domestic abuse

[angie2443]

I've seen many, many threads on this forum in which the poster is most likely in an abusive situation and doesn't know it.

 

Abuse is a method of control. The ways to control someone are many. Many people think of the physical control method first, but everything from hurtful jokes, to bieng cold (not because their partner hurt them, or because they are cooling down from a fight- this is differant), to saying something like "let me help, you're not very good at that". Often, the more skilled an abuser becomes, the less they have to rely on physical tactics to keep the other person under. If you think of the words "let me help, you're not very good at that", these are words that could be said by someone with good intention. The differance is that the abusive person will say these words, and use other tactics along side the words, to rip into their targest self esteem.

 

The cycle of abuse is simple and is a very real thing. There is the so called honeymoon period, or period of normalicy. There is the build up of tension (here, the abuser is collection points against there partner-"she didn't clean the house good"/"He didn't agree with me"). When the tension reaches a certain level, the abuser gets ready to strike. Often the tipping point is something little. A child spilling a drink, a spouse who doesn't here what the abuser said, a bad day at work are all things that can set off an attack. This is one reason so many people in abusive situations talk about the "light switch" effect and why so many people confuse anger management problems with abuse. One minute things seem normal, the next minute holes are bieng punched in the wall. After the attack, things seem to calm down. If the abuser isn't saying "sorry, I don't know what happened", they will be working hard to manipulate their target into thinking that they, the target, did something to cause the abuse.

After this, the normalicy or "honeymoon" part of the cycle starts up.

 

What many people don't know is that Abusive people, rarely, rarely show their true colors untill some sort of hook is in. This hook can be marriage, pregnancy, or just the other partner falling in love. People often ask the abused person "why did you marry this guy/girl? What were you thinking?" The thing is, that guy/girl could have appeared very normal in the beginning.

 

I'd write more but my kids just got up.

 

What I'd like to get accross more than anything to someone in this situation, is, learn as much as possible about your situation. The more you know, the harder it is to get manipulated. It is not your actions/lack of actions that bring about the abuse. Many people with healthy self esteem and loving parents get involved in abusive situations. I do think it might be easiar for these people to get out. Any ways, I'll finish this up after my kids get to school.