sunshine6 Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 Why do the exMM always contact you after things have ended? Even if they were the one to end it? Do you all think the man is more likely to be the one to come back around? Is it usually guaranteed this will continue? Just thinking about this... What do you all think? Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 I often wondered that. This is probably their answer. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
wisernow Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 Why do the exMM always contact you after things have ended? Even if they were the one to end it? Do you all think the man is more likely to be the one to come back around? Is it usually guaranteed this will continue? Just thinking about this... What do you all think? Only if you allow it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 Completely anecdotal. Men have a hard time breaking things off. When they fall, they fall. You also may not realize how difficult it is to enter into a relationship with an OW. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunshine6 Posted January 26, 2013 Author Share Posted January 26, 2013 Completely anecdotal. Men have a hard time breaking things off. When they fall, they fall. You also may not realize how difficult it is to enter into a relationship with an OW. Can you explain that male perspective for me? I'm interested to hear it. We don't seem to read much from the male view. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 Can you explain that male perspective for me? I'm interested to hear it. We don't seem to read much from the male view. Once men get attached, they have a very hard time letting go. They may go through all sorts of rituals of saying "good bye", etc., but the mark is there. They don't want to lose it. It may be a few months, a few years, but the mark is there. If if he falls in love with you, you will always be there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 How it manifests itself will not always be evident/obvious, or pretty, but it will always be there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Journee Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 How it manifests itself will not always be evident/obvious, or pretty, but it will always be there. I would love to pick your brain about this but do not wish to thread jack. I am not sure if my line of questioning would be helpful to the OP or not. Perhaps I will change forums and start a thread. OP, I'm sorry you are hurting. It's a tough space to be in trying to gauge how another feels. You and I are on different ends of this destructive spectrum but it's pain none the less. I hope you find the answer you are looking for. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunshine6 Posted January 26, 2013 Author Share Posted January 26, 2013 I agree, Journee. I would be interested to hear more from Realist, as well. In my situation, he has not said he loves me, we have not had sex, and he doesn't claim to be in a terrible marriage. He doesn't even seem to want more than the status quo, which I don't either. He has said that he just isn't in love with her. He has only been married to her for a couple of years. I just don't get why, if he's not in an unhappy marriage or any of the other reasons, why he continues to hang around me, get my attention, declare his feelings, etc. I'm sick of it and it's confusing. Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 They love you or maybe it is just the sex. So do you think the converse is true? If they DON'T contact you again after NC, did they not love you and/or do not miss the sex? Link to post Share on other sites
egalew Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 Ego stroking. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rjasmin Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 Hi im new here. Let me share my story i have almost 2 years and half year to a MM . I meet here when i work far a way from my family . I live with my self only. Far away from my family thats the frist time to be work far. He have a motorcycle. We started to talk and ride to his motor. We travel all place that i like. And discover some places. He start to court me and have daily conversation. At a start of getting to know each other my MM tells about the his family her own family. When i hear from here i have an to reject here and stop the conversation with here. But i continue seeing with MM. we continue the flow. When i aasign near from my home town and mm layoff to her job. He plan to set an business and i support. My family , friends know that im a single. But when we go near on the first that we meet area people know that we are a couple. As of now i have a hard time to decide i will continue this kind of situation. I want to end this but i cannot. I wish that the things we plan to have an end. But we have to fix all thing that both of us has equaly success . I want to have a simple life. Not like this if i want to have him. My mm not here. I have a big responsibilities to my family. Im still single when i here in my family. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 I would love to pick your brain about this but do not wish to thread jack. I am not sure if my line of questioning would be helpful to the OP or not. Perhaps I will change forums and start a thread. OP, I'm sorry you are hurting. It's a tough space to be in trying to gauge how another feels. You and I are on different ends of this destructive spectrum but it's pain none the less. I hope you find the answer you are looking for. Sure. Give it a try. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 I agree, Journee. I would be interested to hear more from Realist, as well. In my situation, he has not said he loves me, we have not had sex, and he doesn't claim to be in a terrible marriage. He doesn't even seem to want more than the status quo, which I don't either. He has said that he just isn't in love with her. He has only been married to her for a couple of years. I just don't get why, if he's not in an unhappy marriage or any of the other reasons, why he continues to hang around me, get my attention, declare his feelings, etc. I'm sick of it and it's confusing. Because he found someone he likes more. You. Link to post Share on other sites
promises Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 Honorable people break up cleanly, I agree. Insecure people do the song "You keep me hanging on" over and over again. I've only had this experience you mention with the xMM. All other men have been honorable. Go ahead and say I'm dishonorable as well for being the OW but, I will say that I have NEVER felt more played on even close to this scale or met a larger, smoother, more diligent manipulative person than he has shown himself to be and continues to be. Holding on to contact with me by a lifeline while telling his W and family that he is in treatment/therapy what have you and well, wow.. how exhausting. Perhaps there was love there and he misses that. There is a part of me that would like to believe that for my own sanity. Partially, it was the physical connection for sure. But, now, I believe it's about a time-bomb in his life and he's still not sure if 'they' will make it completely. So, he's holding on to the reserve. I've never dated someone who played this game or had a serious relationship with someone who did either. Which leads me to the conclusion that people who cheat in their marriages have serious issues within them or within themselves. (My personal grievances accounted for during this A). Link to post Share on other sites
promises Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 Most OWs are played by skillful MOM that ooze charm. They court women in a more detailed manner and if the OW is vulnerable she falls. That is no loss of honor, we are all human. And BTW, women players and MOWs do the same thing to nice men. The only thing that counts is what you do now as you move on. You are doing fine and it seems you are highly attractive and the the single guys like you. Thanks for this response and saying I am doing fine. This has been the most unreal, emotional experience within the realm of relationships I have ever experienced in my life. One which is incredibly isolating as the xOW. I needed to hear that, so I appreciate it, Pierre. Link to post Share on other sites
promises Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 And sometimes OW ESP MW play too. Sometimes one is playing and sometimes both. OW are far from blameless but of corse once dumped its all everyone else's fault. I know a MOW who definitely played her OM. He's married too of course and far from blameless but it seems to me that it is unrelated to gender as to who is more or less honorable amongst theives. it is interesting that you should even associate yourself with such people. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 it is interesting that you should even associate yourself with such people. Perhaps one of the best statements I have ever read on this board. Link to post Share on other sites
wisernow Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 That would be so if I was friends with WS or OW/M. Most of those I know closely (family or very close friends) have been betrayed, or are the children who were damaged by the betrayal. The only cheaters in my life that you might cal me out on are: my BIL (well I stand by my sister, and at least he is trying, I don't know if I'll ever forgive him even if she does), a relation who is a MOW - can't choose relations but I have as little as I can to do with her, she disgusts me, and my father who again, I have as little as possible to do with. So it is hardly by choice that I associate with cheaters. The one cheater I have reserved my judgement on is the one who is trying his ass off to make good. And who can actually coherently explain why he wants to come back to the family and why he is disgusted by his exOW (and that does nothing to let him off the hook). So flame away. My point is anti-stereotype. You can't say oh big nasty MM preyed on, played the poor OW… when plenty go the other way. Both are to blame. Both have poor values and morals. Either may one day pick themselves up and be a better person. Part of judging bad behavior is believing in redemption. End t/j You probably are friends (albeit, unknowingly) with OW/OM, you just don't know it. Your vehemence is obvious and perhaps really close. I feel for your "BIL", i would bet his "sentence" is one of life. Your judgement is harsh, harsh even for even the anti-affair folks here. I wish you could find some peace, as you have obviously been wounded greatly, and I'm not talking about your supposed sister. Link to post Share on other sites
promises Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 So it is hardly by choice that I associate with cheaters. End t/j But, MFH, you are associating with us. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
promises Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 I wish you could find some peace, as you have obviously been wounded greatly, and I'm not talking about your supposed sister. When people are in pain (for whatever reason) they are angry. When people feel wronged, they act out. When people feel loss, perhaps they act irrationally. This could be said in a whole array of situations. It's plausible that even an OW could be acting in a way unlike her very nature. Link to post Share on other sites
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