Less virtual

[Els]

Haha, sorry had to laugh at what you said to LT there, I wouldn't call living thousands of miles from my partner and not having seen them for a year perfect

 

I know, right?

[allenpo123]

what me and my LDR bf did was send photos of what we were doing, like if he was going to get a new bed, he would send me a photo of the bed he was looking at and ask me for my opinion. We don't talk or skype all the time, we have jobs and need time to ourselves too, but we keep each other updated as much as we can.

 

I used to be needy thinking that LDRs don't last and I needed more of him. But then time proved that I only needed to take a minute and think about how much time do we "actually" need to spend together? Once I noticed that, things got better. I didn't feel like we were 'virtual' because I knew his personality already so much.

 

I think every couple has their own pace. Figure what's yours and you'll be fine

[ladyabstrused]

I am trying to understand how other people try to make it less virtual as possible. I know that planning visits, making plans for when you have time together in person and such things make it real. But then it happens you're not going to meet for some time, or you don't know when you'll be meeting again next time...

 

Anyway, I appreciated the suggestions. Sharing daily routine, like eating together. It's a simulation... but for some reason I feel there's the intent to make it seem more real.

 

If you've met the person, I think that makes it less virtual already. In fact, a non-virtual relationship. If you start to feel it "get virtual" (honestly, I don't know how this happens), that means you either don't communicate enough or consistently? In fact, I do have some online friends whom I've communicated so well and connected well with that I don't even feel they're virtual because we do videochats and all that.

 

Besides that, you could send stuff to each other. Through online means or through the post if you don't want it virtually.

 

I'm not sure what your story is.. that the other members like LT, HOH, TM and Elswyth have mentioned.. but I do know they give very sound and good advice. Their posts were ones who helped me through my previous relationship and for that, I think, they are trying to help here - if you are referring to your situation.

[justwhoiam]

Perhaps you meant to ask how people deal with feeling disconnected due to the distance?

Yeah, maybe... I never feel disconnected... just probably I feel the weight of doing everything at a distance. Just at times. I usually deal with it pretty well, as I am generally understanding.

 

Haha, sorry had to laugh at what you said to LT there, I wouldn't call living thousands of miles from my partner and not having seen them for a year perfect

(I didn't think it was... but that's how she presented it).

 

even when you're apart, how can that feel virtual?

I know! I guess I'm just human...

 

At the risk of repeating myself, people who are in committed LDRs with someone the have actually met do not feel that their relationship is virtual

So, let's assume that you meet your boyfriend once, and then you don't meet him for 10 years, wouldn't you ever feel it's a virtual relationship? Are you sure? I guess you'd tell me you would probably break up instead of being with someone for 10 years without meeting each other. But maybe you get my point.

[justwhoiam]

Besides that, you could send stuff to each other. Through online means or through the post if you don't want it virtually.

Yeah, I've been thinking of that. Maybe I need more things of him around me. That would really help. I have few things of him, like a book, a diary where he wrote stuff, a t-shirt. I wore the t-shirt and then I had to wash it... We do exchange things online.

[LittleTiger]

That just means you live in a perfect world and I don't.

 

Erm, yeah right?!

 

I tend to 'present' my life in raw, open format so where you got that from, I have no idea! If you look back at my posting history (feel free to go right back a few years to my LonelyTiger threads too) you will see that my world is anything but perfect - especially right at this moment!

 

Believe it not, I am trying to help you. You are having some sort of cyber affair which I have no strong thoughts or feelings about, since I don't know either you or your husband. I brought it up merely to point out why you may be having the feelings that you are.

 

Your LDR is not the same as a committed LDR. Your long distance love probably feels virtual to you because your relationship is 'virtual' ie it isn't based on reality. You don't/can't share your life with him the way others here share their lives with their partners because you are sharing your life with someone else, and presumably he is too.

 

Just guessing here but I imagine that you can't discuss finances or holidays or eat meals together or watch tv together or watch each other fall asleep or text or call or Skype whenever you want to. You just can't do those things because you are married to someone else.

[LittleTiger]

So, let's assume that you meet your boyfriend once, and then you don't meet him for 10 years, wouldn't you ever feel it's a virtual relationship? Are you sure? I guess you'd tell me you would probably break up instead of being with someone for 10 years without meeting each other. But maybe you get my point.

 

No, sorry, I still don't get your point. If I met a guy only once and then never again for 10 years, I wouldn't call that a relationship at all. I would call it a friendship. A real friendship, but still just a friendship.

[justwhoiam]

You are having some sort of cyber affair

Well, you can go on completely disregarding what I just said. I see that whatever I say will not be taken seriously. So what's the point? You're not helping. You're just focused on your beliefs.

[justwhoiam]

No, sorry, I still don't get your point. If I met a guy only once and then never again for 10 years, I wouldn't call that a relationship at all. I would call it a friendship. A real friendship, but still just a friendship.

So even if you treat him as a boyfriend you would call him a friend. That's your take. (Before you start assuming anything about me, it's not my case.)

[LittleTiger]

Well, you can go on completely disregarding what I just said. I see that whatever I say will not be taken seriously. So what's the point? You're not helping. You're just focused on your beliefs.

 

I don't think anything I've said suggests that I have disregarded what you said or that I don't take your feelings seriously. On the contrary. I believe you do feel something in your relationship that you are not happy with and I was merely offering an alternative explanation - since most of us in LDRs don't understand your take on what is 'virtual'.

 

I completely acknowledge that this is just my take - all I am suggesting is that you consider it as a possible option because it might help you to understand your feelings and deal with them. If you are absolutely sure that nothing I've said rings true - fair enough.

 

So even if you treat him as a boyfriend you would call him a friend. That's your take. (Before you start assuming anything about me, it's not my case.)

 

I wouldn't treat someone as a boyfriend if I'd only met him once in the space of 10 years. Sorry but I wouldn't. Yes, that is my take and I don't know anything about you - I was giving my perspective because you asked me a specific question about what 'I' would feel or do.

[brokenheart2be]

So even if you treat him as a boyfriend you would call him a friend. That's your take. (Before you start assuming anything about me, it's not my case.)

 

Hi Justwhoiam,

 

Hope all is well with you

 

Since my thread is locked until tomorrow, i'd thought i'd chime in on yours since you have always been so kind to support me.

 

I honestly don't know how anyone can keep up a LDR since it does have the virtual feel to it. Obviously its happening since several of the posters here feel they can manage it.

 

I have a fam member who is in a similar state. He talks to his GF lives in another state and they see each other maybe 1x every 2 months. I don't get it. I mean, there's so many fish in the sea and i just think you really cant establish much of relationship. It seems its more out of convenience and the artificial feeling / comfort of having "someone"

 

You have a lot to offer and if this is your mom we are talking about, your love for him is certainly admirable. If i were having an LDR, eventually it would wear on me and out of sight out of mind if the actual physical aspect is limited.

 

btw.......are you now in the cyclone of an A?

[HeavenOrHell]

Many couples here have been together a while and our r/ships feel far from virtual, I'm talking about those of us who have daily contact and closeness with our partners and meet regularly. Mine's not felt virtual since we met 3 years ago.

 

It would feel virtual if I never spent time with him IRL and didn't have that bond from spending time with him. You've clearly never been in this situation or you would know it feels far from virtual.

 

If I wanted someone more 'convenient' I'd break up with him, but there's the small matter of loving each and not wanting to give up, we enjoy spending time together and the closeness we have. What we have is far from 'artificial'.

 

>out of sight out of mind if the actual physical aspect is limited.<

 

People in LDR's have their partner on their mind most of the time You just make the most of what you have when you are apart, and when you are together.

 

 

Hi Justwhoiam,

 

Hope all is well with you

 

Since my thread is locked until tomorrow, i'd thought i'd chime in on yours since you have always been so kind to support me.

 

I honestly don't know how anyone can keep up a LDR since it does have the virtual feel to it. Obviously its happening since several of the posters here feel they can manage it.

 

I have a fam member who is in a similar state. He talks to his GF lives in another state and they see each other maybe 1x every 2 months. I don't get it. I mean, there's so many fish in the sea and i just think you really cant establish much of relationship. It seems its more out of convenience and the artificial feeling / comfort of having "someone"

 

You have a lot to offer and if this is your mom we are talking about, your love for him is certainly admirable. If i were having an LDR, eventually it would wear on me and out of sight out of mind if the actual physical aspect is limited.

 

btw.......are you now in the cyclone of an A?

[Coward]

How people manage to do this is incomprehensible to me but it doesn't mean its not happening. A few on this post have stated they are in it now and i applaud them. I don't know how they do it.

 

This is something brokenheart2be posted on another thread about how MOW's and MOM's compartmentalize in an affair. The thread where he or she goes on and on about a supposed Affair he or she is involved in, went on and on for over 30 pages and was eventually and thankfully closed by Moderator. After I read this (quote above), I had a strong feeling that brokenheart2be could actually a BS exploring deep into the mind of a "cheater". At first, I thought poster was a sociopath devoid of any real emotion as the posts were so unemotional and coming from a seemingly detached individual, but I believe this is because poster never actually experienced an Affair, but was sadly the victim of one and is seeking to delve in the mind of a cheater in hopes of understanding what happened to them. This is my opinion, my gut feeling, but beware what you confide. Thanks,

Edited March 13, 2013 by Coward

[xyn]

I think I know what you're talking about.

 

My bf and I met online and went about 9 months before we could meet. It's been a year since we met. We see each other pretty regularly... about every 6 weeks, sometimes a little longer (but it hasn't been longer than that in a while), and we try to make it shorter. Not made of money, though. Ha.

 

For me, it's really hard sometimes. When I see him, it's real. Obviously. He's familiar to me now, and we've always fit together. I know what he smells like, how he looks, how he smiles and laughs, his expressions and body language... I know all of that. And being around it, being around HIM, is WONDERFUL. I can't wait until I move to be there in a few months.

 

But every time I leave, it's... devastating. He goes back to being text on my phone, a voice over a connection, or a face on a screen. It's not the SAME. And I go through this EVERY TIME we leave. Sometimes I try to hold onto him, to remember... but honestly, it's too painful. After a few weeks, I naturally start to revert to that, and I sort of... get used to our communication and things, I suppose because we've been long distance for so long. Don't get me wrong, though - I NEVER stop wanting to be with him, and I never ever not think of 'us' as 'real'... but there's a distinct difference, and I try desperately not to dwell on memories of being together because it makes me so sad to think about being far away from him.

 

I keep things that smell like him around - he leaves me a shirt. But... I don't know. After a while, online becomes normal again for me, and that hurts in and of itself. My heart still aches, and I still wish he was here beside me, but it becomes less crushing and I get accustomed to LDRing again. It sucks, but that's how it is.

 

Hopefully I understood the question.

 

Oh, and for me - there isn't really a way to avoid it. I'm sure I won't be that way once we've been together for a while, but we've been apart so much more than together for the course of our relationship, so it's nearly impossible to force myself into 'real' mode when all I'm getting are texts or calls. It's hard for me to picture him on the other side of the phone/computer, because I spent so very many months trying NOT to picture him (because we hadn't met yet and I didn't want to picture him as he wasn't). And when I do, it... well, it hurts, because I know I can't be there beside him, like I want to be. So I let myself drift and find comfort just with his voice. His shirts help me feel like he's with me - to smell him and pretend he's beside me. I recommend a giant stuffed animal/body pillow to provide a little comfortable weight next to you, too. We stay connected during the day, try to spend as much time together as possible essentially, to feel as though we're together and involved and connected even though we're apart though. We also flirt and talk about being together, and that helps, too. Skype video chats help A LOT. Being able to see his expressions and body language while he's talking is absolutely priceless, but I also cry every time I first see him via Skype after I've left. It reminds me of what I'm not getting - yanks me back to 'real' and it hurts so much. Seeing his smile is worth it, though. That's about the most real I can get aside from actually being together. It helps.

Edited March 15, 2013 by xyn

[justwhoiam]

Hopefully I understood the question.

You nailed it. All of it. I have a t-shirt he wore. But stupid me, I decided to wear it at night, and then I had to wash it. So now the smell's gone. Well, I'll ask for another one...

 

Anyway, I've been away for over 2 months. So I'm reading this just now.

 

I was going through some rough time when I opened this thread. Now everything's better and going the right direction > marriage.

 

He bought my plane ticket. We'll plan things together.

And no, we didn't meet once. We met 5 times in one year and a half (I've been knowning him for 10 years, but only started a relationship with him in 2011). I know it's not much, but still better than other situations I read of on here.

Also, we were planning on watching a movie together. He fell asleep while on Skype with me. We had breakfast together, dinner together, lunch together. In person and online. All the kind of stuff many couples do in a LDR. We did lots of things together, and there's a lot more I want to do with him, of course.

 

Now I'll need to wait a few months before I get to see him again.

[HeavenOrHell]

I don't feel I miss my partner too much because I feel close to him most of the time, so it feels like he's not far away. It never feels virtual.