Dating after the A - The good, the bad, and the ugly.

[promises]

Anyone tried dating since dday?

 

I have gone on a handful of dates and although I've had a few 2nd and 3rd dates, none have even remotely gone anywhere.

 

I've heard some talk on LS about dating after being involved in an A can be difficult as the highs aren't as high and the lows not as low.

 

I have met someone where I workout that I talk to often. I am very attracted to him but there are a few concerns I have about even trying to pursue anything right now.

 

Anyone shed some light on their own experiences?

[ow9]

I agree!* I have found it very difficult as well.* I immediately went on a few dates…but only realized I was trying to fill the void that the exMM had left.

 

Went on two dates with a raging alcoholic, and two dates with a guy who spelled tomorrow with an “a,” and put an “e” in baby (<---I couldn’t make that up if I tried).* I haven’t seen anyone in over a month now, and it feels good to just be single.* To grieve oh-so-many things I’ve been needing to grieve.* I’ll meet someone.* Eventually.* And you will too.* We’re too awesome not to!

[jwi71]

Anyone tried dating since dday?

 

I have gone on a handful of dates and although I've had a few 2nd and 3rd dates, none have even remotely gone anywhere.

 

I've heard some talk on LS about dating after being involved in an A can be difficult as the highs aren't as high and the lows not as low.

 

I have met someone where I workout that I talk to often. I am very attracted to him but there are a few concerns I have about even trying to pursue anything right now.

 

Anyone shed some light on their own experiences?

 

Too soon.

 

You'll be more open to dates and opening yourself up to others when these wounds have healed. There's no rush. Grieve. Cry. Heal. Introspection. Learning. Growth.

 

So...enjoy the dates for what they are...a salve. Its temporary but if it helps your self-confidence go for it. But those feelings will remain - until they don't.

 

...and its PERFECTLY normal to feel that way.

[promises]

Too soon.

 

You'll be more open to dates and opening yourself up to others when these wounds have healed. There's no rush. Grieve. Cry. Heal. Introspection. Learning. Growth.

 

So...enjoy the dates for what they are...a salve. Its temporary but if it helps your self-confidence go for it. But those feelings will remain - until they don't.

 

...and its PERFECTLY normal to feel that way.

 

I'm actually fairly attracted to the friend I've made at the gym. Attracted in a way of - this is a very great guy. But, because I know that. I would much rather NOT try to date him and just be more of a friendly interaction. It wouldn't do me any good to be otherwise right now.

 

How long is long enough..

[jwi71]

How long is long enough..

 

Well shyt if I knew that I would bottle and sell it - not give it away

 

How long is long enough?

 

When you forgive yourself and the xMM - then you are ready to surrender to love (Channeling Khalil Gibran here). See...a softer side

 

People on LS are saying I'm cold and dispassionate and harsh...so here...a motherf_cking bunny being all cute and bouncy and shyt:

 

[promises]

I don't know you, but by reading your posts I would say that you are not ready to date.

 

I have said it many times: Many women that had EMRs have a hard time dating single men. IN any event good luck!

 

I would not want to be any of those guys.

 

Just sayin'

 

Please explain.

[promises]

Maybe it is me.

 

I never dated for the heck of dating. If I dated i was looking for a GF or Miss Right. If any of those guys are like me they will not know they are dating someone that just ended a relationship and it is still unsettled.

 

In other words, I never had any desire to be the rebound guy. But, that is just me. I guess most other men don't care.

 

 

I've never dated for the thrill of it either. Honestly. Prior to this mess. It's getting me no where.

[promises]

As always, that's very sweet of you, MFH.

[neveragain34]

I have recently started dating as well and it's definitely different. After ending affair, my self-esteem was shattered and I was emotionally exhausted so it was hard to be my fun, confident, outgoing self that men are normally attracted to.

 

Now that I'm finally starting to feel good again, I have my fair share of dates to choose from, but it's hard not to expect or crave being put on the same pedestal that the MM had me on. MM are also very good at making you feel/believe that you have an instant connection so when you meet someone new, it can feel like work trying to get to that same level of connection. HOWEVER, as great as they made us feel, we have to remember that the connection was based on lies and much of it was false. We also have to remember the BAD times as well... the nights you stayed up late, sick to your stomach, wondering if your "soulmate" was holding his W or having sex with her...the holidays you couldn't spend with him...the times you wanted to call and tell him something exciting about your day, but couldn't. This was NOT a once in a lifetime love; it was pure selfishness on his end (and on our ends as well).

 

Remembering all this should make us want to RUN the next time we meet someone like exMM, not hope to meet someone like them. Take it as a learning experience.

 

We just need to keep dating, taking it one day at a time and eventually the MM will be a distant memory and we will finally ask ourselves, "what was I thinking?!?"

[SunsetRed]

Dating after the affair is hard. It's still hard for me 2 years later. For me the reason is that my xMM acted more like a husband to me than a boyfriend.

 

He treated me with the type of familiarity that a husband treats a wife. I now can see that he was able to act like a husband because he WAS a husband, he just wasn't my husband. So when I try to date and a man seems a little unpolished or just acts like a regular guy, it doesn't feed my soul that way that MM did.

 

But, MM was just an illusion so I'm either going to stay single or keep trying to find a single man. I will not however cling to any more illusions from a MM.

My poor spirit cant take the bruising and burning that results from when the illusion bursts.

[ow9]

I completely understand how you feel. I've been NC with my ex mm for almost 2 months. He asked me months ago to be his Google Plus friend. I ignored his request because I didn't want anyone to know of our A. I logged on just now and saw his request still in my inbox. I googled how to decline and I called 2 friends on how to ignore his invitation. I can't figure it out. It seems that he will never be out of my life. Mentally and emotionally he is gone. The tiny little reminders he is still in my life come up when I feel at my best. Those best times then become my worst. I had to accept his friendship in order to decline it. God only knows what the ramifications of this will be.

[MissBee]

I've found that when you're raw after any kind of breakup it's not wise to date.

 

Usually you end up dissatisfied with everyone, as you're not giving them a real chance, but still comparing them to the ex/MM or using them as an escape for your pain.

 

My A ended years ago. There was no dday but during NC I rebounded and ended up with some ridiculous guy that I eventually got sick of and I found myself one night after going out with this guy just crying about my exAP. All dating him made me do was miss my exAP. After that one guy I went on a string of other dates and was talking to others and it was always a game of comparison. I wasn't ready. Eventually though I kind of purged myself and was able to date for real and did end up meeting a guy who became my bf, who I didn't compare to my exAP, whom I liked and was attracted to and who treated me well and with whom I was happy, about 10 months after my last conversation with my exAP.

[Catplates]

Pierre is correct about dating difficulties after an A.

 

For a long time, I still had an emotional attachment to the MM. I couldn't bring myself to even hold somebody else's hand, let alone be attracted to another man.

 

That attachment seems to be dissipating now after a couple of years.

 

Promises, I honestly don't think you are ready to date yet. It's not fair to a man if you are not on a level playing field. It's not long since you were still mad about you xMM. You have much to work through and it does take a great deal of time to get over the emotional upheaval you have and probably still are living through.

 

Try to focus on your friends and family if possible. Be with them as much as possible and try to regain your old self before you embark on another relationship.

 

Cat.

[promises]

Pierre is correct about dating difficulties after an A.

 

For a long time, I still had an emotional attachment to the MM. I couldn't bring myself to even hold somebody else's hand, let alone be attracted to another man.

 

That attachment seems to be dissipating now after a couple of years.

 

Promises, I honestly don't think you are ready to date yet. It's not fair to a man if you are not on a level playing field. It's not long since you were still mad about you xMM. You have much to work through and it does take a great deal of time to get over the emotional upheaval you have and probably still are living through.

 

Try to focus on your friends and family if possible. Be with them as much as possible and try to regain your old self before you embark on another relationship.

 

Cat.

 

 

I agree with you. I tried dating at first. I have realized that I did so in a fog of my own. What was strange about those dates was that I had many offers to date - in fact one long standing friend asked me to consider starting a relationship with him. I am somewhat baffled as to what vibe I was giving off to have that happen in parallel with this grieving.

 

I don't need to rush a new relationship. Lord knows I haven't in the past. But, the lingering feelings of touch and friendship and sharing are difficult to cut so abruptly.

 

I've come a LONG way since dday. Still more to process and move beyond I know. But, yes, I never did date for dating sake prior and it doesn't make sense to do it now.