My girlfriend (and now fiance) of well over 10 years cheated on me 5 years ago

[road]

And thats bad? Some people enjoy watersports...

 

 

 

What sexual activities a couple do as consenting adults is one thing.

 

What your WW did was to you was not a consenting adult activity.

 

What you are doing, sticking your head in the sand is not an adult activity.

It is the activity of someone too afriad to face reality.

[Phateless]

Seriously some of you are incredibly judgemental and self-righteous.

 

That's very true and my least favorite thing about this place.

 

What other forums did you visit?

[nofool4u]

My mind is not made up. Its very much in a complete mess right now as I really don't know what to do. I would like OPTIONS. Regardless of what *YOU* think I should do, there is always more than one solution to a problem and I simply wont accept that the ONLY option here is "dump her".

 

It may well be that is the option I end up going with, however, I *WILL NOT* make that decision until I have weighed up all the possible options, and at the moment you lot are being incredibly singular in your responses.

 

 

 

 

It only takes one of you to offer the opinion of "dump her" and then that opinion has been aired. As it happens a lot of you have said this, so now I see that this is quite a common opinion. I dont need any more people to fill this thread with "dump her" posts, because i get it. I understand what you are saying. I might not agree with you but I understand.

 

So I am simply asking people who feel that way to step back and let other posters post. Or to post alternative views. Simply re-stating "dump her" or arguing that point every other post isnt even slightly constructive....

 

Ok. Good luck with that then.

[kdobbs]

OP, I know how you feel and I know it is difficult to read some of the comments. I posted here only 4 weeks ago in a situation where my girlfriend of 4 years cheated. My mindset again similar to yours.

 

Consider the long term of your relationship, I mean why would you want to be in a relationship where you probably aren't going to ever be fully trusting again? I mean are you going to continue to check her chat logs? Her receipts? Are you going to expect her to check in when she is out and about?

 

For your relationship to work, you are going to have to trust this women again. If you can't, you are just on a path to resentment.

 

It's been 4 weeks now without being with my ex and I can honestly tell you things get better. I thought my whole world was ending and I had never felt so alone. But things do get better, you interact with new females and focus on bettering yourself.

 

My ex is always contacting me, stupidly I answer sometimes because I feel bad and it's extremely hard to listen to someone I loved for so long so upset. As much as I would love to take her back, I know I can't, because the trust is gone.

 

I know trust takes work to build back, and I know for some people they can learn to trust again. If you feel you can, maybe you should give it another go. But if you don't believe you can fully trust her again, then I would advise you to get out now. Because at the end of the day, if you take her back and she either;

A) Cheats again

B) Your paranoia pushes her away and she ends things

 

You are going to feel so much worse off than you do now.

[loversquarrel]

Very well put.

[Talak7]

To all of you wonderful people who are saying "just dump her", I have a personal question.

 

What is the longest relationship you have ever been in?

 

3.5 years

 

And

 

Dump her ass....

 

Seriously? Why would you be okay with this?

 

You think we are stupid saying simplistically dump her....that we don't "understand" the "complications" of the "love we'll never understand you share". Shut up already - We've seen this 1000 times and most of us have experiences it personally - It's the simple way of saying what Kdobb said above.

 

Read Kdobbs post. and read it again.

 

If you found 1 guy 5 years ago, there's 5 more for every year since.

And re-read kdobbs post many times.

 

Yes, it'd be great if we could choose our feelings. But sooner or later you'll realize you can't choose to trust

Edited February 3, 2013 by Talak7

[Almond_Joy]

OP have you seen the pinned post in this forum with the letter to a wayward spouse?

 

Here it is: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

 

This post does a very good job of explaining what you as the betrayed partner is or will be experiencing, and what your wayward partner can do to work with you towards recovery.

 

If you're still trying to work out what to do and how you're feeling that post will be tremendously helpful for you and her as a guide through this process.

[MrMcBobski]

OP have you seen the pinned post in this forum with the letter to a wayward spouse?

 

Here it is: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

 

This post does a very good job of explaining what you as the betrayed partner is or will be experiencing, and what your wayward partner can do to work with you towards recovery.

 

If you're still trying to work out what to do and how you're feeling that post will be tremendously helpful for you and her as a guide through this process.

 

I have seen this post, and she has also seen and read it multiple times. It has helped a lot so far.

[MrMcBobski]

Wait are you letting your GF read this? I hope not because that would be a very bad move on your behalf.

 

What makes you say that?

[MrMcBobski]

I must have misread but I thought you wrote that your GF was reading these post

 

I dont see why that would make any difference either. We are talking about everything mentioned in this thread, and more, so if she read this theres nothing here we havent covered.

[SushiX]

She cheated but won't admit it. This happened to me too. Leave her now bro! You have been warned!

[MrMcBobski]

So, does she know you are posting here? And does she know the website?

 

If yes then you have seriously destroyed your ability to use whatever advice you get here.

 

I still dont see why this is a problem. As i said, we have been talking about everything said in here anyway. We are trying to work through everything, including addressing all the points and suggestions people have made.

 

If i was looking for ways to "get her back" or trying to cover things up then yes, letting her see this would be a bad move, but I am doing exactly what she DIDNT do by being honest and open about everything.

 

 

You may not realize this now but you will your GF got caught cheating on you and is lying to minimize the damage. I know you think your relationship is special but it isn't. I know you think your situation is unique but its not.

 

I dont think my situation or relationship is unique or special. If i did, why would I think that anyone here could offer advice on what to do. I do, however, think the people in the situation are different from most, but I really dont see the point in explaining why as no body seems to want to listen anyway.

 

 

You need to stop thinking with your emotions, realize that nice guys finish last and start seeing this scenario for what it really is.

 

Im really not being emotional about this. I am being linear and methodical. Gathering as much information about all aspects of the affair as I can, from as many sources as I can. Looking at all my options, assessing them for merit and discarding the poor choices. Currently "dumping her" *IS* still on the table. Its not the most desirable option I will admit, but if I dont get a better result from my other options then I will have no choice.

[MrMcBobski]

She cheated but won't admit it. This happened to me too. Leave her now bro! You have been warned!

 

Have you actually read the thread ? She has admitted it and confessed everything, albeit pretty late in the game. This isnt a "i think my gf is cheating" thread. We are well past that point.

[Almond_Joy]

You may get more balanced perspectives on another forum, OP. Google altPenis or Aphrodite Women's discussion. Either forum is good, but the women's one has a forum specifically for relationships.

[drifter777]

Im really not being emotional about this. I am being linear and methodical. Gathering as much information about all aspects of the affair as I can, from as many sources as I can. Looking at all my options, assessing them for merit and discarding the poor choices. Currently "dumping her" *IS* still on the table. Its not the most desirable option I will admit, but if I dont get a better result from my other options then I will have no choice.

 

This is the thing that all of us BS's hate reading. We know you are simply covering up, emotionally, and that won't work for very long. You need to get out of your head and feel her betrayal so you can truly make the decision that's best for you in the long run. You are going to say that you've already "felt" the hurt, but you've compartmentalized it and shoved it back in your mind so you can "think clearly". You need to process your emotions along with thinking to make the best decision.

[MrMcBobski]

This is the thing that all of us BS's hate reading. We know you are simply covering up, emotionally, and that won't work for very long. You need to get out of your head and feel her betrayal so you can truly make the decision that's best for you in the long run. You are going to say that you've already "felt" the hurt, but you've compartmentalized it and shoved it back in your mind so you can "think clearly". You need to process your emotions along with thinking to make the best decision.

 

No, what you are saying is i should sit her and dwell on the point. Think about it over and over again until i become a jibbering wreck, sobbing over how terrible this all is until i have no choice to dump her because thats what you think I should do.

 

I have never dealt with things in that way, but that doesnt mean I am blocking it all out. This isnt some macho bulls**t either. I couldnt be less macho if I tried.

 

I have felt the pain of what she did. I have cried about it. I have sat and thought long, and hard about what she did. About what I did, could have done, should have done at the time. Was it my fault, how could she do this... all of that.

 

I am not blocking my feelings out. Its just that I dont work that way. I am logical, methodical, and systematic. And thats why I am on these forums, to gather research, options, suggestions, and alternative opinions. Its why I have posted the same question to several forums like this one.

 

I have several key steps I want to go through before making a final decision over whether I am going to draw a line under this relationship, and I am ticking them off one by one.

[drifter777]

No, what you are saying is i should sit her and dwell on the point. Think about it over and over again until i become a jibbering wreck, sobbing over how terrible this all is until i have no choice to dump her because thats what you think I should do.

 

I have never dealt with things in that way, but that doesnt mean I am blocking it all out. This isnt some macho bulls**t either. I couldnt be less macho if I tried.

 

I have felt the pain of what she did. I have cried about it. I have sat and thought long, and hard about what she did. About what I did, could have done, should have done at the time. Was it my fault, how could she do this... all of that.

 

I am not blocking my feelings out. Its just that I dont work that way. I am logical, methodical, and systematic. And thats why I am on these forums, to gather research, options, suggestions, and alternative opinions. Its why I have posted the same question to several forums like this one.

 

I have several key steps I want to go through before making a final decision over whether I am going to draw a line under this relationship, and I am ticking them off one by one.

 

Actually, no - I never said any of those things. But, hey - it's your life so do what you want.

[MrMcBobski]

Ok, I will try to explain this as clearly as I possibly can. Your gf got caught cheating and is most likely lying to you to minimize the damage she caused. Almost all female and male cheaters follow the same pattern. They lie, they blame shift, and they gaslight.

 

This forum is meant to give you advice on the entire scenario and not just what you think you need to know. By letting her know that you post here you take away one of your most important tools. That tool is the ability to understand what tactic she will use and what is the best way to deal with it. When she changes and throws something new at you people on this board who have experienced the same thing can give very valuable advice to handle it.

 

This forum is a place where you will post your thoughts and upcoming decisions. You have now taken the privacy away. She now has the ability to understand what is going on in your head and you do not have the same ability to understand her because she is most likely going to lie.

 

For lack of a better phrase you have shown her your hand but you have no idea what she is holding

 

I understand your point. But I don't think it applies in my specific situation.

 

Im sure you will write everything i say next as "shes lying, get over it, blah blah blah..."

 

We have talked about what she did, how she lied to me, then, how she lied by omission over the years, how she lied explicitly to me when she saw him last year and this xmas.

 

It wasnt until we talked about this that it really hit her, and i mean REALLY hit her, how deceptive she had been. The small "white lies" she thought she was telling at the time, when looked at in retrospect are actually massive and deliberate deceptions and it hit her like a tonne of bricks.

 

We then talked about what it was that made her do it, and how she got herself into the position of even being round his house, let alone in his bed.

 

We talked about her lack of assertiveness, cowardice and weak willed nature meant that when she thought it was wrong she didnt leave, but just went along with what he suggested.

 

We talked about how she has lied to me both by omission and by lying deliberately about what she was doing. To her friends by suggesting that nothing was wrong, and that she was a faithful girlfriend. And most significantly, to her mother, whos opinion is very significant to her.

 

Even if she is lying about the number of times, or exactly what she did, or who with, she cant really make things any worse for herself at the moment. We have discussed that, and she swears that the story she has told me is as close to the truth as she can remember, and given the level of detail she has given me I believe what she has said.

 

She now realises what a massive problem she has caused, and we discussed steps to to help her improve herself in the long term.

 

She says she NEVER wants to repeat this EVER again. She wants to have therapy to try to improve her self confidence to avoid getting into situations where she cant say no. She wants to improve herself, to help us. But also to help herself regardless of weather or not we are together.

 

I pointed out that while that is commendable, they are just words. And if she is going to follow through with them she needs to have someone who is outside of our relationship who can hold her accountable for her actions. Currently the only people who know what happened are me and her. (and you lot, but you dont know who we are) She needs someone we know, who we can both trust, who she has to confess everything to. Someone who will judge her for what she has done, and judge her if she does it again regardless of weather she does it to me, or the next man, or the man after that...

 

She is going to confess everything, in detail (not too much detail obviously) to her mother. She will feel the fear, anger, and despair from someone who she cant just throw away, and move on. Her mother and I also get on very well, so she will very likely take my side in all this (as she has done in arguments in the past). And I will be there the whole time to ensure there are no changes to her story.

 

She may also do the same to a therapist / counsellor, for an impartial reaction and advice.

 

My point being is that she is not trying to "game" me. She isnt using tactics. She is not looking for an angle to make it better for her. Everything she has told me to date has only made it worse for her. I have not hidden my motives at any point and I dont need to, and why should I stoop to her level and start lying and covering stuff up. Also if what you say is true, and all this is just a carbon copy of so many previous affairs, then surely 2 minutes on google will find any number of cases that she can draw inspiration from.

 

Lastly, if you want to return to your gambling metaphor, I haven't showed her my hand, i have shown her the whole deck. She knows what cards are available, but not which cards I will pick up. I, on the other hand, am counting cards, and while i may not be 100% certain of what she has, I have a pretty good idea. I am just biding my time on weather to go all in, or just fold.

 

 

 

 

Im sure this is where someone chirps up with "oh yeh, my gf was like that, and then 2 weeks later she was boning the pool boy"... well, all I can say is no two people are alike. They may have similar traits, but the actions of one person will never be the same as another. So I will take all your comments as *ADVICE* and nothing more, and I will weigh that against the evidence she provided, the facts that i have gathered, and the views from other sources and make my decision then.

[MrMcBobski]

So going by what everyone is saying here.

 

Every account of infidelity is 100% deliberate. The cheater sought their partner out with that exact goal in mind from the outset. There was NEVER any confusion. There were NEVER any mitigating circumstances.

 

0% of cheaters have psychological issues that mean they end up in situations they cant deal with.

 

When caught 100% of cheaters lie 100% of the time.

 

100% of cheaters alter or trickle any truth they do reveal to try to make things seem better than it really was.

 

100% of cheaters re-offend.

 

The only remorseful cheater is one who confesses the second it happens.

 

There is NEVER any chance of reconciliation.

[Darren Steez]

I'm thinking the advice has stopped now. OP has obviously got it under control. Move on.

[loversquarrel]

So going by what everyone is saying here.

 

Every account of infidelity is 100% deliberate. The cheater sought their partner out with that exact goal in mind from the outset. There was NEVER any confusion. There were NEVER any mitigating circumstances.

 

0% of cheaters have psychological issues that mean they end up in situations they cant deal with.

 

When caught 100% of cheaters lie 100% of the time.

 

100% of cheaters alter or trickle any truth they do reveal to try to make things seem better than it really was.

 

100% of cheaters re-offend.

 

The only remorseful cheater is one who confesses the second it happens.

 

There is NEVER any chance of reconciliation.

 

Concerning your list of percentiles you overlooked something very important. You will never be able to trust her 100%. Ever again. Say that to yourself out loud, then understand how hollow that will feel in your future relationship with her. The crack in the foundation is there and may be repairable, but the future structural integrity has forever been compromised.

[MrMcBobski]

Concerning your list of percentiles you overlooked something very important. You will never be able to trust her 100%. Ever again. Say that to yourself out loud, then understand how hollow that will feel in your future relationship with her. The crack in the foundation is there and may be repairable, but the future structural integrity has forever been compromised.

 

While i understand that... let me put a spin on that for a moment.

 

When you meet someone for the first time, you have zero reason to trust them. They have earn't no trust from you. Over the relationship they have to build that trust.

 

Technically this is much the same. She currently has zero trust, and must rebuild any that we had. That doesnt mean I can never trust her again, it just means for a long while we wont have the trust we had.

 

I know a stranger doesnt have the "known liar" aspect, which does go against her. But then, is a "known liar" worse than an "unknown liar" ? The random stranger you meet in a bar could be a serial cheater and you wouldnt know until you find out the hard way. At least in my current situation I know what I am dealing with, and we can take measures to reduce the chances of possible future offences.

 

 

 

I dunno, it was just my gut reaction to your post really.

[drifter777]

I know a stranger doesnt have the "known liar" aspect, which does go against her. But then, is a "known liar" worse than an "unknown liar" ? The random stranger you meet in a bar could be a serial cheater and you wouldnt know until you find out the hard way. At least in my current situation I know what I am dealing with, and we can take measures to reduce the chances of possible future offences.

 

I'd always take my chances with a new girl not known to be a liar - but that's just me.

 

You have yourself convinced; why are you still trying to convince us?

[Zetarry]

Dear OP, how are things going with your fiance? I don't want to advise you to leave her nor to stay with her. I want to present you my own case and you can judge for yourself. I have been with my bf for almost 4 years. I was a virgin when i met him and i enjoyed his presence a lot, i started to care about him and we were together for about 7 months when some things in his behaviour started to annoy me. Anyway, he left for about 2 weeks to a different country, i was so stressed out cuz i was looking for a job etc. And one of his friends invited me over for a movie, acted really nice, things escalated he began to kiss me and i couldnt say No or do anything. I knew it was wrong but after a week or so i lost my v to him and our 'adventure' lasted for about a month. After my bf came back i started to have sex with him as well which was wrong to do, i know. he didnt suspect anything, i thought. wrong. My bf is analytical as u are and he swore we can make it work i tried to hide things from him like details but i ended up telling him the truth which was the worst mistake. He has thrown that in my face over the past years and keeps repeating everything he went through bcz of me and i regret it. But the point is: i didnt love him. At the time we were together i didnt love him. If i did, i would have never allowed that guy to come close to me. Truth is, i dont even know if i love him now. He is a great guy with rare qualities but i dnt know if thats why Im with him or bcz i love him. Sorry for the long post. Ultimately, u need to ask ursel: does she really love you? Or are you the 'good' guy, the best choice for her?

[Soxfaninfl]

To all of you wonderful people who are saying "just dump her", I have a personal question.

 

What is the longest relationship you have ever been in?

 

Dump her! I was with my ex-wife for 13 years. You have no kids with her. You will never be able to trust her again. Refinance your home and get her off the mortgage or vice versa and have a clean break. I envy you because you have no kids with her. I have to deal with my ex untill my son is 18. My son is only 9.