confusedgemini Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 I'm 20 years old and i got married to my 23 year old husband about 5 month ago things are great even though we live in different places due to studies and stuff and we get along really good.we fight every now and then about random stuff but nothing major...I know i found the right guy, hes nice and sweet and heading on the right path..now the thing is i met a guy 4 months ago we have classes together and we get along great..i get the feeling that he likes me and although i didn't think much of it in the start but now ive started thinking about him random situations where if i wasn't married id approach him or if my marriage falls apart id be with him...I feel myself attracted to him but i still love my husband im confused, I like this guy we are great Friends and i like talking to him and Ive started to think about him all the time, he matches my type to which my husband is the exact opposite..i want these feeling to stop, i love my husband and i feel unfaithful how do i stop this and why is this happening. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 You won't want to hear this, but you got married too young. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 Actually, I think you mean 'Waaay too young'. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedgemini Posted January 25, 2013 Author Share Posted January 25, 2013 (edited) I cant change that and i get that feeling too sometimes but i had to get married at some point..how does all this tie in with my age? and hes young too and its not like he doesnt pay attention to me he does a lot i don't know why im getting all these confusing feelings i dont want to end up doing something stupid. Edited January 25, 2013 by confusedgemini Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 You already did something stupid. you got married way too young. Did nobody in your family object, or warn you, or suggest maybe you should wait a while? Particularly as you two are separated by educational demands.... If I wanted to be completely honest, I would seek an amicable divorce - or agree to have an open marriage. For feelings to arise, for another man, so quickly after your marriage, is frankly, as clear an indication as you could get that not only were you hasty - but that, no matter how fond you are of him - your husband doesn't COMPLETELY float your boat. He couldn't - or else, getting feelings of attraction for another guy wouldn't be a feature, even.... You guys need to sit and have a talk. Because the maxim "Act in haste repent at leisure" surely do apply here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 I cant change that and i get that feeling too sometimes but i had to get married at some point..how does all this tie in with my age? and hes young too and its not like he doesnt pay attention to me he does a lot i don't know why im getting all these confusing feelings i dont want to end up doing something stupid. How does it tie in? You are 20. Your brain hasn't even finished developing yet. Yes, believe it or not, you will be much smarter in 4-5 years. You will slao have a much better idea of who you are, and what you want out of life. You live apart. Here you are on the cusp of you new life as an adult and you are tied down to someone who doesn't even live with you. Immature decision. You haven't even begun to meet all the people you could possibly have an interest in. You should allow yourself to grow as yourself. The fact that you have an interest in this guy should be telling enough. I'm not going to tell you what to do in terms of your marriage, but going by experience, in several years you will regret staying where you are. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedgemini Posted January 25, 2013 Author Share Posted January 25, 2013 that made me feel worse..ummm we dont have a choice about living apart for now,I have to change my country to be with him so its a hastle..and i dont want to fall into that pit of doubt that i made the wrong decision which this new guy is pulling me towards..he doesnt even lead me on its just general stuff like holding my books or saving me a seat,,maybe i feel deprived cuz my husbands so far away Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedgemini Posted January 25, 2013 Author Share Posted January 25, 2013 and our marriage was arranged...he was a highly recommended proposal so I said yes and we havent lived lived together for long, about a week then he had to go back and thats the thing i dont want a divorce in my fantasy maybe i imagine the other guy but i dont want anything like that to happen in reality. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 and our marriage was arranged...he was a highly recommended proposal so I said yes and we havent lived lived together for long, about a week then he had to go back and thats the thing i dont want a divorce in my fantasy maybe i imagine the other guy but i dont want anything like that to happen in reality. I certainly didn't mean to make you feel bad, just calling it as I see it. I will also admit that I do not understand the concept of arranged marriages. I really thought died out about 200 years ago, so forgive my insensitivity on the subject. I don't really understand how you can expect to be married to someone you don't even know you are in love with. Arranged marriage = arranged miserable. I wish you the best, but your feelings for this other man are natural. You have been deprived of the opportunity to make your own choices, and I feel for you on that. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
TheGuard13 Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 Could just be a crush. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedgemini Posted January 25, 2013 Author Share Posted January 25, 2013 Thanks I didn't exactly get what I was looking for but feels good to at least let it all out Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedgemini Posted January 25, 2013 Author Share Posted January 25, 2013 Having a crush doesn't count as unfaithful does it.. I'm not planning on pursuing anything or anyone other then my husband I'm just waiting for for this feeling to die down Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 It depends how much you act on it... reciprocating and flirting rapidly becomes an EA..... or risks doing so. Whatever you do though, is immaterial. What's worrying is that it happened at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Ninja'sHusband Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 I hear this a lot from women. It's normal to be attracted to other people. There's nothing wrong with you. It doesn't mean your marriage is doomed. It doesn't mean you are a bad person. I was married for 14 years and was constantly attracted to other women, I think most guys are, but I never cheated. It seems to me that women finding guys they are attracted to is a lot less common so when it happens they freak out. It's OK. You just need to set boundaries and control yourself. Just because you are attracted to someone doesn't mean you need to act on it. Be faithful to your husband, you vowed to do that and forsake all others. I bet you he's attracted to gobs of other women and yet controls himself. Marriage is about devotion and work as well as sometimes wonderful magical fuzzy feelings. Again set boundaries. Don't talk to this guy too much, especially not about marital issues. Don't be alone with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 I don't know if I agree with "married to young" thing. In western cultures we have this view of marriage that people are suppose to go live a wild life and then settle down in their late 20's or early 30's. We think we have it figured out but the rest of the world has had a different view of marriage that has lasted for thousands of years and its worked. And lets all be honest marriage in the west has become a joke. Divorce is the norm and cheating is on the rise. I don't think it hasanything to do with 'living a wild life'. It has to do with maturing and learning who you are. Yes, other cultures do have differing view on that, but a lot of what you say has 'worked' is a lot of people that are forced to stay in miderable marriages because of cultural pressures. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Thegameoflife Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 I don't know if I agree with "married to young" thing. In western cultures we have this view of marriage that people are suppose to go live a wild life and then settle down in their late 20's or early 30's. We think we have it figured out but the rest of the world has had a different view of marriage that has lasted for thousands of years and its worked. And lets all be honest marriage in the west has become a joke. Divorce is the norm and cheating is on the rise. The difference between those cultures and ours, is that the man and woman have set roles. Marriage was designed around the idea of gender roles being the symbiotic relationship that creates stability in the family unit. Most conflicts are eliminated by these set roles, and expectations for each partner to fulfill these roles. Link to post Share on other sites
Thegameoflife Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 I don't think it hasanything to do with 'living a wild life'. It has to do with maturing and learning who you are. Yes, other cultures do have differing view on that, but a lot of what you say has 'worked' is a lot of people that are forced to stay in miderable marriages because of cultural pressures. Are people not staying in a ton of miserable marriages in western culture because of cultural pressures? I mean, 50% of marriages fail, and out of the other 50% of marriages that last, how many of those people are miserable? Let's say 50% of those marriages that last are unhappy too, but didn't fail do to pressures of kids and culture to not divorce. We could be looking at numbers like 75% of marriages, possibly higher, being miserable ones. That's an epidemic of miserable homes. It's funny, because successful businesses function on everyone having a role, and there being a chain of command. I wouldn't invest in a company where everyone just pitches in here and there, and hope things work out. I would invest in a company that has excellent structure, including specific roles of function from the top down for all the employees. Look at how we run our families. Two leaders, both having different ideas of how things should be run. Everything must now be argued over, debated, with one person feeling that things are one sided in most marriages. The proof of this can be found right here throughout this message board. The west is just awesome when it comes to marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
sLiPpeTh Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 Why is it today's females aren't able to sincerely commit? Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 (edited) I'm 20 years old and i got married to my 23 year old husband about 5 month ago things are great even though we live in different places due to studies and stuff and we get along really good.we fight every now and then about random stuff but nothing major...I know i found the right guy, hes nice and sweet and heading on the right path..now the thing is i met a guy 4 months ago we have classes together and we get along great..i get the feeling that he likes me and although i didn't think much of it in the start but now ive started thinking about him random situations where if i wasn't married id approach him or if my marriage falls apart id be with him...I feel myself attracted to him but i still love my husband im confused, I like this guy we are great Friends and i like talking to him and Ive started to think about him all the time, he matches my type to which my husband is the exact opposite..i want these feeling to stop, i love my husband and i feel unfaithful how do i stop this and why is this happening. Well confused...IMHO, just too damn bad. You made the commitment, now show some integrity and honor it. Based upon your post, your husband has done nothing to deserve your lack of respect for him..you just sound lonely. On another note, your post makes you sound immature...hence why everyone says you were too young to get married....I agree with a minor modification..you were too immature to get married. Edited January 26, 2013 by standtall Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedgemini Posted January 26, 2013 Author Share Posted January 26, 2013 Well confused...IMHO, just too damn bad. You made the commitment, now show some integrity and honor it. Based upon your post, your husband has done nothing to deserve your lack of respect for him..you just sound lonely. On another note, your post makes you sound immature...hence why everyone says you were too young to get married....I agree with a minor modification..you were too immature to get married. I know and I don't plan on taking any wrong step I honor my vows and i know i wouldn't have found anyone better to take them with he's too good for me. And maybe I am immature my husband and parents point that out on a daily basis but I can't grow up in an instant and i always thought I'd b married at 26-28 cuz then ill b mature enough but it happened soon Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedgemini Posted January 26, 2013 Author Share Posted January 26, 2013 OP, It is natural to be attracted to people of the opposite sex. The thing you have to understand (and this is where being young plays a part) is boundaries. Unexperienced people do not understand this concept You need to know what is appropriate and what is not. Keep your contact with this other guy minimal, do not hang out with him alone, do not contact via social networks, and never admit your feelings to him. I don't plan on taking telling him or anyone anything I found this forum cux, I didn't want to tell this to anyone I know... And other guy and I have the same group of friends we hang out as a group.... We aren't really alone alot maybe once in awhile when my cars late he hangs back for company. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedgemini Posted January 26, 2013 Author Share Posted January 26, 2013 Why is it today's females aren't able to sincerely commit? For me it's scarey.. Marriage was too big of a thing for me but I'm working on it..... Till the death do us part and nothing less Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedgemini Posted January 26, 2013 Author Share Posted January 26, 2013 I hear this a lot from women. It's normal to be attracted to other people. There's nothing wrong with you. It doesn't mean your marriage is doomed. It doesn't mean you are a bad person. I was married for 14 years and was constantly attracted to other women, I think most guys are, but I never cheated. It seems to me that women finding guys they are attracted to is a lot less common so when it happens they freak out. It's OK. You just need to set boundaries and control yourself. Just because you are attracted to someone doesn't mean you need to act on it. Be faithful to your husband, you vowed to do that and forsake all others. I bet you he's attracted to gobs of other women and yet controls himself. Marriage is about devotion and work as well as sometimes wonderful magical fuzzy feelings. Again set boundaries. Don't talk to this guy too much, especially not about marital issues. Don't be alone with him. There is no problem with boundaries trust me.. I'm set in mine and he in his the only thing that prompted me to post this was y this feeling happened cuz this is something I don't want or aporovr Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 No point in going on about how young she is, she's married and that's that. Now OP, if you're serious about your marriage and you're developing feeling for the guy then it's best for you to step away from the situation before it develops any further. You say this guy "likes" you? In what sense? Is he flirting with you, hanging out with you in more than a school colleague way? And he knows you are married? Keep things at polite friendly before he escalates the situation and you're headed down a slippery slope that's difficult to come back from. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedgemini Posted January 26, 2013 Author Share Posted January 26, 2013 No point in going on about how young she is, she's married and that's that. Now OP, if you're serious about your marriage and you're developing feeling for the guy then it's best for you to step away from the situation before it develops any further. You say this guy "likes" you? In what sense? Is he flirting with you, hanging out with you in more than a school colleague way? And he knows you are married? Keep things at polite friendly before he escalates the situation and you're headed down a slippery slope that's difficult to come back from. He knows I'm married he has ever since we became friends.. And it's general stuff not flirting but just caring a bit more then all the other girls in our group... And things are polite and there's nothing that indicates anything there's no slope Link to post Share on other sites
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