Husband's 1st love...Why wont the pain go away???!!!

[SARose61]

In May of 2003, I discovered that my husband had been trying to locate his 1st girlfriend/love on the internet. He had even copied off several addresses & phone numbers he had gotten. I had no idea who this person was, I did not recognize the name. Anyway he insisted it was just a friend from high school. Only curious about where she may have ended up. He swore he had no intentions of actually finding her.

 

I got very depressed after this, I felt totally like someone had burst my bubble. This is my 3rd marriage, his 1st. But before this incident if someone had asked me about how my husband felt about me, I would have said, he thinks I hung the moon. Eventually I found out the whole story about how this person had done him wrong in his senior year. He was so crushed by her using him that he gave up his dreams of going to college. His family moved, but she tried to write to him and his mom threw away several letters. He never found out if she genuinely had changed her mind about not loving him.

 

Fast forward 20 years, now married to me, I innocently told him about a coworker who was going through a divorce because her husband had to try to find his high school sweetheart at classmates.com. Found her and decided it was not fair to stay married to someone he never really loved. Right after that is when my husband looked for his old gf online. I was so obcessed with this problem that I kept looking for her and actually found her, complete with an address and a phone number. She is married, but I actually dialed the number and handed my husband the phone, saying here satisfy your curiosity, and I walked out of the room. They talked for about 15 minutes before she had to get off the phone, he tried to call her again 2 days later and her husband refused to let them talk. I only discovered his 2nd attempt because the number was on our phone bill.

 

So, I feel like I actually made the situation worse. He swears he has no further desire to talk to her. His main goal was to be able to tell her, hey look at me, I actually did ok in life and I did find true love. I want so very badly to believe this, but the memory of what has happened stays with me. I feel like I am not no. 1 and never will measure up to this woman. Many of the feelings I use to feel, that happy butterflies in the tummy kind of feeling when I think about us is no longer there. Is there anyway to erase this???

 

He refuses to go to counseling and gets very defensive always saying I made way too much out of the situation.

 

Will it ever get better?

 

 

Originally posted this on general relationship forum...but realized it was better to post it here...even though he was not completely unfaithful....sorry for the duplicate postings

[Taken_Angel]

Don't know why there are two of these threads but I replied to the other one as well.

 

Ouch

 

I would be upset too, at least he knows she's married and hopefully they both have more self respect than to start up an affair. Look at it this way maybe she told her husband to answer the phone so she wouldn't have to talk to him.

 

I would keep pushing the issue unless you find evidence that he's still trying to contact her. I think if you push it, things will only get worse and you may end up losing him due to insecurities.

 

Maybe your story started his curiousity, yes he shouldn't have attempted to find her at all, especially since he's married and you'll never really know what his intentions were so the best thing to try and do is trust him.

 

 

That is what I said in the other one...

[YellowLioness]

and it included this article that said, "Things wives and husbands should never do." or something like that.

 

The article was all a bout what happened when old exes met up, and how it destroyed the current relationships of those involved.

 

Many said that they left their current partner to get back with the ex because of unresolved "what could have been" feelings.

 

I advise everyone to avoid seeing their exes if they are involved in a serious relationship, especially if there are problems involved with in the relationship.

 

I would say that he needs to get over the feelings for his ex, because it sounds as if he is pining for her.

 

Ask him to be truthful about what his feelings are for her. Tell him that you value his honesty above all else, and tell him you love him, and want to work things out.

 

At least that way you will know where you stand.

[evagretenq]

Lioness = please tell me, who said thse lines?!?!

[Dee Greten]

I am in a really similar situation at the moment, and all I can say is I am really really fed up with all this immaturity on people's behalf, especially men's. For god's sake, how old is he to do something as immature and childish like this? What do they think of when they do this?

 

I really don't understand, but my instinct all along has been to leave my husband and let him feel totally free to pursue his other interests and long lost loves from puberty. I think I am going to resort to that because i am so fed up of trying to repair my damaged confidence, my shattered image of my marriage, and my sex life on top of everything else.

 

I am truly fed up! Sod the lot of them!

[YellowLioness]

Lioness = please tell me, who said thse lines?!?!

 

 

Welll, she's actually a LS member. AND she has an absurd bunny fetish. Other then that, I can't give a name.

[SARose61]

I want to thank you all for your replies. Someone said I should ask him to be honest with me about his feelings for this 1st love. Well I have, time and time again and he always says the same thing. No feelings other than real resentment over the fact that she never realized what she was missing out on and feelings of stupidity that he allowed her to use him for a long time. But then he does mention the letters his mom threw away and that leaves a big question mark in my mind. He says I need to just forget about the whole thing, I'm sorry it is impossible.

 

I am honestly so haunted by the situation that it is scary. I have terrible thoughts, like maybe it would be best if I would just die so he can go look for her without any guilt. She is married to a guy 22 years older than her, he certainly will die before all of us. Then she will come looking for my husband and he will leave me for her and I will be alone in my old age. I think he only stays with me because he knows she is married. He told me she cried when he talked to her on the phone, so certainly she must have feelings for him. I have to suppress my urges to call her myself and ask her so many questions. Like, did you really want a 2nd chance with him, 20 years ago? Are you unhappy in your marriage now? Would you like another chance now? All of this leaves me feeling sick, like there is this huge bottomless pit in my stomach. I cant keep living this way.

 

My husband was 33 years old and he had never had a serious relationship til we met. Told me he had just not met the right person. Now I think, he married me because he felt like his time was running out. He wanted to be married, but it wasn't love. There are so many signs in our marriage that pretty much prove it isn't really love. Sex is mechanical and routine, take it or leave it. There is no affection, no holding hands, etc. We pretty much have a relationship that I could compare to being treated like a best friend, one of the guys. Now I do think my husband truly appreciates our marriage and the lifestyle that it has given us. I think he feels obligated to stay in our marriage out of that appreciation. Despite the trouble all this has caused, I have to say that he is a good person, a good stepdad. Still I long for what is missing in our relationship. For instance, My husband prefers to work nights, I have asked him many times to put in for a shift change so we can have nights together more than just a couple of times a week. 2 thirds of our married life we have not slept together. He always has an excuse, proves to me it really doesn't matter to him. Yesterday we were both sick, with a tummy virus, I wanted so badly to feel pampered, for him to hold me, cater to me a little bit to make me feel better. He spent the whole evening just laying there right next to me, I felt as if I wasn't even there. When issues like this happen, I think to myself, if he was married to her, it would be so different. He'd pamper her, want to be on her same schedule. I swear I am going crazy over this.

 

Well, I better stop rambling. Just wanted to clarify some details. it's great to have a forum to let all this out on.

 

Rose

[evagreten1]

I really feel for you. I know how these things turn you inside out and haunt you.

 

He says forget about her - he didn't, so why are you expected to? Nonsense.

 

I know what you are saying about marrying because he felt it was time - but he HAS to grow up and realize he made his decision based on the circumstances at the time and that's life.

 

Problem is - with or without this woman episode - are you happy with him? Would you stay with him? As you see, this woman has now highlighted some problems you already had before she came on the scene. He is not happy, you are not happy. A happy man doesn't look for ex-es from years and years ago. Thing about men is, they love a spark, a sense of excitement, especially if they feel they are getting older and no longer have the same vitality as when they were younger. He wanted this woman to spark his life for him, give him some answers (which she can't no matter how much she cries and hints they were meant to be hadn't it been for the thrown-away letters, bla-bla).

 

He wants something to grip him and make him feel alive again. An affair will do that, yes, but only short-term. Eventually even the mistress can be turned into housewife if you marry her! There are men who seek affairs constantly to feel alive and wanted. Sounds like your guy isn't like that, it seems he was genuinely depressed with his life and thought it might have been down to something like a 'missed chance', which is nonsense. If we all went down that road 'if this, if that', well, we wouldn't be able to get up in the morning from depression. Life is as it is here and now, and we can't look back.

 

Look forward. I know you love each other. Now it's time you realised that he has doubts and feelings outside of you and you have to deal with them and help him, forgetting about yourself. He will not help you through your own depression over this, men are just no good at that. He hurt you and now you have to baby him out of the mess. It's always the same.

 

What you do then is be clever. Pretend to let it go. Deal with your own feelings in your own way and remember you are strong enough to get through this even alone. It is not your fault, you are not undesirable; it is HIM and HIS OWN problems that are making him so confused and hurtful. Bide you time, be patient, heal yourself, and be strong. You will come out the stronger one from all this because you are the one taking the time for proper introspection, not him. And once you come out stronger, you will naturally decide what YOU want to do with the rest of your life.

 

Hope this made sense, I am sorry it is a little cryptic, but I feel for you so much and want to help.

[SARose61]

I really needed to hear words of encouragement this morning. Have been having a really bad couple of days. Last night I just could not take his indifference towards me anymore, so I hinted at how it was making me feel. He made a couple of feeble attempts to be attentive but I could tell they were forced.

 

You are very right, I need to focus on getting beyond this by paying attention to me. I deny myself so much because I generally go with what I think would make him happy, keep him comfortable. Yet all the while, I feel uncomfortable myself. I was never this way. I use to be such a positive thinking assertive person. It really amazes me just how much this one incident has changed me, and I do not like the person I have become. It may just be the real reason I am so unhappy. You are right, I cant change him,or how he feels. But I can do lots of good by paying attention to myself. I will really try.

 

Thank you so much,

 

Rose