uakari Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 Ok so me and the wife have been together for 16 years and have a 15 year old son. Nearly three years ago she started a new job working nights in a bar in town, the bar is open until 3am but by the time they have cleaned up she comes home around 6am. With her working nights it put a strain on our relationship because she is supposed to have 2 nights off a week but what was regularly happening was that she had to work a 6th night because of staff holidays, staff sickness, staff leaving, also her night off rota was worked out on a weekly basis so she would come home monday night and say i have off monday, tuesday this week, following week she would come home and say I have only have thursday off this week, this has carried on for over 2 years. Over the course of the employment on several occasions she has also not arrived home until 11am, 1pm, and on one occasion 5pm and there has been no contact from her via mobile phone, Just out of contact. We have been having constant arguements about her job which sadly our son has witnessed for 2 years. The intimacy, hugs, kisses, snuggling up when she gets into bed in the morning, I love you's are all still there and has never changed in 16 years, Shes the one that initiates the contact between us 90% of the time. December 27, I'm tidying the bedroom and I find cocaine straws and empty coke wraps hid under items under the bed. Son was with me in bedroom Early hours of saturday morning I was on facebook ( The bars page ) and they had a new friend added, me being nosey I clicked and had the shock of my life, A facebook profile with a man with my wife in various pictures with his arm around her, the male half naked with his arm our her looking loved up and to cap it all off a photo of her holding his face with her hand looking loveling into his eyes with an engagement ring on her finger with the Title "Engaged" apparently on the 15th January, The facebook page says he started the relationship in July 2012. I storm off out to the bar at 3am to tackle her about it, She just says "sorry", I tell her to get home immediately and I will be waiting for her. She text my son on his mobile at 5.15am to say "She will be home in a bit", We waited and waited and waited, She eventually turned up at 4pm where it was all discussed, She says she doesnt love me anymore and hasn't for a very long time and wants it over, She went upstairs packed enough clothes for 2 days and left around 8pm. My sons devestated and so am I. We are both sat here numb, he has witnessed her affection towards me, I can't walk past her without her grabbing me and hugging me or she will just spntanously come over and give me a kiss and say I love you. Ever night she works, at 3am she sends me a text which usually says, Hey cant wait to get home and have your arms around me love you xxx, I text back I love you. 24 hours prior to her walking out I recieve the same text so I replied I love you she sent another one back "I love you more". xxxxx Confused heartbroken numb dont know what to think all signs say she loves me and wants me and our son, Her words say she doesnt. My son refuses to see her or talk to her, he feels betrayed, letdown, He doesnt want her back, where as I would take her back in a shot and make it work.... My head is so battered.. Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 Your wife has turned into a coke addict. You need to get out of your marriage 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Later82012 Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 I would take her back in a shot and make it work.... If you take her back she will most probably repeat it. Are you ready for the repeats with him or any other and live a miserable life keeping busy with her like this for the rest of your life? Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 I would be the most concerned about the drugs left in the house for your son to see. I'm guessing you want her back because you love her, which I understand. You said that she left, did she come back? If so, you need to sit down and talk to her and find out what's going on. She is not treating you very well, and I think that you deserve better than that. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 You need to contact the OM. He probably doesn't know that your wife is still doing lovey things with you. Show him her texts. I doubt he would have given her an engagement ring if he knew she was still having sex with you. This guy obviously does coke with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author uakari Posted January 24, 2013 Author Share Posted January 24, 2013 I know all of your advice is correct and I'm not thinking right, yes i still love her, 16 years together isnt something to be thrown away lightly especially when I see the love and affection she shows towards me and our son when we are together. She has left and hasn't been back since saturday when she took two days worth of clothes, She is constantly texting my son but he refuses to reply or or acknowledge her. I've text and left voice messages asking her to contact me because we need to sort things out, If it is over then move her stuff out, financial things, and if and when times my son wants to see her, but as yet she wont return my text or calls. Both sets of inlaws have said they think that when she is at home she plays the wife/mother but when she goes out to work she becomes the single/seperated woman free to do as she pleases, a double life The drug issue is a problem but you can't help someone who is in denial and thinks its acceptable to bring drug paraphanalia in the home with a child around. I know deep down what I should do and thats start divorce, me and my son will live happpily on our own, Its just the heart telling me shes worth saving and to work at the marriage with a 16 year history. Link to post Share on other sites
sLiPpeTh Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 So, you got married and you expected what? Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 So, you got married and you expected what? I just have to say something...please stop with all the underhanded comments. They aren't helpful. OP, you already know what you need to do. It seems that you are more upset about losing the marriage, then actually losing HER. So, perhaps you just need a little more time to get over the loss of the relationship before you can take that final step (divorce). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sLiPpeTh Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 I just have to say something...please stop with all the underhanded comments. They aren't helpful. OP, you already know what you need to do. It seems that you are more upset about losing the marriage, then actually losing HER. So, perhaps you just need a little more time to get over the loss of the relationship before you can take that final step (divorce). So I take it, "underhanded" is your way of saying that you're simply uncomfortable with reality. Obviously, this paticular individual is experiencing the very same scenario most men go through when they marry a woman who cannot keep a commitment. Link to post Share on other sites
aussietigerwolf Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 She is not worth having back... She left drugs in the house that could have harmed your son and not only did she abandon you, she abandoned her own child to go play happy families with this other guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 sLiPpeTh again with the battering! What's wrong with you man, are you a troll? OP's come seeking help and guidance, his wife just left, he's in a bad place and you're being sarcastic? Sorry OP, looks like you're wife is deep in an affair and has been for a while. She's abandoned you and the children and isn't taking your calls, if it's the drugs then she's in another reality all together and running away from her problems. 16 years is alot of time, but it's not that much to allow yourself to be trampled on like this. She's cheated, so what are the consequences? Get a lawyer ASAP, and start sorting your life out and show her how serious you are. You have to man up for the boys!! Link to post Share on other sites
denxnis Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 This is disgusting. Change all the locks in your home and DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT contact her. She didn't make a mistake, she made a decision, and that decision was to abandon your relationship and son. I can't imagine anything lower than what she did. This is not the woman you once loved and cared for. You have to understand this and begin to heal with your son. The next several months will probably be the most difficult in your life but it will not get any better if you talk to her or take her back. I would recommend talking to her if she was begging for forgiveness but she is obviously only thinking of herself. You are MUCH better than her. Link to post Share on other sites
Nyla Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 (edited) Do you want your son to grow up with a coke addicted mom? How do you think it will affect your son to grow up with a mom, who cares more about drugs and sleeping with men other than his father? Your wife is already throwing your marriage away. Edited January 27, 2013 by Nyla 1 Link to post Share on other sites
moomin Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 It does sound like an awful place to be. First thing I will say is you have a child at the age that is the most vulnerable and accessible time for a young adult to go off the rails ie fake id, wrong crowd or even performance slips. I would play this two ways. For your kid, stay positive and think about this if you was an outsider looking in. So Mum still loves, you she has issues but we are going to give her time, she uses drugs she has found someone else, we have split up and deal with this soon. Also accept what I think a few people have said above and that is coke affects your mindset. I would advise that you treat this as she does and start sorting out your finances / divorce etc so that you cannot have her and her new player clean you out. This is a priority to be done alongside you ready your son also. If she gets money from you now or you have a joint account work on freezing this. Even if she takes nothing from you now you must ensure this is plugged. As for your wellbeing and your sons. Try and do something together instead, ie join a gym together, go training do positive stuff instead of being stuck on the negatives. As for your relationship, 16 years is a long time and this may just be a blip and she may come out and realise she made a mistake but by the sounds of it not any time soon so do not close down this idea but be ready for the worse. It could get uglier too as coke is like a fire and it needs a source to burn. Dont be that source. She may come back from this and I really do hope she does but my advice is given to try and help you recover and be ready for anything. See it as the next challenge of your relationship and I wouldnt start dating elsewhere set the right example now. If you put your head in the sand you risk a) son b) financial position c) long term mental health of yourself Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 uakari, permit me to offer a few words of counsel: You love your wife, and as you say, 16 years are hard to just discard, in a bat of an eyelid. However, I see what's happening here. What's happening here, is that the Emotional Heart, is getting in the way of the Practical Head. You must never, absolutely cannot ever, permit Emotion to cloud Practical judgement. The emotional entanglement you and she are extricating yourselves from, is one thing. The Practicality of a divorce, and legal separation - is quite another. Hard as it may be to understand - the two should never meet, and you cannot allow heart to rule head. How you feel about this on an emotional level, may be of supreme importance - but equally important - in fact, far more so - is the logical, practical and rational decisions you have to make, with regard to a legal separation and divorce. Do not permit how you FEEL about her, to interfere with what you must Practically do. You owe it to your son to be strong, and be a role model. The more you prevaricate, the more respect for you, he will LOSE. Here, he will have two 'useless' parents: A mother who sleeps around, flirts, lies, cheats and takes drugs, and Here, a father who allows himself to be ridden roughshod over. A patsy. A doormat. A puppy who gets kicked but comes back for more. Spineless, weak and unimpressively disappointing. You have to do the right thing by him. Nobody says that divorcing her must also mean you have to stop loving her. I get it. But you absolutely MUST do the right, proper - and ONLY - thing that you should do: And that is to end this sham of a marriage once and for all. She's winding your heart around her little finger, and you, are simply rolling over and letting her get away with it. By all means love her. But 'Leave' her, too. File for divorce, and tell her to get out. Now. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mycteria Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 When I was 17, my mom did the same thing your wife has done. I went to live with my dad because I hated my mom for what she did. But then my dad was so in love with her and wanted their marriage to work so badly that he tried to get her back. He would listen to her about things regarding me or just stuff in general. I ended up losing respect for him too because I thought he was bending over backwards to get her back and it was interfering with us moving on. I ended up rebelling from him too, got involved in drugs myself, and just generally dropped off the deep end. Dropped out of college and whatnot. I ended up recovering but it was a long road to get back to where I am now. My dad and I are fine and I'm almost finished with my degree. I'm just relating this story to you to try and prevent you from doing what my dad did. Kick your wife to the curb, be there for your son, and don't even THINK about taking her back until she has completely changed (preferably after a period of living on her own) and you are sure your son has forgiven her as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hurts_so_bad Posted February 9, 2013 Share Posted February 9, 2013 The guy who she is playing around with from the bar is probably the neighborhood sc@mbag coke dealer who wheels and deals his money around like some JO... Unfortunately she probably fell for that bad boy crap and the short lived glitz and glamour! His day will come so keep that in mind to make you feel better! Listen I too have made many mistakes in my marriage, drinking, gambling, arrests, to the point my wife left me and found someone new about a year ago now. So I can give a different perspective.. I am not by any means to defend her or her actions so dont get me wrong but people who are under the influence do a lot of stupid s@@t! I realize now what I have lost and how much of a moron I was! People make mistakes all the time...That does not mean they do not deserve another chance to change things..If a person is garbage without drugs they are just garbage..But if a person is a good person, drugs can change them to garbage in which they can still be helped cause they were a good person before. If she comes back to you apologizing and you still feel you love her demand that she quits working at the bar, and goes into NA before you consider anything! She has something to prove to you not the other way around so dont be a doormate! Demand it or nothing! You can live without her but you are choosing to give her a chance cause you still love her. After 16 years I cant blame you but you can live without her! Trust me! If she does not contact you just live your life with your boy and do best for you as best you can to keep your mind busy! I have been threw it and its a hell of a rollercoaster ride! Just know that every single thought that goes threw your head is 100% completely normal! Do not try to fight it and think (like I did) if I was a better man or this or that...Just accept every thought and pain that you have..The more you try to fight it the longer it lasts and the more confused you will be! It hurts I know and its easier said than done but if you grieve it without questioning why you feel this way, the pain with subside faster. DO NOT contact her at all! Give it some time...Your not a doormate if you give it some time to see what life has in store but you are if you keep calling her so leave her alone which will also help you. You do not have to rush into a divorce to prove you are a tough guy! Are you? Is that what you really want? No! So play it cool...What good is a divorce going to do anyway if one day she sincerely realizes how much she screwed up (like I did) and wants to come back to you to maybe be the best wife ever? You never know what life is going to deal you so give it a little time...Whats the rush? She may come back or she may not or you may even find in this time you dont want her back...You never know so try as best you can to relax without making rash decisions especially right now with all the emotions your working with. One more thing sorry... If things get ugly with her and she starts harrassing you get an order of protection against her and make sure all involved knows she is on drugs...If you still have the stuff you found submit it. This will be a pretty good way to insure your staying in the home with your child instead of her getting the home and subjecting your child to her nonsense and playing house with some sc@mbag in a home you are paying for! Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted February 14, 2013 Share Posted February 14, 2013 The guy who she is playing around with from the bar is probably the neighborhood sc@mbag coke dealer who wheels and deals his money around like some JO... Unfortunately she probably fell for that bad boy crap and the short lived glitz and glamour! His day will come so keep that in mind to make you feel better! One more thing sorry... If things get ugly with her and she starts harrassing you get an order of protection against her and make sure all involved knows she is on drugs...If you still have the stuff you found submit it. This will be a pretty good way to insure your staying in the home with your child instead of her getting the home and subjecting your child to her nonsense and playing house with some sc@mbag in a home you are paying for! Pls listen to this, because right now she does have the power to still get into the house, get custody of your kid and move the scumbag in your house. And she will move back regardless of weather or not she has changed when her current scumbag end it with her [and it will end]. Your present actions may badly affect your kid. Talk to a lawyer and see how you can use the drugs paraphnelia in the D proceedings. If you are nice to her right now, you will risk losing your son ... simple as that. Link to post Share on other sites
zackburnet Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 Uakari, Okay , you love your wife have been together for 16 years, right? humans can change, she has now started to take drugs, she began to have a new boyfriend, and the latest, she running out of the house, forget it, do not fight fire with fire, use a gentle way, you think of yourself, perhaps you need a counselor , it's possible. I have two suggestions for you, first slowly forget her or the second, try gentle way to reconcile with her, use your child as bait. No mother in this world that would not love her children, try ..... Link to post Share on other sites
HKcolon Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 OMG...I don't really know what to say except for that I am sooo sorry. Nobody deserves to go through what she put you and your son through. She is doing cocaine and engaged to another man while married to you!? She doesn't apologize properly and continues staying out till the wee hours of the night!?!? Your son is old enough now that you could easily feel safe dating another woman and not having to worry about her being a child molester...Here is my advice to you sir...because your wife is NUTS and you and your son deserve so much better: 1. Take photographic evidence of her cocaine as well as keep copies (offline) showing her engaged to the other man. Keep hold of all of her late-night texts to you and your son. Keep this stuff well-hidden and away from any money (since she might discover the items while searching for cash). 2. Contact a lawyer about a divorce. 3. Get a divorce ASAP. Use the stored information to gain custody of your son. He should not be growing up with heavy drugs littered around the house. What if she begins IVing her drugs and leaves needles on the floor? 4. Be supportive of your son during this time. 5. Avoid sex with your wife. She could be at high risk of STDs at this time, and the last thing you need is to get her pregnant. 6. Finalize the divorce papers etc. and get out with your son. 7. Avoid her and make sure you take security measures to safe guard your house in case she tries to break in or cause harm to you, your son, or your belongings. 8. Find a hotter woman who is nice, stable, and respects you and your son. xx Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 zackburnet You mean well, I'm sure, but..... No. Just - No. Never. Not..... No. Link to post Share on other sites
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