BRANLYNN Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 I have only been married for a year, been together 5 years before that. He is a good man, solid and steady. I find I have to constantly remind myself to do the things I use to when I was still attracted to him. Such as stupid things like touching his arm or something. Nothing feels the same for me at all, and I've tried talking to him about this. He just chalks it up to S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder)I feel so guilt-ridden by even thinking about life without him. He's never done me wrong or anything that would make my feelings change, any woman would be more than lucky to have him. I just worry because I got married when I was young, only 23. I feel like now I'm being held back to do the things I want to do with my life. It hurts, I feel lost, guilty, frustrated, lonely.. I wish I could explain it better or have someone to talk to. It just doesn't make any sense, I always thought I loved him with all of my heart. Now it makes me think my heart must be awfully small. Link to post Share on other sites
Moanin Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 I have been married for 12 years and I have felt "stuck" for many of those years. We have small children, so I'm not going anywhere, anytime soon. If you feel this way after only one year of marriage, it most likely won't get better (only worse). If you don't have any children, I would suggest leaving. This will also give your husband an opportunity to find someone who truly wants to be with him..... Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Lillyfree Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 my husband and i were the same age when we got married. we still did things we wanted to do, being married didn't stop us - it just meant that we had someone to do them with... and it wasn't until we were married for about 12 years that the problems started to appear. if you're experiencing this so early in your marriage, it doesn't bode well. Link to post Share on other sites
Ninja'sHusband Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 Marriage isn't all roses and luvvee dovies. It takes work and commitment. Maybe go to counseling. If you feel like this now and don't know why, what's to say it won't happen with the next relationship? I wouldn't give up so fast, especially after tying the knot. Link to post Share on other sites
Turtles Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 So what are these things you want to do with your life that he is preventing? Can you talk to him about that and see if there is a possibility of working something out? There's always ups & downs, you can't quit just because you are in a down swing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BRANLYNN Posted January 25, 2013 Author Share Posted January 25, 2013 I know this is going to sound totally selfish, but it is. I feel like it is his life and I am just along for the ride. We recently moved to western PA from Philadelphia, for his job. I haven’t finished my Bachelors Degree because I worked while he went to school and didn’t work. I’m not 100% happy with my job but due to our financial situation don’t really have the option of going else where, especially for less pay. I cook, I clean, I take out the trash, I take out the dog, I do the grocery shopping, I do the dishes (the dishwasher is broke). He does do the occasional load of laundry, at the laundry mat. My parents gave us their old washer and dryer and they’ve been sitting in our basement, not hooked up, since September. He’s been saying that he will take care of it since. I feel like I’m going through the motions. Putting a smile on and just doing life. Like there’s nothing to look forward to. I’ve taken up hobbies, sewing and Zumba, I’ve tried to plan trips and things to do, he rather sit at home in front of the TV, and God forbid I should want to go without him. I understand doing things together, but if it’s not what he wants to do, we don’t get to do it, at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Thegameoflife Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 It sounds like you've made a lot of sacrifices to make things work. You could be feeling resentment for lack of appreciation. You sound like a good woman to me. I feel stuck in my life too. I know how it feels, and I'm searching for a solution too. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 There is a book you may benefit from called "Boundaries in Marriage". Amazon.com sells it. Was your loss of feelings directly tied into being held back/controlled/limited? If it occured after you were held back/limited - I have a thought.If you are considering leaving him, which I think you are, why not be bold and do what you need to do for yourself first.....and let him decide if he wants to leave you instead? 1) Get on your degree? 2) Within reason, if you want to go do something - and he refuses to join you - just go anyway? 3) Stop doing more than your share of things or trying to control him (see boundaries book). Any response he has (likely threats, or outburst of anger) can be responded to calmly as you would towards child "I am sorry you feel that way, and I love you, but I am doing/not doing this thing right now for my needs". Just a thought. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BRANLYNN Posted January 28, 2013 Author Share Posted January 28, 2013 Dichotomy, That is what I have recently started to do. Just do things for myself and let him decide if he wants to join. And lately, he's passed at opportunities. He's noticed the change and I think he's afraid of what might come but I haven't seen much effort on his part to do anything about it. I have been enjoying myself for the most part, but from time to time there is a flicker of guilt. I don't know why I should feel guilty when he's the one that doesn't want to participate. I don't know how long we can go on with living separate lives like this. Sooner or later we're not even going to know who each other are anymore? Link to post Share on other sites
Turtles Posted January 29, 2013 Share Posted January 29, 2013 It's a bit of a make it or break it, but you are not happy with the status quo so he has to meet you half way. I followed the same pattern in my marriage in somewhat similar circumstances and ended up breaking it but in the end it was the best thing that could happen. If you keep giving him opportunities to go with you but he keeps refusing then eventually you're right that you will be strangers and at that point leaving him will be the natural course. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted January 29, 2013 Share Posted January 29, 2013 As long as you don't stop asking him to join you, or say you wished he was there, and remain positive but strong, you can take the high ground and not feel guilty. Yes - your journey may take you further away from closeness, but if your more happy as a person - maybe just maybe you can still appreciate the other things he does have or bring to you. Many happy marriage have partners which involve themselves in different things - separately. Maybe he will get a clue? Happy content partners are good to have in marriage. In any case, I think this is the right path for you to be for now, taking care of your needs (within reason) while staying in the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
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