My girlfriend (and now fiance) of well over 10 years cheated on me 5 years ago

[MrMcBobski]

".....A man hears what he wants to hear

and disregards the rest (doo be dooo)".....

 

The Boxer by Simon and Garfunkle. Very nice song. Always liked it.

 

We're all right.

He KNOWS he's 'wrong'.

But admit it?

Deal with it?

Do the 'right' thing....?

 

Rather not, thanks.

Prefer to struggle along, justifying, accepting, fighting the damn stare-down truth that's right in front of his eyes.

 

No. You *MIGHT* be right. And I *MIGHT* be wrong. There is absolutely NO WAY you can categorically say "We're all right" because you dont know all the facts (and neither do I), you dont know the full situation, and you dont know the people involved. You know what happened to you, or other people on this forum. Which may have strong similarities to this situation, but is almost certainly NOT identical.

 

All you know about this situation is what I have told you which is a limited subset of information that I wanted feedback on at the time. There is a lot more information i havent given you for brevity and privacy, and a lot of information that i am still processing.

 

I am thankful for everyones input so far, some of it i didnt want to hear, some of it i found hard to read, some very useful, some of it less so. I will continue to discuss the evolution of this situation here, but for any of you to categorically state that anything you say is FACT in relation to this situation is, tbh, bulls**t. And *YOU* know it.

[TaraMaiden]

We may not need all the facts to hold our opinion.

What we know already, is enough.

 

But then, if you're 'withholding facts' and are equally "trickle-truthing" us, then you can hardly be surprised that what we are saying seems to you to be inaccurate.

 

Maybe if you didn't withhold, we wouldn't talk Bull.

[AbeNormal]

OK, let me use my imagination here (about what you might not have shared). This is just “make believe” type stuff, but maybe it will lead you to start thinking about some real things in your relationship – and about you. As TaraMaiden pointed out – how would anyone know (on this forum) when you yourself won’t share – for whatever reason? The following is just a thought experiment. Nothing more.

 

Imagine that:

 

*You’ve actually been dating your gf/fiancé for about 13 years.

 

*After about two or so years, she had thoughts of marriage and settling down – she loved you and wanted that security and future.

 

*You “circled around”, much as you’ve done on this thread, and could not make a commitment/decision. You studied your navel, thought about this reason and that, etc. You believed that you were just being analytical and prudent…

 

*Years passed. She felt HUMILIATED amongst her friends – as they, at least early on, asked her about when she might be getting married. And then, later, told her that she should be careful because you might be a “commitment/decision phobe”.

 

*Around the 8 year mark she started to feel very depressed. There was also the arguing and conflict. Was her life with you ever to have any certainty/definiteness?

 

*He came along and showed her attention. That felt good. Maybe a way to exit? – a branch to grasp?

 

*But it didn’t feel right. She loved you. What to do? And the damn pictures. Guilt, shame. But she (mentally) kept him as a crutch – a “virtual branch to grasp” – since there was even less certainty now...

 

*She knows you are anal about the finances (a bit controlling?) and it would not slip her mind that you might look at that receipt. Actually, she probably knows you are insecure and have been in “investigative mode”. Her guilt had been consuming her. And now that you two were actually engaged, it had to be dealt with one way or another.

 

*When you confronted her she was – almost – ready. A bit of avoidance (having a passive personality?), but no long term lying. She laid it out.

 

*etc.

 

 

In that case, my advice would be - DUMP HER.

 

For her sake.

 

Again, this is just a thought experiment – how the hell would any of us know?

 

Anyway, her cheating was completely wrong and inexcusable – even if there was a dynamic even remotely resembling the above. If there were actually someone in that dynamic, then the advice would be to dump the bf at (or before) that 8 year mark – rather than cheat.

 

Look. I have no clue. But, despite any protests you might make, TaraMaiden is right. To quote her: "But then, if you're 'withholding facts' and are equally "trickle-truthing" us, then you can hardly be surprised that what we are saying seems to you to be inaccurate."

Edited February 11, 2013 by AbeNormal

[nofool4u]

It is a fair point. I do, however, believe that she does love me. And i dont mean in a "she says 'i love you' all the time" kind of way. I mean deep down. Aside from this particular incident, her overall character, and her actions before, and since, tell me that she truely feels that way.

 

I dont think that anyone would discuss some of the things we have discussed over the last month if they were just stringing the other person along as a "place holder" for something better.

 

Then forgive her and drop the subject with her.

[animalover]

So you claim your gf loves you... I know many people reconcile after an affair... I just don't understand why someone would settle for that...

Your gf put her sexual pleasure with this guy above of your well being and happiness... how can she claim she loves you??

I really can't understand when someone who has been treated as a dormat can still defend the person who treated you like that... honestly man if you stay with this woman you will just get what you deserve.

 

How can you reconcile with the idea of your gf having sex with this other man? How can you look at her eyes and not imaging her going down to this other man... who knows what other things she did with him... yek... I don't get it!