I broke no contact after 6 weeks - my ex replied with a closure email

[valeriepm]

Me and my ex dated for about three years and have been broken up for almost two months now. It all started with an argument over his family's beliefs (scientology) then he broke up and got back together with me twice during the two weeks following. He gave various reasons for the breakup: my family doesn't like you now, you're not affectionate enough, we aren't compatible (?), etc. Last time I saw him he called me crazy, said he didn't love me anymore, get out of my life, etc. I went no contact for 6 weeks after that and then sent him an email which basically said "I'd rather be with you, but I respect your decision and I'm letting you go."

 

He replied saying the breakup was so hard and not what he truly wanted, but it was the only way. We hit a fork in the road and had to go different directions even though I didn't want to. He feels and misses me wherever he goes. He did all of this to protect me and keep me safe. He hopes I can find a man who can give me a better life than he ever could. He ended it with "I love you more, I'll never forget you."

 

Heart breaking. I'm taking random classes at college, no real direction, while he doesn't know what to do - he's probably considering going active duty or volunteering to deploy. But I still want to stand by him and don't understand why he's forcing this idea of "different directions." Anyone think there's a chance for us? I hopelessly love this guy - we are first loves. I replied to his email, got too emotional, asked him a few questions - I doubt he'll respond (he ignored me a lot during those two weeks of confusion/getting back/breaking up).

 

Any advice? Thank you.

[Hopeful714]

You should have not replied after he replied to your letter.

 

Let him go now to find himself. If he wants you he will come back.

[TrueAwareness]

 

 

we are first loves.

 

That says it all. The chances of ending up with your first love are slim to none. Just think of it as your training wheels. And maybe a decade from now, after you both go through enough bad relationships, you will find that you had a lot in common and then maybe be back together.

 

But this is a very small maybe.

[valeriepm]

Thanks. I replied too quickly to his email without really thinking it through. I know it was a mistake and I won't contact him again. I just have to let him go, like you said. He'll find his way back to me if its meant to be.

 

I'm just confused - he told all of his army buddies and even his mom that he was buying me an engagement ring a few months ago. But I just need to let it be - it isn't easy but I have no other choice.

[valeriepm]

That says it all. The chances of ending up with your first love are slim to none. Just think of it as your training wheels. And maybe a decade from now, after you both go through enough bad relationships, you will find that you had a lot in common and then maybe be back together.

 

But this is a very small maybe.

 

We worked so well together, which is why I couldn't believe he said we were incompatible. I guess we both just need more experience and perhaps we'll find each other again. Thanks for the reply.

[TrueAwareness]

No problem Valerie, and trust me i speak from experience. I dont think anyone comes in these forums if they havent had their heart broken at some point.

 

Stay strong!

[valeriepm]

No problem Valerie, and trust me i speak from experience. I dont think anyone comes in these forums if they havent had their heart broken at some point.

 

Stay strong!

 

It's good to know I'm not alone.

[FailedFirstLove]

I'm torn to pieces by my first love. I thought it was gonna be him and I since its been 4 years already. Every obstacle we passed it. But nope. so I DEFINETLY feel for you I don't want 2 loves. Just want one. But I guess Im trying to keep in mind the same thing. If his the one he will make his way back. Only this one of mine would just go emo and won't do anything because he thinks the past can't be changed. .

[valeriepm]

I'm torn to pieces by my first love. I thought it was gonna be him and I since its been 4 years already. Every obstacle we passed it. But nope. so I DEFINETLY feel for you I don't want 2 loves. Just want one. But I guess Im trying to keep in mind the same thing. If his the one he will make his way back. Only this one of mine would just go emo and won't do anything because he thinks the past can't be changed. .

 

I know how you feel I never expected my ex to leave me - I trusted him with all I had and believed we were "different" and would always be together. I also understand what you mean by two loves - just try to take it one day at a time and not think too far into the future. Put faith in yourself and take comfort in knowing you treated him well - love isn't easy to come by these days and both of our exes will realize that once they're on their own. True love will find its way back to you, whether that's with your ex or someone different.

[FailedFirstLove]

I know how you feel I never expected my ex to leave me - I trusted him with all I had and believed we were "different" and would always be together. I also understand what you mean by two loves - just try to take it one day at a time and not think too far into the future. Put faith in yourself and take comfort in knowing you treated him well - love isn't easy to come by these days and both of our exes will realize that once they're on their own. True love will find its way back to you, whether that's with your ex or someone different.

 

It's so hard to cope. Can't say I'm coping. It's scared me for life now. I don't want to love anymore. The hurt is really not worth anything!!!!! I never ever want to go through this again it sucks I know I think my ex wud be fine on his own. Probably prefers it that way. take care. You will get through this. Your so positive!

[valeriepm]

It's so hard to cope. Can't say I'm coping. It's scared me for life now. I don't want to love anymore. The hurt is really not worth anything!!!!! I never ever want to go through this again it sucks I know I think my ex wud be fine on his own. Probably prefers it that way. take care. You will get through this. Your so positive!

 

Trust me, I feel the same as you. I try to keep positive but every morning I wake up and experience the breakup all over again. It's the worst pain I've ever had to endure, and the man who loved me so much doesn't care at all anymore.

[valeriepm]

As more time goes by, the more that email pisses me off. My friends even said "that's a nice email but it really doesn't apply to your situation at all." And he's probably not going to reply and give me more specific answers, which is good for my sanity. I feel like he's lying just to make himself look better - although I'm pretty sure another girl isn't involved.

[TaraMaiden]

I was surprised when I read the words 'closure letter' in the thread title.

I thought, "£Helloooo... that's rare - that a dumpee gets a letter and they accept it as closure...."

 

And in point of fact - here we are.

Nothing of the kind.

 

Read the No Contact guide (updated 2013).

Be it verbal, or written, it's 'breadcrumbs' and written entirely for his own benefit, and not with yours in mind at all.

 

It lets him off the hook, makes him feel less guilty and puts in his mind that he's not such a bad chap after all, because his words are so kind, and loving and gentle.... aaaaw, look, he's so sweet to you.....!

 

 

It's just a way of getting you to acknowledge that you understand, you see, you're upset but you get his point....

More appeasement.

More self-validation....

A Dumper's ego is stroked by your responses, because it confirms to them that they are still uppermost in your mind. So that's okay, then.... "they still think of me, and are willing to engage.... they can't be feeling all that bad, if they're willing to reply...."

 

And in all probability, your questions will remain unanswered, and even if he DOES respond, his response will simply evoke and prompt MORE questions from you - as you seek definitive closure, for good.

 

Closure doesn't ever come from the dumper.

YOU - have to give yourself - closure.

 

Delete, Block, Ignore - 100% every possible which way AND loose, you can.

[valeriepm]

I was surprised when I read the words 'closure letter' in the thread title.

I thought, "£Helloooo... that's rare - that a dumpee gets a letter and they accept it as closure...."

 

And in point of fact - here we are.

Nothing of the kind.

 

Read the No Contact guide (updated 2013).

Be it verbal, or written, it's 'breadcrumbs' and written entirely for his own benefit, and not with yours in mind at all.

 

It lets him off the hook, makes him feel less guilty and puts in his mind that he's not such a bad chap after all, because his words are so kind, and loving and gentle.... aaaaw, look, he's so sweet to you.....!

 

 

It's just a way of getting you to acknowledge that you understand, you see, you're upset but you get his point....

More appeasement.

More self-validation....

A Dumper's ego is stroked by your responses, because it confirms to them that they are still uppermost in your mind. So that's okay, then.... "they still think of me, and are willing to engage.... they can't be feeling all that bad, if they're willing to reply...."

 

And in all probability, your questions will remain unanswered, and even if he DOES respond, his response will simply evoke and prompt MORE questions from you - as you seek definitive closure, for good.

 

Closure doesn't ever come from the dumper.

YOU - have to give yourself - closure.

 

Delete, Block, Ignore - 100% every possible which way AND loose, you can.

 

Haha yeah, closure may not have been the best word to use. All it did was evoke more questions because it was so vague and different than any other reasons he gave me before. I never considered it breadcrumbs before because he wasn't necessarily leading me on - but that's exactly what it is. The email keeps me strung out over him because he made himself sound so sweet and caring. I shouldn't have replied, big mistake, but lesson learned. He needs to figure himself out first and contact me if he has any interest in me at all (and after three years, I would hope so - but you never really know).