A dumpee's plan for reconciliation. To be carried out over the next 6 months.

[Javabear]

It's been four long months since he left and while the pain from the breakup has subsided, the love in my heart has not. Being left because my ex developed feelings for someone else SHOULD be a reason to turn tail and run. But, after a lot of soul-searching and self-reflection, I realized that the only reason he became attracted to someone else was because of my behavior. I was too needy, I pushed our relationship too far too soon and I freaked him out. We had been together for three years, but we're in college and this was his first relationship. I'm not making excuses for his actions, I am merely beginning to understand my contribution to the downfall. Yes, he could have fought for me, but it turns out, this breakup was a great thing. I have learned so much about myself and my ability to love. I have amended my view on life and I have a much more realistic understanding of what it means to be in a relationship with someone.

 

However, the fact still remains that, in the deepest part of my heart, I believe that my ex and I are not over for good. There were no serious problems (abuse, incompatibility, constant arguments etc.) that led to the downfall of our relationship. We're merely young people will very little life experience trying to play the part of grownups. We just weren't ready. But he's my person. I know that he's not my only person (I don't believe there is just one mate for all of us), but he's the person I've grown up with. He's the one who helped shape the beginnings of my adult life. We learned from each other in young love and that is a rarity.

 

And so, dear reader, this is my plan to start over with the one I want to be with for life. Yes, he broke up with me, and the conventional belief is that he should be the one chasing me and begging for me back, but I'm not sure I subscribe to those games. However, I do believe that a SIGNIFICANT amount of time must pass in order to assess, with a clear head and open heart, the situation I am in.

 

This plan will take place over the next 6 months. I am going to work to continually improve myself and be the girl he loved from the start. I'm going to practice what I learned in therapy: to build up a strong foundation for my own life with close friends and family and then add to it a lover. I am going to continue to follow my dream of becoming a teacher as well as to travel the world. I will no longer lose myself in my relationship. I am also going to write a book. It's actually something I started a while ago for myself but then decided it might be nice to give it to my ex for our 3 year anniversary (which we almost made it to... two months short). It's filled with memories of our time together and well as quotes and songs and illustrations. But it's more than a diary. It's a reminder that love can change just as easy as the tide, and though it may ebb and flow, that doesn't mean it's gone. Change is good. Change is what forces us to learn and to grow. But change also harbors consistency and throughout the drastic changes that have happened in my life the last four months, I have grown and grown and grown.

 

Once the 6 months has passed it will be August. We will have both graduated from college and will still be living in the same city. We'll be on the brink of adulthood. I don't yet know how it'll happen, but some way or another I'll need to speak with him. I'll tell him all the ways I've changed, tell him that I'd like to learn to love each other again, start a brand new relationship and build upon the foundation we set from the start. I will assure him, as I assure you now, reader, that it might not work. We might just be too different after all of this to find love again. I know quite well it might fail completely... but it could also be the best darn thing that's ever happened.

 

I don't know where it will go from there. I don't know who I'll be in 6 months time or if I'll even want this by then, but if this gut instinct is right, if all he needs is a little time to grow up, then it just might work. And if he says no, I'll finally be forced to cut my losses and move on. I know a part of me will love him forever and while sometimes love is fighting for all you're worth, sometimes it's also letting go. But, for now, I believe in myself, I believe in us and I believe in what we had. I am putting all my faith in the fact that we had a very special relationship for three years and the immense, deep, true love that was formed there is merely covered up, not gone for good.

 

I hope very much that this makes sense and that I don't sound like a crazy, irrational, heartbroken person. I'm trying to be as level-headed as possible, I just can't shake the feeling that this breakup was an ending, but not the end.

[Lone]

Java,

 

This is a great plan. Dont just try and get back to how you were but also to be even better also.

 

Question: Are you going to go NC during this time? I wouldnt suggest contacting him... if he contacts you then you could reply in time but i wouldnt initiate.

 

The best thing is that if you actually do this with fervor you will be in the best position to attract him back/attract someone even better/move on and be happy with YOU FOR YOU.

 

I am in the same position at the moment and though on paper i know what i need to do - i am doing it with the intention of getting the person back. Not entirely for myself. This is something i am struggling with.

[Javabear]

Hi Lone,

Sorry to hear you're in the same position, it's definitely not a great place to be. BUT, as I have learned, it is a great learning opportunity (as are most of life's hardships). To answer your question, I'm going to do my best to not initiate any contact, but I'll respond if he contacts me and if we run into each other I'll be friendly. As bad as the breakup was, I have no harsh feelings towards him and I let him know a month ago that I had let go of all resentment. People make mistakes everyday, especially young people like myself and my ex, and I don't believe that anyone should be punished for that.

 

I hope that you find a way to work towards getting your ex back as well as getting yourself back too. That's always very important. If you're struggling or have questions or need someone to talk to, I'm here! The best way to get through these kind of hardships is with support from other people.

[zcolman]

I'm in the same boat, girlfriend left me 4 months ago, she says now she needs time alone to see whats out there. I feel the same way. My heart knows what it wants and I know she does too. Im giving it a few more months and seeing what can go from there. Time should heal wounds and help for a fresh start, especially if the feeling were there for both parties.

[Javabear]

Although I've been having my doubts with this plan lately, I have decided to carry on because I know I will always wonder "what if" if I don't. I still have four more months to go before any of this can be put into action, and I am thankful that I have time to continue to grow stronger. I drafted the first version of the letter I'd like to give to my ex when I see him. I have always found it easier to say what I want to say in writing so I feel that this is the best way to address everything I want to say. I'd love some feedback on this initial draft... and I apologize in advance for the length.

 

Dear ex,

 

I don't really know how to start something like this, so i'm just going to get right to the point: I miss you. I miss you everyday. My life is moving forward and so many things have changed, but missing you remains the same. I have wanted to tell you all of the things you are going to read in this letter for a long time, but I waited until now for a number of reasons.

 

I wanted you to finish you the rest of the school year without having to worry about me. I have come to realize that our relationship robbed you of the wild and carefree college experience that you both wanted and desperately needed. You needed time to find yourself. You needed these years to grow, learn and find yourself, but instead you found me. I will never, ever regret the years we spent together, but part of me will always wish we had met a few years later.

The second reason I waited so long is because I needed to be sure i was doing this because I truly meant it, not because I was sad and lonely. During a very painful and difficult time in my life, I have still been able to find immense joy. I have come to a place where I am truly happy and I know that no matter what happens I will be alright. I had to get to this point before I could say anything to you.

 

I am not the same girl you left a year ago. You walked away from a needy, insecure person who relied on everyone except herself for happiness. You left a girl without her own personal goals and no clear direction. You left a girl who cried too much, called too often and fell apart whenever you walked away. I am not that girl anymore. I lost myself in our relationship. I cared more about holding onto you than i did about figuring out who I am alone. I would have given up everything if it meant being with you--and I see now just how foolish that was. I don't ever want to make this mistake again because as it turns out, I really like the person I have become. I don't ever want to lose her. The worst part is that as I was losing myself over the years, I was dragging you down with me. You played music less, lost touch with your friends and you started losing yourself too. This is the biggest regret I have in my life.

 

The third reason I waited to say all of this is because I wanted to give you a chance to grow. I asked you to grow up for me when we should have grown up together. I rushed a lot of things we should not have rushed. We have our whole lives to be grown-ups. But I was scared, that's why I talked about wedding dresses and diamond rings. My biggest fear in life is being alone. That's why I panicked and fought so hard to keep you from leaving back in September. I was simultaneously losing you and watching my parents' marriage fall apart and I felt like I had to control one of those situations. But I was wrong. I can't control anyone but myself. I should have let you go the first time you asked. I should have trusted you more than I did when you told me all your needed was a little time. There is nothing I can do to fix the past, but please know that I am very, very sorry. It may seem like I have everything together and know exactly what I'm doing, but you have to remember that this was my first real relationship too. I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm learning just like you are.

 

Through all the learning and growing I have done, I find there remains one constant: you. I still love you. Despite all the heartbreak and pain. I loved you even when I told myself and everyone else that I didn't. I didn't want to love you after what happened because it hurt too much, but the memories of our three years shine through the pain of this year and they kept the love alive.

 

There are a lot of reasons why our relationship did not work out, but very every way we went wrong, there are two ways we went right, and that is what has given me the hope to continue on... to write this letter.

 

Every instance where we had to act like grown-ups in the adult world, we excelled with flying colors. Eight hours buying furniture in IKEA. All of the trips we've been on. All the nights spent talking about life and the future. We never fought then. We handled the real world with perfection; it was only in the world of school where we fell apart. The problems that tore us apart were the result of our immaturity and inexperience, not because there was something fundamentally wrong or incompatible between the two of us. That is why I have hope. I know that it is too late to save what we had, and I think it's best to leave what is broken in the past, but it's never to late to see what we might have next.

 

I know I'm too tall. I know I'm not blonde. I know I'm demanding and expensive. I know our communication was terrible. I know you felt suffocated. I know we still have a lot of growing and learning to do. I know we don't always see eye to eye. But I also know our love was real. it was the kind of love that people spend their entire lives trying to find, and some never do. I have changed for the better and I hope my actions have shown you so. I hope you can forgive me for the way I behaved. I hope you can trust me and believe in me again. I know I can do the same for you.

 

If, after all of this, you truly believe that our love has run its course, then I must ask you to quietly disappear. Please don't call or text. Please don't check in. I will have to pretend that you don't exist until I have completely moved on. But if there is still a part of you that thinks we might stand a chance and is willing to take a leap of faith to give it a shot, if you are willing to work hard for something great... you know where to find me. I can't promise it will be easy and I can't promise that it will work, but it might just be worth it.

 

Love, me

[Lone]

I really like this letter. BUT how can you write it hoping to deliver it in four months - you dont know how u will feel in four months?

 

And if you keep working on it over the next four months all your doing is focusing on what youve lost and that u want it back. U need to try and put him out of your mind and move on. This is the hardest thing i have had to accept.

 

if there is ay chance of reconciliation you need to MOVE ON first and find a place you can live happily without this person. If you catch up 4 months down the line and still feel the same then great do what you will but right now it is vital for you to put this out of your mind whenever it rears its ugly head and do your absolute best to move on and continue your self improvement. Feel free to PM me if you ever need once you've hit 50 posts

[Javabear]

I have kind of reconciled with the fact that I can't put him out of my mind, no matter how hard I try. He is everywhere in my life. He is in every place I go, he's in the books on my shelf, the clothes in my closet and the posters on my wall. Physical objects can be hidden, but memory remains no matter what. I have been "moving on" in the sense that Since December I have not initiated any contact with him whatsoever. I've also blocked him on Facebook. The times we have spoken were because we ended up in the same place at the same time or he texted me first. That is a HUGE change from our relationship where I would call him and need to talk to him all the time. This fact alone helps me believe that I have become strong and independent without him. But it hasn't kept me from missing him.

 

I guess I don't really know how to move on completely. I'm open to the idea of going on dates with other people, but I've yet to be approached. I'm pursuing my own individual goals and planning a life for myself instead of for me and my ex. I'm doing the best I can, but I just can't seem to abandon hope completely. How do you just move on from someone who promised to spend the rest of their life with you? How do you just accept that it's over? How do you up-root three years of love and memories and good times?

[Drseussgrrl]

Hey I haven't read all the responses here. But 6 months of your life is an incredibly long time to go trying to get someone back who left you.

 

I know it sucks but I've gotten over people in 6 months. Time much better spent living your life.

[Javabear]

Thanks for the advice. I wish I had your dedication and conviction to get over him in six months. But this love runs too deep. Or maybe I will be over him by then... who knows.

[TaraMaiden]

Oh my Lord.....

 

 

This thread should be titled "How to set yourself up for Major Disappointment, and Self-Inflicted Pain."

 

This is truly insane.

[Javabear]

TaraMaiden, while I'm sure your intentions are pure, I think it is very rude and judgmental to claim that I am acting insane. I was always taught that if I didn't have anything nice to say I shouldn't say anything at all. This forum is intended to support those who are hurting and there is no room here for unhelpful, inconsiderate comments. You are entitled to your own opinions, and by putting myself out in the public for scrutiny I accept that I won't always like what I hear, but if you can't phrase your comments in a more constructive or helpful manner, please don't waste my time.

[thefooloftheyear]

TaraMaiden, while I'm sure your intentions are pure, I think it is very rude and judgmental to claim that I am acting insane. I was always taught that if I didn't have anything nice to say I shouldn't say anything at all. This forum is intended to support those who are hurting and there is no room here for unhelpful, inconsiderate comments. You are entitled to your own opinions, and by putting myself out in the public for scrutiny I accept that I won't always like what I hear, but if you can't phrase your comments in a more constructive or helpful manner, please don't waste my time.

 

She is usually more sympathetic to the women....the guys? - She just knocks their d**cks in....

 

All kidding aside, I hope(OP) you find whatever makes you feel whole again..Its a pain no one should ever endure-yet it happens to just about everyone.

 

Stay strong...

 

TFOY

[goldengirl11]

Something which crossed my mind recently, as someone who would also like their ex back after he fell for someone else. Have you considered if you keep contacting him that he might mention you to his now GF, which will make her think that he is more special, so will keep hold of him?! One of the reasons why am now eager to stick with NC, unless he contacts me for a change I guess.

[Javabear]

Something which crossed my mind recently, as someone who would also like their ex back after he fell for someone else. Have you considered if you keep contacting him that he might mention you to his now GF, which will make her think that he is more special, so will keep hold of him?! One of the reasons why am now eager to stick with NC, unless he contacts me for a change I guess.

 

That's an interesting thought. As it turns out, my ex and the girl he had a crush on aren't together. From what I understand she wasn't all that interested in being in a relationship with him. I know they're friends and I think he's still trying to sway her, but as far as I know he's single.

 

I actually have not initiated any contact with him since December. The only times we've spoken were when we happened to run into each other on campus or if he texted me first. He has no idea I still feel the way I do.

[TaraMaiden]

TaraMaiden, while I'm sure your intentions are pure, I think it is very rude and judgmental to claim that I am acting insane. I was always taught that if I didn't have anything nice to say I shouldn't say anything at all. This forum is intended to support those who are hurting and there is no room here for unhelpful, inconsiderate comments. You are entitled to your own opinions, and by putting myself out in the public for scrutiny I accept that I won't always like what I hear, but if you can't phrase your comments in a more constructive or helpful manner, please don't waste my time.

 

 

I didn't say you were insane.

Nowhere did I say that. Where did I say YOU are insane?

 

I said "This" is insane.

 

We have this convoluted intention here to contrive and formulate a reconnection; we also have a member (Coping Vortex) who is in complete denial about the state of his relationship - which ended a while ago.... The insanity of the broken heart will clutch at anything to prove itself worthwhile.

 

I can understand why you feel that making a plan that far ahead is calculated, thought out and determined with precision.

But -

Have you any guarantees that either of you will be in the right 'place' to engineer this?

 

Might he be engaged? have met a new young lady?

Even though the state of his current relationship looks dodgy - by then, he could well be on the path to new plans....

 

If you're going to do it - do it now.

Emotionally, he will be simply too far removed in that time to ever take this seriously.

Particularly if there have been other women to date, in between.

 

And if he's still trying 'to sway' his current potential squeeze, how open does that make him to your approach?

Do you truly wish to pursue someone who seems to have got you out of his system?

 

Hell, if you're truly determined to do this, grab the bull by the horns.

Strike now.

 

Because in 6 months' time - there may not be a time.

 

 

She is usually more sympathetic to the women....the guys? - She just knocks their d**cks in....

 

Hmmm... not always. But with such a tempting target.....