How much is too much information?

[DazedConfusedEtc]

I know that there are people who in general wouldn't accept a partner with a wild past/ who has a history of casual sex. This is totally legitimate but this question is not for those people and is not for moral judgement of someone who's had a lot of partners.

 

Let's say that you knew a lot about your partners sexual past -- specific details about who, where, how. That you occasionally ran into these past sexual partners at events and such. You know that your partner loves you and puts you first and s/he always makes it clear that this is the case when former lovers are present.

 

Would it bother you knowing these details, being able to vividly imagine these encounters? Why or why not? If it would bother you, is it something you could get past, and if so, how?

 

Lets also assume that your partner has apologized for telling you too much ad knows it hurt you and it was foolish, and promised to never bring these things up again. Promises to be patient and do whatever it takes to undo the damage.

 

 

 

 

I've spent months haunte by images and stories, and when I finally felt better something happened that opened the floodgates again. I told my partner that what will fix this is making new stories and treating each other with so much love and having so much fun that the past feels distant instead of feeling ever present. Honestly though I'm not sure this is enough, would love to hear other people's experiences and opinions.

 

 

And again, if you think having sexual history in and of itself is a disqualifier you're totally entitled to that, but this isn't about that. I'm looking for ideas about coping, not moralization and judgement of myself or my partner. I'm confident in both of our moral values/ethical codes, I just don't know how to lose these painful images.

[road]

This is not a case of your partner having too wild of a past.

 

This is proof that ex's must be out of your life forever.

 

Your partner and you must go NC, no contact with these past lovers.

 

That means invitations where the ex's have been invited to must be declined.

Mutual friends have to be made aware not to include you when they include the ex's.

 

Eventually the both of you will need to develop a new circle of friends.

[venusianx13]

I am quite honestly unsure what the remedy to this would be. I read your prior post about your relationship and your boyfriend's sexual past, and was thinking exactly this: "He shared far too much information." It is quite understandable how that could be damaging.

 

Really, the only thing you can do is make sure he upholds his promises to keep the past in the past. This includes your boyfriend letting go of those old "FWB's". As much as you know now that they are purely platonic, it will be a constant, in-your-face-reminder of his past, and this is something you carry with you in your subconscious. IF he makes these necessary moves to undo the damage done...the rest of the letting go must be done by you. If you can both uphold your own end, then perhaps you should agree to start with a clean slate after you've gone through the motions and emotions of processing this.

[gina42]

i don't know how much help i can be because i'm kind of in the same situation. my bf and i started out as friends first and talked A LOT about our sexual history. but we were friends right?...so it was fine.

 

not so fine when we started dating. because all the things he told me...i couldn't get out of my head. esp about him telling me about one specific girl that was his best sexual exp...out of all his ex's. ugh.

 

i've told him how i felt. we can't take back what's been said. just try and move forward and keep telling myself it was all in the past. and we definietly don't talk about that stuff anymore. we are open with each other about sex and things we want to do with each other...but we do not talk about the past.

 

he is friends with that one ex on fb and i hate it. but i know he loves me and wants to be with me. has has been really good about reassuring me of that and i don't doubt him.

 

not gonna lie though...every now and then that stuff creeps into my head and i have to try and push it back out.

 

sorry...i'm sure i didn't help. just wanted to let you know how you feel and how hard it can be dealing with that.

[DazedConfusedEtc]

I am quite honestly unsure what the remedy to this would be. I read your prior post about your relationship and your boyfriend's sexual past, and was thinking exactly this: "He shared far too much information." It is quite understandable how that could be damaging.

 

Really, the only thing you can do is make sure he upholds his promises to keep the past in the past. This includes your boyfriend letting go of those old "FWB's". As much as you know now that they are purely platonic, it will be a constant, in-your-face-reminder of his past, and this is something you carry with you in your subconscious. IF he makes these necessary moves to undo the damage done...the rest of the letting go must be done by you. If you can both uphold your own end, then perhaps you should agree to start with a clean slate after you've gone through the motions and emotions of processing this.

Thank you for the reply, and for the non judgmental one on top of that. The cutting off of the FWBs has already been done, there are a couple of friends that are legit friends that I wouldnt tell him to cut contact with. We've had an agreement since the beginning to keep appropriate boundaries -- not go out drinking with someone of the opposite sex, not going to a person of the opposite sex with relationship problems so they can "console" us (theres one friend of his that's an exception, i tell him to talk to her because shes moved on and married and really wants him and us to be happy)

 

He's reassured me about the parts of his past that worried me, i know who he is now. I have to let this go. I think i can do it now because what bothered me with this past stuff is its implications about him and his values, not that he did it. I've been wild and self destructive and had casual sex too and that doesn't make me an unfit partner, the opposite really because I went through what I needed to in order to be able to have a healthy relationship. He had to go through stuff too to get there. We're on the same page now about what we did and where we want to be so I have to leave this stuff behind, stop my thoughts when the icky ones float in.

 

Thank you, road, for your reply too!

[DazedConfusedEtc]

Gina, you did really help, thank you! You know what, if it only creeps up every once in a while, as the time goes on it will only be less and less. It sounds like you guys made good progress with this issue. Not talking about past sex is definitely the way to go.

[road]

i don't know how much help i can be because i'm kind of in the same situation. my bf and i started out as friends first and talked A LOT about our sexual history. but we were friends right?...so it was fine.

 

not so fine when we started dating. because all the things he told me...i couldn't get out of my head. esp about him telling me about one specific girl that was his best sexual exp...out of all his ex's. ugh.

 

i've told him how i felt. we can't take back what's been said. just try and move forward and keep telling myself it was all in the past. and we definietly don't talk about that stuff anymore. we are open with each other about sex and things we want to do with each other...but we do not talk about the past.

 

he is friends with that one ex on fb and i hate it. but i know he loves me and wants to be with me. has has been really good about reassuring me of that and i don't doubt him.

 

not gonna lie though...every now and then that stuff creeps into my head and i have to try and push it back out.

 

sorry...i'm sure i didn't help. just wanted to let you know how you feel and how hard it can be dealing with that.

 

 

I do not know why this post got a liked.

 

Not an attack on the OP. Though if her BF respected her he would go NC with all of his ex's. Specially go NC with the GF that he had the best sex with in his entire life. Even NC of FB.

[DazedConfusedEtc]

I do not know why this post got a liked.

 

Not an attack on the OP. Though if her BF respected her he would go NC with all of his ex's. Specially go NC with the GF that he had the best sex with in his entire life. Even NC of FB.

 

I do agree with this. The friends that my bf has history with are ones that he hasn't talked about sexually, they are purely platonic. It's a huge red flag that he told you about sex with this chick and hasn't gone NC.

 

Ftr I think that usually guys who stay "friends" with an ex still harbor feelings for her. Most men don't like going back, they like conquering new territory, but it makes them emotionally unavailable