My girlfriend (and now fiance) of well over 10 years cheated on me 5 years ago

[Dusk1983]

I believe that we can pull through this, but it will not be a quick process.

 

There is no relationship to salvage. Every foundation has been destroyed.

 

If you absolve her of blame she will a) never fully respect you again, or b) resent you for it, because it puts her at an eternal disadvantage.

 

You, for your part, will never forget or fully trust her again.

 

It is completely and utterly irrelevant what's 'disclosed' from the past. In the present, there can only be ill feeling, mistrust and resentment between you two from this point on.

[nofool4u]

I think i understand how it all happened, but she is still struggling with why it happened and more importantly why she let it go as far as sex.

 

Thats a load of bunk. She knows why it happened, she just doesn't want to admit it.

 

It happened because she wanted to F another guy. Plain and simple. There is no underlying reason other than that.

 

 

She claims she had some feelings for him at the time, but there is nothing there now.

 

Then why is she still chatting with him?

 

What should I do?

 

Dump her. I don't care how long you have been together. But thats me, you have to make your own decision. But I warn you, if you stay with her, you will always be suspicious of her. And again, from what I gather of your post, she is still in contact with the guy. Major disrespect.

 

If I were you, I'd tell her its over and go out and live your life to the fullest. Life is too short to spend it with a cheater.

 

 

EDIT

 

Her story doesn't sound right. I mean really think about it do you believe that they had sex 5 years ago and he is still buying her stuff today?

 

And I missed this. Still buying her stuff? Yes, get rid of her immediately.

Edited January 29, 2013 by nofool4u

[nofool4u]

While there were the 4 occasions back then, they only ever talk every now and then. He has only ever bought her stuff on a couple of occasions and I think this time it was an attempt by him to resurrect the relationship.

 

Only on a couple of occasions? Sounds like you are trying to convince yourself.

 

Why hasn't she come forward and told you about any of this? She has been keeping it from you.

 

 

I wont go into ultimate detail here, but the level of detail we have gone into makes me think her story is true. It ties up with what I experienced at the time and I think this was less a hardcore lie, and more a lie of omission.

 

 

So she lies to you behind your back in the form of chatting with him and keeping you in the dark about it.....and you believe her? Nobody who is trustworthy talks to people they have cheated with, or not, behind your back.

 

Im not trying to defend her actions

 

Dude, I'm in your corner. Been there done that.

 

But no offense, yes, you are trying to defend her. You weren't just talking about what you 2 discussed you are using words like "only" when referencing the gifts being bought, and you are completely ignoring the fact that she continued ALL THESE YEARS to correspond with him behind your back.

 

Thats not someone who is truthful.

[StarsOnFire]

You have to do what you can live with and what you feel is right. At the end of the day it's only your decision and I wish you the best.

 

The part of it that would concern me is that, would this have come out if you didn't find that receipt? I worry that she would've kept this a secret and kept communication with him had you not found that. And, personally, that would keep me on edge though the relationship.

 

But again, at the end of the day it's your heart and you know what you can forgive and push past and what you can't.

 

Good luck!

[MrMcBobski]

Initiated by OM. And how do you know? Oh yes, a liar told you so.

 

No, all the chats are logged... some on google and some on my own server which she has no access to. And as far as I am aware you cant edit chat logs on google. Tho you can delete them.

 

All of the chat logs on google date back nearly 4 years and they are all initiated by him.

 

To be fair, theres nothing to say she didnt just delete all the ones she started, but why not delete them all? I had read them all before she knew that i knew about it, so if she deleted them to cover her tracks it seems silly not to just bin the lot.

 

 

But no offense, yes, you are trying to defend her. You weren't just talking about what you 2 discussed you are using words like "only" when referencing the gifts being bought, and you are completely ignoring the fact that she continued ALL THESE YEARS to correspond with him behind your back.

 

I am trying to play devils advocate here a bit to allow you guys to give me your responses to her comments.

 

When i say "only" regarding the gifts, I am trying to put a little perspective on things. You guys make it sound like he was buying her diamonds, dresses and lingerie all the time. If thats the case, I havent seen any of it, and shes not the type of person to simply throw out stuff like that.

 

The only gifts she claims to have received are a few cuddly toys and the sweatpants. She has agreed to collect them all up so we can destroy them as a symbolic gesture.

 

 

 

Bottom line...

 

I am 100% aware she is a liar and an cheater.

I am 100% aware that no matter what happened its her fault for, at the bare minimum, not telling me about it sooner.

I am 100% aware that anything else that might have happened she was a willing participant in.

 

I am, however, also aware how her mind works. Despite all this, I have been pretty much spot on with my prediction of how she would act over the years. I even predicted this (the emotional cheating, if not the sex) back when it happened to a degree but refused to believe it, and probably blocked it out. But having said that, all of her actions that she has explained, and everything she has done since, still match what I think she would do under a given situation.

 

I know her, I was just blind to the full potential of what that meant. This revelation hasnt really changed that. But equally because I know her, i know how this has affected her and unless I am WAAAAAAAAAY off mark, I dont believe she will do anything even slightly similar again.

 

For the moment, I am still working through the details. Understanding who, what, when, where, why, and how. When i get all that straight in my mind, I will be able to establish *IF* I can deal with it. And if it turns out I cant... if all the reality finally kicks in... then that's it, shes gone, but I would prefer to persevere and try to rebuild something if possible.

 

Ultimately all those just saying "dump her" might as well stop posting because in my mind its not that simple. It may come to that, but not yet. If you have anything more constructive to say then I will take that on board.

[nofool4u]

When i say "only" regarding the gifts, I am trying to put a little perspective on things. You guys make it sound like he was buying her diamonds, dresses and lingerie all the time.

 

Who cares if it was one stick of bubble gum. She shouldn't have been in contact with him whatsoever over the years.

 

 

If thats the case, I havent seen any of it, and shes not the type of person to simply throw out stuff like that.

 

The only gifts she claims to have received are a few cuddly toys and the sweatpants. She has agreed to collect them all up so we can destroy them as a symbolic gesture.

 

Ok, but she is only agreeing to this because she got caught. Otherwise she'd still be in contact with him behind your back.

 

 

I know her, I was just blind to the full potential of what that meant. This revelation hasnt really changed that. But equally because I know her, i know how this has affected her and unless I am WAAAAAAAAAY off mark, I dont believe she will do anything even slightly similar again.

 

Only way to make sure of that is to put her on house arrest and get access to all of her social networking accounts, emails, etc.

 

Unless that is you want to just blindly trust her, which if you believe she will never even come close to cheating again, is exactly what you'll be doing.

 

Because if you believe what you just said, there will be no need for any suspicion, and you will be trusting her completely. If you don't trust her completely, then you can't make the bolded statement above.

 

For the moment, I am still working through the details. Understanding who, what, when, where, why, and how. When i get all that straight in my mind, I will be able to establish *IF* I can deal with it. And if it turns out I cant... if all the reality finally kicks in... then that's it, shes gone, but I would prefer to persevere and try to rebuild something if possible.

 

IMO, only way to rebuild anything with someone that has cheated is to break up for a long while, then come back later and start new. But I wouldn't even do that, but thats just me.

 

Ultimately all those just saying "dump her" might as well stop posting because in my mind its not that simple.

 

Well we get these posts all the time. People only wanting to hear what they already made up their mind as to their chosen path. So I guess why bother asking the questions.

 

Ok my man, learn the hard way.

Edited January 29, 2013 by nofool4u

[Running Man]

"I know her, I was just blind to the full potential of what that meant. This revelation hasnt really changed that. But equally because I know her, i know how this has affected her and unless I am WAAAAAAAAAY off mark, I dont believe she will do anything even slightly similar again."

 

You know then why the contradictory statements?. You are already setting yourself up for failure. Good luck to you because your going to need it.

[2sunny]

So what is it you want help with?

[NervisPervis]

Move on folks. Nothing more to see here. He's made up his mind.

 

Good luck OP. Get ready for a lifetime of doubts and lying.

[Darren Steez]

Kind of pointless thread no? He's taken her back. End of.

[MrMcBobski]

How is it a pointless thread?

 

I posted my situation, and asked for advice. Apparently the whole point of this site. People offered advice. I chose to accept some of it, and ignore other bits of it.

 

Just because *YOUR* advice is the advice I chose not to take, doesnt make this thread any less relevant than any other.

 

Everyones situations and feelings are different. If you are too arrogant to think everyone has to behave like you, or do exactly what you say, then... quite honestly... f*** you.

 

If it doesnt work out then so be it, I can see a *LOT* of possible, and significant, reasons why it might not, and I am dealing with each of those points as they come up, but right now I am willing to at least *TRY* and work it out.

 

I was, and still am, interested in alternative options, and opinions, on my specific situation so I can better deal with it. So if anyone else has anything to offer, then thats great. If not then thats fine too. I have enough information, from her, the OM, this thread, and others, to be able to proceed the way *I* want to. The way *I* am comfortable. Which is ultimately all that matters.

[Chi townD]

You are ABSOLUTELY right. This is an ADVICE forum. And you are free to listen and ask questions. But, bottomline, this is your life. You have to live it. We don't.

 

But, you have to understand that a lot of us have been where you are right now and we see the type of behavior your girl is doing to you time and time again. As unique as your situation seems to you, it's old hat to some of us here. Cheaters ALWAYS go by an unwritten text book. And some of us have been here long enough to see the signs that, perhaps, you are overlooking because you're clouded by your feelings towards her and blinded by love for this person.

 

So, sometimes it's frustrating to see something that you refuse to see. Sometimes people can get a little harsh with their comments, kinda hit you in the head with a 2x4. But, they're not doing it to be self rightous jack asses. It's because they don't want to see you hurting anymore than what you already are,

[warmsaki]

SORRY dude, really hard to stomach- but she's talking utter none sense -

gonna hurt .. and you probably dont wanna hear it

but get the hell out ..

[warmsaki]

ok trust me , men dont buy women things if they aint - getting nuttin' ..you know? .. imagine a cave man hunting a deer, chasing it down all day, his arrows to kill it .. skinning it ... dryng the hide, and taking to the female in his community .. you really think the cave man is expecting nothing? ..same deal here- he's buying your wife stuff as a token.

... the best thing you can do , is remove yourself from the equation - this will cause the man to lose his comfort zone ... and your girlfriend... the fun disappears , the excitement, and theyre left two single people ... the man doesnt want to commit , your wife wont understand why- after all he wants her right? ..WRONG!!!! . he will run a mile ...he'll be revealed for what he is ... for her , the fun will vanish -coz whats fun about sleeping with a guy when your single ... the foundations will collapse ... those foundations are YOU!. ...or you can continue to live in the prison you have created for yourself .. your home is your prison , the lies are the bars ... your wife the jailer ... your joint bank accounts your prison term ... dont die a bitter old fart who'll probably put a knife in her back when she's 70 ... pah! LIFES TOO SHORT MATE ... if your british - call and you want my number to chat, we'll get a few beers or whatever ..and i'll chat to you about it - trust me , been there done that... but seriously 'da **** man?' grow a set - plenty of females out there ... if i were you start scaling back all your ties with her now ..so your basically removing all links to her... whilst still living there, you know ... put money into another account, bin clothes n stuff you dont need , establish a place you could go to at short notice ... have a 'plan' ... 10 years in your situation sounds **** .. but not half as bad as 20 years ... 30 ..40 ..ya know?

[2sunny]

How is it a pointless thread?

 

I posted my situation, and asked for advice. Apparently the whole point of this site. People offered advice. I chose to accept some of it, and ignore other bits of it.

 

Just because *YOUR* advice is the advice I chose not to take, doesnt make this thread any less relevant than any other.

 

Everyones situations and feelings are different. If you are too arrogant to think everyone has to behave like you, or do exactly what you say, then... quite honestly... f*** you.

 

If it doesnt work out then so be it, I can see a *LOT* of possible, and significant, reasons why it might not, and I am dealing with each of those points as they come up, but right now I am willing to at least *TRY* and work it out.

 

I was, and still am, interested in alternative options, and opinions, on my specific situation so I can better deal with it. So if anyone else has anything to offer, then thats great. If not then thats fine too. I have enough information, from her, the OM, this thread, and others, to be able to proceed the way *I* want to. The way *I* am comfortable. Which is ultimately all that matters.

 

Did you have a question at this point? Second time I've asked.

[loversquarrel]

To all those saying she should take a polygraph: are you insane?

 

When it's time to have your girlfriend take a polygraph, your relationship is well and truly over. Dead and buried. Six feet under.

 

He should just say: hey, you know what? I thought I had a life with you. I was wrong, obviously. You might not be a bad person, but our trust is broken. Our relationship will never be the same. It is time to explore other horizons.

 

That's it. How difficult can that be?

 

Yeah, I agree. The OP already knows she cheated along with more details than he probably cared to know. What more damage could a polygraph uncover?

[jlola]

I am still in shock she allowed some "man" to take suggestive pictures of her. Completely disrespectful to you since she was in a relationship at the time. In fact, I always advice any women NOT to allow a man(unless in a long term committed relationship to take those sort of pics. even in a committed relationship I would not) this tells me a lot about her character.

 

If he still has the pictures ask to see them. It may give you a reality check!

 

I agree with the fact the affair ended not out of love and respect for you. But because this man was out of the country.

 

I don't know, I have had men offer to buy me things. I have had men chase me relentlessly. I always knew I had a choice to say NO!!! She put herself in a very compromising position when she allowed the pictures to be taken.WHY WOULD SHE ALLOW THAT?? It really says alot about her. I understand mistakes happen. But it seems she had plenty of time to change her mind and she did not.

 

I also cannot comprehend why this man would not have been a bad trigger to her. I have never cheated. But I can imagine if I did and felt shame about it, I would not be chatting and eventually going shopping with a man who is a reminder of my betrayal to someone I supposedly love. I would avoid him like a plague. It would make me sick to my stomach to see this "reminder".

 

You may love her and I understand that. But this a woman capable of huge deception. For some reason you are reluctant to let her go. It amazes me that on a planet of 7 Billion people, the cheater is the one you think is your one and only.

[road]

You are ABSOLUTELY right. This is an ADVICE forum. And you are free to listen and ask questions. But, bottomline, this is your life. You have to live it. We don't.

 

But, you have to understand that a lot of us have been where you are right now and we see the type of behavior your girl is doing to you time and time again. As unique as your situation seems to you, it's old hat to some of us here. Cheaters ALWAYS go by an unwritten text book. And some of us have been here long enough to see the signs that, perhaps, you are overlooking because you're clouded by your feelings towards her and blinded by love for this person.

 

So, sometimes it's frustrating to see something that you refuse to see. Sometimes people can get a little harsh with their comments, kinda hit you in the head with a 2x4. But, they're not doing it to be self rightous jack asses. It's because they don't want to see you hurting anymore than what you already are,

 

 

Exactly, we have seen this story too many times and know that your story is not unique or special and what really happened.

[nofool4u]

How is it a pointless thread?

 

Because your mind is made up and you don't want to hear anything, from people that have been there, that goes against that.

 

 

I posted my situation, and asked for advice.

 

And you clearly told us that you are only looking to hear that which conforms to your desires, in the form of telling us not to post.

 

Apparently the whole point of this site. People offered advice. I chose to accept some of it, and ignore other bits of it.

 

No, you told people on one side of the fence of the advice to not bother posting since it doesn't conform with what you want to hear, therefore its pointless.

 

If you want to keep her and make excuses for her, then do so. You don't need people in this forum to validate your thoughts.

 

 

Just because *YOUR* advice is the advice I chose not to take, doesnt make this thread any less relevant than any other.

 

You can take whatever advice you like. But when you tell almost everyone that has told you the truth as they see it and tell them they needn't bother posting any longer, it tells us you only want to hear what you want to hear, and that you aren't looking for advice, but rather validation.

 

So you are validated. Good luck.

 

Everyones situations and feelings are different. If you are too arrogant to think everyone has to behave like you, or do exactly what you say, then... quite honestly... f*** you.

 

And this is the attitude I expected.

 

 

I was, and still am, interested in alternative options, and opinions

 

Uh, no, you aren't. You told us to not bother posting.

[Phateless]

you've only seen the chat logs on your own network. what about other networks, or text messages, etc? I think you need access to her wireless account so you can see the full scope of their communication.

[MrMcBobski]

Because your mind is made up and you don't want to hear anything, from people that have been there, that goes against that.

 

My mind is not made up. Its very much in a complete mess right now as I really don't know what to do. I would like OPTIONS. Regardless of what *YOU* think I should do, there is always more than one solution to a problem and I simply wont accept that the ONLY option here is "dump her".

 

It may well be that is the option I end up going with, however, I *WILL NOT* make that decision until I have weighed up all the possible options, and at the moment you lot are being incredibly singular in your responses.

 

 

Uh, no, you aren't. You told us to not bother posting.

 

It only takes one of you to offer the opinion of "dump her" and then that opinion has been aired. As it happens a lot of you have said this, so now I see that this is quite a common opinion. I dont need any more people to fill this thread with "dump her" posts, because i get it. I understand what you are saying. I might not agree with you but I understand.

 

So I am simply asking people who feel that way to step back and let other posters post. Or to post alternative views. Simply re-stating "dump her" or arguing that point every other post isnt even slightly constructive...

 

 

you've only seen the chat logs on your own network. what about other networks, or text messages, etc? I think you need access to her wireless account so you can see the full scope of their communication.

 

Google chat/talk logs the conversations on googles servers outside of my network.. I discovered the initial chats via my own logs, but as I had access to her mail before she was aware I knew, i managed to read ALL the historical logs going back several years in their un-altered state. She wasnt even aware it logged the chats until I showed her.

 

I also have read text messages from around the time this all happened. So I have a pretty good understanding of the full scope of what they talked about, and when.

 

As it happens they only talked, maybe, once a month, give or take. There appears to be no specific trigger or timing for the chats other than combined availability (i.e. both online at the same time). He was always the one to initiate the chats. And everything was pretty much idle banter about tv, sports, and weather. He would occasionally interject some sexual innuendo, and its clear she was uncomfortable with it from her responses.

 

 

Did you have a question at this point? Second time I've asked.

 

Yes, are there other options to simply "dump her"?

 

 

 

As a side note: Its interesting to read threads on this forum and see how men and women are treated very differently when similar threads are posted. From the threads that I skimmed over, most male OPs get "dump her" as a response. Most female OPs end up with "you can work it out".

[loversquarrel]

O.K., I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest another option. Stay with her and work it out by going to couples counseling.

 

You will have to forgive her. You will have to understand that you can never say "I trust you will never hurt me again" to her. You have to understand that the foundation of trust will forever be weakened by her actions. You will have to understand that you shared her with another man for up to 5 years of your life. You will have to understand that her chances of recidivism are well above average compared to a new woman you may meet, you will have to swallow your pride and bury your feelings of resentment when they surface, etc.,etc.,etc....

[Darren Steez]

How is it a pointless thread?

 

I posted my situation, and asked for advice. Apparently the whole point of this site. People offered advice. I chose to accept some of it, and ignore other bits of it.

 

Just because *YOUR* advice is the advice I chose not to take, doesnt make this thread any less relevant than any other.

 

Everyones situations and feelings are different. If you are too arrogant to think everyone has to behave like you, or do exactly what you say, then... quite honestly... f*** you.

 

If it doesnt work out then so be it, I can see a *LOT* of possible, and significant, reasons why it might not, and I am dealing with each of those points as they come up, but right now I am willing to at least *TRY* and work it out.

 

I was, and still am, interested in alternative options, and opinions, on my specific situation so I can better deal with it. So if anyone else has anything to offer, then thats great. If not then thats fine too. I have enough information, from her, the OM, this thread, and others, to be able to proceed the way *I* want to. The way *I* am comfortable. Which is ultimately all that matters.

 

charming...

[AlexDP]

Yeah, I agree. The OP already knows she cheated along with more details than he probably cared to know. What more damage could a polygraph uncover?

 

He's, quite obviously, a masochist. What kind of man allows to be run over like this? What's next, her pissing all over him in his sleep?

[MrMcBobski]

He's, quite obviously, a masochist. What kind of man allows to be run over like this? What's next, her pissing all over him in his sleep?

 

And thats bad? Some people enjoy watersports...

 

Seriously some of you are incredibly judgemental and self-righteous.