Help!

[darland]

Hi,I'm new to this but i thought maybe i can find someone that has gone through a sitituation like mine.I have tried talking to my husband but he wants me just to forget and he thinks we need not to talk about it anymore.Here's my story.I was 30 and had two sons ages 12 and 13,and just only been seperated around 2 months when we started seeing each other.We were neghibors but not too aquainted only knew of their names.Him and his wife too had been having alot of problems and he had already been in contact with a family member about paying his bills and closing his account with his wife.It was almost a yr before i filed for divorce as i knew in my heart their was no way i could go through this again with my ex as he had already done it one other time and i just needed time to get over him.

 

As far as my husband him and his wife was done but he had no emotions of hurt only anger for her.She had been on drugs and not paying bills and i guess this had also went on for awhile.They were married for 1 1/2 yrs.I knew that i did'nt want us to get together out of what we just came out of and i did'nt want to be breaking up anyone as i knew how that felt.He was so good to me and the boys.He treated me like a queen and was so loving and giving to us all.In fact he smuthered me with love and to be honest i was'nt used to that and did'nt know how to handle it.We had alot of things in our way that made it hard.He was a truck driver and my ex was trying to get me back and telling the boys i would'nt give him a chance and the boys did'nt like my husband talking about their dad and i asked him not too but.....I ened up having a hysterocomy and that did'nt help only 1 yr after we were married.My husband i feel likes to control me to a certain point and i've always been out spoken.I opened up to my husband and had told him things that no one knew not even my ex and i felt like we had this connection(soul mates)i have never felt with anyone.He too opened up to me about his childhood and etc.

 

We were married for about 7 1/2 yr's and that when it all started.He met this new dispatcher at his work and he was taking her and some other ones from the office out to lunch and was buying her roses all the time.The first time i found out about the flowers they were on the credit card statement so he wanted me to see it.He had sent them to her for Valentines Day and i got nothing,i was so hurt by this.I don't even know this person.I confronted him and he told me he wanted to get my attention and i told him he did.I quit my job and went on the road with him,we had talked and he denied anything as far as his feelings for her.He told me he felt like he was on the back burner and my focus had been on the boys and that i always took their side over his.To a point he's right but i love my kids and felt the need to protect them(feelings and what ever)Anyways i was on the semi for 8-12 months and got off and went back to work thinking everything was good but he told me he never would do that again and like a fool i believed him.It went on for another yr and one day i checked his computer(highway-master)and their was a message from her thanking him for the flowers and all.I quit my job again and went with.I thought the communication between them had stopped....WRONG!He told me he loved her but not like what he felt for me and he got butterflys in his stomach when he saw her and it goes on.I had to drag this all out of him over months of arguing.

 

 

He quit his job and he bought his own semi to prove to me he says to show me they were just friends.She lives 1200 miles from us one way,I started having anxity attacks from all of the stress.My Dr. suggested we go to counsling but he would'nt go but i did once.This other woman was 33 at the time and he was 43.My husband went on the road by himself about 2 months after buying the truck,Guess what?He called her.When he got home i asked if he had talked to her and he replied NO,I FOUND HER NUMBER IN HIS WALLET.I called her up and confronted her and i should have done it a few yrs back.She too was also married and had kids still at home and been married for 18 yrs or so.She said they were just friends and if she was me to Kick his Asss to the curb.I also called the flower shop and they told me he bought her flowers for every occasion and still even if it was'nt.I cant tell you how many ,many times i confronted him because all the sign were there and he kept saying NOTHING.

 

I told him i called her and i also told him what she said which she put him down as far as looks and their would be no way she would ever leave her husband and etc..He was devastated,i could see it in his eyes and i 'm sorry but i enjoyed it.I wanted him to hurt like he hurt me.It takes two i know and she knew he was married but that did'nt stop her.I'm sorry to go on and on it's just i have no one to talk too and i feel like it's all i think about.It has been 1yr and 2 months since it's been over but it went on for 4 yrs.I can't stand a lie,trust is a big issue to me.I'm almost 44 and the boys are growed with families and we have 4 little grandsons.How do i get beyond the anger and hurt?I don't trust him and he knows this.I love him but i feel like i'm going to end up pushing him towards someone else if i'm not careful.I have even thought about divorce cause i feel i'll end up hurt again and i don't think i can do it again.Thanks for taking the time to read this as i appreciate it beyond words.

[Pocky]

You need to take yourself to counseling. You are experiencing a lot of internal conflict regarding what has happened and you need to have someone you can trust and someone that can help you understand why you're feeling the way you are. You need to go to counseling for yourself regardless of what happens in your marriage because these feelings will continue to grow and any relationship you enter into will be affected by what you're keeping inside.

 

Don't make any sudden decisions about your marriage. Work on yourself right now and once you have come to some understanding of what you're feeling then the time will come to ask yourself if this marriage is something you want to work at.

 

I know it's hard to deal with the cheating. I know it's hard to get over it and you truly need someone that can help you come to terms with what has happened, but at some point you either have to accept that it happened and let the past remain in the past or you have to leave the marriage. You can't crucify yourself, your husband and your marriage on a regular basis because you're incapable of letting go of the past. And I'm not saying you should let go of it - some people never can and they have to end the relationship. What I'm saying though is if you want to make things right and make it work you have to start from today. You have to move forward and stop keeping your head in the past.

[darland]

I know what you are saying,i really do.The hardest thing for me is wondering if she would of left her husband would we still be married.I asked him that question and he said that was'nt what he was after.I want to believe him but again i can't because he lied to me over and over again for four yr's.What's to say he isn't lying about this.He says they never slept together and also that was'nt even on his mind and if something would of happened that it would be over for him.Like i said earlier,trust is a big issue to me.I know i have to get on with life.I'm just having such a hard time moving on.I trusted this man and i thought we had something special and to think it was a lie.

 

I know without a doubt if he would of slept with her that it would be over,i can't or nor am i going through that again.It hurts to know that he was thinking and sending another woman flowers.Today i can't hardly stand getting flowers from him,it just reminds me of her.

[Sheba]

I think that you are justified to feel very hurt and betrayed. I agree that you should go see a counsellor to explore whether or not you can get over the feelings of hurt and betrayal, and to set some parameters for what you need from your husband in order to be able to trust him again.

 

Once you have the help of a counsellor you trust, and with their advice, I think you need to find out what your husband is willing to do in order to re-gain your trust. He is responsible for shattering your trust and, if he wants to save the marriage, he should be willing to work at repairing what he has broken, if that is possible.