My girlfriend (and now fiance) of well over 10 years cheated on me 5 years ago

[TaraMaiden]

To all of you wonderful people who are saying "just dump her", I have a personal question.

 

What is the longest relationship you have ever been in?

 

26 years.

Dump her.

[veggirl]

I guess it's good he was out of town for the last 5 yrs cause otherwise they'd likely have been hooking up the whole time. Obviously he is angling for that again and considering he still has the pics and whatnot that she was so scared of (apparently), she'd be obliging right now if you hadn't caught her.

[pbjbear]

To all of you wonderful people who are saying "just dump her", I have a personal question.

 

What is the longest relationship you have ever been in?

 

In todays world a man should dump a cheating woman the second he finds out

 

Women are expected to forgive

 

I see countless threads where a woman and a man have a S.O that do the same exact thing and the advice given has a different tone. When a woman cheats the degrading that follows is very bad and its not as a bad when its a guy...he is just "being a guy"

 

But yeah, you def. dump this girl...the fact that she read an article that said you were at the point where you could break up and she went out and cheated...sounds like shes insecure and has poor coping mechanisms...stuff like that rarely changes

Edited January 26, 2013 by pbjbear

[AbeNormal]

Question posed by OP: To all of you wonderful people who are saying "just dump her", I have a personal question.

 

What is the longest relationship you have ever been in?

 

26 years.

Dump her.

 

Seconded.

 

32 years.

Dump her.

Edited January 27, 2013 by AbeNormal

[ChessPieceFace]

I'll be fair to the OP and answer that question too - I haven't been in a relationship. Feel free to dismiss my advice, but I just can't imagine staying with a woman who cheated on me. I can imagine how hard it would be to end a LTR but IMO if you stay you're really just lying to yourself to try to avoid facing reality.

[AbeNormal]

Wanted to edit my post, but wasn't quick enough. But I wanted to add:

 

(Or, if you like the thought of hanging out in these forums about cheating/infidelity for the next many years, then go for it.)

Edited January 27, 2013 by AbeNormal

[loversquarrel]

In todays world a man should dump a cheating woman the second he finds out

 

Women are expected to forgive

 

I see countless threads where a woman and a man have a S.O that do the same exact thing and the advice given has a different tone. When a woman cheats the degrading that follows is very bad and its not as a bad when its a guy...he is just "being a guy"

 

But yeah, you def. dump this girl...the fact that she read an article that said you were at the point where you could break up and she went out and cheated...sounds like shes insecure and has poor coping mechanisms...stuff like that rarely changes

 

How do you figure women are expected to forgive? Are you referencing men and women expecting women to forgive or just men? I have read countless threads on this forum that would suggest otherwise.

[KungFuJoe]

I'm more curious as to what program op uses to track all chat info.

 

I'm assuming its running on a PC with a nic set to promiscuous mode?

 

Or it is a gateway PC?

[TaraMaiden]

In todays world a man should dump a cheating woman the second he finds out

 

Women are expected to forgive

Oh really....?

Where did you find that little gem....?

 

I see countless threads

"Countless"...?

Show me 'countless'......

 

Oh, okay then.

Show me.... let's see, what's a reasonable number.....?

 

Show me 5.

 

where a woman and a man have a S.O that do the same exact thing and the advice given has a different tone. When a woman cheats the degrading that follows is very bad and its not as a bad when its a guy...he is just "being a guy"

I have rarely, if ever, seen any double-standards of this kind. From individual posters, maybe. But whole threads...?

Hmmmm....I don't think so, somehow....

 

I await your expansion with interest.

[road]

You say that like what you are telling me is any closer to the truth. You weren't there (or were you ?) so how could you possibly know.

 

You might know what *COULD* have happened, but other than that you can only comment on your own experiences.

 

 

 

 

 

I think that's a tiny bit overkill.

 

 

How long have you had to deal with affairs?

 

A month?

 

Seven posts?

 

I have been on infidelity forums for 10 years. I have seen enough BH and WW stories to know what happened.

 

I have seen trickle truthing used over and over. I have seen that until a polygraph is done the truth rarely fully comes out.

 

How rare is rare?

 

In these 10 years the truth has not come out a handful of times. Out of those 5 times I can not remember the last time I have seen the truth come without a poly because it has been that long ago.

[road]

 

Not directly no. I have seen the message she sent to him when I asked her to end it, and stop ALL communication with him, and I have seen his reply of him agreeing to do so.

 

I have been wondering if i should talk to him to try and get the other side of the story. I cant really trust him either though so it may not get me very far.

 

 

Talking to the OM usually accomplishes nothing. First he is a lair and a sneak.

Trust a liar and a sneak?

 

Some OM will lie to either deny anything happened because they do not want a BH coming after them.

 

Some OM will lie to inflict pain and embelish the story they tell the BH.

 

It is extremely rare to find an OM that will tell the truth and tell the truth in a human manner.

 

Example:

BH How many times did you have sex with WW

 

Decent OM 10 times

Low life OM 10 times, and every time we banged for at least 1 hour and WW would cum 10 times and screamed her head off.

 

Want to talk?

 

Talk to the OMW. Let his wife know what he did.

[kdobbs]

I am no expert in the field of infidelity, but you have to think about yourself here OP.

 

I mean can you see yourself actually forgetting about what she did and move on with your life? The feelings that you have at the moment are so hard to deal with, not knowing the truth 100%, you can't push them away, they are there and they stay there.

 

As people say on here, you can't reward cheating with understanding. You can suppress the doubt as much as you want, it won't go away. I know you really want someone to tell you it will, hence why you have made this topic, but it doesn't.

[MrMcBobski]

I came here not expecting everyone to tell me "oh itll be ok, there there, you can carry on like nothing happened". That, quite honestly, is ludicrous. My intent when posting this thread was to gather some alternative opinions, having never considered this situation before.

 

I must admit I expected a little more compassion or variety of response, people offering opinions of both sides of the story, but having read some of the threads here it seems you are all of a very similar mind set. I have posted this exact same thread to several locations over the internet. Some responses have been quite varied, and some have been quite similar.

 

I knew I would get responses of "Dump her" as that is an obvious one. I had expected someone to offer something along the lines of "This is a very difficult situation, but there are ways you might be able to work through it". And I had expected there might be someone saying "We had the same problem and we managed to survive". Ultimately, despite what you say here, I simply will not believe that separation is *THE ONLY SOLUTION*.

 

I have always found that any time there is a decision to be made my gut instincts have been right on the money. This have been proven to me over and over again, even now during this everything I have thought has been proven right (even though it was devastating to discover I was right).

 

So back when I first had suspicions something was going on, and my gut instinct told me there was, I chose to override my own instinct which turned out to be the wrong move, and once I finally accepted my instincts as being correct, I got to the truth of the matter.

 

The reason I say this is because my gut is telling me that I can work through this, and I believe that to be the case.

 

I know most of you will likely say I am foolish and being blind to what she is really doing. All I can say to you at the moment is that I do not deny that could be the case. That said, I know a lot of things about my specific situation that paints things in quite a different light to what you are suggesting, and I believe you are wrong here. I am not going to spend forever detailing my entire life here in order to win support for my point of view, as its clear that will likely never happen so I will end by saying the following.

 

If it turns out you were all correct, I will return here and let you all know so you can gloat. But I do not expect to be back (at least not in this sub forum).

[TaraMaiden]

Gloat?

 

That my friend, is the one thing you will never find here.

People do not 'gloat'.

I defy you to find one single post in this entire forum that 'gloats'.

 

However, if you do come back - THEN people will show compassion, empathy and support.

Why?

Because many of us have been where you are.

Many of us were convinced we could make it work.

And far, far too many of us were proven incorrect.

People here speak not through pessimism, but experience.

 

So as - and when - and if - you DO come back with a "You were all right and I was wrong" - IF -

Then we'll all do whatever we can to support you.

And nobody will ever utter the immortal phrase,

 

"We told you so."

[kdobbs]

I personally believe it comes down to your own mindset really.

 

I don't like to believe in the phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater" because I believe people do things that they regret and learn from those choices to become a better person.

 

The most important thing is you, if you believe that you can still be as emotionally invested in the relationship with her still, knowing she was unfaithful to you.

 

After all, if you are going to get married, the last thing you want to do is end up resenting her after x amount of time in the future.

[Darren Steez]

I came here not expecting everyone to tell me "oh itll be ok, there there, you can carry on like nothing happened". That, quite honestly, is ludicrous. My intent when posting this thread was to gather some alternative opinions, having never considered this situation before.

 

I must admit I expected a little more compassion or variety of response, people offering opinions of both sides of the story, but having read some of the threads here it seems you are all of a very similar mind set. I have posted this exact same thread to several locations over the internet. Some responses have been quite varied, and some have been quite similar.

 

I knew I would get responses of "Dump her" as that is an obvious one. I had expected someone to offer something along the lines of "This is a very difficult situation, but there are ways you might be able to work through it". And I had expected there might be someone saying "We had the same problem and we managed to survive". Ultimately, despite what you say here, I simply will not believe that separation is *THE ONLY SOLUTION*.

 

I have always found that any time there is a decision to be made my gut instincts have been right on the money. This have been proven to me over and over again, even now during this everything I have thought has been proven right (even though it was devastating to discover I was right).

 

So back when I first had suspicions something was going on, and my gut instinct told me there was, I chose to override my own instinct which turned out to be the wrong move, and once I finally accepted my instincts as being correct, I got to the truth of the matter.

 

The reason I say this is because my gut is telling me that I can work through this, and I believe that to be the case.

 

I know most of you will likely say I am foolish and being blind to what she is really doing. All I can say to you at the moment is that I do not deny that could be the case. That said, I know a lot of things about my specific situation that paints things in quite a different light to what you are suggesting, and I believe you are wrong here. I am not going to spend forever detailing my entire life here in order to win support for my point of view, as its clear that will likely never happen so I will end by saying the following.

 

If it turns out you were all correct, I will return here and let you all know so you can gloat. But I do not expect to be back (at least not in this sub forum).

 

Rather strange you come looking for opinion then go at the very people offering advice because you don't agree with them.

 

Not quite sure why you think people would gloat. Are you some special case?

 

You come looking for advice, we can only go on what you post. You laid it out in black and white and people responded in kind to what you wrote.

 

Good luck to you bro what ever decisions you make ultimately it's your life.

[DazedConfusedEtc]

I have to agree with the OP that it's way over the top here. Anyone who posts about any problem here gets the same posters yelling "dump them!!! They're a cheater!" Even when the post has nothing to do with cheating. People come here for support and instead they get berated if they even consider staying with their partner.

 

I know in this case there actually is cheating, and OP, only you know if you can live with that. I don't think I could trust someone that cheated ever again but that's just me. I do think that there are holes in this story, this dude is still buying things for your fiancé. She needs to cut contact, she's been in touch with this guy for YEARS. If I were you I would need to be very, very sure she's cut ties before proceeding.

[road]

I came here not expecting everyone to tell me "oh itll be ok, there there, you can carry on like nothing happened". That, quite honestly, is ludicrous. My intent when posting this thread was to gather some alternative opinions, having never considered this situation before.

 

I must admit I expected a little more compassion or variety of response, people offering opinions of both sides of the story, but having read some of the threads here it seems you are all of a very similar mind set. I have posted this exact same thread to several locations over the internet. Some responses have been quite varied, and some have been quite similar.

 

I knew I would get responses of "Dump her" as that is an obvious one. I had expected someone to offer something along the lines of "This is a very difficult situation, but there are ways you might be able to work through it". And I had expected there might be someone saying "We had the same problem and we managed to survive". Ultimately, despite what you say here, I simply will not believe that separation is *THE ONLY SOLUTION*.

 

I have always found that any time there is a decision to be made my gut instincts have been right on the money. This have been proven to me over and over again, even now during this everything I have thought has been proven right (even though it was devastating to discover I was right).

 

So back when I first had suspicions something was going on, and my gut instinct told me there was, I chose to override my own instinct which turned out to be the wrong move, and once I finally accepted my instincts as being correct, I got to the truth of the matter.

 

The reason I say this is because my gut is telling me that I can work through this, and I believe that to be the case.

 

I know most of you will likely say I am foolish and being blind to what she is really doing. All I can say to you at the moment is that I do not deny that could be the case. That said, I know a lot of things about my specific situation that paints things in quite a different light to what you are suggesting, and I believe you are wrong here. I am not going to spend forever detailing my entire life here in order to win support for my point of view, as its clear that will likely never happen so I will end by saying the following.

 

If it turns out you were all correct, I will return here and let you all know so you can gloat. But I do not expect to be back (at least not in this sub forum).

 

 

Not saying for you to dump her.

 

Saying to stay with her without having her take a polygraph test is wrong.

[MrMcBobski]

I wish you all the luck in the world!

 

Thank you. That link will be very useful.

 

For what it is worth, we have had, and continue to have, very open and frank discussions about EVERYTHING surrounding this. Detail about what she did, when, where, how. We have discussed feelings and emotions. Tried to find the real WHY. It has been very hard going at times. We have both been quite drained but I am finding the brutal honesty of our conversations to be refreshing and comforting.

 

Those of you who say shes still covering things up... that could be true. But if that is the case and I discover the truth, that *WILL* be the end of the relationship. However, the nature of our talks have been *SO* detailed and so invasively intimate, discussing every-tiny-little detail to try to get to the bottom of this, there would be little, if any, benefit to her covering anything else up at this point. Some of the things that have come out are actually worse than "more sex" depending on how you look at it.

 

Anyway... thank you all for your input so far.

[Running Man]

Listen, a cheater the will put on an acting performance that is OSCAR worthy, when they're caught. My ex did exactly the same thing. (crying, sobbing, throwing up, very very remorseful, We even visited the church pastor for counseling AND THAT WAS HER IDEA)

I decided to give it a shot because of all "heart to heart" talks and thought I could work it out. I'm a trust worthy guy but I'm not stupid enough to trust her like a did before her cheating. I kept my eyes open and guess what? I caught her cheating by leaving her job early to go to the OM's house. Luckly my friend had a friend who works in her area. He informed me she was leaving early on certain days, then she would come home at her usual time. I pieced it all together and divorced her.

 

You are thinking about entering into a marriage with this women. Watch your back. A person cheats because they want too, it doesn't matter how good life is at home, doesn't matter how well you treat them and take care of them. Its there freewill to cheat and lie because they know they're betraying you and don't care when they do it until they get caught. I think this is your chance to dodge the bullet and move on with someone more trustworthy.

Edited January 27, 2013 by Running Man

[MrMcBobski]

Hello OP,

 

I am glad you think the link is useful, I totally think it is a must to have if you want to reconcile!

Regarding the honesty of your gf... I have my doubts... There is something callled trickle truth... and it is that usually when a cheating person is caught in the cheating they just say the things that the cheated person want to hear... they minimize the deeds and usually turn the responsibility towards the affair partner or even towards the cheated partner (blame shifting!).

 

I know what I have said so far makes it look like she is trickle truthing. There are a lot of things I havent detailed here because I simply dont have time to write it all it, but trust me when I say that really isn't the case. We have sat down every night since I found out, and talked about EVERY-SINGLE-POSSIBLE-ASPECT of this. In microscopic detail.

 

We have talked about exactly what was said in her chats with him. When they first met. How she ended up at his house. What they did before the sex. How the sex started. What they did during the sex. Positions / durations / feelings. And then repeated this for each of the times they met. Including non-sexual meetings. Most of these discussions were making the whole thing considerably worse for her, but she told me anyway, and did so willingly.

 

She has, at no point, shifted the blame. And takes full responsibility for her actions. I do, however, believe there may have been an aspect of depression that was the root cause. But i am not a psychiatrist.

 

 

I advise you to really sit with her and tell her that you love her and you want to keep her in your life (that are good news!), now if she want in with you, she needs to be totally honest... you give her just one opportunity to say ALL the truth... if she fails to say all the truth she needs to understand that you can't keep having faith in someone that has not only cheated on you but keep lying about it!

Tell her that you can't anymore operate in trust since she has broken that breach already and that she needs to earn your trust again but till then you need full disclosure (access to all her mail accounts, facebook and any other social media , her mobile and her location and whereabouts when ever you ask for it)

 

As noted above, we have talked, at length. And in terms of full disclosure, I already have access to all her mail, media, and communications. She has agreed to 100% transparency, including checking in at set times, limiting her mobility to work / home / with me except without express permission.

 

 

I see you love your girlfriend and you want to try to savage your relationship with her, I admire that but remember that your effort alone is not enough, you need her to work with you, she needs to do the heavy lifting and come clean! In other words, I don't believe she was black mailed! If she keeps that line then she has not accepted her part taking in the infidelity and it will hit you sooner or later!

 

I really wish you good luck!

 

I assume you meant "salvage" not "savage", and yes I do.

 

She wasn't blackmailed. At no point did the OM threaten that AT ALL. The point was that he has compromising photographs of her, and she was scared that he *COULD* have done something with them that would have been a problem. But also this was only one factor in this relationship. There were some feelings there too. And she has categorically stated that they do not exist any more from her point of view, and havent done for quite a while.

 

The OM may still feel something though. All of the chats since the event were initiated by him.

 

Ultimately she has committed to trying to salvage our relationship. She has read the guide, and promises to re-read it again several times to absorb its advice.

 

I believe that we can pull through this, but it will not be a quick process.

[Chi townD]

Dude, cheaters will only tell you the bare minimum to make it seem not as bad as what it truely is. I mean, lets look at it. What she told you made HER look like a victim. Not a cheating girlfriend.

 

She says it happened 5 years ago. Which she's lying to you. Maybe the sex stopped there (or maybe it didn't) but she's still in contact with this guy. She's still accepting gifts from this guy. Which tells me that she's investing time and effort into this dude that she had a physical relationship with. Time and effort that should have been spent with you. That's taking away from your relationship. THAT'S CHEATING! (you don't have to have sex in order to cheat).

 

You have to look outside the box and see what's REALLY going on here. Look, you're in a really crappy position and I'm sorry you're going through this. But, if she was in the LEAST bit remorseful about what she was doing, she would have NEVER seen that guy again. The guilt would have been too much for her. But, she kept going back. She kept communicating with him, she kept accepting gifts from him. Those aren't telltale signs of someone that is absolutely distraught with guilt.

[Running Man]

The cycle continues. Live and Learn.

[road]

 

The OM may still feel something though. All of the chats since the event were initiated by him.

 

Ultimately she has committed to trying to salvage our relationship.

 

 

Initiated by OM. And how do you know? Oh yes, a liar told you so.

 

Ultimately committed to hide the truth you mean.

 

Time to polygraph her.

[AlexDP]

To all those saying she should take a polygraph: are you insane?

 

When it's time to have your girlfriend take a polygraph, your relationship is well and truly over. Dead and buried. Six feet under.

 

He should just say: hey, you know what? I thought I had a life with you. I was wrong, obviously. You might not be a bad person, but our trust is broken. Our relationship will never be the same. It is time to explore other horizons.

 

That's it. How difficult can that be?