well, my coworker hates me, it seems. what's my play?

[socrushed]

I had a huge crush on my coworker for a year. We had a whole exchange where she rejected me and i cold shouldered her for a year. I made several threads here about it.

 

Now, i went back to her shift and we started talking and being really friendly and occasionally, flirty. She's a flirty person in general. Then the next day she flirted with a bunch of other guys and that invoked intense feelings of sadness and jealousy in me. So i went right back to the cold shouldering. I brush off every attempt to be flirty or touchy with me.

 

Yesterday she got mad at me for something petty. Like, genuinely mad. she's usually such an easy going person. I work in her division and everyone was joking/talking about which division i actually belong in, and she smiled and said in a joking tone "this division is getting sick of you". but I think she meant it.

 

She's been in this company for 10 years and everyone loves her, im pretty sure. because she's such a friendly and nice and flirty person and this is a male dominate workforce. If she wants, she could **** me over so bad. If not in my job, then in my reputation.

 

I don't know if she'll actually do that. I'm sure she won't lie to get me fired or anything, but she might make small remarks every now and then to supervisors that i'm lazy or something to make me look bad. Just some passive aggressive stuff that will add up.

 

Oh, and i still have a big crush on her and get jealous every time i see her flirt with guys.

 

Quitting this job is not an option.

 

What should I do? Do i give her a speech that i'm only acting this way towards her because I actually have the biggest crush on her and think she's the coolest girl ever but i need to keep my distance because it hurts having a crush on someone who doesn't feel the same way? Or do I continue this cycle and let things run its course?

 

 

The 2nd option seems insane, but it has the benefit of seeing her ugly side, which would maybe allow me to move on and get over her faster. If I do the first option, she might become flirty again and cause my crush to grow stronger. I don't want to be her little plaything anymore.. but i just can't help it when she bats her eyelashes at me.

Edited January 25, 2013 by socrushed

[TheFinalWord]

I had a huge crush on my coworker for a year. We had a whole exchange where she rejected me and i cold shouldered her for a year. I made several threads here about it.

 

Now, i went back to her shift and we started talking and being really friendly and occasionally, flirty. She's a flirty person in general. Then the next day she flirted with a bunch of other guys and that invoked intense feelings of sadness and jealousy in me. So i went right back to the cold shouldering. I brush off every attempt to be flirty or touchy with me.

 

Yesterday she got mad at me for something petty. Like, genuinely mad. she's usually such an easy going person. I work in her division and everyone was joking/talking about which division i actually belong in, and she smiled and said in a joking tone "this division is getting sick of you". but I think she meant it.

 

She's been in this company for 10 years and everyone loves her, im pretty sure. because she's such a friendly and nice and flirty person and this is a male dominate workforce. If she wants, she could **** me over so bad. If not in my job, then in my reputation.

 

I don't know if she'll actually do that. I'm sure she won't lie to get me fired or anything, but she might make small remarks every now and then to supervisors that i'm lazy or something to make me look bad. Just some passive aggressive stuff that will add up.

 

Oh, and i still have a big crush on her and get jealous every time i see her flirt with guys.

 

Quitting this job is not an option.

 

What should I do? Do i give her a speech that i'm only acting this way towards her because I actually have the biggest crush on her and think she's the coolest girl ever but i need to keep my distance because it hurts having a crush on someone who doesn't feel the same way? Or do I continue this cycle and let things run its course?

 

 

The 2nd option seems insane, but it has the benefit of seeing her ugly side, which would maybe allow me to move on and get over her faster. If I do the first option, she might become flirty again and cause my crush to grow stronger. I don't want to be her little plaything anymore.. but i just can't help it when she bats her eyelashes at me.

 

Firstly, you are not thinking entirely rationally. In cases of unrequited love, we tend to extrapolate the person's behaviors in a way that centers around us (the object we want them to desire). In reality, she probably does not even consider you at all unless she directly interacts with you. If you were an object of her desire she would have responded differently in the past when she rejected you. There is minimal chance she is "out to get you" or thinks about you at all, unless its in passing. At best, she is flirty like you say and just likes the attention you give her as a form of validation. Do not interpret it as anything more than this. You need to de-construct the fantasy of her you have in your mind. That's the first step.

 

Once you collect your rational thoughts, it is time to assess your behavior to minimize the development of a negative relationship between you two in the workplace. If she rejected you once than do not attempt to explain yourself to her. What good will come of it beside making things even more awkward? In general, jealous behaviors will repel most sane women so your explanation will do nothing to increase her desire for you. If you give your current explanation to her, and she feels awkward or threatened by it she could have a case to make about sexual harassment. You asked her out once, and it is not recommend to keep pressing romantic issues in the work place.

 

Your best bet is to become strictly professional. Also, you are overly paranoid about her ability to affect your professional destiny IMHO (unless you give her grounds for sexual harassment). If you are a good worker, the results will show and any comments about laziness will not be taken seriously (if they are actually ever made; IMHO you are fantasizing a doomsday scenario to project yourself as important in her world, when you are not). The main negative response a good worker will get from colleagues is jealousy. Unless the supervisor is jealous of you too (which can happen) there is nothing to be concerned about.

 

Acting angry towards her is not very beneficial to the situation; similarly, flirting with her is not either. Treat her in the same way you would treat any other female co-worker. You will have to become strictly professional and separate your feelings from reality.

 

You will also need to maintain your composure. If she is flirting around other men and you feel anger towards her, stop, take a breath, and remain cordial in appearance. Do not project your anger onto her.

 

If she becomes flirty with you, there is nothing wrong with saying "I would appreciate you not touching me in that manner" in an assertive, yet respectful way. Create a zone of personal space (most people like three feet) and do not allow her to come into it. You should be cordial with her, but you do not need to build an intimate relationship with her at work. Just stay professional, courteous, and stop projecting yourself as important in her world.

Edited January 26, 2013 by TheFinalWord

[socrushed]

that was a really good post, thank you.

 

I've done this dance with her before so many times, and i'm finally starting to see how warped my thinking is. Even though every fiber in my being is telling me those thoughts are true, experience is beginning to teach me that they're not. Your post made me realize that. thank you.

[TheFinalWord]

that was a really good post, thank you.

 

I've done this dance with her before so many times, and i'm finally starting to see how warped my thinking is. Even though every fiber in my being is telling me those thoughts are true, experience is beginning to teach me that they're not. Your post made me realize that. thank you.

 

Glad it helped! And sorry if it came across as harsh, but I have been in one of those situations before and the advice will save your sanity

 

Best thing is to let it go, try not to interpret her actions as anything towards being interested in you. Be cordial, but do not let her get under your skin. When you notice a thought, capture it, and rebuke it (out loud if you have to; research stress management and verbal affirmations)...refrain from dwelling on the thought of her being interested or being angry when she flirts. IMHO, workplace romances are typically ill-advised. As messy as the situation is now, just imagine if you were in a relationship and broke up. Things could be much worse. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure

[CC12]

What should I do? Do i give her a speech that i'm only acting this way towards her because I actually have the biggest crush on her and think she's the coolest girl ever but i need to keep my distance because it hurts having a crush on someone who doesn't feel the same way? Or do I continue this cycle and let things run its course?

 

Please don't give her a speech. That is a workplace and there's no room for any romantic confessions. You should also not continue the cycle of being nice to her until she flirts with other guys. Just be nice to her all the time, and if you can't (or don't want to) manage that, at least be cordial and professional.

 

I know emotions are a funny thing, and jealousy is one of the most irrational and difficult to deal with, but you've got to keep that in check. The way you're treating her is actually kind of harsh. You're nice only if she seems romantically or sexually available to you. When you realize that's not the case, suddenly she's not worthy of your friendliness so you give her the cold shoulder. That may be how she interprets it, anyway. I've been on the receiving end of that behavior and it really sucks to think that someone is only friendly because he wants something. It feels like they don't really see me as a person, just a thing that they want to have. It's a weird sort of possessiveness. Anyway, something for you to think about.

 

I don't know if she'll actually do that. I'm sure she won't lie to get me fired or anything, but she might make small remarks every now and then to supervisors that i'm lazy or something to make me look bad. Just some passive aggressive stuff that will add up.

 

Why do you think she might do this? Does she have a history of being like insanely malicious? If not, that's a strange concern to have.

[socrushed]

Please don't give her a speech. That is a workplace and there's no room for any romantic confessions. You should also not continue the cycle of being nice to her until she flirts with other guys. Just be nice to her all the time, and if you can't (or don't want to) manage that, at least be cordial and professional.

 

I know emotions are a funny thing, and jealousy is one of the most irrational and difficult to deal with, but you've got to keep that in check. The way you're treating her is actually kind of harsh. You're nice only if she seems romantically or sexually available to you. When you realize that's not the case, suddenly she's not worthy of your friendliness so you give her the cold shoulder. That may be how she interprets it, anyway. I've been on the receiving end of that behavior and it really sucks to think that someone is only friendly because he wants something. It feels like they don't really see me as a person, just a thing that they want to have. It's a weird sort of possessiveness. Anyway, something for you to think about.

 

 

 

Why do you think she might do this? Does she have a history of being like insanely malicious? If not, that's a strange concern to have.

 

ok.. that bugs me. If that's really how she interprets it, i want to explain myself to her. i want to tell her the reason i'm acting this way is because i'm extremely hurt since i have such strong feelings for her. i want her to know i have nothing against her and i actually respect her and look up to her a lot.

 

****, is this just my emotions tricking me into making an excuse to talk to her about my feelings for the slim chance that she might reciprocate them?

[favoritepills]

ok.. that bugs me. If that's really how she interprets it, i want to explain myself to her. i want to tell her the reason i'm acting this way is because i'm extremely hurt since i have such strong feelings for her. i want her to know i have nothing against her and i actually respect her and look up to her a lot.

 

****, is this just my emotions tricking me into making an excuse to talk to her about my feelings for the slim chance that she might reciprocate them?

Listen to the other people in this thread and don't explain anything. It'll just make things worse, and create a stronger case against you for sexual harassment. She already knows your feelings and rejected you -- just accept that for what it is. Not trying to say this in a harsh way, just being straightforward; I know from experience that it's a difficult truth to accept.

 

Just be kind. Treat her like a colleague worthy of respect, just like you claim she is.

[socrushed]

well, i don't know if this is considered flirting or not, but i guess i've been pushing her away in a teasing/joking way. And we've been doing some playful banters with that....

 

 

and it's making me crush. because she's giving off signs of attraction. She's going out of her way to get my attention.

 

please convince me that she's not attracted to me and that i have no chance with her. I see her texting at night before she goes home(we work night shift so this is at midnight), so i assume that's her boyfriend she's texting..

 

i keep daydreaming about our past banters we've had, and what new ones we will have when i see her again. it's making my infatuations grow much stronger. i want her so bad now, even though my original intention was to push her away and let her know i'm not interested in flirting.

 

i'm like a junkie and this woman is my drug. How do i quit?

[CC12]

i'm like a junkie and this woman is my drug. How do i quit?

 

Can you ask to be transferred to a different department where you won't have to communicate with her at all?