Wife won't come back. What do I do?

[Steadfast]

Selfish and immature. How many times has this been repeated?

 

Nothing she has said or suggested will do anything but make things better for her. Having you at her beckon call whenever she feels the need! She wants to tell your therapist her side of the story? That's guilt talking.

 

Again, you will decide for you, but she could give you better closure by leaving you alone. She's not interested in your well being. Snow job.

 

And so are her tears and misery, all designed to make you feel bad for her while she's screwing you over. There it is again...selfish and immature.

 

Dismiss any questions of her trying to reconcile unless she says; "I'm sorry. I love you, I want our marriage to work and I'll do whatever it takes to make it happen." Unless she says that or similar, you have nothing.

 

My advice? Cancel. Demand that she leave you alone and go complete NC. I know it's hard because you care, but it is for the best. Believe it.

 

**EDIT** Fire your greedy therapist. Typical.

Edited March 1, 2013 by Steadfast

[mr.mike]

I agree that my wife is coming here and to my therapist just to relieve her own guilt. She even said that she didn't want me to think that she's a b*tch. My therapist didn't suggest meeting with her originally. I asked my wife last week if she wanted to go to her own therapist together, and my wife suggested going to see mine instead. Apparently her therapist told her that she was doing fine and didn't need to come as often anymore.

 

I can't imagine that going out to our favorite restaurants and buying her ice cream is going to be healthy for either of us if she has no intention of reconciling. She could be hiding her interest in reconciling, but I'm not interested in playing games with her while being used as a cash machine in order to find out.

 

As of now, I plan to cancel her trip here.

[aMguilts]

go back and re read your posts here from the start

 

 

you will learn a lot

well i hope you will

 

aM

[mr.mike]

I spoke to my wife about her intentions for visiting and also to my therapist, and I decided not to cancel her trip here. She visited for 3 days.

 

At first, she acted more like a friend and distant. She also wasn't wearing her ring. We went to dinner and discussed a lot of the same problems with our relationship that we already have, and the progress that we've both made. She told me that she hasn't changed her mind about us. I told her that I wouldn't support her financially if she wasn't going to try to work things out, which she thought was fair. After dinner we came home, and she set up her own bed in another bedroom. She wanted to go out to dance, so we went to a club. We had a great time and danced all night together. When we got home, we were all over each other and she ended up in my bed, where she slept each night the rest of her trip.

 

The next 2 days were good, and it mostly felt like we were a couple again. We kissed a lot and said that we love each other. She cooked for me, I cooked for her, and we went grocery shopping together and to our favorite restaurants. But, she would drop comments about me finding someone with more similar interests, and her not considering marriage again unless she got the perfect ring and wedding. She also talked about getting a job and starting over.

 

At the therapist, she cried and repeated mostly what she had told me about our problems, which I had already told my therapist. He asked why she hadn't included me in her therapy, and she gave the same excuse that she thought I didn't believe in it, but that she should have included me. She does think I will change for the better, and that I already have, but she doesn't think that it matters since we're incompatible and our personalities don't mix. She can't forget how I criticized her, tried to change her and didn't stand up for her enough. And she wants nothing to do with my family. My therapist thinks she's playing a blame game, and until she thinks differently and stops blaming me or my family for all her unhappiness, it will be difficult to change her mind.

 

She hinted at coming back here in a month to see me without going to therapy. It's still confusing as hell to tell if she has actually made up her mind or not about us with all the mixed signals. She seems very confused too. I know she's selfish and immature, but I still love her. I will continue to take one day at a time and work on myself. I'll give our marriage some more time, but I may have to set a limit soon.

Edited March 7, 2013 by mr.mike

[Darren Steez]

Dear god..

 

Good luck to you man, read the whole thread, it seems there is just no getting through to you. You've ignored the advice given and done your own thing and are still at square one and just as confused.

 

She's not confused. She's done

 

But you will never be. So she's got you regardless.

[Logik]

Dude. Seriously. It's really hard to accept it, but you're gonna have to some time. She has stuck to what she said about being done. She's keeping you on the back burner - just incase. Stop being her backup. Her second choice, should something go wrong.

 

Do this: Step back from it, look from someone else's perspective. Read this thread as if someone else wrote it. You'll find that you're thinking emotionally. Do the 180 (search for it on this site). No contact with her - at all. The only time you should interact with her is if she's serious about coming back or sorting out the divorce. NOTHING ELSE! Sort yourself out. SHE left. She doesn't deserve anything from you. Not money nor emotional support. Enough is enough. Move on.

 

her not considering marriage again unless she got the perfect ring and wedding.

 

Seriously? That's what she wants out of a marriage? Run, bro.

[Steadfast]

Couples rarely go their separate ways just like that. The Titanic sunk to the bottom, but not before slowly seeping, breaking in half and bobbing around.

 

You'll look back at this one day and realize yes; you handled it all wrong.

 

She's not confused. She's done

 

Well put. Mike? You're confused and not done. Where does that leave you?

 

There is no point going through everything again. She'll call, you'll come running and hoping. At some point, it'll finally sink in. Until then, good luck.

[mr.mike]

Thanks for all the advice. I realize that I made emotional choices while she was here. She's manipulating me, whether she's aware of it or not, into getting what she wants. Her happiness depends on getting what she wants and taking as much as she can, and it always has. If she doesn't get her wants met, she will become angry and try to get her wants met that way. Her therapy obviously hasn't helped her with this problem.

 

It's true, it is time to move on. Holding on to hope that she will change her mind isn't going to help me, and it will just leave me feeling used while prolonging the pain. I can't change her mind, only she can. I can only control myself.

Edited March 7, 2013 by mr.mike

[mr.mike]

I'm not doing so well today. My wife and I haven't had much contact in 3 weeks, except for her calling me 3 times on my birthday last week and an email that she didn't get the jobs she applied for. Then she called me today to say she has a new phone and number. She's been asking if she's bothering me when she calls, and she questioned why I didn't answer her call earlier today when I called her back hours later.

 

I know I need to let go. It's just a difficult day, especially knowing that she's pulling away more and more. Our anniversary is in 2 days, which makes it even harder. I'm trying to stay strong and continue to work on myself with the help of my therapist. I know things will get better.

[SuperGeek]

Do yourself a favor and stay NC and do not reply to her breadcrumbs. No phone calls, emails, texts, nothing. Just don't respond to her at all. What the hell would you talk to her about anyway? How she is off to greener pastures soon? Spare yourself the emotional damage continued contact with her will do to you.

 

Move on man. I know it sucks. Trust me I know. It gets better.

 

SuperGeek

[mr.mike]

I'm feeling much better lately. My therapy has really helped me become a happier person. I've learned how to meet my needs through skill building and rethinking, which I will always be able to fall back on if I start to have angry or depressed thoughts.

 

I don't think about my wife as much. I haven't contacted her in 3 weeks since I emailed her on our anniversary to say that I was thinking of her and working on myself, and hopefully she's doing the same. She replied with "I'm glad that you remember this year. Just because I'm not there right?!!!! I'm doing well trying my maximum to be happy and be myself. Happy anniversary! Love mrs.mike".

 

My wife texted me a picture the following week of herself with her sister and visiting brother, which was 2 weeks ago. No contact since then, which I plan to continue. Even if she did want to reconcile, it would take a lot of work and therapy for me to want her back.

 

I will set a date soon for taking the next step and filing.

[aMguilts]

glad you are feeling better

 

one thing i dont get is why she changed her number and then still keeps on contacting you ( well i do get the reason why, but dont give in to her)

ignore her stupid little breadcrumbs, and keep on working on yourself.

 

no more contacting her either, you will just put yourself back to day 1.

 

keep going mike

you`ll doing good

 

aM

[mr.mike]

Thanks. I'm almost certain that she had the new number before coming here to tell me it was over back in January, thinking I might shut her phone off immediately. She just didn't tell me about it until a few weeks ago.

Edited April 15, 2013 by mr.mike

[aMguilts]

Thanks. I'm almost certain that she had the new number before coming here to tell me it was over back in January, thinking I might shut her phone off immediately. She just didn't tell me about it until a few weeks ago.

 

she is just throwing you crumbs

 

take her number out of your phone

if she does contact you, just ignore it

 

in bold... she is throwing you bait. she will want to know about what you are doing and more importantly with whom( whether or not there is someone else in your life is irrelevant)

 

again , she` is throwing you bait, the VERY second you reply to her, she has you hooked and you are in the net. caught.

 

what else are you doing to move on ?

 

aM

[mr.mike]

Update - My therapy process is complete, but I'm still going every couple weeks to make sure it sticks. I haven't spoken to my wife in over a month. We only exchanged a couple texts, where she sent me pictures of her and her family. It's been almost 3 weeks with no contact.

 

I know the 180, and I have tried to stick to it. I also know that it's for myself and not to win her back. But, if my wife complained of being neglected during our marriage, is staying dark with only her initiating contact the best tactic? My therapist suggested going to visit my friends and family near where she is, and see if she will meet to discuss our future or lack thereof. Otherwise, with no contact there won't be any change from where we're at now, and she won't see that I've changed for the better. My therapist also doesn't think I should just file without warning, which will most likely cut off any chance of reconciling. I was thinking of calling her to see if she still feels the same way about our marriage, and if so, then telling her that I need to file to move on. Or should I just stay dark while focusing on myself?

[CarrieT]

Update - My therapy process is complete, but I'm still going every couple weeks to make sure it sticks.

With all due respect, you started this thread only a few months ago. "Therapy is complete???" I have known people who go through transitions like this and are in therapy for years...

 

I'm glad you still going "every couple of weeks" and would suggest that your therapy is far from complete.

 

But, if my wife complained of being neglected during our marriage, is staying dark with only her initiating contact the best tactic? My therapist suggested going to visit my friends and family near where she is, and see if she will meet to discuss our future or lack thereof.

I disagree with your therapist. I would stay NC.

 

Otherwise, with no contact there won't be any change from where we're at now, and she won't see that I've changed for the better.

She needs to reach out to you to even want to see you. You can't show her you have changed just by showing up for a visit. She has to be the one to want to initiate contact. If she doesn't than nothing will have changed.

 

I was thinking of calling her to see if she still feels the same way about our marriage, and if so, then telling her that I need to file to move on. Or should I just stay dark while focusing on myself?

Stay in the dark and focus on yourself. You are far from healed.

[mr.mike]

Thanks for the advice. I meant that the rethinking and skill building process that my therapist was teaching me is complete, but not the therapy itself. I still plan to go to see him to make sure I retain it while also discussing my other issues. I know that I'm not completely healed, especially since I had an emotional breakdown a couple days ago, but I am getting better.

[LIFE.GOES.wrONg]

Stay strong mike and i agree with what CarrieT says.

 

One of toughest things I'm realizing is that, even though my wife left me, the divorce has to be *my* choice. I can't go back because of what she's done and I can't move forward with her in my life.

[mr.mike]

No contact is rough. I find myself getting more emotional the last few days. I guess it's finally sinking in that she's gone for good. Hopefully the pain will subside soon. I have felt this pain before. I tried no contact for 4 months with my first love 11 years ago, and then she decided that although she still had feelings for me she felt anger and didn't want any chance of romance with me again. I was crushed then, and I lived with regret for a long time. That's probably why I question going NC now.

 

I know that I'm stronger than I used to be. I'm really glad that I now have faith in myself to meet my needs and be happy.

[mr.mike]

Well, my wife just called to say that she's sending me legal separation documents from the court. This is after she asked me the last two weeks to cover her medical bills, which I told her I would since she's on our insurance. She still wants to move on and doesn't see herself with me again. She says there's no one else, but she doesn't want to be married anymore, especially to someone in another state. She's also not willing to work on our relationship even if I moved near her. She doesn't want IC or MC, and she says she's happy now starting over. She wants this process to be easy and says she doesn't want anything from me. I guess I don't need to set a date to file anymore. It looks like I'll be contacting a divorce attorney soon.

 

Any advice?

[mr.mike]

My wife's sister came here with the separation papers last night. Apparently my wife has been testing me to see how much I care since she left. She has been flip flopping on wanting to try again or move on. When I told her 3 months ago that I wouldn't support her financially as a husband if she wasn't willing to support me as a wife and work on our marriage, she was really hurt and has been holding that against me. She doesn't think I've changed because she thinks I'm still mistreating her by cutting off support and that I don't care about her. It feels like anything I do is the wrong thing with regards to her.

[2sunny]

She doesn't intend to work on the M... Unless you pay her way... That's a load of crap!

 

Tell her to support herself. I'd get busy moving forward if I were you.

[mr.mike]

I didn't have a chance to look at the documents until now. My wife actually wants a summary dissolution not a legal separation, and she isn't asking for anything from the divorce. As she said she just wants this to be easy. A summary dissolution is an "easy divorce" for people that want a simple way out of a marriage in California. It is a divorce without lawyers or expenses as long as we both agree to the terms. It seems there's nothing more I can do to try and reconcile. Her sister told me that my wife was considering reconciling 3 months ago when she visited me, but she decided against it after I told her that I wouldn't help her anymore unless she worked on the marriage.

Edited May 26, 2013 by mr.mike

[Steadfast]

Her sister told me that my wife was considering reconciling 3 months ago when she visited me, but she decided against it after I told her that I wouldn't help her anymore unless she worked on the marriage.

 

Before you go to sleep tonight, get on your knees and thank God she's gone. Pray with thanksgiving that you didn't have children. You have been given a gift Mike; a gift few of us (or our children...) have received. Truly.

 

Told her sister?!? Drama and manipulation. Games. Why didn't she tell you Mike? Why not just lay her cards on the table? Because she wants control.

 

Let her have it with someone else. Some other fool. She'll find one. They're everywhere. Just make sure you've learned your lesson. Reward is for those who deserve it, not for those who demand it. You are a lucky man.

[mr.mike]

Over the past month nothing has changed between my wife and I. Her main focus is the divorce now. I've been contacting divorce attorneys all day to check my options, and I recalled that I first met my wife four years ago today. I was thinking of sending this email to my wife since she acts mostly on emotion and focuses on emotional events:

 

"Hi mrs.mike,

 

It's hard to believe that four years ago tonight you popped out your front door and said "let's go", which led to what I thought was the love of both our lives. I can still remember that day as if it was yesterday. And now I'm filling out divorce papers. You know that I would do whatever it takes to fix our problems, but I know that's not what you want anymore. I learned a lot about myself from our relationship and what I needed to do to improve and be happy with myself. Thank you for that. I hope you find the happiness you're looking for.

 

Take care,

 

mr.mike"

 

What do you think? Is there any upside to a farewell message like this? Regardless I still plan on going through with the divorce.