Cant cope

[TheOW]

Its been a while

 

Update: We didnt finish we continued but now it is over he wants to give his marriage a chance, it is over this time i can feel the difference, i know its for the best but im obsessing about him, i cant eat, sleep, focus, basically i cant cope with these emotions. This makes it 10 x harder with 2 kids in the house trying to be happy and keep my thoughts away from him, i cant stop crying and i have to try get myself together when my husband comes home at nights so he doesnt think anything is wrong. I give up i just want to run away and be left alone, we initiated NC he broke it other night, i didnt reply until last night, regret it now because now im sitting by my phone waiting for him to reply. What a sad sad woman I am I knew he wasnt leaving his family always been honest about this and i wasnt leaving mines either i guess i was happy with the sneaking and deceit, yep disgusting i know. I dont feel guilty for what i have done to either my husband or his wife do not care about them. Yep self centered, i enjoyed every minute of it. I doubt we will go back to what was there was to much said between us it wouldnt be the same. I have never felt this much pain in my life i want it to end i just cant cope with it.

[TheOW]

I should leave my husband i dont love him, havent done for years and i refuse him sex. I guess im to comfortable with what i have and maybe to scared to live alone and the realities of being a single mom. No i didnt want mm to leave his family either i was happy the way things were but i was becoming to jealous and i know this.

 

Funny thing is i know i can manipulate him back with me and im trying everything to stop doing that, time to grow up, stop cheating and live an honest life for once be an adult. But i guess this is what i am and always will be a manipulator and self destructor. I wont learn from my mistakes and when the pain heals (if ever) i will most likely do it again. What is wrong with me ? I do not feel guilty one bit i keep doing these stupid stupid things in my life.

 

Sorry what is GE ?

[TheOW]

I dont know why not maybe im just to wrapped up in my own pain right now, but i highly doubt i will feel guilt i never felt it during our affair, he did he felt it everyday and wasnt ashamed to admit it either and when he tried to break things off i manipulated him back into the affair with me. I am trying my hardest not to do this again im fighting every impulse i have right now not to text i dont know if thats because i dont think he will fall for it this time or because im scared to go back and when it finishes again to feel the way i am feeling but only worse.

[Summer Breeze]

Its been a while

 

Update: We didnt finish we continued but now it is over he wants to give his marriage a chance, it is over this time i can feel the difference, i know its for the best but im obsessing about him, i cant eat, sleep, focus, basically i cant cope with these emotions. This makes it 10 x harder with 2 kids in the house trying to be happy and keep my thoughts away from him, i cant stop crying and i have to try get myself together when my husband comes home at nights so he doesnt think anything is wrong. I give up i just want to run away and be left alone, we initiated NC he broke it other night, i didnt reply until last night, regret it now because now im sitting by my phone waiting for him to reply. What a sad sad woman I am I knew he wasnt leaving his family always been honest about this and i wasnt leaving mines either i guess i was happy with the sneaking and deceit, yep disgusting i know. I dont feel guilty for what i have done to either my husband or his wife do not care about them. Yep self centered, i enjoyed every minute of it. I doubt we will go back to what was there was to much said between us it wouldnt be the same. I have never felt this much pain in my life i want it to end i just cant cope with it.

 

Do you know what The OW? My advice is to tell your H and to end things. If you do love him it's buried in years of not doing the right things by each other. Free yourself and free him. End it. It is scary to be on your own but a lot of us have done it. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? You don't belong there anymore and I can imagine your H is as unhappy as you are.

 

As for getting over mOM. If you were single I'd tell you to spoil yourself and do what you can to distract yourself. I think it's probably a whole different thing when your M and as you said have to put on a facade. I don't know how you can do it when feeling so much pain. Take the time to reassess and figure out what you want. Then do it. Don't let fear waste your life and my opinion is to tell your H and let him have control back over his too.

 

Good luck.

[ComingInHot]

I agree with Summer Breeze but would like to add something a little "tougher" on the advice part **

 

You say you can't cope? Well, Too Bad! You Need to DEAL with this if you have 2 children counting on you to be the BEST mother you can be.

 

I know you are in pain. I have been in pain BUT I NEVER waivered in my attention, kindness, love and support to my beautiful, Amazing children. I think it was my unwavering DEVOTION to my children that actually Helped me "cope" with what happened and the position I was in.

 

So, suck it up. Listen to Summer Breeze. and for heavens sake don't let a stinkin' affair debilitate your ability to be not just a good Mom but a GREAT mom to your living miracles!!

[Summer Breeze]

I agree with Summer Breeze but would like to add something a little "tougher" on the advice part **

 

You say you can't cope? Well, Too Bad! You Need to DEAL with this if you have 2 children counting on you to be the BEST mother you can be.

 

I know you are in pain. I have been in pain BUT I NEVER waivered in my attention, kindness, love and support to my beautiful, Amazing children. I think it was my unwavering DEVOTION to my children that actually Helped me "cope" with what happened and the position I was in.

 

So, suck it up. Listen to Summer Breeze. and for heavens sake don't let a stinkin' affair debilitate your ability to be not just a good Mom but a GREAT mom to your living miracles!!

 

Well said CIH. My D was a toddler and she was the focus of everything for me at that time in my life. I had to get up in the morning and go to work to pay for our new digs. I came home and cooked dinner and made the place a home while she played around and dealt with the adventure. She was my focus and I got through my D because of her. You need to do the same The OW. As CIH said your devotion to them should be flawless.

 

I still say you should tell your H. I say that not only for him but for you too.

[whichwayisup]

Don't let fear of the unknown, being on your own make you stay in a marriage that you really don't want. You have your kids, you have family, you have friends around to help and support you. You won't be alone.

 

You owe your husband the truth. I agree with the others..

 

Please seek counseling so you can cope with this better and be able to function. Your kids need you!

[TheOW]

Thanks everyone. I dont know how to be on my own and im not only scared of being a single mom but im also scared of my own actions, i obsess when im in a relationship and i self destruct easily. From the outside people see me as the outgoing, friendly and happy person, i know i can get any man i want i am good looking (not being pig headed about this) mm isnt even that attractive and he's 20 years older than me, i guess he showed me attention and i had to get him. I love my kids more than anything but right now i just cant cope i wish i could run away for a few days and clear my head but it is just not possible without to many questions being asked. i know i have to leave him alone for his own sanity otherwise i will destroy his family. I just cant let go. Sometimes i think being found out would be the easier option then i wouldnt have to lie about why i want to leave my husband because i cannot tell him about this affair he knows mm and his wife.

[TheOW]

I know i need to end things with husband but i dont think that would be a good idea at the moment not when i still want mm i know what i am like and i will make a bigger mess of things while im hurting this much.

[Summer Breeze]

I know i need to end things with husband but i dont think that would be a good idea at the moment not when i still want mm i know what i am like and i will make a bigger mess of things while im hurting this much.

 

TOW. You know yourself better than we do. I can see your point about being alone and obsessing about the mOM but living this lie can't be good for you, your H, or your kids. I sincerely doubt that this much hurt can be effectively hidden from your H, no matter how much you would like to think it is.

 

Keep talking in here. Are you getting any professional help IRL? It sounds like you could use someone to talk to.

[TheOW]

I just want my friend back we confided so much with each other he wishes to remain friends i know this is impossible my jealousy would consume me and i will be erratic and lash out most likely at his wife, which none of this is her fault. I just dont know how to let go i will see him around and so far i have managed not get around without bumping into him but that impulse is getting stronger to see him.

 

I cant do counceling i have young kids at home wouldnt be possible for me to travel for it not to mention the finances of counceling either. I have no money my husband works and has the money

[Summer Breeze]

I just want my friend back we confided so much with each other he wishes to remain friends i know this is impossible my jealousy would consume me and i will be erratic and lash out most likely at his wife, which none of this is her fault. I just dont know how to let go i will see him around and so far i have managed not get around without bumping into him but that impulse is getting stronger to see him.

 

I cant do counceling i have young kids at home wouldnt be possible for me to travel for it not to mention the finances of counceling either. I have no money my husband works and has the money

 

You can't be friends, you're right. There's a reason they're exes whether they're xHs, xlovers, xBFs. I'm not a believer in being able to go back over the line once you've crossed it.

 

How old are your kids? Are you able to tell him you have post partum depression? I would rather you not lie but I think right now it's more important to get you some help and get yourself under control and hopefully to a place where you can make some good decisions for you and your kids, and also explore letting your H know too.

[TheOW]

If I had a dime for every young good looking OW involved with an older homely MOM I would be a very rich man.

 

In most instances the OW is simply in love with how MOM makes her feel. You are in love with the feelings.

 

This syndrome is common in women that crave external validation and attention. They will fall in love with whomever meets that craving.

 

You need therapy.

 

 

Ur right i think i would be a therapists dream, my thought process is not like others.

[Realist3]

Someone needs therapy because they like being loved?

[whichwayisup]

Someone needs therapy because they like being loved?

 

She has issues that need to be confronted and dealt with. Her coping and functioning skills right now aren't in a good place. Anybody can see she's drowning and needs help. This isn't about her desire to be loved, it's much more than that.

[BrokenPrincess]

TOW, how long has it been since he ended it? It sounds very recent. I was exactly like you the first 2-3 weeks--trying to fake it for H & son, but nearly immobilized with despair. I couldn't sleep more than 2 hours without waking up, dreams were all of xMM, so vivid. I cried & cried & cried.

 

I told my H that I was feeling depressed, but he didn't know why or really question it. I went to a psych who put me on antidepressants, but honestly, they didn't help. I finally just started IC, about 3 months post D-Day. So all of that initial grief I tried to swallow on my own.

 

I tried posting here at first and the comments were so harsh, I felt like I should do everyone a favor & just die. I finally broke down and confided in a friend and I was crying so hard I could hardly talk. Is there anyone at all you can talk to?

 

For me, I had to let all those tears out. I hid in the shower, the bathroom, unnecessary trips to the grocery store just so I could sob in private.

 

Those weeks were the absolute lowest point of my life, but IT WILL GET BETTER. You just have to take it literally one hour at a time. Do not contact him. You can do it!!

[Lillyfree]

i was a mess for a few weeks. but it DOES get better!

 

maybe it would help to go away with your husband and children, even for a few days. get yourself out of the routine, familiar places, there will be no fear of running into MM. harder to break NC.

[stevie_23]

I felt like this when my ex-MM left me. I also had to pretend everything was ok around my real life partner. It was very, very hard.

 

Pierre has told the OP similar things that he told me. About how I was in love with how my ex-MM made me feel. I know this is true, but I also loved HIM too.

 

And hey Pierre, you know I’m yet another person who’s an attractive young woman who was in love with an older, “homely” man. Lol. Though mine was attractive for his age.

[Ellin]

If I had a dime for every young good looking OW involved with an older homely MOM I would be a very rich man.

 

In most instances the OW is simply in love with how MOM makes her feel. You are in love with the feelings.

 

This syndrome is common in women that crave external validation and attention. They will fall in love with whomever meets that craving.

 

You need therapy.

If you don't mind me asking, how do you know so much about women's feelings, emotional pitfalls and inner life in general? I'm just curious because it is rare for a man to be such an expert.