mr.mike Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 My wife left a month ago for an extended but planned family visit in another state, but now she won’t come back home, which she just told me a week before she was originally planning to return. We moved from living near her family and friends where she is now to be closer to mine 7 months ago. She originally wanted to move here, and it made sense for us financially because the cost of living is much cheaper here. But, she has never felt accepted by my family and has been depressed since moving here. This goes back to before we were even married 3 years ago, when my mother and brother questioned her and our relationship. Now, at almost every family gathering, my wife will be set off and angered by comments that my family makes, which aren’t even intended to hurt her. She stopped going to most family gatherings, and I’ve been stuck in the middle between my family’s constant questions about her and her not wanting to do anything with them. I’ve just made excuses like she’s not feeling well. It’s also hard because I’m stressed financially and not the happiest person to be around lately, and she doesn’t work so she’s around me all the time. She was seeing a counselor for months before she left to deal with her depression, which she won’t discuss with me. I’ve been insecure about my wife leaving for the long family visit, mainly because I know she’s been unhappy here and feared that she may not come back. Also, I knew she’d be going out with her single friend who likes to get drunk and hook up with random men almost every time I’ve been out with her. So, I’ve questioned my wife about where she’s been and it has led to her getting angry with me when I call her, thinking I have to know her every move. She has become more distant each time I talk to her, and said that she wants space to figure out what happened to her and the person she used to be. I also noticed that she deleted her fashion blog and videos that I helped her with that she’s been working on for the past year, which she said she didn’t have time for anymore. I asked her sister what was going on and told her about my wife’s anger towards me, and her sister told me that she’s really depressed and unhappy, but not to worry because she’s acting like that with everyone there and has good and bad moments. I tried to give her space by not contacting her for a few days. Two days ago my wife told me that she was coming here to talk about a lot of things, but she’s not planning on staying. She said that she’s made decisions during the time and space I’ve given her, but she wouldn’t elaborate. I’m really worried about losing her, and that she may not love me anymore. I told her that I don’t want her to give up on us, and I’ll do whatever it takes to make things better, including marriage counseling. She makes impulsive decisions, like deleting the blog and her fb a few years ago, and I just hope she doesn’t make one with our marriage and delete me. Please give me any suggestions on how to handle our “talk” and our future together. Thank you
Chi townD Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 I would call her and tell her that if she's coming back here to tell me that she wants a divorce then don't bother coming back. Tell her to do what she's got to do. Just my opinion.
Samilia Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 My wife left a month ago for an extended but planned family visit in another state, but now she won’t come back home, which she just told me a week before she was originally planning to return. We moved from living near her family and friends where she is now to be closer to mine 7 months ago. She originally wanted to move here, and it made sense for us financially because the cost of living is much cheaper here. But, she has never felt accepted by my family and has been depressed since moving here. This goes back to before we were even married 3 years ago, when my mother and brother questioned her and our relationship. Now, at almost every family gathering, my wife will be set off and angered by comments that my family makes, which aren’t even intended to hurt her. She stopped going to most family gatherings, and I’ve been stuck in the middle between my family’s constant questions about her and her not wanting to do anything with them. I’ve just made excuses like she’s not feeling well. It’s also hard because I’m stressed financially and not the happiest person to be around lately, and she doesn’t work so she’s around me all the time. She was seeing a counselor for months before she left to deal with her depression, which she won’t discuss with me. I’ve been insecure about my wife leaving for the long family visit, mainly because I know she’s been unhappy here and feared that she may not come back. Also, I knew she’d be going out with her single friend who likes to get drunk and hook up with random men almost every time I’ve been out with her. So, I’ve questioned my wife about where she’s been and it has led to her getting angry with me when I call her, thinking I have to know her every move. She has become more distant each time I talk to her, and said that she wants space to figure out what happened to her and the person she used to be. I also noticed that she deleted her fashion blog and videos that I helped her with that she’s been working on for the past year, which she said she didn’t have time for anymore. I asked her sister what was going on and told her about my wife’s anger towards me, and her sister told me that she’s really depressed and unhappy, but not to worry because she’s acting like that with everyone there and has good and bad moments. I tried to give her space by not contacting her for a few days. Two days ago my wife told me that she was coming here to talk about a lot of things, but she’s not planning on staying. She said that she’s made decisions during the time and space I’ve given her, but she wouldn’t elaborate. I’m really worried about losing her, and that she may not love me anymore. I told her that I don’t want her to give up on us, and I’ll do whatever it takes to make things better, including marriage counseling. She makes impulsive decisions, like deleting the blog and her fb a few years ago, and I just hope she doesn’t make one with our marriage and delete me. Please give me any suggestions on how to handle our “talk” and our future together. Thank you I have been in her shoes. His family wouldn't accept me, only his sister was nice to me. It made it hard on me, family gatherings were something I was looking forward at first, then it became something I dreaded. I wouldn't give up on her just yet. See what she has to say. Is she making up excuses or is she really homesick? What's your gut feeling on the situation, do you think she just came up with a reason to justify a divorce, or do you think she's telling the truth?
KathyM Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 I think you should go to her right away and talk this out. Don't wait for her to come back home. You need to show her through actions, not just words, that you want your marriage to work, and you will move mountains to make it work. Tell her you hope she'll consider marriage counseling, because you do want to resolve whatever issues are interfering in your marriage, and you are fully committed to do whatever it takes to save your marriage. She has to see and hear your commitment to the marriage, and your resolve to work on whatever issues you have together. Buy that plane ticket today to go to her. Don't delay. The longer you wait, the longer you are apart, the lower your chances of saving it. 2
aMguilts Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 My wife left a month ago for an extended but planned family visit in another state, but now she won’t come back home, which she just told me a week before she was originally planning to return. We moved from living near her family and friends where she is now to be closer to mine 7 months ago. She originally wanted to move here, and it made sense for us financially because the cost of living is much cheaper here. But, she has never felt accepted by my family and has been depressed since moving here. This goes back to before we were even married 3 years ago, when my mother and brother questioned her and our relationship. Now, at almost every family gathering, my wife will be set off and angered by comments that my family makes, which aren’t even intended to hurt her. She stopped going to most family gatherings, and I’ve been stuck in the middle between my family’s constant questions about her and her not wanting to do anything with them. I’ve just made excuses like she’s not feeling well. It’s also hard because I’m stressed financially and not the happiest person to be around lately, and she doesn’t work so she’s around me all the time. She was seeing a counselor for months before she left to deal with her depression, which she won’t discuss with me. I’ve been insecure about my wife leaving for the long family visit, mainly because I know she’s been unhappy here and feared that she may not come back. Also, I knew she’d be going out with her single friend who likes to get drunk and hook up with random men almost every time I’ve been out with her. So, I’ve questioned my wife about where she’s been and it has led to her getting angry with me when I call her, thinking I have to know her every move. She has become more distant each time I talk to her, and said that she wants space to figure out what happened to her and the person she used to be. I also noticed that she deleted her fashion blog and videos that I helped her with that she’s been working on for the past year, which she said she didn’t have time for anymore. I asked her sister what was going on and told her about my wife’s anger towards me, and her sister told me that she’s really depressed and unhappy, but not to worry because she’s acting like that with everyone there and has good and bad moments. I tried to give her space by not contacting her for a few days. Two days ago my wife told me that she was coming here to talk about a lot of things, but she’s not planning on staying. She said that she’s made decisions during the time and space I’ve given her, but she wouldn’t elaborate. I’m really worried about losing her, and that she may not love me anymore. I told her that I don’t want her to give up on us, and I’ll do whatever it takes to make things better, including marriage counseling. She makes impulsive decisions, like deleting the blog and her fb a few years ago, and I just hope she doesn’t make one with our marriage and delete me. Please give me any suggestions on how to handle our “talk” and our future together. Thank you hi mr.mike Best way to handle your talk and your future together? Is to not talk about it. She`s unhappy and from what you have put, for good reason. What business is it for your mum and brother to question her? And you allowed this or did you stick up for your wife? My monies on that you allowed it or she wouldn`t feel so bad around your familly. Whether they are intended to hurt or not, your familly shouldn`t be making `comments` at all. Again i`m guessing they were negative comments? No person on earth will ever get THAT upset with a positive comment, would they? So she`s coming to you to talk but she isn`t going to stay? To quote what you said "and I’ll do whatever it takes to make things better" You want to make it better? Whats stopping you from going to see her and saving your marriage? Has she got to do EVERYTHING? She`s been screaming at you for ages Stop hearing, start listening aM 3
Author mr.mike Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 She does have trouble being away from her family and friends. They've been coming to visit us here constantly ever since we moved. She was crying a lot when we first got here. I would go to see her, but she's planning to come here tomorrow to talk. Should I tell her that I want to go there instead?
KathyM Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 She does have trouble being away from her family and friends. They've been coming to visit us here constantly ever since we moved. She was crying a lot when we first got here. I would go to see her, but she's planning to come here tomorrow to talk. Should I tell her that I want to go there instead? Oh, well if she's coming to see you that soon, then there's no need to go there. Just be ready to show your commitment to resolving your issues and saving your marriage when she comes there. And be empathetic to her that you know it has been hard for her to be away from family and friends, and you want to work on a solution you both can live with. 1
Author mr.mike Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 I did stand up for her and told them that they were out of line. I didn't have contact with my family for awhile after, but this was 3 years ago. It seemed like things were getting better because my wife and I visited them before moving here, and my wife wasn't upset then or when we planned to move here. She's planning to come here to talk tomorrow. Should I tell her I'm coming there instead?
aMguilts Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 I did stand up for her and told them that they were out of line. I didn't have contact with my family for awhile after, but this was 3 years ago. It seemed like things were getting better because my wife and I visited them before moving here, and my wife wasn't upset then or when we planned to move here. She's planning to come here to talk tomorrow. Should I tell her I'm coming there instead? How many miles apart are you? aM
CaliBabe Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 I'm with KathyM. You should go to her and talk to her right away. This is serious and needs to be discussed. Keep your cool, no begging and pleading. Consider taking a break possibly for a few weeks? I really hope and pray this all works out for you.
aMguilts Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 800 miles. ok. i know you said the next state, but ok. let her come to you she`s made arrangements already Were you both getting on ok before she moved? aM
Author mr.mike Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 ok. i know you said the next state, but ok. let her come to you she`s made arrangements already Were you both getting on ok before she moved? aM We were getting along until we got here. I had some financial stress, but she was nothing like this. She cried for about a month here and then got counseling to deal with it.
aMguilts Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 We were getting along until we got here. I had some financial stress, but she was nothing like this. She cried for about a month here and then got counseling to deal with it. and then she just went back `home`, she just went, even after she agreed to move with you? aM
Author mr.mike Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 Yes, she went back to her sister's place in the same area as our house, which I sold and we lived in for 3 years. Her sister and all her friends are there.
Survivor12 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Are you willing to move back closer to her family if it would save your marriage?
Author mr.mike Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 Are you willing to move back closer to her family if it would save your marriage? Yes, definitely. I told her that already.
aMguilts Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Yes, she went back to her sister's place in the same area as our house, which I sold and we lived in for 3 years. Her sister and all her friends are there. ok how old are you both? aM
Survivor12 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Remind her of that when you talk to her...but let her know that you have to make the move together, don't "follow her" if she isn't willing to commit to staying with you. You may also put MC on your list of non-negotiables.
aMguilts Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 (edited) I'm 31. She's 27. No kids. i`ll stop with the questions( big relief for you eh? )) She`s coming to you to `talk`. She`s coming 800 miles to talk to you . She REALLY wants to talk to you. Get it? Listen to what she has to say. Keep your gob shut, no matter what she says. No matter what! . EVERYTHING and ANYTHING she says, you agree with. She`s right with everything she says to you. ( whether you think its right or wrong, its irrelevant) Seems to me from what you put in your posts you have listened to her, but you didn`t hear. There`s a BIG difference and it`s one that can make or break Don`t think i`m having a go at you. I`m on your side aM Edited January 25, 2013 by aMguilts 1
Author mr.mike Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 Yeah, I plan to listen and hear her. She was going to come here tomorrow to talk, but I'm trying to take the initiative and go to her instead. Waiting to hear if she's ok with that.
aMguilts Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Yeah, I plan to listen and hear her. She was going to come here tomorrow to talk, but I'm trying to take the initiative and go to her instead. Waiting to hear if she's ok with that. 0k......... aM
Author mr.mike Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 I talked to her. She said that she already planned to come here, so that's what she wants to do and doesn't want me to buy a ticket for her (she can fly discounted or for free using her Southwest friend though). She sounded better and said that she knows she's not easy to get along with sometimes. But, she did say she's been watching her "****ty shows", as she says I call them even though she made up that name, and she's been enjoying working out with her sister's partner because she's able to workout with someone else unlike when I don't join her at gym. So she's definitely showing some negative feelings for me. She did say "I love you too" when we hung up, but I don't know if she still means it...
Author mr.mike Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 I talked to her on the phone. She said that she already planned to come here, so that's what she wants to do and doesn't want me to buy a ticket for her (she can fly discounted or for free using her Southwest friend though). She sounded better and we shared a couple laughs, and she said that she knows she's not easy to get along with sometimes. But, she did say she's been watching her "****ty shows", as she says I call them even though she made up that name, and she's been enjoying working out with her sister's partner because she's able to workout with someone else unlike when I don't join her at gym. So she's definitely showing some negative feelings for me. She did say "I love you too" when we hung up, but I don't know if she still means it...
Recommended Posts