loredo21 Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 I changed my mind. (which I'm allowed to do) i don't know what it is, maybe I am thinking with a clear mind now. Maybe I have finally taken off the rose-colored glasses. After thinking about it for a while and some verrrry mild investigating, I have come to the realization that MOM was a liar. Pathologically maybe. I wanted so bad to believe that everything he ever told me was the truth. ...He did seem to have some outrageous kind of lifestyle that apparently only he was aware of. I think he was a lonely, insecure little "man" who was looking to get his ego boosted. and to get laid. I DO believe he cared about me. Maybe still does. I am awesome after all But I don't think I care as much anymore. I think I may be on the road to being over this finally. (just hope he doesn't try to break NC and throw me into a tailspin)... I guess what I am saying is ladies, if you think your AP was always truthful with you you should take a step back and realllly think about it. Did he embellish a lot of stories? Did he wife-bash? Did he promise you the moon and stars and then take it all back at dday? If so, you may just have a pathological liar on your hands. I feel stupid that I even tried to defend him. And am glad I have finally pulled my head out of my ass. Only took 6 months. GL everyone! 7 Link to post Share on other sites
egalew Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 You post the sentiments of many of the folks here. I thought my OM was incredible. A "good guy" simply beaten down by his meany, screaming, domineering wife who refused sex to her husband who was sooooo lovable and sweet. I, too, now realize that he played me to get the attention he so desperately craved. He played his wife 14 years ago and used her to get him out of a bad situation. Looking back, I am not sure of what he told me is real and what is not. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author loredo21 Posted January 24, 2013 Author Share Posted January 24, 2013 i know it's only been a day since i was just defending him. this is why my mind is such a damn mess. but i think i've gotten a new handle on the situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Turtles Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 Like that, stay strong now that you know him for the liar that he is! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author loredo21 Posted January 24, 2013 Author Share Posted January 24, 2013 He may well be. Many are pathological liars. As are many cheating women too. I don't want to be seen to defend any of them. But as an observation I don't think pathological describes all the liars. Some just say what the other person wants to hear, they think theyre being nice and they get rewarded with mutual ego stroking. Immature but not pathological. They don't really mean it and you can tell that because they renounce it pretty easily he. They are going to lose something else, their M for example. You don't back off those declarations if you meant them seriously as opposed to "it was a nice thing to say at the time". There's thinking it in the moment and there's actually meaning it, different IMHO. There's also changing your mind about someone. You say those things and then you realize you don't like them and you regret saying them and definitely don't mean them. Does it really matter then if you meant them in the moment when you thought they were good? I'm glad you're moving on loredo. I feel so bad for your husband though. It sounds like he's playing so nice about it and hiding how much he must hurt. I understand that. He is hurting. obviously. who wouldn't be. BUT he is not playing nice. he is genuinely just THAT nice of a guy. we call him Tigger because he is literally happy 24/7 and bounces about his day like sunshine and rainbows. there are issues that I know have plagued him inside. like the A. BUT he is very religious and very resilient. he doesn't have to hide how much he hurts because everything is out in the open. we have an open line of communication better than any couple i've known. we are still best friends and are together every day and he knows he can tell me how he is feeling. we talk openly about the A. it will come up in conversation now like it is completely natural. if we see something on TV for instance about an affair, he doesn't get sad or angry. he will ask me "is that what it was like" and I will answer truthfully. i don't know if that would work for a lot of people but it works for us. and we ARE happy. we've said it to eachother a million times, we can't imagine ever going through this with anyone else. crappy as the situation may be and as much as he DID NOT deserve what i did, he has forgiven me and our relationship is a miracle after what happened. we don't have to pretend we're in love. we know where we stand. we know we don't want to just settle and above all else we just want eachother to be happy. there is no bitterness or hate or maliciousness in our household at all. not a drop. I know many Psychiatrists may say he's probably "holding it in" or that it will "all come to a head later after it builds up" but I don't believe that to be true with him. he is one of a kind. i believe he has released it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Catplates Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 It takes a while for the mind to sift back through some of the little things xMM said about his W. It was oblique kind of reasoning that seemed to justify why he felt he had the right to cheat. He also said some very nice things about her. I think he was a man who felt quite insignificant in himself. A liar definitely. It took me 3 and a half years to understand that he was probably lying to me as well. Once the doubts set in, I never flet ths ame about him again. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author loredo21 Posted January 24, 2013 Author Share Posted January 24, 2013 It takes a while for the mind to sift back through some of the little things xMM said about his W. It was oblique kind of reasoning that seemed to justify why he felt he had the right to cheat. He also said some very nice things about her. I think he was a man who felt quite insignificant in himself. A liar definitely. It took me 3 and a half years to understand that he was probably lying to me as well. Once the doubts set in, I never flet ths ame about him again. I sure hope that to be true in my case. I don't ever want to have those kinds of feelings for him again. It is so hard to comprehend and wrap your head around the whole relationship being a lie. But I guess that comes with A territory. WTF was I thinking? oh that's right, i wasn't. SMH. Link to post Share on other sites
neveragain34 Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 Good for you! Stay strong! He may pull you back in, but this recent reality hit is a huge step towards being able to resist for longer and longer periods of NC, until one day you realize you are finally over him for good. Mine sucked me back in a couple of times, even after my epiphanies, but I truly believe I am finally at a point where I can resist if he ever comes around again (which I doubt he will; he wants me dead, but that's another story! lol) Just keep reading these posts over and over again to remind yourself that they do not change and you are not the exception to the rule! Yes, they may have truly cared for us, but not in a way that we deserved. Someone who truly loved us, would not have put their selfish needs first and put us in this situation to begin with. May I ask what you discovered through your "mild investigating"? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author loredo21 Posted January 25, 2013 Author Share Posted January 25, 2013 Good for you! Stay strong! He may pull you back in, but this recent reality hit is a huge step towards being able to resist for longer and longer periods of NC, until one day you realize you are finally over him for good. Mine sucked me back in a couple of times, even after my epiphanies, but I truly believe I am finally at a point where I can resist if he ever comes around again (which I doubt he will; he wants me dead, but that's another story! lol) Just keep reading these posts over and over again to remind yourself that they do not change and you are not the exception to the rule! Yes, they may have truly cared for us, but not in a way that we deserved. Someone who truly loved us, would not have put their selfish needs first and put us in this situation to begin with. May I ask what you discovered through your "mild investigating"? We have many connection to the same people over the past 10 years. (we even met briefly 10 years ago ourselves but it was nothing) we figured out we had many encounters in our "past lives". Somehow as this world gets smaller and smaller he ended up being my boss. It took a couple weeks before we put 2+2 together and realized we knew eachother. So anyhoo, he had told me about all these people was best friends with and used to party with. That they went on extravagant trips and lived this rock star lifestyle. Yet he never had any friends around. Never did anything. Was a honebody obsessed with TV. There was a story of a boat that he wanted to take me out on. I never saw evidence that he owned a boat. I kinda feel bad for him, he was only embellishing because he is insecure and thought making up elaborate stories would make him sound special or something. I think he would have been special just being himself.... he told me he used to work at a club I frequent a bit and know the owner of really well. He told me stories about that owner like they were best buddies and he knew everything about him. But that was easily debunked when I asked the club owner if he knew him and he said he'd never heard of him.... He just made himself seem so cool and "popular" but didnt really have a life. No friends. Stayed home every night. He cried to me one night over a friend who commited suicide, and blamed himself. And that he had a stomach issue that could turn into cancer some day...God i hope thise two werent lies because that is just sick. It worked though. All unwanted to do was comfort him. OH and my H just informed me that when he went to confront MOM on dday that MOM told him he had a good wife. When to me he bashed her constantly. And that we were only intimate 2 times....yeah right! In one day maybe! Grrrrrr. So I don't know. If he was lying about stupid little things like that to make himself seem more attractive, he probably lied about the big things too. we did have some of the best times of our lives together. Just sad to think it was all a sham thank you all for the support! Link to post Share on other sites
LetMeGo Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 Hi Loredo, Good for you...Hold on to these feelings and it will make it easier. (just hope he doesn't try to break NC and throw me into a tailspin)... Just remember NC is a one way street (your street), its only you who can break NC...hang tough. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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