How do I "own" my social-awkwardness?

[SpiralOut]

One of my worst fears is for someone to point out my social awkwardness to others. And this has, in fact, happened a number of times, so it's not like I'm being paranoid about this. This fear is part of what prevents me from actually going out and socializing at all. What's the point of socializing if I will just be criticized for sucking at it, or for not doing it enough.

 

I want to get over this fear. I have been working very hard on my social skills and I think they are getting better, but I know I have lots of work to do still. So until I get from point A to point B, I will be stuck in this awkward phase. I am thinking maybe the best way for me to deal with it is to just accept it? Maybe I should just OWN the fact that I am awkward. That way if someone tries to call me out on it, I can just tell them that yes, that's right, I'm awkward, thank you for noticing. I think that maybe doing that will make them shut up and realize what jerks they are being.

 

What sort of comebacks do you think I could say? I don't want to put myself down, but I don't want to pretend to them that I am the best conversationalist ever.

 

examples of things people have said to me . . . .

 

"you aren't very good at this are you? It's a good thing you didn't become a psychologist [what I studied in school] because you need to be good at talking to people for that." *looks at the person beside me and says, "yeah she's not very good at this."

 

THAT came from an older woman who went through for some sort of psychotherapist program and ended up not finishing it. I wanted soo badly to tell her it's a damn good thing she never became a therapist since SHE doesn't know how to talk to people.

 

that's the only example I can think of right now, but there is more where that came from. Last year I was targeted by a crazy woman who constantly pointed out the flaws of my social life every chance she got, sometimes alone with me and sometimes humiliating me in front of others.

 

Ideas please!!!

[NewPerspective93]

I don't think you should come up with any comebacks, it seems as if though you're being insulted and you're taking it really deep. Well, yes, you are being insulted, but coming up with comebacks won't get you far, in my opinion. Those types of comments do seem kind of hurtful, but I am a very sensitive person, so IDK, lol. I understand the social awkwardness, so I get your point. Why should you care if they say you are awkward?

 

Let it go, it doesn't mean much if people say that type of stuff. It seems that the people who point out your idiosyncrasies are people who have stuff to work out themselves. Why should you care about what THEY say? It seems like you care a lot about what others think about you. Why worry and waste time over comments that other people say who still have their own **** to fix and deal with? No one's perfect.

 

Regardless, you should still stick it out and socialize when you can. The trick is to socialize, and increase in propensity as time progresses and as your comfort zone alters. Don't let a little awkwardness stop you from growing as a person and in nurturing and developing certain skills.

 

I think you should embrace your awkwardness, not everyone in this world is NOT awkward, lol. I went to volunteer at a nursing home earlier and I was very awkward when I played guitar in front of them since I messed up on some music I was performing, sending weird facial expressions and looking around hysterically as people watched. I've come to terms with how awkward I can be, and frankly, life seems a bit easier if you ask me. Some people just don't give a **** if you're awkward. Others...have their own s*** to deal with so maybe they take it out on you. You should figure this out since you studied psych, lmao.

 

But to answer your question, I probably would just say something like "Thank you", lol. Keep 'em confused.

 

Best of luck.

[KathyM]

[quote=NewPerspective93;4554441

 

It seems that the people who point out your idiosyncrasies are people who have stuff to work out themselves. Why should you care about what THEY say? It seems like you care a lot about what others think about you. Why worry and waste time over comments that other people say who still have their own **** to fix and deal with? No one's perfect. Don't let a little awkwardness stop you from growing as a person and in nurturing and developing certain skills.

 

I think you should embrace your awkwardness. I've come to terms with how awkward I can be, and frankly, life seems a bit easier if you ask me. Some people just don't give a **** if you're awkward. Others...have their own s*** to deal with so maybe they take it out on you.

The above are good points and deserve repeating. Everyone has their own shortcomings. Everyone. For you, perhaps you are a little shy and conversation doesn't flow so easily. That's OK. Nothing wrong with that. You may be dealing with a little shyness--they are dealing with some significant rudeness and insensitivity to so blatantly point this out to you.

 

And as far as therapists go, I know many, since I work with them, go to school with them, and study about them, and am working as one myself. They are all human and have their own shortcomings. Did you know that some of the most famous psychologists in history were struggling with their own social issues? I believe it was Albert Ellis, a famous psychologist, who had a social phobia that made him fear approaching women. He one day decided he was going to overcome that fear, so he forced himself to cold approach 100 women he met in the park one day, and asked each of them out on a date. He actually struck out with all of them, but the point being, here is this famous psychologist that was struggling with his own social phobia, and he put himself out there knowing he might be scrutinized and rejected, but he developed an attitude that he's not going to let his social phobia to hold him back from doing what he wants to do. So the moral of the story is be yourself. Don't worry what other people think. Accept that you are not perfect, and that is OK. Nobody is perfect. Maybe some other people have a smoother time with conversation, but they also have other shortcomings. Nobody is perfect, and you don't need to be either. The next time someone points out your shyness or your quietness, you could say: "I am kind of shy sometimes, but so is 50% of the population, so I'm fine with it." Normalize it to people if they have the nerve to point it out. Some of the most famous celebrities are shy people. Johnny Carson, the famous talk show host, was a shy man. It's not something to be ashamed of. It's just a personality trait that half of the population claims to have.

[Eternal Sunshine]

The person that points out your social awkwardness to others is an a-hole. You should freeze them out from your social circle.

[Taramere]

I am thinking maybe the best way for me to deal with it is to just accept it? Maybe I should just OWN the fact that I am awkward. That way if someone tries to call me out on it, I can just tell them that yes, that's right, I'm awkward, thank you for noticing. I think that maybe doing that will make them shut up and realize what jerks they are being.

 

I think you're onto something. I often have to speak in court or to Tribunals/Panels which doesn't come easy to somebody who used to have such a phobia about public speaking that she'd throw up before having to do seminars to other students. It was one of those situations where I just kept having to put myself through the hell of it until it got easier, but I also had hypnotherapy to help with it. That took the edge off. It didn't stop me being nervous, but I stopped going into panic attacks/being sick before hand.

 

So, I remember being in court during a morning of procedural hearings. We were all sitting down in the cafe afterwards and a fairly bitchy lawyer said to me "do you know that you go really pale when you're up there talking? You look really nervous and your hands were shaking when you went through your papers. Maybe you're not cut out for this." I said that I used to have a real phobia about public speaking and that if all I need to worry about now is a pale face and shaky hands then that was great progress. That I'd obviously made the right choice in going for something that would force me to overcome a fear, and that I was sure I'd get better with time and practice.

 

I don't think she had a clue how to come back to that. She'd already shown herself up as a bitch in front of a table of other lawyers who were looking askance at her. She probably thought it was worth showing her bitchy side in front of others if the net reward was that I reacted in a humiliated upset or angry way which would have added weight to the "you're not cut out for this kind of work" accusation.

 

There's little doubt in my mind that this woman was being catty to you, but that doesn't mean you have to respond in the way she's aiming for (eg emotional, upset, angry, offended). You can always opt for responding in a neutral, matter of fact sort of way, and I think it's usually best to do that when you're dealing with catty or passive aggressive individuals.

[Els]

One thing to note is that there will always be people who think that it makes them look good to put others down, like the people in your OP. The issue in that case is with them, not necessarily with you. If your social skills hadn't been awkward, she would have found something mean to say about your clothes, or your spouse, or your children, or your career choice, or... well, you get where I'm going. If she couldn't detect any visible weak spot in you, she would have just targeted someone else.

 

You need to remember that she doesn't necessarily have the upper hand here, and you don't need to 'wrest' it from her with an uppity comeback. Chances are that if she's doing it to you, she's doing it to plenty of others too, so most likely she's hurting her own image in the eyes of others more than yours when she does shyt like that.

 

My personal choice of response to such people is a bland smile and a, "Thank you for your input."

[ChessPieceFace]

The person that points out your social awkwardness to others is an a-hole. You should freeze them out from your social circle.

 

This. Start pruning your social circle. Anyone who says what you quoted is not your friend.

[SpiralOut]

Thank you all . . .

 

Just to clarify, when I say comeback I just mean how do I respond properly. I often don't know what to say because I don't want to lower myself to their level, but at the same time I don't want to react defensively. I am often left speechless. I don't know if it's a good idea to go speechless. I don't want the others around me to see me not standing up for myself because then it makes me a target to anyone else who's looking for one.

 

I'm starting to wonder if it might also work to just go quiet? Like just not say anything at all, and allow that person to let her own words sink in while everyone stands there staring at her not talking. I guess that might work in certain situations but not all.

 

Taramere: thanks for sharing your story. I like the idea of explaining things matter of factly. Like maybe I could calmly say that I deal with anxiety, and that I used to be a lot worse so I'm very happy with where I am today because I worked hard to get here.

 

EternalSunshine: Yeah I think that person is a bitch. Thing is, she's not a part of my social circle. She was just a friend of a friend at a party that I went to. That was my first (and only) time meeting her. Nine times out of ten, the people who talk to me that way are coworkers or people I am just meeting for the first time. I've been skipping my writing group because of a man there who speaks down to me and laughs at me while looking around at everyone to see if they're laughing too (they aren't). It pisses me off that I have to avoid the group now.

 

Kathy:Yeah I agree that even psychologists have issues. I wanted to explain to her that counselling someone is totally different from trying to socialize at a party but I was in so much shock that I couldn't get the words out of my mouth. I'm wondering if that would have been the best response, just explaining it to her like she is just some ignorant person who doesn't know anything.

 

Elswyth: I didn't even consider that she would just put me down for anything. That makes sense, though, now that you mention it.

Edited January 26, 2013 by SpiralOut

[RachR]

You're not socially awkward, you're quirky and charming!

 

To get over social awkwardness, you have to get out there and practice at being social, it's the only way.

 

Believe me, I know, I can be really awkward sometimes...ok, a lot. I get social anxiety, mainly in groups. I find it helps to focus your mind outside of yourself, as in don't think about yourself in the moment, but focus on what's going on around you, focus on another person (but not what they may think about you, but say, wonder what their interests might be, where they have been, etc).

 

As for people who try to put you down and humiliate you, the best thing I think you can do is do something that disarms them and illustrates they have no power over you. And I agree with others, act neutral in some way (or for me, I might be tempted to be patronizing or act like I'm amused by their silliness lol). Perhaps one way is to just acknowledge with a simple comment, such as, "Ah, that's interesting," and continue on with another subject, pretty much dismissing what she said by default. Like a "That's nice, dear" sort of reaction (but not in a curt, angry way to show it got to you or anything).

 

 

And don't keep people like that around you. You have to be careful not to absorb what these types of people say, thinking that what they are saying is truth and you need to change yourself, when the reality is that you are ok even if you're awkward and she is just a b**** exaggerating your flaws trying to put you down!

Edited January 27, 2013 by RachR

[Eternal Sunshine]

Ah how I wish I could adopt Taramere's calm and composed response. I tend to veer from not saying a thing to coming across as very hostile.

 

This is how I deal with it:

 

Person: "ES, do you know that you come across as socially awkward?"

 

Me: <pissed-off voice> "Do you know that you come across as a bitch?"

 

Silence falls over the room.

 

Neither of us comes across as looking good.

[Taramere]

Ah how I wish I could adopt Taramere's calm and composed response. I tend to veer from not saying a thing to coming across as very hostile.

 

I wish I could adopt it when I'm standing up speaking in public.

 

I spent some of my twenties working in rough and tough children's homes. A challenge for a middle class INFP personality type, but it's a good training-for-life in the art of staying calm in the face of the most obnoxious and unfair commentary (and that was just dealing with some of the staff...). Very little surprised me in the way of people behaving in antisocial ways - from a little bit catty to downright psychopathic - after that experience.

[Taramere]

Taramere: thanks for sharing your story. I like the idea of explaining things matter of factly. Like maybe I could calmly say that I deal with anxiety, and that I used to be a lot worse so I'm very happy with where I am today because I worked hard to get here.

 

Years ago I saw this documentary about the work of plastic surgeon Archibald McIndoe. He reconstructed the faces of fighter pilots who had suffered terrible burns injuries in the Second World War.

 

As well as providing reconstructive surgery, he saw the importance of a psychological approach. These guys had to go down to the local village and they had to deal with people staring at them by responding in a very normal, matter of fact way. You could call it "planned ignoring" where the ex soldiers (or "McIndoe's Guinea Pigs as he called them, and as they called themselves) weren't actually ignoring the people who stared at them, but they were ignoring the shock and embarrassment of those people's reactions.

 

So even when you know very well that somebody is being catty or trying to humiliate you in front of others, you can choose to ignore that and respond to the comment/question in a straightforward way. For me, that time the other woman was shredding my performance, it was important to acknowledge that I knew I looked nervous...because to fail to acknowledge it would have looked dishonest and lacking in self awareness. The "you're not cut out for this" comment needed to be addressed more directly because that was a comment on my professional credibility.

 

In that particular job I was in, I was thrown in at the deep end, made an appalling fool of myself the first couple of times I appeared in court - but I improved very quickly. If you're used to having feelings of embarrassment then you're used to dealing with those feelings...and eventually what was once a weakness will become a strength. The people who deny their own weaknesses while busily pointing out everybody else's are less likely to see improvements in their own performance.