My girlfriend (and now fiance) of well over 10 years cheated on me 5 years ago

[MrMcBobski]

I have been with my girlfriend for well over 10 years now, we have been engaged for a while but neither of us have ever been in a rush to formalize anything with actual marriage. We have had long and very detailed talks about this so I know she definitely feels this way too.

 

My home network is configured to log all chat traffic (for my own chats rather than anything else) and over the Christmas break I was reviewing the logs to check on a discussion I had recently and noticed that there were some chats logged between my fiance and another man that we both know that sounded a little suspicious. Not normally the jealous type I tried not to read anything into it.

 

Just before the new year she "went out shopping". On her return she showed me what she had "bought" (some clothes, nothing fancy) and left it at that. Later that evening when tidying i noticed the receipt for the item, and it was paid for using an Amex card. I deal with all our finances so checking receipts is not unusual. We only have visa and mastercard in the house so I questioned her about it, and after some denials, she finally admitted that it was a gift from this man. I then pushed her about the fact she had met up with him without telling me, and her exact relationship with him, and this is when the revelation came.

 

It turns out that 5 years ago, during a period where she wasn't feeling great about herself and following a rather argumentative Christmas she had read an article that suggested that long term relationships had a high probability of failure at the point we had reached at the time. At this point the man mentioned earlier (a colleague from a previous work place who she had kept in touch with, but nothing significant) started talking to her more often and asked if they could meet up for a drink. They met at his place, he made a move, and she claims she was so confused about us, and what was happening that she just went along with it and they ended up having sex. Apparently he took some pictures of the events too. Afterwards she figured that was it. Shed screwed it all up and assumed that i would find out and end everything.

 

This happened a total of 4 times over the course of a year (basically every few months), and hasn't happened since. She has spoken to him, and met up a couple of times after this happened, and he has tried it on again too, but not pushed it. She claims she has tried to refuse his advances, and end it, but that she didn't want to deny him out-right in case he used the photos as blackmail or something.

 

We have talked in detail about what happened, but as it was over 5 years ago now, its difficult to remember everything exactly. I think i understand how it all happened, but she is still struggling with why it happened and more importantly why she let it go as far as sex.

 

She claims she had some feelings for him at the time, but there is nothing there now. I want to believe that but its hard when she has basically lied to me for 5 years (over a 3rd of our relationship).

 

What should I do?

[MrMcBobski]

I am aware that trust is the key issue here. Now this has come out we have talked about it at length, I have looked at her emails and chat logs for the past few years, understood the tone of what was said and when.

 

While there were the 4 occasions back then, they only ever talk every now and then. He has only ever bought her stuff on a couple of occasions and I think this time it was an attempt by him to resurrect the relationship.

 

I wont go into ultimate detail here, but the level of detail we have gone into makes me think her story is true. It ties up with what I experienced at the time and I think this was less a hardcore lie, and more a lie of omission.

 

Im not trying to defend her actions, but just trying to convey some of what we have discussed.

[NervisPervis]

...but as it was over 5 years ago now, its difficult to remember everything exactly.

 

She remembers everything "exactly". She needs to stop lying. Step 1.

[NervisPervis]

And I believe extorting sex from someone via blackmale is rape. And she's still friends with him? He's not been visited by the police? Or by the business end of a baseball bat?

[salparadise]

I agree that it doesn't sound right. She had an ongoing sexual relationship with this guy but claims it was because of some momentary confusion. She reluctantly had sex with him the first time but allowed him to take pictures! She says nothing has happened in five years yet she is maintaining contact, going out and accepting gifts from him. She tried to squirm her way out of it after you found the amex receipt, so it's not just what happened 5 years ago that she's been hiding––deception is ongoing. I'd bet there are pictures starting way back then and continuing up until now. If this were a one-time mistake that happened five years ago it might be different, but this woman is disingenuous at the core and she's been gaming you all this time. If you stay with this woman you will always be wondering every time she goes out to the store if she's lying to you and keeping a few photographers happy on the side. Staying with her means giving up on ever having a truly trusting, loving relationship that will be nurturing and fulfilling. I think it's time to do what you must to take care of yourself. Sorry, I know it's hard.

[MrMcBobski]

Again, its all down to if I believe the story, but from what she said, he never actually held the photos over her as blackmail. That was more a case of self induced blackmail, kind of "if i told him NO, he might get upset and do something stupid".

[Bryanp]

I agree with the above poster. She has put quite a spin on it. Five years into the relationship with you she screwing this guy time and again and putting your health at risk for STD's and you still want to marry her. You would be absolutely crazy to marry her. You know down deep you are not getting the full story at all. For an entire year of your relationship she was screwing him behind your back. How did she not know he was taking pictures of her? She said she went along with it....................Oh please.

 

You simply cannot be serious about actually marrying her. Don't be a fool.

[Darren Steez]

Sigh...he's already forgiven her, he's making excuses for her, he's swept it under the rug...what is it exactly you're looking for here?

 

She went back four times ... She had sex much more than that, she's trickle truthing

 

She kept in touch with him, he's buying her gifts..you can bet he's tried it on again and guess what? She's given it to him!!!

 

Dump her...but then again, you've already forgiven her..and let me guess, I really love her, she's my world, I can't live without her..

 

You've been engaged for ten years, maybe that in itself is a clue..

[MrMcBobski]

I havent forgiven her. I dont know what i feel at the moment, but its certainly not forgiveness.

 

I am just not ready to throw away over a decades worth of relationship. We aren't just "dating". We also have a house together, mortgage, joint bank accounts, life insurances, pets... We are as good as married, just without the bit of paper, and the ludicrously expensive ceremony / reception.

 

I really want to try and work this out but, having never had to deal with this situation before, I figured some impartial advice might be useful.

[MichiganMan222]

I'm sorry, but this is a no-brainer. How can any man with a modicum of self respect allow this relationship to continue?

 

If you let her get away with this, what's next? Don't delude yourself into thinking 'nothing'. Continuing your relationship gives her a license to do it again.

 

DUMP HER NOW! NNNNNNNNNNNNNNOW!

[MrMcBobski]

To all of you wonderful people who are saying "just dump her", I have a personal question.

 

What is the longest relationship you have ever been in?

[Almond_Joy]

I think you should have her break all contact with this man. He seems to be staying with the hope of a repeat of what happened years ago, and I'm hard put to believe that they've stayed in touch this long with nothing else going on other than what happened 5 years ago.

 

At this point, he has nothing to blackmail her with - if he showed you the photos he's not revealing anything you don't know. I don't see how you two can move forward from this while that man is still involved in her life, in any capacity.

[sayyes19]

To all of you wonderful people who are saying "just dump her", I have a personal question.

 

What is the longest relationship you have ever been in?

 

If I were you I would ask him what happened. You deserve to know the truth. He might lie, but if you surprise him he will be forced to give you the truth.

[Darren Steez]

To all of you wonderful people who are saying "just dump her", I have a personal question.

 

What is the longest relationship you have ever been in?

 

Why are you here if you don't like the answers being given to you?

 

You are talking with people who've had experience with this. If you want to save your engagement then fine go and do it but the truth is being served to you cold.

 

First off you haven't gotten the whole truth have you? She didn't volunteer the truth, she got caught.

 

Secondly you have no idea how long or with what frequency she was meeting with him, the reasons she gives for continuing to sleep with him are utter BS and you know it..blackmail!!? That sounds like something made up on the spin to justify her actions..oh it wasn't her fault she was forced to do it.

 

So according to her..using her words, the event happened 5 years ago and went on for a year? Correct? Yet this New Year he's buying her clothes? So you assume they are still in contact, she's owned up to one year of cheating to minimize the damage, more likely she's been at it all the time.

 

Have you spoken to the OM yet?

 

Finances and joint accounts are not an excuse, they can be separated, she cheated on you for 5 YEARS... 5 YEARS. Do you know how long that is?

5 Years of lies and cheating and sex, and you want to marry her?

 

Up to you buddy whether you stay or go, you came here for advise. We read it in the cold light of day and it looks bad for you, real bad.

[GSB81]

I havent forgiven her. I dont know what i feel at the moment, but its certainly not forgiveness.

 

I am just not ready to throw away over a decades worth of relationship. We aren't just "dating". We also have a house together, mortgage, joint bank accounts, life insurances, pets... We are as good as married, just without the bit of paper, and the ludicrously expensive ceremony / reception.

 

I really want to try and work this out but, having never had to deal with this situation before, I figured some impartial advice might be useful.

 

 

You aren't ready to throw away over a decade worth of relationship? Well guess what, she sure the he was and is! All the stuff you list above, the but more importantly YOU, obviously means very little to her. Wake up man, she was a willing participant in an affair and she's still*meeting up with the guy! She's a LIAR who only admitted it after being busted. If you don't dump her, it's the same as saying "I'm okay with other dudes banging my girl." Are you?

[road]

mcbobski,

 

It is normal reaction for a BH to believe what their WW says because to dig for the truth will force the BH to see the real truth.

 

Your GF has been cheating on you for 5 years.

Not cheated on you 5 years ago 4 times.

 

I repeat GF has been cheating on you for 5 years and she has banged the OM way more then just 4 times.

 

OM do not buy women clothes for them to wear for their husbands.

 

OM do not give women their credit card to use.

 

This means that the OM went shopping with the WW. Because OM had to be their to use his credit card when your GF bought those clothes.

 

OM buy women clothes so they will look good for the OM when they go out on their dates with their affair partner.

 

As Jack Nickolson said you want the truth well you can not handle the truth by the way you are so willing to drink your GF's koolaid.

 

If you want the truth you need to schedule a polygraph test for your WW to take. Your GF is trickle truthing you. She just trickles out enough info to get you to think she has told you all.

 

Tell your GF the date of the test. Just before GF has to go take the test she will trickle truth some more to get you to cancel the test. Do not. You still need to confirm that GF is not holding anything else back.

 

Do not marry her without a polygraph test.

[MrMcBobski]

Why are you here if you don't like the answers being given to you?

 

I came here because the site name, and specifically this forum, would suggest this is the place for this kind of discussion, but I don't think its unreasonable to ask people giving advice what experience they have to dispense that advice.

 

For example, if the most significant relationship you have ever had is a 3 month fling with randy cheerleader who cheated on you repeatedly with the football team, how are you even slightly in a position to offer advice to someone who has been in a relationship for over a decade?

 

You would have no idea of the level of emotional attachment that builds up over that amount of time, and how difficult it is to simply just let that go over a single problem (albeit a pretty significant one).

 

I am not, in any way, trying to justify away her actions, but I am mature enough to not simply kick her to the curb because she screwed up.

 

 

First off you haven't gotten the whole truth have you? She didn't volunteer the truth, she got caught.

 

She didn't walk up to me one day, after dinner, and say "oh btw, i cheated on you last week". No. But she has been completely forthcoming about so much detail of the events, you would not believe. There is a lot of detail she didn't know I was aware of (through some additional research of her chatlogs and text messages) that she wilfully volunteered. She may have lied through omission about the event happening, but everything she has said since this was discovered has been (as far as i can verify) the truth.

 

 

Secondly you have no idea how long or with what frequency she was meeting with him, the reasons she gives for continuing to sleep with him are utter BS and you know it..blackmail!!? That sounds like something made up on the spin to justify her actions..oh it wasn't her fault she was forced to do it.

 

Again, she has given me intimate details about what happened and when. More detail than I probably wanted to know. Some of it I will have to take on faith, but a lot of it is information that would only make it worse for her, and she still told me.

 

I never said he blackmailed her. I said she *thought* he might, or could, do something like that. She isn't claiming that was the ultimate cause of it all... but it was a factor.

 

 

So according to her..using her words, the event happened 5 years ago and went on for a year? Correct? Yet this New Year he's buying her clothes? So you assume they are still in contact, she's owned up to one year of cheating to minimize the damage, more likely she's been at it all the time.

 

He has been out of the country for a large part of the time since. They have talked online for the past few years, on and off. I read all their chat logs (without her knowing I could, so they were raw, and unaltered), so I understand the nature of their relationship in the time after the actual sex. He would regularly make innuendo, or suggestive comments, and she would then change the subject.

 

Since the sex, there have only been two times they have met up, once this past xmas and once before. This appears to be backed up by chatlogs, text messages, and phone logs (from the phone provider, not just on the phone).

 

And yes he bought her "clothes" but it really wasn't a sexy gift. They talked about a new fitness regime she is on, and then they moved on to talking about xmas, so when he asked about what she wanted, she said needed some new sweatpants. They probably didn't go shopping "together", he just left the receipt in the bag in case they were the wrong size.

 

 

Have you spoken to the OM yet?

 

Not directly no. I have seen the message she sent to him when I asked her to end it, and stop ALL communication with him, and I have seen his reply of him agreeing to do so.

 

I have been wondering if i should talk to him to try and get the other side of the story. I cant really trust him either though so it may not get me very far.

[MrMcBobski]

As Jack Nickolson said you want the truth well you can not handle the truth by the way you are so willing to drink your GF's koolaid.

 

You say that like what you are telling me is any closer to the truth. You weren't there (or were you ?) so how could you possibly know.

 

You might know what *COULD* have happened, but other than that you can only comment on your own experiences.

 

 

 

Do not marry her without a polygraph test.

 

I think that's a tiny bit overkill.

[silvermercy]

OP, if you look back at the the threads on this forum there are probably hundreds or thousands of accounts similar to yours. People here give you those answers you got because your story (and subsequent defence of your cheater) are almost carbon-copy.

 

What is it you want people to tell you? That everything will be all right and your cheater only make a tiny "mistake" loooong loooong ago when all evidence you present in your posts points to the contrary?

Well, they won't do that, sorry to disappoint.

 

By all means, ignore what everyone here is telling you and go ahead and marry your cheater.

 

P.S. The polygraph (or at least the THREAT of it) is not an overkill. Cheated spouses who were previously convinced they had the whole truth swear by it.

[2sunny]

She cheats - she lies. Marrying her- or even staying with her is rewarding bad behavior.

 

Btw - men don't "normally" buy gifts when they aren't getting something in return.

 

And yes, I was married 20 years - so I know long term... But cheaters don't normally change their ways unless they suffer severe consequences. Rewarding her bad behavior by staying with her isn't likely she'll become sorry she did it.

 

I'd dump her!

[kdobbs]

I have gone through an experience myself recently, with my girlfriend of 4 years. She cheated, got found out and said it was just a kiss. It was a brilliant story and very believable, so we carried on.

 

I posted on this forum for advice, because I felt pretty bad still. As you can imagine, I got similar responses and I thought to myself "Hey I bet these guys don't understand how hard it is to leave" etc... They all said it was more than just a kiss, I was getting trickled truth'd and of course I brushed it off as my girlfriends story was solid.

 

Guess what? It was more than a kiss, she lied to me. She continued to lie, and lie and lie again. It wasn't until I actually had unquestionable evidence she finally admitted it.

 

But anyway, this is about your relationship and not everyone is the same, But everything these guys are telling you is right. You should listen to their advice.

[ChessPieceFace]

she had read an article that suggested that long term relationships had a high probability of failure at the point we had reached at the time. At this point the man mentioned earlier (a colleague from a previous work place who she had kept in touch with, but nothing significant) started talking to her more often and asked if they could meet up for a drink. They met at his place, he made a move, and she claims she was so confused about us, and what was happening that she just went along with it and they ended up having sex.

 

So due to the article telling her her relationship had a high probability of failure, she went out and cheated and thus ruined her relationship.

 

GENIUS.

 

Dump. This. Woman.

 

Unless you don't mind being used and abused while your woman is running around cheating on you.

[loversquarrel]

To all of you wonderful people who are saying "just dump her", I have a personal question.

 

What is the longest relationship you have ever been in?

 

I was with my ex-wife for five years before we married and for twelve more years after that. We shared friends, a house, mortgage, pets, and KIDS. She cheated on me. I later found out she cheated on me more than once, including a year before we were married. So yes, I say dump her. I see a woman with no remorse who is giving you the trickle truth and obviously still has feelings for this guy 5 yrs. later.

 

It sucks and is not easy, but your relationship is just a shell of what you thought it was. Don't be a fool, you will never be able to trust her the way you should.

[loversquarrel]

MrMcBobski,

 

It seems to me you are waiting to hear from someone who is going to tell you "It's ok, you two can get past this and be happy together".

 

Think real hard as to why she wasn't continuing to be physical with this guy for all 5 years - by your own admission, HE WAS OUT OF THE COUNTRY FOR ALOT OF THE TIME. All this explains is that the distance became to inconvenient for your lovely fiance to keep effing him.

[NervisPervis]

Think real hard as to why she wasn't continuing to be physical with this guy for all 5 years - by your own admission, HE WAS OUT OF THE COUNTRY FOR ALOT OF THE TIME. All this explains is that the distance became to inconvenient for your lovely fiance to keep effing him.

 

Yet she maintained the relationship as best she could, IN SECRECY, while he was away.

 

A whole year of physical infidelity out of 10. Tack on 4 more years of emotional infidelity (plus two quickies, evidently).

 

I'm counting 5 years that your gal has been lying and cheating. That's bad enough. But add the fact that you just don't get it...

 

Sad. Very sad. I feel for you.