The Bottle or US

[Sue or Bud]

I am in a serious relationship with the father of our first born we have a great relationship he is very caring and romantic (when he in not at the bar) he is great as far as knowing how to treat a girl with respect and make her feel loved the problem is that he has a very bad drinking problem he likes to drink on a daily basis not always getting drunk but is very dependant on the bottle. He works every day until 6pm and has to stop off at the bar until 8 or 9 and I have to wake up at 5 am for work so that don't leave us much time. How can I get him to spend more time with me and our son. I really want this to work but I don't want him to think i am trying to control him.

[Ed]

Your post indicates that you are a very forgiving person. You apparently tend to look on the bright side of things and not complain too much. The first part of your message describes your companion as the perfect mate. But then you get into the stuff about the drinking. Considering the amount of time he spends away from home, I can understand why that bothers you.

 

From the perspective of a drinker, there is not a problem, unless the drinker thinks there is one. And they are usually the last one to realize it or admit it. All people who drink alcohol do so under the assumption that they are in control. They do not need or want anyone suggesting that there is a problem. Drinkers also rationalize their drinking to themselves and to others in order to maintain their belief that it is not a problem and they are in control.

 

I suspect that you have already discussed the drinking thing with him. If not, then you have overheard him talking about it to someone else. Your post tells me you have a tendency to rationalize his drinking too. Although being concerned about the drinking situation, you explain it away by telling how good he is to you and that he doesn't always get drunk. Even though it's true that he is a good man and cares for you very much, it's still a rationalization. You have taken a step, though, that many people do not take. You realize that there "may" be a problem and you want to talk to somebody about it.

 

It seems that the biggest issue for you here is his time away from home. If you intend to approach him about this, I think I would go at from the angle of "his time away from home", not "his drinking". See if you can find some things for all of you to do together, after he gets off work or on weekends, that does not involve drinking. Try to get out of the house once a week or so. You also need to find a reliable babysitter so that the two of you can spend time together, alone or with other friends.

[Tony T]

The man is a serious alcoholic and there's nothing you can do about it. He is the one who will have to decide to dry out, maybe after he kills a few people while he is drunk and driving on the way home...maybe after you leave him...or maybe when the doctor tells him his liver is going bad and he has only months to live.

 

Meanwhile, you don't stand a chance of happiness with this man. Sorry.

 

Go to the links section of this website...look under addiction and recovery. There you will find excellent resources on alcholism, codependency, and many other issues that will be helpful to you in dealing with your guy and the pain he will create in your life.

 

There is no way to sugarcoat my response here. Your life will be very difficult with this man and if he continues his drinking, your child will suffer greatly, both emotionally and/or physicially during important growing years.

[Deejette]

He has cast his vote about what is more important to him, spending more time with you, or hanging out at the bar after work and then going home.

 

He may be treating you very well when you are together, but what would his behavior be like if you took away the bottle? You may be having a love-affair with the the alcohol in his blood and brain and not even with the real person, straight and sober.

The man is a serious alcoholic and there's nothing you can do about it. He is the one who will have to decide to dry out, maybe after he kills a few people while he is drunk and driving on the way home...maybe after you leave him...or maybe when the doctor tells him his liver is going bad and he has only months to live. Meanwhile, you don't stand a chance of happiness with this man. Sorry. Go to the links section of this website...look under addiction and recovery. There you will find excellent resources on alcholism, codependency, and many other issues that will be helpful to you in dealing with your guy and the pain he will create in your life. There is no way to sugarcoat my response here. Your life will be very difficult with this man and if he continues his drinking, your child will suffer greatly, both emotionally and/or physicially during important growing years.