell him you're super busy & will call him later. Remember, he is lucky to have YOU, an additional lady in his life. He needs to appreciate and respect you more. Make him work for it a little bit.

 

You might be faking it for a while, but you need to regain some strength & independence if you want to get your dynamic balanced back out somewhat. And maybe in the process, you'll discover you have lots of better things to do than spend your time with someone who doesn't appreciate you and can't give you the future you want.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

 

My xMM & I were both cake eaters and on the same page. Your MM is a cake eater but possessive & controlling & jealous, which is a terrible match for a single OW. Although I do think ending it is the best move because this is so unhealthy for you, if you truly want to continue, you need to get some of the power back in this relationship.

 

Even if not a date, try amping up your social engagements. Make plans with friends you've been neglecting. Challenge yourself not to answer his call/text for a full day or just tell him you're super busy & will call him later. Remember, he is lucky to have YOU, an additional lady in his life. He needs to appreciate and respect you more. Make him work for it a little bit.

 

You might be faking it for a while, but you need to regain some strength & independence if you want to get your dynamic balanced back out somewhat. And maybe in the process, you'll discover you have lots of better things to do than spend your time with someone who doesn't appreciate you and can't give you the future you want.

 

 

when our A first started (16 months ago..) I was married, too. So, it was a more even dynamic, well it started with him pursuing me very hard and being needy and then it flipped somewhere, and yes, the last 11 months I've been single and it has changed and been more difficult to cope sometimes.

 

I know you are right though with the power thing.

I will say though that the only reason I ever hesitate in 'being busy' or waiting a day to return his call is because I'm always worried that if I pull back some, he will just let me. That's my fear.

And it's sad to say it out loud.

I've been doing better about being social and hanging out with my friends more, but the ignoring a text is hard when we see each other at work everyday. However, I do have to stop being SO there all of the time in order to even it out. Thank you.

[ThatJustHappened]

when our A first started (16 months ago..) I was married, too. So, it was a more even dynamic, well it started with him pursuing me very hard and being needy and then it flipped somewhere, and yes, the last 11 months I've been single and it has changed and been more difficult to cope sometimes.

 

I know you are right though with the power thing.

I will say though that the only reason I ever hesitate in 'being busy' or waiting a day to return his call is because I'm always worried that if I pull back some, he will just let me. That's my fear.

And it's sad to say it out loud.

I've been doing better about being social and hanging out with my friends more, but the ignoring a text is hard when we see each other at work everyday. However, I do have to stop being SO there all of the time in order to even it out. Thank you.

 

But if you pull away and he just lets you..wouldn't that tell you something about him and the way he feels about you? If he won't fight for you, then he doesn't want you enough.

[promises]

it might be love, but, it's very uneven, unhealthy love.

[BrokenPrincess]

[quote=GreyhoundtoNowhere;4555587

I will say though that the only reason I ever hesitate in 'being busy' or waiting a day to return his call is because I'm always worried that if I pull back some, he will just let me. That's my fear.

And it's sad to say it out loud.

I've been doing better about being social and hanging out with my friends more, but the ignoring a text is hard when we see each other at work everyday. However, I do have to stop being SO there all of the time in order to even it out. Thank you.

 

You're welcome. I know that was probably painful to actually write out. But you have to do it...otherwise you're only going to continue withering away. The key is to not make home think you're mad or purposely avoiding him, so given working together, just give him brief replies. Say you'll call him later and DON'T. Try it once.

 

I think you'll find when you pull back, he'll come chasing.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

I pulled back some since last I wrote and he came at me full force. Normally we just text during the day and then some at night during the week, but last week he called me almost every night and we we talked a long time. He didn't really go a day without saying he loved me last week. Came over Friday and our physical relationship is fantastic like always. He had to leave in a hurry though, which was a painful reminder that we've actually never had. He texted me the following morning about how great the night before was.

Nothing Sunday. We never talk on Sundays. Shocking, I know.

Today... as soon as I got to school the first two people I see are him and his wife standing there talking. really??!

he later said good morning in the hallway. I texted (regretting now. I have power, then one text that goes unanswered from him and it's like the power shifts again).

I showed back up at school to stay for an after school event and his wife had pulled up and was walking in with their son. They were getting ready to leave. I looked up once when I was in the library after school and saw him looking through the window in for a second, then he walked away.

I know they all left together as a "family" today from school and I've not heard from him at all. Which is what it is.

 

What I want is for moments like this-- days like today... when he leaves with his 'family,' when I don't hear from him for whatever the reason--- why can't these things be enough for it to register what it is I'm choosing to do. How can the good when I'm with him really win out right now.

[whichwayisup]

It can't. Not meaning to sound mean here but the reality is - You are not his first priority. His wife and kids are. His family life, which he IS living and doing stuff with them. The time he spends with you must be fun, intense and make you feel good but it's on borrowed time and full of empty hopes/promises.

 

To you, he is everything - You want him as the boyfriend, for him to put you first, love ONLY you! That is natural and there's no reason why you can't have that ... But it will never be with him as he's married and not ending his marriage to start over with you. He is offering you an affair, nothing more. If you are OK with that, then enjoy the time you spend with him, accept things as they are and try to shield your heart and not fall in love. Just know that your A does have an expiry date and will end eventually.

 

I DO hope that you get strong enough to see you deserve MUCH MORE than he is giving you now and end it soon. Wasting your precious heart and love on someone who is already married is only going to hurt you the longer you let this A go on.

[stevie_23]

I know the 3 hours thing was a bit much, and I was 'fine" it just gets under my skin that the relationship is such that not hearing from the MM makes me feel like 'something is wrong' whereas not hearing from just a single guy I would date wouldn't affect me in the slightest... but b/c of the nature of the scenario- a text that may go unanswered puts into question things, which is absurd.

but no, we went almost two weeks not talking a little while back and I was just fine-- it was just the nature of the relationship that gets to me sometimes.

I did hear from him earlier and all was just fine of course.

.

 

Have I commented on this before? I’m sorry if I have. My mind is a bit cloudy right now.

 

This is what I was like too. When you’re in an affair, you can’t get a proper balance and an accurate reflection of who you are as a person or who you are in a relationship. When my ex-MM didn’t text or whatever when I was expecting him to (and just because he normally would text at that time, not because he said he would always do that or anything), I’d FREAK OUT.

 

At first, before his wife ever found out and I hadn’t developed such a phobia about losing him to her and a D-day, when he didn’t text when he was “supposed” to, I’d get angry and think he didn’t care and wasn’t thinking about me. Not the case. He was just unable to text due to his wife being around, or he was just a normal human being and got distracted or busy doing something and then texted me as soon as he remembered and was able.

 

Then, once he’d had 3 D-days, I became terrified of his wife finding out again (which did end up happening and it ended us permanently that 4th time) and whenever he didn’t text or whatever, I’d be shaking, crying, totally distressed by the fear I’d lost him again. It became so real in my mind because of the memories of the 3rd D-day when I didn’t hear from him for weeks.

 

This is not a normal way to feel and be in a relationship. No matter how much you love someone or how good they make you feel or how good you are with them as a person, if you are worrying or angry whenever you don’t hear from them (and it doesn’t matter if it’s 3 hours or 3 weeks. It’s all relative to the situation. 3 hours is not unreasonable necessarily if usually he responds in 3 minutes, you know?) then you’re not happy overall. You’re scared, insecure and living in fear. It sucks.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

It can't. Not meaning to sound mean here but the reality is - You are not his first priority. His wife and kids are. His family life, which he IS living and doing stuff with them. The time he spends with you must be fun, intense and make you feel good but it's on borrowed time and full of empty hopes/promises.

 

I DO hope that you get strong enough to see you deserve MUCH MORE than he is giving you now and end it soon. Wasting your precious heart and love on someone who is already married is only going to hurt you the longer you let this A go on.

 

 

you weren't mean at all-- you were real and more than anything I need to see all of that when I'm hiding behind this A.

I know that all he is offering me is an A. I just wish he would quit saying how much he loves me, how I give him hope, how he wants to see what i'm like 10 years from now and as an old woman. All he wants is an A, so stop acting like you're in love with me.

 

But even today, I've not heard from him. I didnt go in today (which is rare), because I had a dr. appt. But, like... he still didn't text? I'm not there and he doesn't even notice or care?

 

It's not what I want. And it's not healthy. And he may love me, but he loves himself more. Thanks for your words.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

I just want to get there. Still in the A. And for a month or two-- things were good (as good as they can be considering the situation.) but lately, things haven't been what I want. And, when I read a thread earlier about people in their A's and going on trips together and spending weekends together-- just wow. What would that even be like?

but, I do see MM everyday since we work together, which does make it more difficult to do other things together-- or go in public. It's impossible.,

 

We hadn't seen each other in 18 days, until earlier this afternoon.

He barely stayed an hour.

 

He had asked me in a text last week if "i was finished with him or something" cause he didnt feel like I was treating him the same. but, i wasn't getting much in return-- so I just pulled back some. i don't want to beg someone to love me or pay attention to me.

 

I said today, "you really think I would end it like that? I wouldn't and i hope you wouldnt either." he said of course not, that he loved me so much.

he could tell i was sad and different today. just tired of this nothing-ness.

 

then as he was leaving he said "we need to go on a trip. soon."

Yeah, right. You can barely get away for an hour once a week (in this case-- in 3 weeks) and we're gonna take a trip? Okay.

He made a comment in a text last night again about the baby thing. He said "Seriously, do you want a baby? I'm really thinking about getting the reversal" -- what? No you arent.

 

I see it for what it is. Sex. Lust. Ego-stroking. And I like to tell myself that I am getting the same things out of it. But, I dont think that's true. And it's been a year and a half.

 

On top of that- I met a guy last weekend. A guy who the last few days, really has me not even noticing when I don't hear from MM. A guy who I feel butterflies with-- who is my age-- SINGLE... and it makes me want to walk away. more so than I ever have. its just getting there and doing it.

 

[Praying4Peace]

I just want to get there. Still in the A. And for a month or two-- things were good (as good as they can be considering the situation.) but lately, things haven't been what I want. And, when I read a thread earlier about people in their A's and going on trips together and spending weekends together-- just wow. What would that even be like?

but, I do see MM everyday since we work together, which does make it more difficult to do other things together-- or go in public. It's impossible.,

 

We hadn't seen each other in 18 days, until earlier this afternoon.

He barely stayed an hour.

 

He had asked me in a text last week if "i was finished with him or something" cause he didnt feel like I was treating him the same. but, i wasn't getting much in return-- so I just pulled back some. i don't want to beg someone to love me or pay attention to me.

 

I said today, "you really think I would end it like that? I wouldn't and i hope you wouldnt either." he said of course not, that he loved me so much.

he could tell i was sad and different today. just tired of this nothing-ness.

 

then as he was leaving he said "we need to go on a trip. soon."

Yeah, right. You can barely get away for an hour once a week (in this case-- in 3 weeks) and we're gonna take a trip? Okay.

He made a comment in a text last night again about the baby thing. He said "Seriously, do you want a baby? I'm really thinking about getting the reversal" -- what? No you arent.

 

I see it for what it is. Sex. Lust. Ego-stroking. And I like to tell myself that I am getting the same things out of it. But, I dont think that's true. And it's been a year and a half.

 

On top of that- I met a guy last weekend. A guy who the last few days, really has me not even noticing when I don't hear from MM. A guy who I feel butterflies with-- who is my age-- SINGLE... and it makes me want to walk away. more so than I ever have. its just getting there and doing it.

 

 

Go NC and explore a R with guy! Your MM is going to get what's coming to him when you drop him like a bad habit after the way he treats you. I'm so happy for you...this is GOOD!!!!! But also make sure you work on yourself so you can be happy even alone.

[Athens]

You deserve better, I don't even know you and I know you deserve better, anyone deserves better than what you are settling for.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

On top of that- I met a guy last weekend. A guy who the last few days, really has me not even noticing when I don't hear from MM. A guy who I feel butterflies with-- who is my age-- SINGLE... and it makes me want to walk away. more so than I ever have. its just getting there and doing it.

 

That's awesome! Explore it slowly. A single man is so much better than an attached one. Even if it only ends up being a rebound, just tell him you had a bad break-up, you're a bit fragile, but you want to see what happens. If he's a good guy, he;ll understand.

 

I'm excited for you! You should be too. :-)

 

 

it's only been a few days with new guy. just talking and getting to know each other. slowly.

 

but that's the thing- i haven't had a bad break-up or a break-up of any kind. MM just left a few hours ago. I have to see him tomorrow at work and everyday at work for the next 3 weeks. i dont know how to break up with him.

[2sure]

It's as though youre on the outside looking in at someone else's life.

I don't think anyone should be in that position.

[2sure]

It's as though he thinks you will believe any nonsense he makes up.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

 

This is the worse case I have seen in this forum.

 

 

Ouch. I don't think that's true. Come on-- earlier there was some guy who's MW told him to just 'impregnate' her ... etc. I'm not as bad as that one.

 

Just b/c my MM is talking crazy about wanting to have a baby with me, doens't mean I'd be crazy enough to go through with it.

 

Like another poster said-- I do honestly feel sometimes like I am on the outside looking in at my own life. Because, I really am an intelligent woman for the most part and I have a good job, stable family, and great friends. And MM reeled me in at my most vulnerable when I was unsure in my M. But, I did leave my xH and we have D. I did seek IC and I'm in a much better place with myself than I was this time a year ago.

Because even though I am still playing a part in this with him- I don't believe anything he says. Whereas... at one time... there was hope he meant it. And yes, I do think somewhere in there he loves me (or the idea of me-- how I make him feel anyway).

 

I'm really trying here.

[Mount]

It should be unacceptable for you that your MM only spent tiny bit time with you, not pamper you or not treat you well, especially your affair has been going on over 1.5years. It is unacceptable, you should speak for yourself and stand up for yourself - otherwise whoelse.

 

You teach people how you want to be treated, you teach people what kind of things you deserve. You need to think highly of yourself, then the MM will take you seriously.

 

I just want to get there. Still in the A. And for a month or two-- things were good (as good as they can be considering the situation.) but lately, things haven't been what I want. And, when I read a thread earlier about people in their A's and going on trips together and spending weekends together-- just wow. What would that even be like?

but, I do see MM everyday since we work together, which does make it more difficult to do other things together-- or go in public. It's impossible.,

 

We hadn't seen each other in 18 days, until earlier this afternoon.

He barely stayed an hour.

 

He had asked me in a text last week if "i was finished with him or something" cause he didnt feel like I was treating him the same. but, i wasn't getting much in return-- so I just pulled back some. i don't want to beg someone to love me or pay attention to me.

 

I said today, "you really think I would end it like that? I wouldn't and i hope you wouldnt either." he said of course not, that he loved me so much.

he could tell i was sad and different today. just tired of this nothing-ness.

 

then as he was leaving he said "we need to go on a trip. soon."

Yeah, right. You can barely get away for an hour once a week (in this case-- in 3 weeks) and we're gonna take a trip? Okay.

He made a comment in a text last night again about the baby thing. He said "Seriously, do you want a baby? I'm really thinking about getting the reversal" -- what? No you arent.

 

I see it for what it is. Sex. Lust. Ego-stroking. And I like to tell myself that I am getting the same things out of it. But, I dont think that's true. And it's been a year and a half.

 

On top of that- I met a guy last weekend. A guy who the last few days, really has me not even noticing when I don't hear from MM. A guy who I feel butterflies with-- who is my age-- SINGLE... and it makes me want to walk away. more so than I ever have. its just getting there and doing it.

 

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

I know i should require more. but as crazy as it sounds, sometimes I feel like that isn't fair to him-- to ask for more.. when I know what I signed up for with him by being in this. I knowingly entered into this, it seems unreasonable for me to expect more when he never promised more.

 

But, I'm just not willing to do it anymore.

And I just spent two hours face-timing with this new, single guy, and I am feeling butterflies and so excited about the possibilities.

 

But MM is in the back of my head. Because if I were to tell him no more, or that I met someone and need a time-out- I don't know how he'd even react. I'm supposed to love him and I do. But I am tired of just being his sexual object.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

So... i said the last time that I had met a new guy randomly that sort of caught me off guard and honestly made me not want to give MM attention or need his anymore. and last weekend I told MM about new guy, just that I was gonna go on a date with him, but wanted him to know. He said good, that he was happy for me- to say the word and he'd back off.

He knew that my date was last night.

Early evening I get a text that just says "Enjoy your date!" I didnt respond.

I felt like that was so manipulative. and I never see it.

I got one this morning saying 'good morning. how was the date?" So, I said "Hey. it was good. how are you"

he played it off for a bit, then was like "I want you to be happy. I'm not upset, just sad. But I want you to have everything"

 

So I said thank you for understanding. He said he would always love me and all this. Then he changed the subject, but came back to it later when he basically came out and asked if i slept with the guy. I of course said that I didnt.

Then he said, "When you do start dating again or get married-- where does that leave me? Be honest. I can tell you.. it's hard being owned by two women, I can imagine it's the same being owned by two

men."

I said "IDK. I know that if I start a new relationship with someone I care about and respect, I don't want any secrets." then I said we would talk about it when we got there, I guess.

 

He was kinda whatever about it and we changed subjects.

But WAIT-- what? Does he really expect this to last forever? That even if I meet someone new and were to get married again-- that I would still be in this A with him??

 

I really like this new guy. I like how he treats me. I like that he is free to like me and I can freely like him. I like seeing what I deserve and I think I'm finally ready to let MM go.

[Praying4Peace]

Yes! That's what he means! It makes no difference to him whether you are single or in a relationship. Even asking that DIMWITTED question shows that No, he is not 'happy for you' and doesn't 'wish you well'. He cannot stand the thought of losing his woman on the side who lays down everything for him and pines away.

 

His texts before your date, disguised as being 'oh so friendly and supportive' were manipulative and you should be happy to know he was probably ****ting his pants. LOL. Sorry, but he's a douche and I love it.

 

Next time he asks if you slept with him, tell him that you don't Kiss and Tell and that you will not be answering that question even if/when it happens so please don't ask. It's not respectful.

 

His stupid line about being 'owned by 2 women' was to pull at your heartstrings. In reality, he thinks he owns 2 women!

 

Greyhound- I'm soooo happy that you met this guy. This is a sign or assistance from the Universe to give you the spine you need to dump MM. Let him suffer, like you suffered. And I know his type, he will suffer. Don't be surprised if he comes around all 'friendlike' and tries to sleep with you. He is in the mode where he wants to make sure you aren't happy enough with the other guy to ignore him.

 

This post by you made my week. I'm so glad you met someone interesting!

[Mount]

Oh...those MMs are so disgusting, they are only worrying they can not get free laid anymore. They are so shamelss and value those OWs as nothing. And those OWs are talking about "love", "emotion" endless here.

 

Again, love is gauged by action or by result. I said many time, no man will treasure any woman that they don't need to invest or put efforts on.

 

Next time tell your MM, he needs to put $1000 on your table every time he needs to see or even talk to you in person.

 

I do not give direction that OP should sell her feeling or emotion to the MM by money, but those MMs are so deadbeat, taking free meals for long, years and years. Disgusting.

 

Yes! That's what he means! It makes no difference to him whether you are single or in a relationship. Even asking that DIMWITTED question shows that No, he is not 'happy for you' and doesn't 'wish you well'. He cannot stand the thought of losing his woman on the side who lays down everything for him and pines away.

 

His texts before your date, disguised as being 'oh so friendly and supportive' were manipulative and you should be happy to know he was probably ****ting his pants. LOL. Sorry, but he's a douche and I love it.

 

Next time he asks if you slept with him, tell him that you don't Kiss and Tell and that you will not be answering that question even if/when it happens so please don't ask. It's not respectful.

 

His stupid line about being 'owned by 2 women' was to pull at your heartstrings. In reality, he thinks he owns 2 women!

 

Greyhound- I'm soooo happy that you met this guy. This is a sign or assistance from the Universe to give you the spine you need to dump MM. Let him suffer, like you suffered. And I know his type, he will suffer. Don't be surprised if he comes around all 'friendlike' and tries to sleep with you. He is in the mode where he wants to make sure you aren't happy enough with the other guy to ignore him.

 

This post by you made my week. I'm so glad you met someone interesting!

[Lillyfree]

Oh...those MMs are so disgusting, they are only worrying they can not get free laid anymore. They are so shamelss and value those OWs as nothing. And those OWs are talking about "love", "emotion" endless here.

 

Again, love is gauged by action or by result. I said many time, no man will treasure any woman that they don't need to invest or put efforts on.

 

Next time tell your MM, he needs to put $1000 on your table every time he needs to see or even talk to you in person.

 

I do not give direction that OP should sell her feeling or emotion to the MM by money, but those MMs are so deadbeat, taking free meals for long, years and years. Disgusting.

 

so... in your opinion, 'action' and 'investment' means paying a grand for each meeting?!

smh. i wonder sometimes if you're for real, mount. and if you are, i feel sorry for you.

[Mount]

As I said very cleary when I post this content, I used that as an analogy - means the OP is precious to the MM, to any man, not some free laid (be used for free sex or intimate, as a side dish for her MM).

 

Can you read carefully, understand comprehensively, digest first then reply please.. Don't project your thoughts/reality upon me.

 

I am financially very comfortable than most of people (from my family), than my current MM event though his annual pay is over 5X than me. Thus, as a result, when I dated Single men, I doubt they were interested in me or $$, that is why I got rid of them all.

 

so... in your opinion, 'action' and 'investment' means paying a grand for each meeting?!

smh. i wonder sometimes if you're for real, mount. and if you are, i feel sorry for you.

[Lillyfree]

As I said very cleary when I post this content, I used that as an analogy - means the OP is precious to the MM, to any man, not some free laid (be used for free sex or intimate, as a side dish for her MM).

 

Can you read carefully, understand comprehensively, digest first then reply please.. Don't project your thoughts/reality upon me.

 

I am financially very comfortable than most of people (from my family), than my current MM event though his annual pay is over 5X than me. Thus, as a result, when I dated Single men, I doubt they were interested in me or $$, that is why I got rid of them all.

 

i do. read, and understand, and digest. this is not the first time you've mentioned that MM should pay. in monetary terms.

 

whatever you're trying to say with that 'analogy' still doesn't mean it's not quite unpalatable. what's confusing is that it's coming from an OW. and i'm not projecting anything, i actually haven't put myself in the situation where he'd have anything to pay for. cos, you know, i had enough self control not to sleep with someone who's taken.

 

sorry about the t/j, op.