Impostor Syndrome

[ana0pera]

You'll get through it, it's hard now but once you're done you're going to feel SO SO accomplished. I read your posts about the gloater in your department and it's obvious to me that he feels threatened by you. You are doing everything right and you've made significant progress even if it doesn't seem like you have done anything substantial. Don't let him or anyone else for that matter get you down.

 

Take some breaks while writing, it really helps. another thing that you could try when you're stuck is free writing and looping. set a timer and JUST write for that amount of time. Have a prompt in mind and just type/write about that subject and if your mind starts to trail it doesn't matter just write about what you're mind is trailing off to. Don't self correct. Just write. Then when your timer goes off read what you wrote and circle anything that is for keeps, and use that to start your net free writing session (this is the looping part) or start writing the real deal. I recently started doing this and it helps a bit. Also having a reward system in place, like after you've written for an hour you get to go out for coffee, etc. Gives you something to look forward to.

 

Yesterday I had a really bad day, I didn't get as much done for my meeting with my advisor as I should've and she felt like the analyses I did were wrong and I felt like crap afterwards. I wanted to cry. But I told myself that she isn't God, I am not God, and no one is God. I didn't agree with all of her criticism but I went about finishing what I had started and emailed her my progress later. She was really impressed with the analyses I did and after i also did them the way she suggested she realized that I was right the first time. It made me feel good, not bceause I was right/she was wrong and she acknowledged it (although that felt good too) but I made progress in a very short amount of time, partly because I was angry. Usually when I leave a meeting wanting to cry I just go home and sleep/watch tv/do nothing. But this time I fought my demons, so to speak, and did something productive.

[NoMoreJerks]

I have mixed feelings about my project, right now. I told my supervisor back in May 2012, about what I was thinking of doing.. In November , he sent me a manuscript of a book he was writing, and asked me to edit the footnotes. I didn't really read the manuscript back then, since I was just editing the footnotes. I went back to it yesterday, and to my shock and horror, it was VERY similar to what I had in mind for my PhD dissertation....

 

I am just hoping that he did not steal the idea from me. I mean, what are the odds? I had NO idea that he was writing something about that, so if anyone has stolen anything, it's him that has stolen the idea from me...

 

What are the odds that I just happened to find the same gap in the literature that he had found? I mean, I don't know.... of all the things he could be writing about, it so happened that he was writing about the topic I came up with? I donno... I am suspicious since he was working on some other project related to the broader topic, but not this aspect of it, so it makes little sense that he'd write a second book on a related topic, both about 2 months apart from each other....

 

On the other hand, if I did manage to find a gap that he had found BEFORE me, then I guess it's reassuring that I am not that stupid... Still, I am kinda bummed out about this.... I have no evidence that I came up with the topic first, since it was all verbal and behind closed doors, so I can't even accuse him of plagiarism (not sure if plagiarism even applies for unwritten work / ideas in one's head).. Lesson learnt: do not share your ideas even with your supervisor? I mean, he is a good researcher, so I have a hard time believing that he'd steal ideas from his PhD student, but guess everything is possible....

[NoMoreJerks]

I finally started writing today.... I wrote part of my introduction... so far, 1 single-spaced page.. I think I made fairly good progress, not just in terms of writing, but also in terms of brainstorming and knowing (sorta) where I am going with this.... I think I am also getting ideas on case selection... the problem is the tight deadline.. I was supposed to have this in by tomorrow, but my supervisor emailed me and asked me if I was going to hand it in by this week, and I said I need until Monday.. Maybe I should've asked for more time.. but maybe I can pull something off by Monday..

 

The problem is that I also have grading to do..

 

Anyhow, I think that now that I've broken the "writer's block", it should flow fairly smoothly from here on. It's always like this with me. I could stare at the screen for over a month, and not be able to type one word. And once I start writing, it all works out fairly smoothly in a short time (here's hoping this is no exception). My problem is that I need to have everything kinda mapped out / clear in my head, to be able to write, so those tips/tricks about free writing do not work for me. I have tried it. I am a perfectionist, too -- which means that when I DO start writing, I can't move on to the next sentence until I have made sure that the previous sentence makes sense/is written well, etc. Sigh.

 

My competitor told me that he has been handing in his work in progress on his proposal to 2 people on his committee, and they are getting back to him with comments every 1-2 weeks... I am the type that really works on her stuff on her own, and then submits a complete draft... not expecting that it would be approved/would be the final version, but I just can't hand in work that makes no sense and expect people to give me comments on what to do. What makes sense in other people's heads about my project, often does not make sense for me.... I need to work it out myself. I am quite independent-minded that way. I guess that might not be a good thing... but oh well, can't help it.

[MrNate 2.0]

I finally started writing today.... I wrote part of my introduction... so far, 1 single-spaced page.. I think I made fairly good progress, not just in terms of writing, but also in terms of brainstorming and knowing (sorta) where I am going with this.... I think I am also getting ideas on case selection... the problem is the tight deadline.. I was supposed to have this in by tomorrow, but my supervisor emailed me and asked me if I was going to hand it in by this week, and I said I need until Monday.. Maybe I should've asked for more time.. but maybe I can pull something off by Monday..

 

The problem is that I also have grading to do..

 

Anyhow, I think that now that I've broken the "writer's block", it should flow fairly smoothly from here on. It's always like this with me. I could stare at the screen for over a month, and not be able to type one word. And once I start writing, it all works out fairly smoothly in a short time (here's hoping this is no exception). My problem is that I need to have everything kinda mapped out / clear in my head, to be able to write, so those tips/tricks about free writing do not work for me. I have tried it. I am a perfectionist, too -- which means that when I DO start writing, I can't move on to the next sentence until I have made sure that the previous sentence makes sense/is written well, etc. Sigh.

 

My competitor told me that he has been handing in his work in progress on his proposal to 2 people on his committee, and they are getting back to him with comments every 1-2 weeks... I am the type that really works on her stuff on her own, and then submits a complete draft... not expecting that it would be approved/would be the final version, but I just can't hand in work that makes no sense and expect people to give me comments on what to do. What makes sense in other people's heads about my project, often does not make sense for me.... I need to work it out myself. I am quite independent-minded that way. I guess that might not be a good thing... but oh well, can't help it.

 

Just take your time, NMJ.

[superb]

I'm just a manager at a restaurant and I feel that way too. I second guess every aspect of my entire life and feel under constant stress & unproductive in general.

[NoMoreJerks]

2 single-spaced pages, and I pretty much just stated the importance of the aspect of the topic that i am looking at... but i feel like i am being overly repetitive, etc. and not citing enough of the literature, etc.

[NoMoreJerks]

I don't know what the hell I am doing/writing.... I have "written myself into a corner." Yes. this happened. hahaha. I am so screwed.

[Phateless]

Hi everyone,

 

I've been doing my PhD (in my 3rd year), and passed my comprehensive / qualification exams last May. Since then, I've been feeling very mentally exhausted, and feeling like a impostor. I don't know if any of you have heard of this phenomenon (impostor syndrome), but I have heard that it is quite common especially among PhD students, especially when they reach the stage where they have to produce their own project/dissertation.

 

I just feel like I'm not good enough. And I have also noticed an actual (rather than perceived) reduction in my performance. For example, if I go to some sort of a talk, I find it hard to concentrate and to understand what the presenter is arguing, and to be critical of what is being presented.

 

I was wndering if others have gone through this -- either in the context of graduate schoolwork or in the workplace, etc., and how you have overcome this problem?

 

Right now, I feel paralyzed, and can't do any work on my dissertation proposal (it doesn't help that I was dumped a month ago)... I am scared/worried that the work I will show my supervisor (I haven't written anything yet) won't be good enough / will be of laughable quality , will permanently make me seem stupid in my professor's eyes... etc. And I feel completely lost about what I want to write about, can't come up with a topic, etc.

 

Any thoughts?

 

I'm going through something similar right now. I recently landed a promotion at work which I truly deserved, but now I am so exhausted and burned out that my performance is inconsistent.

[nerd]

I've dealt with impostor syndrome my entire professional life. I think it's the opposite of the dunning-kruger effect in some ways.

 

I suspect it's mainly spillover stemming from my romantic failures, or maybe it's just been easier to develop confidence in work because it doesn't matter as much to me.

[NoMoreJerks]

Sadly, the more I work on this proposal, the more I realize it is complete and utter sh*t. This sucks.

[ana0pera]

how are you doing NoMoreJerks? Still struggling with the proposal? Have you talked about your ideas with anyone, or is there no one you can trust in your dept. to not steal ideas? Sometimes talking about it with others helps but only if they're not overly competitive types that will steal your ideas.

[NoMoreJerks]

I have written about 12 pages single spaced... but kinda still unsure what I'm doing... i'm just making up as I go... This was due like yesterday.... but I am not even halfway done yet. Oh well, just gotta finish up my ideas, write the methodology and case selection section, and send it off -- it's just a first draft I guess.

 

My competitor has been keeping tabs on me. He keeps mssging me every day, asking me about my progress. I do not feel inclined to tell him that I have written 25 pages though... I just told him I am kinda stuck (which is not even a lie).

 

My supervisor being away doesn't help at all... if he were here, I'd be meeting up with him every week, etc.

 

My competitor has apparently been showing versions of his drafts every 2-3 days to his supervisor and one other professor whom he wants to be on the committee. I don't get it. It's not supposed to work that way (usually). The supervisor is usually the one who looks at the drafts, until he approves them, then it goes to the other readers. This guy is just circumventing all the rules, etc. Anyway, the 2nd professor apparently looked at multiple drafts of his, gave him feedback, etc. But told him that she can't keep on doing that. Today he told me that his supervisor and that other professor have called him in to a meeting tomorrow and he is supposed to present his ideas to them at that meeting. I have no idea what this is supposed to signify. His supervisor apparently told him that this is the time to "shine" in front of that 2nd professor. I don't know what these people are up to, or if they are really serious about all this. His supervisor is a really happy-go-lucky type of guy who's all about just getting stuff done regardless of the quality of the work.

[NoMoreJerks]

I have been incredibly sick these past couple of days, which hasn't helped... Just feeling incredibly nauseous most of the time, for no good reason... Including right now.

[stevie_23]

Ugh, poor thing. I hate nausea. I fear throwing up so I HATE nausea.

 

I myself have always had Imposter Syndrome. I think almost everyone has to an extent. I know I’ve read of celebrities (actors) saying how they’re always just waiting to be found out that they can’t actually act at all.

 

I don’t know why it comes about or how and when it starts, but some thoughts are that if you’re doing a job that you consider enjoyable and fairly well paid, not too difficult, etc, you may feel you don’t deserve it. Like it’s too good to last, or something. The higher the stakes, the more insecure you feel perhaps.

 

Or maybe if you’re an under-achiever (such as myself), you perform well but don’t put much effort in and so you wonder how you managed to get to where you are now…and if you don’t really know, or you assign the success to factors independent of your own skills and abilities, you will feel more insecure about your ability to maintain whatever you’re doing since you feel it’s not based on anything.

 

Conversely, if you’re an over-achiever, you may put too much pressure on yourself to be “perfect” and NOTHING will ever be sufficient for you to feel not like an imposter. Like you deserve whatever it is you’re doing with your life.

 

In all my jobs I’ve felt like I suck, even though logically I know I don’t. This is probably because I’ve never had an actual career as such. I just type (secretarial / administration work) and so I’m not using any of the talents or skills I have that I have some sort of confidence in. Maybe if I was in a job that utilised those skills, I may feel less imposter-ish. But who knows.

[NoMoreJerks]

how are you doing NoMoreJerks? Still struggling with the proposal? Have you talked about your ideas with anyone, or is there no one you can trust in your dept. to not steal ideas? Sometimes talking about it with others helps but only if they're not overly competitive types that will steal your ideas.

And to answer your question about whether or not I have someone else to talk to and bounce ideas off of -- unfortunately not. I do not trust anyone to that extent. I mean, at this point, it's safe to talk about it with first-year PhDs since by the time they get to the stage of the proposal, I would have written it already, but you never know -- the last thing I'd want is for someone to steal my ideas, write a paper and send it off to a conference, or something. Plus, they might share my idea with my competitor(s). I mean, not that my idea is super-awesome, but still, I spent a lot of time trying to find something that hasn't been done...

 

I just wish people in my department were less competitive and less cocky/super-confident. I guess it would be nice to have someone to share my frustrations about the PhD / proposal , etc., with.. unfortunately , people in my cohort are too cocky to admit that they don't enjoy the whole experience (even my supervisor admits it was very difficult, stressful and not very enjoyable overall, when he was doing his PhD).

[ana0pera]

that really sucks, that your department is so competitive and non-collaborative. I don't know what I would do if my department was like that, and fortunately my field is also really collaborative. I'm really sorry you don't have that type of support system, I think that is really what makes some PhD programs bearable. I completely understand your frustrations and uncertainty if there's no one trustworthy around to offer feedback, the way you described your advisor previously would make me weary to share with him, even if he was available.

 

 

Anyone who says the PhD is easy is a liar. They are afraid of losing their cool and looking inadequate. Some people have personalities that are more conducive to admitting to failure, regardless of their current position.

 

There is a professor in my discipline who is world-renowned, you mention my study organism and the first thing people ask is if you know him. He's written the textbook on this system. When I first met him, he told me how his first PhD project was a bust and he didn't think he was cut out for academia because he was surrounded by a lot of cocky people. Now he is an endowed professor and curator at one of the best universities in the world.

 

Because my department is pretty open, I know that some of the students who are doing extremely well have struggled a bit. Not necessarily enough to want to quit, but they've been open about their shortcomings and the fact that they don't know everything about science. I wish more people were like that, not enough students and PhDs are, and it trickles down to undergrads. At my undergraduate institution we called it "effortless perfection" where people would talk about how much they had to do while putting on an heir of being in complete control. Rarely were these people in control. It's how they dealt with their imposter syndrome.

I firmly believe that behind every PhD there is some doubt and if there isn't, you're not doing it right.

[NoMoreJerks]

I think I should be fine.. I am going to finalize this and send it off before Monday. I need a break..I could use a break. Plus, I need to get working on other stuff like my conference paper for April, and some research work for my supervisor...

 

My competitor is still keeping tabs on me... saw me today, and didn't even say hi.... then mssged me online a while ago, asking me how things were... I said "good ". He can go ahead and try to figure out what the hell that is supposed to mean. He told me that he was going to start AND finish writing a formal draft of his proposal this weekend. What the hell? In 2-3 days? Really? I see that he really takes his work seriously... Even if he has the ideas down.. it still takes a whole lot more than just putting down your own ideas... gotta use a lot of the literature/literature review and cover your arse from every angle...

[NoMoreJerks]

Well, I am stuck.... halfway through my proposal.. and about 11 days late.

[Kaza]

When I go to a talk that I didn't understand at all and got nothing out of it, I think: BAD TALK!

 

It's definitely common. In fact, the more people you talk to (not the ones who rather show off and look cool), the more you'll realise its common. Just try to remember the good times where you worked something out or understood something difficult. Maybe even pretend to be confident, fake it till you believe you're good.