Lack of respect?

[kimberley]

My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years and we were together for 2 years before getting married.

 

Since getting married we have fought a lot, usually over little things like him not pulling his weight around the house. Recently the fights have got a lot worse (I think my hormones are playing up cos I've been getting angry over little things)and a couple of months ago he punched a hole in one of our doors.

 

Obviously, I don't like fighting and I do take responsibility for starting a lot of the fights, I am very highly strung and sometimes small things can set me off. However, my main problem is that my husband has started saying things which really hurt.

 

It started with him calling me a "f**king bitch"...then a few weeks later we were arguing over him doing something around the house and he told me to "get my fat ass down there and do it myself"...then last night I accidentally knocked his phone onto the floor when trying to move it to put down our dinner plates and he called me a "f**king idiot". I lost it last night as after the "fat ass" comment I spoke to him about how much this hurt me and I thought he understood.

 

Last night I told him that I don't feel loved when he says things like that because I don't understand how you could say that to someone you love. I had a massive headache last night (which he was aware of and didn't offer to help with dinner) and the day before I threw up at work and was feeling sick and he didn't seem to even care. He didn't even ask me if I was ok, it was like it didn't matter to him that I was sick.

 

I feel this behaviour shows that he doesn't respect me, or maybe he just doesn't love me anymore? I don't know what to do. I love him and generally our lives together are good, but I can't handle the arguments and name calling anymore.

[Lillyfree]

hello, welcome to LS

 

name calling is never ok. i'm glad that you told him you were hurt by his words and lack of respect... but i can't believe you let it go on for so long...

 

was there a sudden change in his behaviour/temper? is there something happening with his work that could be causing these angry outbursts?

 

usually when things like these start to happen there's a lot more happening in the background...

[Lauriebell82]

I am sorry he is calling you names. My advice is to completely ignore it, remain calm and tell him that you wont let his words affect you. Sounds counterproductive, but chances are he will realize that it isnt as much fun to fight with himself and that he looks like an idiot sitting yelling at you. This is a proven method coming from personal experience.

[Lillyfree]

i disagree that she should ignore it, it's verbal abuse and that's not acceptable.

 

also, those kind of outbursts, especially if he wasn't always like that, could be a symptom of other problems that need to be looked into.

[kimberley]

I can be quite argumentative and he didn't used to argue back, it's only recently that he's started this behaviour. He is very unhappy at work and has been looking for a new job for a few months, so maybe this is making things worse.

 

I feel like everything either of us do these days causes an argument. So, we fight, make up, walk on egg shells for a few weeks then something happens to start another fight. I just don't know how to stop this cycle, talking just isn't working and I feel like things are progressively getting worse (especially with his behaviour).

[Lillyfree]

what's worrying is that you say he's been calling you a 'f*cking bitch' for a while but you haven't actually spoken up until his 'fat ass' comment.

 

you have shown him that name calling is ok. now it's getting worse.

 

when both spouses work, both spouses have equal responsibility with house chores. was this the case before or did you take on all of them from the beginning? did you change your mind once you got married and that was what caused the fights? what does he do while you're cooking/cleaning?

 

was there anything happening at the same time he started being aggressive?

[kimberley]

what's worrying is that you say he's been calling you a 'f*cking bitch' for a while but you haven't actually spoken up until his 'fat ass' comment.

 

you have shown him that name calling is ok. now it's getting worse.

 

when both spouses work, both spouses have equal responsibility with house chores. was this the case before or did you take on all of them from the beginning? did you change your mind once you got married and that was what caused the fights? what does he do while you're cooking/cleaning?

 

was there anything happening at the same time he started being aggressive?

I was going to just ignore it when he called me a "f**king bitch" because he's never said anything like this before and I was hoping it was just a once off...

 

I do most of the housework, however, he has recently been helping out a lot more. The "fat ass" comment was over a specific thing that needed to be done under the house which I couldn't do.

 

I have always cooked, and I generally don't mind, except when I get home late (as he always gets home a couple of hours before me) or when I am not feeling well. I am very picky with my food and prefer to cook as we usually eat separate meals (I am vegetarian and he is a meat eater) so it's easier this way.

 

Our problems really started when we got married, I don't know why this changed anything, as we lived together for 18 months before getting married. And because of this, I have told him (when arguing) that I feel like we shouldn't have gotten married. I even asked him a few weeks ago if he wanted to get a divorce, because I just felt like he didn't want to be with me and I thought that maybe he just didn't want to be the one to end things.

 

When we got married, it was something that I really wanted and he seemed like he was just going along with it to keep me happy. When I asked him once why he married me he even told me it was to keep me happy because it was what I wanted. Now we are planning on trying to get pregnant and I feel it's the same thing again, he avoids the topic and just goes along with whatever I say. I feel decisions like this should be made by both partners.

 

I just don't know how to express all this to him. When we sit down and talk he just shuts down like he's wanting it to just be over so he can go back to watching tv.

[standtall]

Kimberly...sorry to hear about your situation. A couple of things...first, your marriage is in serious trouble an you need to get a handle on it ASAP. Some marriage dude named Gottman came up with the four horseman of the apocalypse about signaling the demise of a marriage...you already have described a major one..contempt. The others are criticism, stonewalling, and defensiveness. Get into couples counseling double time quick, your problems are bigger than the help you can get here.

[Lillyfree]

Kimberly...sorry to hear about your situation. A couple of things...first, your marriage is in serious trouble an you need to get a handle on it ASAP. Some marriage dude named Gottman came up with the four horseman of the apocalypse about signaling the demise of a marriage...you already have described a major one..contempt. The others are criticism, stonewalling, and defensiveness. Get into couples counseling double time quick, your problems are bigger than the help you can get here.

 

i very much agree with counselling, especially since he shuts you out when you attempt to communicate.

 

still, if you need to go somewhere until you organise that or just want to vent, there's always someone here who'll listen.

[Lauriebell82]

i disagree that she should ignore it, it's verbal abuse and that's not acceptable.

 

also, those kind of outbursts, especially if he wasn't always like that, could be a symptom of other problems that need to be looked into.

 

I guess "ignore" was the wrong word. More like remain calm and don't fight back.

 

You are right he may have some other issues though also...my ex boyfriend was never that bad, he would do minor name calling (of course that was symptomatic of other problems he had as well)

[Lauriebell82]

When we got married, it was something that I really wanted and he seemed like he was just going along with it to keep me happy. When I asked him once why he married me he even told me it was to keep me happy because it was what I wanted. Now we are planning on trying to get pregnant and I feel it's the same thing again, he avoids the topic and just goes along with whatever I say. I feel decisions like this should be made by both partners.

 

Marrying you to keep you happy isn't a good reason to get married.

 

Also, hold off on starting a family. You guys need to get your relationship in order before you throw a baby into the mix. 100% agree with counseling.

 

What I said does help though, trying to remain calm and telling him not to talk to you like that. I didn't mean so much as "ignore" the insult, more like try not to feed into it. You getting angry just makes the situation worse.

[Mr. Lucky]

Recently the fights have got a lot worse (I think my hormones are playing up cos I've been getting angry over little things)

I do take responsibility for starting a lot of the fights, I am very highly strung and sometimes small things can set me off.

I don't condone your husband's behavior but you seem to be suggesting that provocation on your part is OK but escalation on his part isn't.

 

If you don't like the outcome of the fights, wouldn't it make sense to avoid starting them ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[todreaminblue]

My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years and we were together for 2 years before getting married.

 

Since getting married we have fought a lot, usually over little things like him not pulling his weight around the house. Recently the fights have got a lot worse (I think my hormones are playing up cos I've been getting angry over little things)and a couple of months ago he punched a hole in one of our doors.

 

Obviously, I don't like fighting and I do take responsibility for starting a lot of the fights, I am very highly strung and sometimes small things can set me off. However, my main problem is that my husband has started saying things which really hurt.

 

It started with him calling me a "f**king bitch"...then a few weeks later we were arguing over him doing something around the house and he told me to "get my fat ass down there and do it myself"...then last night I accidentally knocked his phone onto the floor when trying to move it to put down our dinner plates and he called me a "f**king idiot". I lost it last night as after the "fat ass" comment I spoke to him about how much this hurt me and I thought he understood.

 

Last night I told him that I don't feel loved when he says things like that because I don't understand how you could say that to someone you love. I had a massive headache last night (which he was aware of and didn't offer to help with dinner) and the day before I threw up at work and was feeling sick and he didn't seem to even care. He didn't even ask me if I was ok, it was like it didn't matter to him that I was sick.

 

I feel this behaviour shows that he doesn't respect me, or maybe he just doesn't love me anymore? I don't know what to do. I love him and generally our lives together are good, but I can't handle the arguments and name calling anymore.

 

When someone disrespects you it is not long before it gets to the point where your respect for that person flies out the window, to a certain degree name calling has densensitized me to the very act, while it is being done, it hits me later when i remember it word for word, I have a guy friend who disrespects me by name calling, he had a rough upbringing and he will throw at me you think you're so perfect, MOST OF the time he is disrespectful horrendously, the rest of the names ill leave to the imagination, he mocks me with a barrage of insults,runnign me down threatening me, when i dotn agree with his mode of operating, he was bought up that way and he also has a drug problem, so , i dont know why i still class him as a friend , except to say I have seen the caring side and good side of him, I have little respect for him in his attitude towards life in general adn definitely oen fo the main reasons i am no longer hsi partner ended over two decades ago,I keep hoping one day he might grow up, I have a feeling that he will never....I have given him notice to leave

 

 

You need to seek counselling for the way your hubby is treating you, I am a pretty messed up individual to take abuse in my stride,I find it extremely hard to give up on people especially ones i have cared about,I think they(therapists and shrinks) identify it as misplaced loyalty, don't go to that place, talk to your husband about mutual therapy so his anger issues can be dealt with, it is quite common for verbal abuse to escalate into the physical side...I hope it never does for you.......and never again for me....best wishes and hugs FROM ME TO YOU....deb

Edited January 25, 2013 by todreaminblue

[cheerfuldoer]

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

 

Your relationship sounds like mine. I'm pursuing divorce, after 22 years of marriage.

 

The early years of our marriage he was gone a lot, he was in the military. When he stopped traveling, the name calling started when we fought. I would try to diffuse and bring things down a notch and he would get mad and name call. I've been called a fat cow, fat B, Fing B, you name it, he's said it. I tell him, how can you talk to me ths way, I'm your wife, your partner, would you let some stranger on the street talk to me that way? He says, oh you know I don't mean what I say when I'm angry.

 

Fast forward many years. Our 19 year old daughter lives at home but stays out all night and does other questionable things. I tell her, you can't do these things while you are living here. She goes off and starts cussing me out, he is in the next room and doesn't come to intervene. He actually does everything for her and allows her to bad mouth me.

 

A few weeks ago she came home drunk after being out all night and I said completely unacceptable. She started yelling, I started yelling, she started saying the same things he's said to me. I told her I was still her mom, it was my house, and I would slap her mouth for talking like that. She started hitting me. My husband lay in bed during all of this. I called for his help and he lay in bed and said, you started it.

 

Yes.

 

The moral of the story is this. If you love your husband and want to stay married, go to counseling, now. Nip this in the bud and don't accept any more of that talk.

 

Your marriage teaches your kids how to treat their spouse and how to be treated. I didn't realize the years of disrespect had such an affect on the kids. We have 4 children and the other 3 don't talk like this.

 

Now that I've seen a lawyer I'm at a different place, when he tries to start with me, I look at him and think to myself, soon, this will be my history. I refuse to engage with him. It takes two to have an ugly argument and I remain disengaged from husband and daughter.

 

As a result things are peaceful. I was able to calmly tell him last night that his inaction while our daughter was hitting me was the most hurtful experience of our marriage and that I was going to need counseling to get over it. I told him that he had no idea of how much he hurt me. He said, I'm sorry, I guess I screwed up. He has accountability issues too.

 

Sorry if I overtook your thread, I just don't want you to have a similar future.

[pinkie]

"Now we are planning on trying to get pregnant and I feel it's the same thing again, he avoids the topic and just goes along with whatever I say. I feel decisions like this should be made by both partners"

 

No, it's you who is planning the pregnancy... Please don't bring an innocent child into this drama. It will only make matters worse.

 

Get counseling or get a divorce and be with someone who wants to be with you. It sounds to me like he could care less either way...