Taking a "break". What do I do?

[Roda73]

Hello Everyone! I'm new here and looking to get some advice. Here's my situation:

 

My boyfriend (age 29) and I (age 30) have been together for 4 years. For the first two years of our relationship he was always so into me -- ready to wisk me away to a quicky Vegas wedding at a moments notice. At the time although I loved him I didn't think we were ready because neither of us were finished with school or had a job.

 

Now when we both have our careers off the ground, I feel ready to get engaged and get married. My boyfriend though now says he's confused about us. And that he can't make the commitment I deserve right now. So as hard as it was, 3 days ago we decided to take a "break". I haven't spoken to him since.

 

Is he a commitment-phobe? How should I handle this? I really do believe in my gut that we belong together.

 

Help!

[SweeterGirl]

Take the break. Give him some space. If it is meant to be, he will come back. Perhaps, he is just confused about other things and not you. Men are complex creatures. Just give him the space, don't IM him or email him or call him. Wait for him to make the move. If its been a week, then call him to see what's up. Don't lay into him too much about anything. Just make casual convo at first, then go into the serious stuff. Like, is this break forever.

Believe that things work out or don't work out for a reason. Your life does not end and begin with ANY man. It begins with you.

[UCFKevin]

Move on. It's a breakup, not a break.

 

Here's what's happening:

 

He's able to do what he wants and be happy about it and will think little of you, more than likely.

 

You, however, will be sitting by the phone, wondering where he is, what he's doing, who he's doing it with, when he's coming back to you.

 

He's fine.

 

You're miserable.

 

That's not something someone who cares about you deeply would put you thru.

 

Move on. If he comes back, and you want him back, take him back. It'll be a wonderful surprise. But don't count on it. If he comes back and you've moved on and you're happy with who you are, tell him he missed the train.

[Roda73]

You both give sound advice and i thank you for that. My best friend says the same thing. I know I have to stay away from him. The hard part is that we live together. This whole "break" thing happened coincidently while I have been housesitting at my parents house while they are on vacation. The problem is that ALL my belongings are at his house, my mail goes to his house and we share a computer that has a bunch of my business records on it -- of course at his house.

 

And, in all honesty, I'm really sad. And I'm lonely at my parents house by myself. I can't imagine that he's not sad also. Up until the night before we decided to take our break we were discussing our future together.

 

I guess this sounds pretty pitiful.

[j_nelson]

Whatever you do, give him the break. You seem like you are doing alright with it as it is...I mean, obviously you are struggling a bit, but you are doing much better than most people at this stage. I guarantee you this isn't permanent. It's very difficult to just leave a 4 year relationship like that....he is definitely wondering if he made a mistake....hang in there and things will get better. In the mean time, stay busy with friends and family and do whatever you can to take your focus off of him!!!

[Roda73]

Thanks J-

You are absolutely right and are recommending exactly what all my friends are. And it really does help to have a group of friends for support.

 

The update is that last night after my last post, he called. It was the first time we had talked in 4 days. It was about 6:00 and I had just gotten home from work. My cell phone has a special ring for him and when that went off, I nearly choked. Although I suspected he would call first, I did not think it was going to be so soon.

 

He asked me how i was doing and I told him that I was doing okay but that I was really overwhelmed because I had had two really bad days at work in a row. I asked him about how he was doing and he kept going on an on about how he had been doing nothing, just "moping" around and staying at home a lot and had been really sad.

 

He ended the conversation after about 15 minutes by saying that he was in the car and going to lose reception as he appoached home in the canyon. He said I should call him if i want to talk or feel like talking.

 

I took this whole conversation as a positive thing. As bad as it sounds it makes me feel better to know that he's been miserable too. So now I guess i just wait and see what happens.

[Roda73]

OKAY! I need someone to tell me not to be stupid. I don't want to undermine myself.

 

Having heard his voice yesterday made for such a good day today. (I haven't cried all day today) But it makes me want to talk to him more. I am so tempted to pick up the phone. But I know that I can't and that i shouldn't. If I did I wouldn't be giving him the space he needs.

 

And maybe by not calling it will make him think that I'm okay with this time apart. I can't help to hope that the old saying is true -- "Absence make the heart grow fonder".

 

I just need someone to keep me away from the phone.

[j_nelson]

Don't do it...You want him to think that you are okay with the time apart and you want to give him the space he says he needs....I am in the same place as you right now....It's hard...that's for sure....but if he wants you or she wants me, they will call....they know where to reach us.

[Roda73]

You are absolutely right! I have been strong now for three days. Whats one more day if I'm taking it one day at a time? Right?

 

I'm getting worried about the weekend, though. The weekends are our time together. We watch sports on TV together. We go play golf together. We have drinks beachside. We go to the gym together. Its going to be tough keeping busy.

 

I have a feeling that by the end of the weekend my house is going to be sparkling clean.

 

Does anyone have any suggestions on keeping busy when your trying not to think about someone?

[Scott S]

And maybe by not calling it will make him think that I'm okay with this time apart. I can't help to hope that the old saying is true -- "Absence make the heart grow fonder".

 

Well, it is true, up to a point.

 

After a while, though, the separation anxiety wears off, the separateness becomes the norm, and "Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder" can become "Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind."

[Roda73]

The new news is that he has called everyday for the last 4 days. Every time he calls he sounds really down. I try to keep the conversation short and upbeat.

 

The last time he called was at midnight last night. (This is not unusual for us.) Anyway he asked me to go out of town with him for the weekend. He has to go for business and on other occasions I would always go with him. I told him that I couldn't go because I couldn't take Friday off of work and that I didn't think it was a good idea for us to take a trip together considering our current situation. He said " I wouldn't ask you to go if I didn't want you to come." My response was that he wanted to take some space from each other and taking a trip together would undermine that.

 

He seemed kind of upset that I turned him down. Do you think that him asking me to go was his way of reaching out to me to let me know that he is feeling better about us? I would otherwise really want to go. But I am just really trying to be smart about this.

 

Any thoughts?

[Scott S]

My response was that he wanted to take some space from each other and taking a trip together would undermine that.

 

Hmm. I'm a little confused. Your first post indicated that this "break" was a mutual decision. Could you please clarify?

 

 

He seemed kind of upset that I turned him down. Do you think that him asking me to go was his way of reaching out to me to let me know that he is feeling better about us? I would otherwise really want to go. But I am just really trying to be smart about this.

 

Any thoughts?

 

Perhaps he is indeed trying to reach out to you. Perhaps this time apart has made him think about how he feels about you & your relationship. Perhaps he is ready to step up.

 

If you watched "The Ultimate Love Test" on teevee this past summer, you saw how 2 "commitment-phobes" saw what their lives might be like without their respective partners, & realized the relationship had to either evolve or end. The result was one actual marriage proposal, & a promise of a future one.

 

If you do want to keep your love relationship, then you will need to give each other the chance to change & do the right thing.

[Roda73]

Our decision to take a break was indeed mutual. But the decision was based on the fact the he was confused about his life, his job and how our relationship was suffering because of it. He said that he needed time to himself to think things through. He didn't ask me to leave. I was staying at my parents house while they were on vacation and I have voluntarily not gone back home to him since they've been back.

 

I wish I had seen the ultimate love test. What happened? I could use another couple's perspective.

[Scott S]

I wish I had seen the ultimate love test. What happened? I could use another couple's perspective.

 

Four couples were given an opportunity to put their love realtionship to the test, and find answers to difficult questions about their relationships. If they successfully finished, they would received $100,000.

 

After agreeing to take part in the challenge, the couples separated, with one going to a spectacular resort in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. There, they were matched with new potential mates that were selected for qualities they feel is lacking in their current partner. The other one stayed home to fume, pine, & sweat it out. With one of the couples, the "interloper" was her former boyfriend, & they each said they still had strong feelings for each other.

 

It was very much a stacked deck. The "Temptation Island" show of a couple summers ago showed a more even playing field.

 

Two couples dropped out, one having broken off their relationship, the other deciding they'd had enough & wanted to work on healing their relationship (they subsequently broke up anyway), and forfeited the $100K.

 

The other 2 couples decided to stay together after each man decided he was finally ready to take the realtionship to the next level.

 

It's a "reality show," & of course it's edited to portray the participants in a certain way. With a view to that, the couples' perspectives may be of limited use.

 

Here's a link with tons of links to chatrooms, episode guides, etc. There are links to the personal web-sites of several of the participants as well.

 

http://www.sirlinksalot.net/theultimatelovetest.html

[Scott S]

The new news is that he has called everyday for the last 4 days. Every time he calls he sounds really down. I try to keep the conversation short and upbeat.

 

 

You never mentioned how long a "break" you agreed to, or whether it was indefinite. Maybe he's had enough time to think. It appears to me he's had some second thoughts about all this, & he really misses you.

 

Maybe it's time to give him more than a short, upbeat phone call. Why not ask him if he wants to meet for coffee, a drink, or dinner, & have a nice long face-to-face talk about the relationship?

[Scott S]

Hi Roda!

 

A couple weeks & a long weekend since your last post here. Any updates you care to share? Have you two taken any time to really talk about things?

 

Hope it's going better for you both!!

[niko1999]

I hope everything has turne dout well for you. Im kind of in the same shoes that you were last week.

[aikido29]

Hi there - Its been good for me to read your posts. My boyfriend of 3 1/2 years told me two months ago that he needed to live on his own for a while. He was only 23 when we met and never really lived on his own. We lived together for 3 years.

 

Its been a month since we have lived seperately. He has cut himself off from everyone, me, our friends. He's working like a maniac and tells me he doesn't know what he wants in his life in general. He is a good person, and I know he is going through a lot of tough stuff and that I can't help with any of it.

 

We haven't established any timelines about the "break" or anything. I know other people set timelines but what good does it really do, figuring out who you are and what you want in life doesn't run on a calendar. I know at some point I will have to decide whether to close the door on the possibility of it working out between us. We never fought, our friends thought we were great together, brought out good things in the other. That's what makes this so confusing. We know each other's family despite being from different countries. We know alot about each other's culture too.

 

I know with or without him I'll have a great life - right now I still have some hope he'll be there. I know I can't put all my eggs in one basket, and it sucks.

[Scott S]

We haven't established any timelines about the "break" or anything. I know other people set timelines but what good does it really do, figuring out who you are and what you want in life doesn't run on a calendar. I know at some point I will have to decide whether to close the door on the possibility of it working out between us.

 

You're right. Feelings don't run on a calendar, some people can never decide what exactly they want from a love relationship. At the same time, though, it's not fair to keep the other partner in limbo indefinitely. Personally, I would not care for left to twist in the wind like that, & before long I would make my own decisions.

 

Of course, even an agreed-upon time frame is not carved in stone. One or both may feel more time is needed, or feel that they have the answer before the time frame ends.

 

Roda73, I don't know if you're still following this thread, but the way you said your BF was acting a couple weeks ago (calling frequently, sounding despondent, etc) suggests the latter. That is, he's decided that he DOES want to continue the relationship, & is afraid he's blown it. My thoughts in an earlier post were that it's time for more than "a short, upbeat phone call," & maybe it's time for a nice long face-to-face talk about the relationship. I stand on that advice now.

[aikido29]

Hi there - My bf of 3.5 years told me at the beg. of July that he wanted to live on his own for a while. I was so upset. In the beg. of August we made the move. I thought we would still be dating but it turned out that he wanted to be completely alone, for "a while".

 

During the first month apart he called me once to tell me he got his green card approved - something on both of our minds for years now. I was glad he shared this info with me. Then I saw him once a week later, we chatted and it was a good conversation. Nothing odd until we said goodbye. I didn't know what to do, he gave me a big hug and I kissed him on the cheek.

 

He still needed to give some things to me and we emailed last week about it. He popped by my place on Friday (we only live 4 blocks apart) and after chatting for a half hour and him giving me somethings he had to go. I had plans too. We hugged and he left. He asked to borrow a dolly from my office to move some furniture being delivered on Monday. So we met up Sun pm and got the dolly and he said hey do you want to go to dinner?

 

We went to dinner. It was the first time in 6-8 weeks we could relax and chat. We caught up on family, work, friends, life in general. I don't feel he is hiding anything. And he always reiterates how much he is working, he was at work until midnight on Sat pm. He also mentioned his family might come to visit in October (I know all of them relatively well, better than any past g-friend he had).

 

He shares w/me ideas about arranging his apt and after a 6 weeks of being a hermit is starting just now to get in touch with our common friends. He's never lived on his own (he's 26 I'm 29) and is excited to have his own place, I can understand that feeling. I've made it clear to him that I care for him deeply and I am not saying bad stuff about him and on his request I am not calling him until he tells me otherwise.

 

I am glad he feels he can ask me for help, and we have a good time together, I just don't want to be a doormat, and I don't want to be his pal. Any ideas about this stuff? I know he is working through some things that I can't help him with. I feel like he doesn't want to disappear totally from my life, but he isn't really able time wise or emotionally to be IN my life. Any experience with this stuff? Ideas?

 

Thanks