Just a vent... but at breaking point

[loveunlimited]

I was married before, for a long time. My ex- went off sex. Don't know why, but our marriage was virtually sexless for longer than I care to admit. far too long. So we divorced.

 

Now, I'm remarried. No kids.

And to begin with it was wonderful, although my husband hardly ever ejaculated inside me.... little red flags appeared but you know how love makes you ignore those.... stupid huh, yes I know.....

Now he is diagnosed with diabetes type 2. He smokes, takes medication, is a little overweight but not grossly so.... but he has no libido, possible ED, and here I go again.

 

There is no Romance.

I go round to spend time with a friend, who has no TV, but she loves to watch movies. last night we watched "French Kiss" (Meg Ryan, Kevin Kline) and then she wanted to see "The Switch" (Jennifer Aniston, Jason Bateman).

Two really romantic, soppy and frankly unbelievable-plot films, but escapism never the less. And my heart aches.

There is no Romance in my marriage, we are like ships that pass in the night....

Counselling - out of the question.

he holds counsellors in utter contempt, believing them all to be 100 times more flawed than anyone who goes there....See a Doctor? Why? There's nothing wrong with him.

He is unapproachable.

I cannot talk to him because when i last told him we needed to talk about 'us', he replied exasperated, 'oh what now - ?!' If I suggest we speak and I venture to broach a topic, he asks me to not nag and gets iritated. And I've only just mentioned it, and maybe spoke of it over a month ago. I know better than to keep bringing stuff up because he then goes on the attack and criticises my family, like my mother and my brothers,who he thinks are failures.

 

I need the courage and timing to get out when the time is right. I know that sounds ridiculous but honestly, it is difficult right now to do something like this, because we have a lot of added problems we have to sort first. And its not something either of us can do alone we both need to be involved. I cant go into detail, but honestly, right now, getting out is not an option.

 

I'm just venting and ranting really. I know there's a dedicated thread, but i didn't want to hijack it, and it's a long post. There is only one solution to this, and I have to go for it, and i will, but right now, I needed to get it off my chest because i have absolutely nobody whatsoever to talk to. including my family. They don't like him, and any friends we have are all mutual or through him, so i can't confide in anyone. Thanks for reading.

[loveunlimited]

I read my signature and I think, yeah....In time.

 

Tried to talk to him last night.

Tried the gentle approach - which exasperated him, and he told me to get to the point. So, equally exasperated, I told him what a mess our relationship is, how he is not my husband, I am not his wife.

In a nutshell, he says he wants to get all our existent problems out of the way, THEN he will concentrate on making our relationship whole. But it's been so fractured for so long, I want it to be the priority, not other things.

He doesn't get that this is my priority, that unless we get this straightened out, everything else might just as well hang in the wind and be let go of. I hate being last on a list.

[loveunlimited]

And today, he acts like absolutely nothing happened last night. Like the discussion never existed. Like we never said anything, and no words were exchanged. Hes just brushing it all under the carpet... and you know what scares me, is that even though i can see the elephant in the sitting room, he isn't even aware of it at all, and thinks that if hes not discussing it, then it can't be an issue. its an issue when he says it is. And he will never initiate the talk. Sigh.

[mickleb]

Hi loveunlimited.

 

It sounds like you've got some stuff going on that's a little more serious than just a rant.

 

I'm not married, so don't often go into the Life Partnerships section of this site, but presume you've posted there before?

 

It sounds as though you're planning to divorce your husband as soon as possible, but that there are barriers to that at present. You can still start putting plans in place, if that is what you want to do. Or, perhaps, you haven't quite reached that conclusion yet.

 

I'm sure you can get a lot of practical and emotional support in the other section I mentioned, above. You sound like you need a little of that.

 

Good luck, and hang in there.

[loveunlimited]

Still nothing....so sad.

I miss him so much...kisses me on the lips, hugs me... looks at me with love...but nothing more.

 

Told me a short while ago:

"I know it's something I like and want ... but when it comes down to it, I just can't bring myself to have the desire to do it..."

However, he would not be drawn further, and turned away, indicating the discussion was over...

 

I have two vibrators. I can't even face using them, it distresses me so.

So many factors...but the one I know is probably at the forefront, is the 'loves me but isn't in love with me' one.

what can I do....

[dreamingoftigers]

Still nothing....so sad.

I miss him so much...kisses me on the lips, hugs me... looks at me with love...but nothing more.

 

Told me a short while ago:

"I know it's something I like and want ... but when it comes down to it, I just can't bring myself to have the desire to do it..."

However, he would not be drawn further, and turned away, indicating the discussion was over...

 

I have two vibrators. I can't even face using them, it distresses me so.

So many factors...but the one I know is probably at the forefront, is the 'loves me but isn't in love with me' one.

what can I do....

 

Hi LU,

 

Kudos to you to keep posting even when your thread is not heavily trafficked.

I realize that it must be difficult to share your story on here, especially since it has gone on for awhile now.

 

I have had a technically sexless relationship for four years. Sexless in a marrisge is defined as less than 10 times per year. Although to be fair I think last year we hit 13. Yay us. but it isn't regular at all. I've gone eight mints or so without. I've had months where he hasn't touched me at all.

 

In my case there was sexual/pornography addiction present in my husband, preceded by a very tumultuous childhood-caregiver switches. 5 "fathers", 4 "mothers" in total. Turns out that is incredibly damaging to intimacy. Intimacy in my husband causes anxiety and a fear of bring both controlled and abandoned, but more shamed.

 

I have some questions:

 

So, at this point your marriage has been sexless for how long?

And how long have you been together?

Do you think his health plays a reasonable factor or is there something else?

Does he give you any intimacy at all, or is it just, "I'm not into it, so we're not into it." It sounds like he doesn't because I'm sure that your complaint wouldn't be as strong.

Have you considered counseling or at least a form of support for yourself?

Have you considered sexual therapy?

Is there a correlation between personality traits or circumstances between your ex and your current husband?

Would it be appropriate to ask your ex now what happened with that dynamic to stop the "flow"?

What are you getting from this relationship?

What are you putting in?

It's clear that you hold this as a reflection of how much he loves you.

Why can he not ejaculate? Could this be a major part of the issue: frustration on his part of becoming aroused and then not being able to finish?

Do you find that you have frequent stresses or complaints out side of this issue?

Do you think he might be gay?

Do you think that there might be an outside interest?

Does he use porn? Or does he stimulate himself (to your awareness) in place of being intimate with you?

 

I know that this is quite a battery.

 

What is it that you would like from him?

Do you find other things as difficult to talk about with him, or is this a major trigger?

 

I know that it wears you down and changes how you feel about love and trust on the inside. I know it hurts so much to feel rejected by the one who is supposed to love and cherish you.

 

Human sexuality is so difficult to tackle sometimes. And often it's hard to find answers if you aren't asking the right questions.

 

I also totally understand the vibrators and the distress.

Really, the thought of using them just isn't "fun" in this instance. In fact, it more shamefully reminds you that you feel unwanted. That's quite a mood kill.

 

A lot of folks don't realize that.

Hope you see this. I can tell that you aren't on too much. There's lots of great people on here.

 

One guy left a sexless marriage last year after years of trying. I wonder if he's kicking around. I don't get why some partners just clam up and don't try to fix ànything. It confuses me so much.

[loveunlimited]

I have some questions:

 

So, at this point your marriage has been sexless for how long?

16 months.

 

And how long have you been together?

around 8 or 9 years....

 

Do you think his health plays a reasonable factor or is there something else?

Yes, I'm sure it does. But I think there's a psychological block too.

 

Does he give you any intimacy at all, or is it just, "I'm not into it, so we're not into it." It sounds like he doesn't because I'm sure that your complaint wouldn't be as strong.

No, no intimacy at all.

 

Have you considered counseling or at least a form of support for yourself?

That would be impossible.

If I had counselling, he would have to know. I can't do anything in secret; we do not lead sufficiently independent lives, due to many factors. and if I had counselling, he would want to know why. And if he knew why, the thought of me discussing our private lives with a complete stranger would anger him.

 

Have you considered sexual therapy?

why? what for? for me or him?

 

Is there a correlation between personality traits or circumstances between your ex and your current husband?

none. i've tied to find some kind of similarity but truly its all so dissimilar as to be irrelevant

 

Would it be appropriate to ask your ex now what happened with that dynamic to stop the "flow"?

my ex has died.

 

What are you getting from this relationship?

nothing of any great fulfilment.

 

What are you putting in?

everything you'd care to name.

 

It's clear that you hold this as a reflection of how much he loves you.

no, not necessarily, i don't. that's the problem. I am utterly convinced that he loves me, totally. i know when i am away for any reason, he misses my presence the moment i leave the house. he loves me totally, in his fashion. he just doesn't love me totally the way i need to be loved.

 

Why can he not ejaculate? Could this be a major part of the issue: frustration on his part of becoming aroused and then not being able to finish?

i'm certain it is an issue; but its a psychological 'holding back". i truly believe part of the reason he didn't ejaculate was almost a psychological conviction that he didn't want to commit all of himself. he always holds back from completing anything, even if he seems determined he will. it has to be to his benefit or advantage. i am convinced he has narcissistic traits, big time...

 

Do you find that you have frequent stresses or complaints out side of this issue?

no. outside of this issue i am an extremely contented and fulfilled person.

 

Do you think he might be gay?

theres no question in my mind whatsoever that he is one of the most heterosexual men i have ever met. there is no doubt over his sexuality at all.

 

Do you think that there might be an outside interest?

in the sense of another woman? no. again, i am so certain of this. to entertain a relationship with another woman would countermand any sense of integrity he has.. he is one of the most honest people i have ever met. he may be many things but lying is alien to him

 

Does he use porn? Or does he stimulate himself (to your awareness) in place of being intimate with you?

no, to both. he loves erotic art but its not something he has around the home. he is insuficiently interested in "classic porn" of any kind although he loves pictures with class .to give an example,he has a beautiful book of nudes photographed by Man Ray. he rarely looks at it.

 

What is it that you would like from him?

wht any woman would like from a husband, i suppose. a shared life.

 

Do you find other things as difficult to talk about with him, or is this a major trigger?

he will talk about everything under the sun, but himself.

 

I know that it wears you down and changes how you feel about love and trust on the inside. I know it hurts so much to feel rejected by the one who is supposed to love and cherish you.

theres no question this has changed my views on such things as love. but i do trust him with my life. he truly would take the bullet for me.

 

I also totally understand the vibrators and the distress.

Really, the thought of using them just isn't "fun" in this instance. In fact, it more shamefully reminds you that you feel unwanted. That's quite a mood kill.

completely

 

A lot of folks don't realize that.

Hope you see this. I can tell that you aren't on too much. There's lots of great people on here.

i read a lot.....

 

One guy left a sexless marriage last year after years of trying. I wonder if he's kicking around. I don't get why some partners just clam up and don't try to fix ànything. It confuses me so much.

oh believe me, i have tried. i know what the solution is to my dilemma. the difficulty i face is that actually, he is a great friend and we make each other laugh, a lot. i do love him. we're great company. my sister says she has never seen a couple with such chemistry. and it's a complete paradox to me.

[dreamingoftigers]

Sorry, I've neglected to respond until now. Especially after you answered my battery of Qs.

 

I have some questions:

 

So, at this point your marriage has been sexless for how long?

16 months.

 

My goodness, that's tough.

 

And how long have you been together?

around 8 or 9 years....

That's quite an investment.

 

Do you think his health plays a reasonable factor or is there something else?

Yes, I'm sure it does. But I think there's a psychological block too.

 

Does he give you any intimacy at all, or is it just, "I'm not into it, so we're not into it." It sounds like he doesn't because I'm sure that your complaint wouldn't be as strong.

No, no intimacy at all.

 

Have you considered counseling or at least a form of support for yourself?

That would be impossible.

If I had counselling, he would have to know. I can't do anything in secret; we do not lead sufficiently independent lives, due to many factors. and if I had counselling, he would want to know why. And if he knew why, the thought of me discussing our private lives with a complete stranger would anger him.

 

If it "angered him" what would that look like? Does that make you afraid to rock the boat? Because it sounds as though you need to draw some kind of line in the sand before your spirit takes any more of a beating. There's something almost dehumanizing about having intimacy restricted. You have the worst of both worlds. You are not free to pursue anyone NOR are you able to enjoy the perks of marriage.

 

Eve on here said that a marriage bond should be viewed as a "sacred tie" not a "chain on which to imprison one's self." (Or something like that anyhow.

 

Have you considered sexual therapy?

why? what for? for me or him?

 

You, so that you can better build yourself up to address this.

 

Is there a correlation between personality traits or circumstances between your ex and your current husband?

none. i've tied to find some kind of similarity but truly its all so dissimilar as to be irrelevant

 

fluke?

 

Would it be appropriate to ask your ex now what happened with that dynamic to stop the "flow"?

my ex has died.

Sorry to hear that.

 

What are you getting from this relationship?

nothing of any great fulfilment.

 

Forgive my boldness, but really? None? What ties you there?

 

What are you putting in?

everything you'd care to name.

 

I noticed this in my own marriage, I was over-investing. What if you pulled back? Not to manipulate in any way. I have heard in some cases that men that are "taken care of" well by their wives almost start to view them as surrogate mothers. You've tried to talk to him. That CLEARLY hasn't worked. Ironically one thing that did work was getting effing angry. And then withdrawing. For some reason acting close to nuts sent a message that talking and waiting patiently. I am not saying to have a meltdown but definitely shake up the "comfort routine." Clearly he thinks he doesn't have to put in much effort. You'll still be there right? You're too invested to pull away. Often we as women get scared to put less into a relationship that's imbalance for fear of it crumbling and no one picking up the pieces that we hold. Try it for a bit and see if there's any registered change beyond the initial discomfort. ANY change doesn't mean sexual necessarily. But see in a sense if he is shifted by your motion in any direction. Baby steps I guess.

 

It's clear that you hold this as a reflection of how much he loves you.

no, not necessarily, i don't. that's the problem. I am utterly convinced that he loves me, totally. i know when i am away for any reason, he misses my presence the moment i leave the house. he loves me totally, in his fashion. he just doesn't love me totally the way i need to be loved.

Just to alter something. Humans are very sensitive to changes in their equilibrium.

 

Why can he not ejaculate? Could this be a major part of the issue: frustration on his part of becoming aroused and then not being able to finish?

i'm certain it is an issue; but its a psychological 'holding back". i truly believe part of the reason he didn't ejaculate was almost a psychological conviction that he didn't want to commit all of himself. he always holds back from completing anything, even if he seems determined he will. it has to be to his benefit or advantage. i am convinced he has narcissistic traits, big time...

 

Sounds aberrant. My husband has intimacy issues as well. Here is a link for narcissistic traits:

 

Hallmarks of narcissistic personality disorder - BPD Central

 

Do you find that you have frequent stresses or complaints out side of this issue?

no. outside of this issue i am an extremely contented and fulfilled person.

I meant more with him. It must cause an extreme amount of resent.

 

Do you think he might be gay?

theres no question in my mind whatsoever that he is one of the most heterosexual men i have ever met. there is no doubt over his sexuality at all.

 

Well, that's a minor relief I guess.

 

Do you think that there might be an outside interest?

in the sense of another woman? no. again, i am so certain of this. to entertain a relationship with another woman would countermand any sense of integrity he has.. he is one of the most honest people i have ever met. he may be many things but lying is alien to him

 

Hmm so he just tells you, "I ain't into it"? And somehow that's the Golden Ticket that buys him 16 months away from having a functional marriage? That's not nice.

 

Does he use porn? Or does he stimulate himself (to your awareness) in place of being intimate with you?

no, to both. he loves erotic art but its not something he has around the home. he is insuficiently interested in "classic porn" of any kind although he loves pictures with class .to give an example,he has a beautiful book of nudes photographed by Man Ray. he rarely looks at it.

Since you have a computer, I suggest keylogging it anyhow. I never suspected my husband of a myriad of things and he really surprised me. Just humor me, okay?

 

What is it that you would like from him?

wht any woman would like from a husband, i suppose. a shared life.

 

It seems as though he isn't doing much sharing at all. Considering you're going "all-in." And he's very productive at making excuses, right?so care you think of one thing that he would be willing to share. Baby steps right?

 

Do you find other things as difficult to talk about with him, or is this a major trigger?

he will talk about everything under the sun, but himself.

Well, it's confirmed. He's male.

Know much about his FOO (family of origin)?

 

I know that it wears you down and changes how you feel about love and trust on the inside. I know it hurts so much to feel rejected by the one who is supposed to love and cherish you.

theres no question this has changed my views on such things as love. but i do trust him with my life. he truly would take the bullet for me.

 

Yes, but he won't provide an erection. And you're unlikely to get shot at. (Sorry if that's insensitive).

 

I also totally understand the vibrators and the distress.

Really, the thought of using them just isn't "fun" in this instance. In fact, it more shamefully reminds you that you feel unwanted. That's quite a mood kill.

completely

 

A lot of folks don't realize that.

Hope you see this. I can tell that you aren't on too much. There's lots of great people on here.

i read a lot.....

 

One guy left a sexless marriage last year after years of trying. I wonder if he's kicking around. I don't get why some partners just clam up and don't try to fix ànything. It confuses me so much.

oh believe me, i have tried. i know what the solution is to my dilemma. the difficulty i face is that actually, he is a great friend and we make each other laugh, a lot. i do love him. we're great company. my sister says she has never seen a couple with such chemistry. and it's a complete paradox to me.

 

So, what is the solution then?I am curious what you think it is.

 

Hopefully it involves pool boy.