Will I ever get over it?

[amber82]

Hello

This is my first post, any advice would be grateful as I am struggling

OH had an affair, lasting about a month, which ended about four months ago. I know it wasn't a long one, but we were together for a long time and have children together. I never, ever thought he would do what he did. It completely threw me. We split up but got back together, and he was amazing after, so attentive and apologetic. He has answered all my questions and does anything I ask him to. I understand why it happened.

However... why oh why can't I stop thinking about it? On the outside I'm fine, we are fine, and everything is happy. But in my head is turmoil. The whole situtation replays and replays in my head. The same questions over and over (that I already know the answers to?). Focusing and obsessing over little details, and dates, and things that were said. I get myself into a state and cry at least once a day. The betrayal hurts so much.

He said he wants to be with me forver and have more children, and I do to, but I'm scared this is going to be in my head forever, that I will never be able to get over it.

Has anyone else felt like this? How long did it take you to be at peace?

Thanks xxx

[NotCamelot]

I'm very sorry for what you are going through. Someone once told me, I wouldn't wish what you are going through on anyone.

 

You don't say how long it's been since you discovered the A. But, I can tell you that, for most of us, those thoughts continue for a while. Some days better, some days worse. But they do start to go away. And, hopefully, at some point, it will be a very distant memory that only comes up now and then when triggerd by some words or something you see. And, at that time, it really shouldn't hurt much.

 

If you two are serious and he puts in the work, you can make it. It takes some work on your part as well.

 

Try to get back to why you were together in the first place. I found that helped me a lot.

[BetrayedH]

A LOT of people have been in your shoes. The obsessive thoughts are a normal reaction to the betrayal (including those repetitive questions that have already been answered x10). Rest assured that you are normal.

 

Will it end? It most certainly can. From what I see, it takes (1) A truly remorserful wayward spouse and (2) a truly forgiving betrayed spouse. One important note: #2 cannot come before #1.

 

Some spouses cannot ever truly forgive and, for them, divorce ends up being the best option. There's no shame there. Some realize immediately and for others it can take time to realize that for them, infidelity truly was a dealbreaker. There should be NO pressure on you to make such a decision quickly. Your husband doesn't get to punch your face and complain about how long you bleed on the carpet. And you shouldn't pressure yourself either.

 

There are a lot of happy reconciled betrayed spouses here that will share what got them to success. But I'm not sure that any of them would put it in terms of weeks or even months. Conventional knowledge would place it at 2-5 years and there's a rollercoaster of emotions along the way (which you're already riding).

 

Where you land has a lot to do with your spouse. You seem to express a lot of confidence in his remorse. This is a pretty big plus. Don't be surprised if people are skeptical and ask a lot of very pointed questions about him. The fact is that he is an established liar and a cheat and it's something that your broken heart would very much like to avoid facing. Early forgiveness can be labeled cheap forgiveness. If there was one key to all this, I think it is seeing his consistent actions over time. Note that time is a four-letter word.

 

Will you ever forgive and forget? Most would say that you can forgive but never really forget. The blind trust that you had in your husband is likely gone. Most of us come to grips with the fact that it's probably a good thing. Many BSs come out stronger, more independent people by the end of all this and it's good to get to a point where you know you can handle whatever life throws at you and do it on your own.

 

As for healing, most liken it to a serious wound. At first it's bleeding uncontrollably and has enough pain to knock you out. Over time, it will heal and lessen. And it eventually it leaves a scar, perhaps painful if you press on it and something you may never forget but not one that is in constant agony.

 

You'll find great support and advice here. Some of it may be brutal. Listen to all of it. Digest it. Then keep what works for you and discard the rest.

 

If I may ask, what has your husband done to express true remorse? What is he doing to help your healing and to rebuild trust?

[amber82]

Hello

 

Thanks for all your replies I never imagined I would get such thought out responses so quickly! It helps to know that other people have been in the same situation, it's not something I can really talk face to face about, the words just don't come out right.

 

BetrayedH, thanks for your response. My husband has basically turned his life around since it happened. The reason we had split up was because the first couple of weeks he made no effort. I took him back on the promise he had learnt from his mistake and would make it better, and he really has. He is being a completely open book, no more hiding or discreet behaviour. When he goes out he tells me where he is going and when he will be back, and he comes back on time (something which never used to happen). He has his phone on him 24/7, always answers and comes home in an instant if I ask him too. He has offered for me to look at all his accounts and messages. But apart from that, I feel like he is actually paying attention to me know. He notices everything, can tell what mood I'm in before I even know. He probably knows I'm still struggling with this even though I wont talk about it.

 

 

I just wish it had never happened! Don't we all? I find I'm okay when people are around or I am busy, but as soon as I am on my own I beat myself up about it. I don't know is it better to try to block out all thoughts about it, or will that prolong the agony? Should I accept this misery as part of getting better?

[waterwoman]

Hi amber, I'm another member of this far from exclusive club. Miserable isn't it? And I am 3 months further on from you and still having the same feelings. I think that it is perfectly natural but that doesn't stop it being horrible to go through. I am now alternating between being angry and upset and asking him endless questions, and being calm and happy and feeling guilty for being such a bitch to him.

 

We have finally decided to try MC next week. He isn't keen but always said he would if I wanted to. We'll see.

 

You are not alone x

[underwater2010]

Hello

This is my first post, any advice would be grateful as I am struggling

OH had an affair, lasting about a month, which ended about four months ago. I know it wasn't a long one, but we were together for a long time and have children together. I never, ever thought he would do what he did. It completely threw me. We split up but got back together, and he was amazing after, so attentive and apologetic. He has answered all my questions and does anything I ask him to. I understand why it happened.

However... why oh why can't I stop thinking about it? On the outside I'm fine, we are fine, and everything is happy. But in my head is turmoil. The whole situtation replays and replays in my head. The same questions over and over (that I already know the answers to?). Focusing and obsessing over little details, and dates, and things that were said. I get myself into a state and cry at least once a day. The betrayal hurts so much.

He said he wants to be with me forver and have more children, and I do to, but I'm scared this is going to be in my head forever, that I will never be able to get over it.

Has anyone else felt like this? How long did it take you to be at peace?

Thanks xxx

Your inner termoil is NORMAL!!! I am 7 months out and lost it just the other night again. I think that we are doing great all things considered. But the mental demons creep up at just the wrong time. So what do I do about it? I talk to him. Not to make him feel bad, just to let him know where I am at. The hardest part for me is the feeling that if I rock the boat even just a little, he will stray again. He is doing his best to reassure me...and that is all he can do. Time will tell if he can stay faithful and I am sure my mind will eventually stop running in circles.

 

Just know that we are all in the same boat. I have said it before reconiliation is not for the faint of heart or weak.

[amber82]

Thank you for your replies.

 

I agree, reconciliation is definately not for the weak. It would be so easy to say enough is enough. It's great to feel strength from you all, thanks.

[BetrayedH]

My reconciliation wasn't successful so forgive me if I refer you to others that have gotten there. I caught my wife in continued lies and flipped out. But I have read and studied a lot and from my 8 months of trying to reconcile, I think I learned something (so I'll keep rambling).

 

I think reconciling from infidelity is something you have to go through, not around. I'm a little concerned about your hesitation to talk to your H.

 

Can I ask about counseling? One thing that I would recommend the most in the early days is for your H (husband) to attend IC (individual counseling). The main focus would be to determine his "why." Many of the surface answers (she was pretty, I was lonely, we weren't connecting at home, etc) don't dig deep enough. Deciding to cheat is an unethical, unhealthy, destructive choice that your husband himself would probably say he doesn't believe in. So why would he do something he doesn't agree with? I would suggest something inside of him is(was?) broken. In most cases, there is either an overdeveloped sense of entitlement, an excessive need for external validation, or extreme conflict avoidance. These can many times be traced back to FOO (family of origin) issues. Certainly there can be other contributing factors (marital problems and other major life events such as a pregnancy, mental illness, or military service) but the choice/coping mechanism itself is still an unhealthy one. I'm not trying to get you to "blame" him more but if he is very introspective and understands his particular "why," he can be more readily stop himself from choosing that coping mechanism in the future (and this in turn also can give YOU much more confidence that you won't have a repeat performance). While you may own 50% of the marital problems, he owns 100% of the decision to cheat. Don't let him (or you) blameshift that decision onto your or the marriage. I once heard someone describe the "six degrees of why." Why did you cheat? Because I was lonely. Why were you lonely? Because I can't talk to my wife. Why can't you talk to your wife? And so on to at least six degrees. Eventually you get to a more core answer that is well past the surface ones and has something to do with how he learned to cope with issues during childhood.

 

IC for you is also not a bad idea. This can be traumatic. I had three therapists suggest I had PTSD.

 

MC (marriage counseling) is also recommended once your H has done some work on his own issues. This gives you a safe place to discuss the marriage (which may have had some legitimate issues) and come to agreements with an objective third party present (which tends to reduce emotional outbursts and encourage progress).

 

Hopefully you can start to see why talking about it might have some benefit. Fights are rarely beneficial but to some extent, he can also choke down some of the shi t sandwich he served you. Eventually my wife and I came to agreement on appropriate times and durations for affair conversations and made a point not to yell or swear at one another. We also wrote back and forth in a sort of journal so I could ask questions and she could take the time to reflect before responding.

 

Just some thoughts to consider.