Impostor Syndrome

[NoMoreJerks]

Hi everyone,

 

I've been doing my PhD (in my 3rd year), and passed my comprehensive / qualification exams last May. Since then, I've been feeling very mentally exhausted, and feeling like a impostor. I don't know if any of you have heard of this phenomenon (impostor syndrome), but I have heard that it is quite common especially among PhD students, especially when they reach the stage where they have to produce their own project/dissertation.

 

I just feel like I'm not good enough. And I have also noticed an actual (rather than perceived) reduction in my performance. For example, if I go to some sort of a talk, I find it hard to concentrate and to understand what the presenter is arguing, and to be critical of what is being presented.

 

I was wndering if others have gone through this -- either in the context of graduate schoolwork or in the workplace, etc., and how you have overcome this problem?

 

Right now, I feel paralyzed, and can't do any work on my dissertation proposal (it doesn't help that I was dumped a month ago)... I am scared/worried that the work I will show my supervisor (I haven't written anything yet) won't be good enough / will be of laughable quality , will permanently make me seem stupid in my professor's eyes... etc. And I feel completely lost about what I want to write about, can't come up with a topic, etc.

 

Any thoughts?

Edited January 25, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[tman666]

No advice on how to get over it, but I feel like an imposter in my job as an engineer. I have all the qualifications, my bosses seem to trust me, and I get positive feedback on most of my work/decisions I make, but for some reason, I can't shake the feeling that I'm one blunder away from total catastrophe.

 

Sometimes, I'll have breakthrough moments where I'll come up with something innovative, or "save the day" in a high pressure environment, but most days, I pretty much feel like any average schmuck off the streets that happens to be in charge of something too big for him.

 

Thoughts like "why do they trust me with this solution?" are pretty common.

 

Anyway, you're not alone.

[NoMoreJerks]

Thanks for the input tman666.

 

I totally know how you feel. I feel the same way most of the time. Except that, in my case, I rarely, if ever, get that sort of reassurance that I am doing a good/great job. Most of the time I am, at best, made to feel that I "could do better", which really doesn't help with my paranoia that what I did was really sh*tty and that they are just putting a more positive spin on it, in trying to tell me that my work was sh*t.. In fact, my own supervisor keeps trashing my own work. I guess he's one of those people who believe that by making his student feel bad/not good enough,he will be pushing them to work harder/excel. I used to be like that, but now, I just give in and tell myself -- you know what? Maybe he's right, and maybe this is the limit of my abilities, and I can't do any better.

 

The other week I had a breakdown and it took my sister the whole day to convince me not to quit my PhD program.

[tman666]

 

Sorry to hear that you don't receive any positive feedback from your professor. In my opinion, that's just crappy leadership that stems from big egos rather than effective motivational practice. I had a boss like that (only criticized, nothing was every quite good enough, would basically end things with "it will have to do this time, but in the future...).

 

I would vent to my dad on occasion (who spent his career in upper level management) about my woes and while he sympathized, he said at one point that I should be thankful that I was getting this experience because it will make me a better leader when I'm in that position someday.

 

I think Vince Lombardi's statement that "it's not whether you get knocked down, it's whether you get up" applies strongly here. It's definitely hard not to internalize negativity, especially when it's persistent. But maybe you can take solace in the fact that your experiences now will build resiliency for the future.

[spiderowl]

I do know what you mean. I tend to feel this way when facing any big project or any creative project. I paint and I'm good at it, but when I decide to do a painting, it's as if I forget I could ever do it and also I'm afraid it won't work again. It's partly because I truly never know how a painting is going to end up - it is a creative process which develops as it goes along. I start out with an idea but rarely end up with what I envisioned. Sometimes I end up with something a lot better than I envisioned but I look at it with amazement and wonder where it came from. The whole process seems so out of my control. In fact, I can understand why many artists feel that their creativity flows from elsewhere - from God, from the unconscious, or wherever.

 

I don't know if you are feeling similarly or not. This is the time to use the power of the unconscious. Believe it is going to guide you and help you over this tough starting process. What might help you is to get some bare bones down on paper, in a little notebook. If you don't know where to start, then when you do get an idea - of something to pursue, a question to answer, or of something you want to include whether it fits or not - just write it down. See if any of the 'threads' in your book develop. Also, you could try putting down a structure, as if you were guiding another student through the different elements of an academic paper: abstract, introduction, and so on. Just have the bones and leave spaces for the text. Then sleep on it. The next day look at it - do not put pressure on yourself, just look at it idly, then sleep on it again. The idea is that you are telling your unconscious mind the structure it needs to plan and work within. I'm sure eventually things will come to mind that could fit in those spaces and your work will start to evolve.

 

You could try mind-mapping too, if you haven't already (Tony Buzan). Keeping a notebook of ideas that pop into your head is handy as you might forget them otherwise. They might not be all that relevant now, but if your subconscious is trying to tell you something, they might be later.

 

I do think this kind of panic time is a sign that the unconscious mind is trying to sift and sort and make sense of what you have been doing and to form some sort of summary. That's why it feels so hard and stressful. Just let it go about its work. I can imagine having been dumped was terribly hurtful too and you are still suffering the effects of that. The guy/girl wasn't right for you or they wouldn't have done that, it's very straightforward. The ones that are right for us stick. They make an effort too and things work. If someone hurts you, it's a good sign they are not right. It seems obvious and yet in a way it isn't. It's a natural filtering process that hurts badly at the time but later on, in retrospect, when we find better potential partners, makes sense.

 

I do wish you all the best with this and I know what it feels like to face a big project whilst feeling like you're in a swirling maelstrom. Eventually, the clouds will start to clear, especially if you take little steps to harness the power of your unconscious.

Edited January 25, 2013 by spiderowl

[cerridwen]

 

I was wndering if others have gone through this -- either in the context of graduate schoolwork or in the workplace, etc., and how you have overcome this problem?

 

 

I've gone through this in the workplace.

 

My agency sent me out to head what turned out to be an impossibly talented group of creatives.

 

On the second day, an uneasiness set in.

I started questioning my director's decision to have me lead.

 

By the third day, I began to lie awake at night.

Were they learning from me, I wondered, or was it me actually riding their coattails?

 

By the fourth day, it was all I could do to not let them seeing me sweating.

I had completely psyched myself out.

Any sense of being deserving of the position, went out the window.

I completely dismissed/forgot any accomplishments that qualified me.

I became creatively constipated.

I felt like a complete imposter waiting to be exposed.

 

What I learned from my shrink is perfectionists are most vulnerable to this way of thinking.

We tend to compound whatever criticism is thrown our way by giving ourselves an additional kick in the ass.

We then paralyze ourselves by wanting to be perfect; interpreting any misstep, any tiny flaw, as a sign of our incompetence.

In your case, you have this supervisor acting as yet ANOTHER critic to add to your already brutal internal one.

No wonder you're having such a tough time!

 

Right now, I feel paralyzed, and can't do any work on my dissertation proposal (it doesn't help that I was dumped a month ago)... I am scared/worried that the work I will show my supervisor (I haven't written anything yet) won't be good enough / will be of laughable quality , will permanently make me seem stupid in my professor's eyes... etc. And I feel completely lost about what I want to write about, can't come up with a topic, etc.

 

Any thoughts?

Feelings aren't facts.

Just because we are thinking it, didn't mean it is true.

Please remind yourself of this.

 

During moments of paralysis, try to remind yourself not to buy into the panic, the negative self-talk.

Try to simply see it as your internal critic being activated and observe its thought pattern with some detachment.

What we tell ourselves can be incredibly destructive so

don't believe everything you think.

 

The truth of the matter is you were deemed completely qualified for the program.

That is a fact.

 

Your supervisor has a style that isn't reflective of your ability, but is in fact his style.

He's not singling you out because of some deficiency.

He is (misguidedly) trying to bring out the even better part of an already great student.

Because let's face it: PhD programs aren't the easiest things to get into.

I'm in the process of applying so I know.

Kudos to you for being accepted.

 

So, don't forget:

You are deserving of being in the program.

You are capable.

You will have human moments with missteps.

Don't let it psych you out.

 

Update us sometime?

 

Best wishes for finding your peace.

Edited January 25, 2013 by cerridwen
That missing period

[ana0pera]

NoMoreJerks, are we twins? I am in my 3rd year of a PhD program, I absolutely hate it most of the time these days (and this started only after I finished my quals), I just ended a relationship (that was LDR with a jerk, too), and I feel so inadequate. If you tell me that you're a biologist too I might just have a heart attack

 

in all seriousness though, I will give you a more thorough response tomorrow because it's pretty late here and my brain is fried, but this is something that everyone goes through. I know a lot of professors at my university have thought about quitting one time or another. That is somewhat reassuring. What's not reassuring is that oftentimes high-powered people, especially women, still have imposter's syndrome. It helps to have someone to talk to this stuff about. Other graduate students who can rant alongside you, just to get it out of your system. Positive reinforcement that you are not alone, and also positive feedback on progress you are making help. What is your relationship with your advisor like? Is he/she supportive and "builds you up" so to speak? My university has small women's support groups so that female graduate students can talk about issues like this. does your university have something similar?

 

Just know that you aren't alone, I'll give some more feedback that I've gotten from others tommorow.

[MrNate 2.0]

Well, I think you're doing a great job. You've accomplished so much. In the end, it will all work out.

[NoMoreJerks]

Wow, thanks for all the replies, people. They were all very helpful and reassuring. It is good to know that I am not the only one. I mean, I know i am not the only one out there who is experiencing this, but sometimes it's easy to forget, and it's good to hear first-hand accounts of others dealing with this, either at work or at school. One of the things that really sets back my efforts at convincing myself that I am not good enough, are people in my department who appear to be so confident, who almost rub their progress/work in other people's faces. This guy who is in my cohort, was telling me yesterday that he has written 10 pages for his own dissertation project, and that it has almost been approved.. It made me feel like crap. Made me feel so useless. Made me feel even worse than I've felt so far. It kinda motivated me to get started, at first, but when I tried and failed, I just had a major panic attack / started crying, etc. I am not doing well at all. This is a major episode of impostor syndrome that I'm going through --I've had this before, on and off, but nothing as severe.

 

ana0pera, lol! we do sound like twins! Except that I am not a biologist. I wish I were, though. I really don't like my field anymore (I'm in the social sciences). I am wondering if you have ever felt that way? I keep wondering if it is because of impostor syndrome, or something else? I used to be in computer science in undergraduate, and I wish I had stuck to that, instead of changing direction entirely. I regret it deeply. When I see others motivated in my field, I wonder if they're faking it -- I wonder how someone can be motivated by this field. It just seems so... fake.. It seems like bullsh*t. It just seems like we are not doing anything of use to begin with, so what is the point of pretending that we're contributing so much to society and the world? I don't know.

[NoMoreJerks]

Ugh. Sorry, I need to vent. I feel horrible right now. Having a meltdown. Incredibly frustrated, I can't come up with a topic for my project, I feel so stupid and good-for-nothing. My head is all over the place. I'm so screwed.

[ana0pera]

Hi NoMoreJerks,

 

So first of all, I had a meltdown last year after my qualification exam and it didn't really end. I am much better now, but I am still hurt from that experience. I made a thread about it a while ago, and I got some good advice from others about how to get through the slump. I am reading some of the books that have been recommended to me by others, including "Getting what you came for" and "the now habit." I am hoping to finish "the now habit" sometime this week.

 

In my venting, it comes off more that I hate graduate school, I am not sure if I want to pursue academia anymore, etc etc. But it all comes down to imposter syndrome, as well. It is very common in women, but not limited to women. I am also a minority and a first-generation college student so that's three strikes for me. I worry that I am not smart enough and that is why I am struggling. And like you, when I can't hammer out an idea and I go to meet my advisor with nothing, I feel like an idiot. I also made a switch like you did. When I was younger, I was really into art. I've been getting private lessons since I was 7 and I went to an art middle school and high school. Academics were important but most of my day revolved around making art, it was super intense. Up until I turned 18, my life revolved around art, and I was extremely good at it. But when I went to college, I decided that I wanted to pursue academics (something else I was good at and liked), in particular science.

 

These days, when I don't get happiness from science (which is too often, unfortunately) I wonder if it was the right choice. I was never this depressed when I did art and never struggled this much. It came easy to me. I felt appreciated for what I could contribute.

 

Now back on topic, it is oddly reassuring to know that you're not alone. My office mate has horrible imposter syndrome (rather, she is an attention whore so she can at least make it seem like she has horrible imposter syndrome) and I've met graduate students at other universities who've felt like they were not as smart as their peers. Again, it's weird because all of these people are women, save one of my guy friends, who is a minority. I think it is very much a byproduct of our society and the fact that women and minorities have had to fight harder in the workplace, and in some cases these groups still have to fight harder.

 

Having a support group really helps. Check to see if your university has graduate student women's groups or sessions on topics like these. My University is about to have one on Imposter's syndrome, actually, but unfortunately I found out about it too late and sign-up is closed (so it's a very popular issue, as one would imagine)! The session is being lead by this lady, Dr. Valerie Young, and her book might be worth checking out.

 

Are you comfortable talking to your advisor or other members of your committee? Even though my relationship with my advisor has suffered a lot recently, one thing that is good about her is that I can send her a thousand crappy drafts and she will go through each one and help me make it beautiful. If you can, bounce ideas off of your advisor/committee regarding your project topic, or other students in your department. Some Universities have writing departments to help you organize your ideas, and I find our's to be a very useful tool. Heck, if you are comfortable, talk about the impostor syndrome with your advisor.

 

Talking to other students can be very helpful too. I don't know how collaborative the social sciences are, but in the natural sciences we are looked down upon if we do not collaborate. My cohort started a monthly data sharing event where one person presents his/her work for feedback. It is a very comfortable setting to talk about your fears; if possible, I'd recommend doing this with some friends in your department. It sounds like you have some arrogant *********s in your cohort though; ignore them. There will always be one or two (or more) people who have things come easily to them; some of them are nice and humble and others are just douchebags. Don't compare your progress to his. The only thing that's important is if you feel like you're making progress compared to where you were last week, last month, last year, etc. And if not you need to ask yourself why. It's not because you're stupid. It's because you're busy, scared, anxious, etc. Identifying the real problem and working on fixing it is what's going to help. Have you thought about therapy? What is your timeline until your dissertation defense?

 

Another thing to do when you feel a panic attack coming and you can't focus is to stop trying. Take a break. I recently went to a writing workshop and the professor leading it told all of us to take up some sort of creative hobby to keep our minds working in our leisure time, as it would help us with writing. One of my friends plays basketball at odd hours of the night when he can't focus. I remember when I was preparing for Quals and I didn't take breaks, I was so overwhelmed and I wasn't getting anywhere, I finally just took a day off and did stuff for me, it really helped me to stop feeling overwhelmed and I was able to continue working on my paper.

 

Don't let these stressful times get the best of you. You will struggle but you will pull through.

[NoMoreJerks]

Hey ana0opera! Thanks for the long and very helpful post!

 

It IS indeed reassuring to know that others are suffering from it. I know for a fact that one of my female friends also suffers from it, though not to the same extent as I do. At the same time, when we were taking classes together, even though I think I felt like an impostor more than she did, *I* always took an active part in class discussions, appeared more confident, etc. Appearances can, I guess, be deceiving? But then again, back then, I had a very mild case of impostor syndrome, definitely not severe enough to completely paralyze me. I think the comprehensives really killed my self-esteem and drained me. I think I got burnt out. And it was so anti-climactic when I found out I had passed my 4 exams. I was so exhausted that I didn't even jump up and down, celebrate, etc. I just went home and slept, then went to theatre to catch a movie.. I didn't even want to think about it at all. I just wanted to forget. And then, after a month or two (during which I did NOTHING), I started panicking because I had completely forgotten the stuff I had written my exam on... I mean, completely forgotten about them, even the basic stuff, that undergraduate students are taught in first year classes... I still don't remember them. Like, totally blanked out... at this point, an undergraduate student might be able to outsmart me at the stuff that *I* am supposed to teach them.... I had an extremely traumatic/horrible experience during the oral exam for one of my subfields (during which my supervisor was present -- he was one of the committee members). I couldn't answer even the simplest of questions. I just blanked out, said stupid **** that makes me want to bang my head against the wall right now. After I passed the exam, my supervisor wanted to meet up with me to discuss my performance during the exams. He said that he was happy with the written,but wanted to hear from me about what happened on the oral.. He said it was a very poor performance, etc. He pretty much made me feel like I was sh*t. I left his office and started crying immediately after that. It was so hard not to cry in front of him.

 

I have a very formal relationship with my supervisor. And it doesn't help that he's a guy, and he is the type of person who thinks any expression of weakness is, well, to be avoided... So no, I have never talked to him about how I feel like an impostor, etc. I did tell him I was having some personal and health issues (I was having some relationship problems with my ex, my mental health had been in the dumps, and I was having some physical problems at the time) -- that was like, 7 months ago, and I feel like I have run out of excuses to justify my sluggish pace. I also do research for him, and my performance has also suffered on that one as well. I did manage to get a 50 page report done in a week, last week, and it took a huge weight off my shoulder.. But now I have 7 days to produce at least a rough draft of my project, and I have NO idea where to start from. I mean, I know very broadly what subject I want to focus on, but I have not narrowed down my question, etc. And the more I read, the more I despair, because every time I get an idea, I discover that someone has already done it. Well, f*ck me.

 

So yeah. Anyway, a week after I had that traumatic talk with my supervisor about my performance during the comprehensive exam, I was taking part in a workshop that he had organized -- he had invited top-notch scholars in my field (world-renowned), and during the Q&A session, I made a number of good comments/suggestions about one of the talks. And everyone was impressed. One female prof (who collaborates with my supervisor and knows me well, had invited me to her house for dinner, etc.) came up to me afterwards and said that she was impressed to hear me talk and give that feedback.. I was over the clouds when she told me that. It did so much good to my self-esteem. It felt like that was my "revenge" from my supervisor for the negative comments he made about my performance on the comps, and for constantly telling me that I don't participate enough, that I'm too shy, etc. Well, here I was, sitting at the same table with a bunch of big-shots, and critiquing their own work / pointing out gaps, etc. I just wish, though ,that my supervisor could at least point out good things in addition to negative ones... I don't mind critique, as long as I also get some positive remarks as well. And I want constructive feedback, not a cruel beating.... that almost qualifies as emotional/verbal abuse.

 

I don't want to change my supervisor because he is a tough one but is a great one and I know that I will be in a good place thanks to him. I need to toughen up, I guess. But I just can't seem to pull out of it at the moment. There's no light at the end of the tunnel right now. He kept pushing me since last May, to produce a proposal draft. I kept coming up with excuses, because I couldn't work on it and wasn't in a fit state of mind to do any work. I did come up with a very loosely-defined topic, which he liked, and we talked about it very briefly. We had a few meetings about it, and I kept going back to him asking him questions and asking for suggestions, but he told me he'd need to see a draft to be able to offer any comments... so at that point, I just felt like I was on my own. It's scary. It's like, what if my topic is not good enough? What if I don't have a topic anymore? What if I can't find a topic?

 

Unfortunately, there are no support groups at my university -- not for graduate students at any rate, and definitely not for stuff like this. There are therapists on campus, and I've been considering seeing one for some time now, but I never went, because I thought I could/should deal with problems (both related to schoolwork as well as personal/relationship stuff) on my own. I just feel like it's such a big time investment to go in to see a therapist at this point, and I usually feel like they are never genuinely interested in helping out. I've been to therapists before, and I never felt like I "connected" or "clicked" with them. It felt too business-like, unlike what it's like when a friend is listening to you... but I guess I can't bother my friends with my problems all the time.. the alternative is to keep things to myself / bottled up, but that hasn't been working out too well so far. I had the same problem, though, when I was doing my MA, though not my MA proposal -- the actual dissertation. It took me over a year to get started writing, but when I did start, it took me 1 month to write 300 pages..... I just rushed through it like crazy. I think I wrote over 30 pages in one day. I went crazy productive by just locking myself in my room, and not caring what was going on in the rest of the house , for the entire day.... And when my "juices" started flowing, it felt GREAT. I know that once I start writing, I will be fine. I just can't get that initial ball rolling. I'm paralyzed.

 

The other problem is that I am really a very picky person as far as working space is concerned. I have an office at school, but I share it with 2 other people, and it abuts other PhD studens' offices, and they are really noisy / chit-chat non-stop, and I can't get any work done there. I only use that office to store some of my books, and to drop off my stuff when I am on campus. I have a fairly neat workspace/desk at home, but I live in a studio apartment which is tiny, and it can get a bit "suffocating" to stay there for a long time -- at least if it were a proper apartment with multiple bedrooms, I could walk around, go watch TV for a bit, go out onto the balcony for a break, etc. I don't have a balcony. It just feels like a little dungeon, to be honest. Hardly inspiring for any work. When I was doing my MA, I lived in a multi-bedroom apartment, and had a nice balcony with a great view, and I was doing my work over the summer, which meant I could just carry all my books and sit on the balcony , with a glass of lemonade or whatever, and work -- type , type, type. Take a break to eat, come back to it, with some coffee, etc. It was NICE. I wish I could work like that now. I don't even know how I did it. How I managed to sort out all that stuff that I had read , into a coherent whole. It seems... impossible now. I couldn't write something of that quality now..

 

I'm also a bit ADHD (though never diagnosed). I really find it difficult to sit down and concentrate. I end up carrying a book with me the whole day, and never getting down to reading it at all. Or sitting down to read it, and re-reading the same line for hours, without even realizing it....

[NoMoreJerks]

Oh -- and I should add, my supervisor is currently on sabbatical and is in the U.S, so we only communciate via email. I can't just run to him with some idea or whatever, any time that I want to. I could do that by email, I guess, but it's less.... conducive to useful / lengthy discussions... A yes/no question, sure..

 

Also, in my field, we do 2 written and 2 oral exams, 1 in each of the 2 subfields we specialize in. The written exam is closed-book, 4 hrs long,where we have to write essays on 3 out of 6 questions...... and on the oral, we get asked ANYTHING about the field...

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have felt as an impostor nearly all the time at work. When I am doing presentations, I always feel like I am one question away from a disaster.

 

When I teach, I feel like there are lots of students smarter and more capable than me; and I am undeserving of the role.

 

I was lucky enough to have a boss that reassured me when I confided those fears. He actually told me that he felt that way himself a lot. He also gave me ton of positive feedback all the time. Any little thing I did, he praised like I invented electricity...those were my most productive years.

 

Right now, I have a highly critical boss and my fears are returning with a vengeance.

 

From what I understand, most successful people suffer from this syndrome

[Eternal Sunshine]

BTW, completing a PhD is probably one of the most difficult things you will do in life. It will test you on every level.

[ana0pera]

I think the comprehensives really killed my self-esteem and drained me. I think I got burnt out. And it was so anti-climactic when I found out I had passed my 4 exams.

 

This is so true and so common. Everyone stresses out about the Qualification exam and I often hear it's anti-climatic. It was anti-climatic for me. You spend months draining yourself emotionally, physically and intellectually and then it's over like that. And then you're supposed to "know" what you're doing. After I finished mine I hit a roadblock and that happened to my friends too. Our's was not nearly as crazy as your's, it was two parts: a written proposal on our dissertation work and then an oral defense of the written work. At the end of our's we had a timeline for what we were going to do and when, basically a roadmap. But that is so debilitating and overwhelming, to have your whole project broken up in deadlines like that.

 

So yeah. Anyway, a week after I had that traumatic talk with my supervisor about my performance during the comprehensive exam, I was taking part in a workshop that he had organized -- he had invited top-notch scholars in my field (world-renowned), and during the Q&A session, I made a number of good comments/suggestions about one of the talks. And everyone was impressed. One female prof (who collaborates with my supervisor and knows me well, had invited me to her house for dinner, etc.) came up to me afterwards and said that she was impressed to hear me talk and give that feedback.. I was over the clouds when she told me that. It did so much good to my self-esteem. It felt like that was my "revenge" from my supervisor for the negative comments he made about my performance on the comps, and for constantly telling me that I don't participate enough, that I'm too shy, etc. Well, here I was, sitting at the same table with a bunch of big-shots, and critiquing their own work / pointing out gaps, etc. I just wish, though ,that my supervisor could at least point out good things in addition to negative ones... I don't mind critique, as long as I also get some positive remarks as well. And I want constructive feedback, not a cruel beating.... that almost qualifies as emotional/verbal abuse.

 

hold on to all of those moments of praise from others, so that when you feel like an impostor, or just overwhelmed, you can recall that others believe in you. surround yourself by those positive people. remember that, Dr. X from X University thinks you are perceptive. It is a wonderful confidence boost.

 

It sucks that your advisor doesn't provide positive support. One of my best friends has an advisor like that. I have no respect for him based on the way he treats her. She is very studious and he is definitely verbally/emotionally abusive. I don't know what the politics are like in your department, so maybe this isn't the way to go about it, but she went to the department chair (who is on her committee) and told him about their communication issues and his seeming lack of support. He mediated a meeting between them, and it did help a bit but her advisor is still kind of an a$$ to her. I think you should also get more feedback from other people on your committee who you do feel comfortable talking to/who offer some positive remarks in addition to negative feedback. This might be especially good for you if your advisor is on sabbatical and you don't get to see/talk to him as frequently.

 

 

Hang in there. You did a Master's and you can do a PhD. It's probably hard for you to think straight like you were able to then because you are so stressed out. But you will get through this, and you'll be stronger in the end

[Arnissa_N]

Hi nmj,

I hear that many students go through a panic phase when they are in the middle or towards the end of their PhD prog. Let me share a couple of things that I normally do.

 

1. Writing a thesis is not mechanical. There will be moments when your mind goes totally blank, then there will be moments when you are brilliant. Accept it, and jot down the brilliant points that come to your mind anytime...

2. When you are just not able to work, divert yourself by watching a movie, reading a novel etc. Its normal to have days when we dont do any work at all.

3. Read a couple of good books on the topic you are working. It will definitely help you look at or counter new theories/models.

4. Its humanly not possible for anyone to pay 100% attention to a 45 mins. lecture. Its normal. Even if you've paid some 15 mins attention, its okay. Why stress?

5. Never ever compete/compare with colleagues. I've realised many play psychological games just to spite you out of jealousy. Even if they werent, work at your own pace.

6. Your supervisor not giving you words of appreciation when its due sucks. But look at what he's saying positively, jot down suggestions, think whether it makes sense, if you can incorporate fine, if not its your thesis. If he just talks without giving any suggestions then it means you are doing fine!

 

Just chill girl, relax, don't stress, and work at your own pace.

[NoMoreJerks]

^ I am incredibly competitive, though not in a negative/bad way. I look at others and want to be just as good as they are, if not better. I really want to be one of the best PhD candidates in my department, and have wanted that from the start. At first, I thought I had it in me to do this, and was rather confident. But then, it started going downhill. Ironically, the guy I referred to (in my cohort), didn't give a sh*t at first, didn't do much work, didn't really care much about the PhD , and all of a sudden, I think he got jealous of me -- I noticed a change in his behavior towards me since the times that we were studying for the comps. He started hanging out with folks from another university in my city (which has a better reputation), would say things about how my supervisor offered him the job that he had offered me -- to organize a conference, etc. It felt like he was rubbing it in / trying to eat into the funding I was getting from my supervisor. Then, he just disappeared from my supervisor's scene -- but now he is acting like he's a genius and like he's so excited about his dissertation proposal and comes to school / his office every day, and goes around and talks to all the profs every day -- acting like their equal, etc. It inevitably gets to my nerves. I was pissed off at him at some point, so I did the same thing : rubbed in the fact that I was offerd to teach a course. He then got all jealous and started asking me how I had gotten an offer without having finished my proposal... It was clear from that interaction that he was being very competitive and in a very mean/jealous sort of way. I once was complaining about some students and how I sometimes hated teaching and got nervous during presentations, and he made a snide remark, asking me why I was doing a PhD in that case, if I didn't like teaching that much. I told him that was none of his business and that one could do more things with a PhD than teach. And this is a guy who came into the program saying that he was doing a PhD but didn't want to be a professor, was just doing it to get into the UN or other orgs.. This guy has really poisoned the atmosphere a lot lately in the department. And I think part of it is that he is a womanizer/player, and I think he has managed to bed all the women in the department (or at least get them to flirt with him) except for me. Anyway, this is the same guy who told me he has written 10 pages so far, and that he's close to getting his project approved. The thing is, he always did all assignments/papers last-minute (the night before it was due) and even now, I see him on the computer, but he's either chatting away or whatever. I don't get it -- how do people do things so fast, and while doing other things? It takes me forever to concentrate, and forever to write something of decent quality. I wonder if he has mastered the art of bullsh*tting and if part of the trick in doing a PhD is to master that art ? I do think that you're right when you say "I've realised many play psychological games just to spite you out of jealousy" and I think this guy is doing exactly that.

 

The thing that convinces me that this guy is all about mindf*ckery, is that we were taking a course together, taught by my supervisor. He was insanely competitive in this course, I think because he wanted to outperform me in what he considered my own "turf." We had 2 presentations in the class, and he told me after his first presentation that he had gotten an A+. I had gotten a B+ and my supervisor was unhappy with my presentation and told me I had better up my game during the next presentation. I aced the next one, and got an A. My prof told me it would've been an A+ if not for a small thing I could've/should've talked about at some length. At any rate, I ended up getting an A in the course (they don't really give out A+ in social science courses usually anyway), and this guy got an A- (I could see PhD students' grade distribution on the student portal and the two of us were the only PhD students in the class). Anyway, whatever he had gotten on that presentation, could not have been an A+, or if he had gotten an A+, he must've f*cked up bad on the final term paper. Certainly, his attitude in the course (him being better than me) was not reflected in the grade. Actually, now that I think about it, that's when his mindf*ckery truly started, while we were taking that course together, the semester before our comprehensive exams.

Edited January 27, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[RachR]

Wow, I'm glad I saw this thread, because I can relate! I go through this all the time. It's really draining.

 

And this:

 

For example, if I go to some sort of a talk, I find it hard to concentrate and to understand what the presenter is arguing, and to be critical of what is being presented.

 

 

I'm glad to see that this happens to someone else. This happens to me at work, in which I have to sometimes attend meetings and then pick apart what was discussed afterwards. It was confusing me, because I know I'm not stupid and it should NOT be that difficult for me to do. I figured it must be some sort of psychological stressing that was causing this problem, causing some sort of mental hurdles to overcome that normally wouldn't be there.

[Arnissa_N]

only PhD students in the class

 

This is the reason why he's playing you, obviously he's threatened and jealous of your competence, and wants to show the profs how much better he is. I'm sure you are strong enough not to fall for him and his games.

 

You seem to be doing well, and know your own strengths. So concentrate on those, and again do them at your own pace so you enjoy whatever you are doing.

 

There are many options for a doctorate. Teaching is just one of them. I'm sure you already know what you want to do in your life after this. So give him back whenever he tries to put you down about your disinterest in teaching.

 

How important is this guy in your life? I mean if you are asked to take 3 names of people who matter to you, will he make it? No. In fact I have a feeling he wont be in a list of 50 important people in your life! If that is the case, then why even think of him and what he's doing? He's such a peripheral part of your life, you should not allow yourself to be stressed out even for 5 mins over his antics.

[NoMoreJerks]

Wow, I'm glad I saw this thread, because I can relate! I go through this all the time. It's really draining.

 

And this:

 

 

 

I'm glad to see that this happens to someone else. This happens to me at work, in which I have to sometimes attend meetings and then pick apart what was discussed afterwards. It was confusing me, because I know I'm not stupid and it should NOT be that difficult for me to do. I figured it must be some sort of psychological stressing that was causing this problem, causing some sort of mental hurdles to overcome that normally wouldn't be there.

It's a self-fulfilling prophecy and a viscious circle. You feel stupid, so you get stressed and think you don't have what it takes to understand and think critically about the presentation/talk. As a result, you CAN'T think critically about it, and when you can't, you feel even stupider, and on and on it goes. I have realized that the more confident I am, the better I can think... But I *am* a fighter, and I do fight back against low self-esteem. I want to prove wrong those who accuse me of not being good enough, smart enough, etc. If someone remotely implies that, I will set out to show them that they are wrong. That's pretty much what motivated me to speak out during that conference organized by my supervisor: i wanted to show that I was capable of discussing something that was not even my area of expertise with top-notch professors in the field. it worked, and my supervisor was highly impressed.

[NoMoreJerks]

I also cycle rapidly between extremely high levels of motivation and "I can do this!" feelings, and the depths of despair / "I can't do ****, can't even write one line". I usually wake up with the latter, then , half an hour later, feel the former, then cycle rapidly to the latter, and on and on it goes, throughout the day. Each cycle lasting about half an hour. Unfortunately, the motivation period of the cycle is usually not long enough for me to get anything written.

[NoMoreJerks]

How important is this guy in your life? I mean if you are asked to take 3 names of people who matter to you, will he make it? No. In fact I have a feeling he wont be in a list of 50 important people in your life! If that is the case, then why even think of him and what he's doing? He's such a peripheral part of your life, you should not allow yourself to be stressed out even for 5 mins over his antics.

Not important at all as a friend or anything like that -- but he IS a competitor, inevitably. I hate looking at it this way, but with funding so scarce in my field of study (both internal university and research assistantship funding, as well as external grants) , it's a dog-eat-dog world. I would've loved if things were more on a collaborative basis rather than a competitive one, but that's the harsh reality that I have to live with. And so, yes, of course, I want to be better than him, get more research money, go to better conferences, have more publications, and be viewed as more promising by faculty members in the department, than he is. He is playing it the "networking / bullsh*tting his way through it" way, for the most part -- he is quite the charmer / attention whore, so it's just the way he rolls. Unlike me. I am the more quiet, introverted type that focuses on actual output than on bullsh*tting and appearances. Also, I am more about quality than quantity. He has been to a bunch of third-tier conferences, and I got accepted to an international conference, one of two major conferences in my field. When he found out that I had been accepted to that, he claimed he had not applied for it. I do not buy that. That's BS. You don't not apply to that conference, if you are doing a PhD in my field, and have passed your comprehensives already..... My guess is that he applied but did not get in. I know for a fact that another colleague (a PhD student in his 5th year) also did not get in, but at least that guy admitted that he had applied. And you know, that got him down and I felt bad about saying that I had gotten in , in front of him. It felt like I was gloating, when I wasn't. I don't enjoy gloating about my achievements in front of people who have no problem admitting their failures. I do enjoy rubbing it in when the person is acting like a total douche, though.

Edited January 28, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[NoMoreJerks]

OK. I have started writing... I mean, at least I created a new document, put some headings and sub-headings, and now trying to get started on the introduction.. sigh. I just hope this isn't as far as I will go today.. I hope I can at least get 1-2 single-spaced pages written today. It HAS to happen otherwise I am screwed. Wish me luck. I am staying away from the forum today, for that reason. Gotta go pick up some books from the library, order a transcript, and grab some food, and then putting on some classical music and working. :/

[NoMoreJerks]

Brain = fried. Trying to write this thing is probably the hardest thing I have done in my life ...