Is He Cheating??? Sorry for the long story.

[LoLo84]

Hi Everyone,

 

I am new and have been reluctant and partially lazy to type my story so I have been dealing with it on my own a little.

 

I need your help.

 

The short version is that I don't trust my boyfriend. The long version is that it all started right before xmas.

 

Anyhow... everything was going good to my knowledge until I begin to suspect that my boyfriend was avoiding me. The thing is, I had been VERY busy with college classes and so he has been very understanding. Anyhow, I felt bad for not being able to spend time with him so needless to say I was excited to be going on winter break so that we can spend alot of much needed time together. But after completing finals, he was supposed to meet my mom that week and was reluctant. And all week he didnt seem to want to get together so finally, he told me at the end of the week that he had been purposely avoiding me because he had a cold sore. LOL. Which I laughed but was a little relieved because 1. I get them too. and 2. It had nothing to do with me. So the next week, I had to go xmas shopping at the mall and he asked if he could come. So after getting ready I told him I was coming to his house, he said, Wait, I'm not home I went with my Uncle to a Masonary thing. And then I told him that later we couldnt see each other because I had plans with a friend.

 

After that is kind of when it all started tumbling down hill. After that week he seemed to STILL make excuses for getting together and so I talked to him about it and we had a long discussion in which he came up with excuses... blah blah blah... My whole thing is that if he wanted to spend time with me so bad (like he would say when I couldnt see him) then he would jump at the chance of spending time. After we talked, I still wasnt satisfied with his answer. So the next day at work, which was the Friday before xmas, I was curious so I went on his FB page (which we both agreed that we wouldnt be FB friends because it is bad for the relationship), and I saw that he had set his status to Single which was 2 days before xmas... (I'll give him a little credit for that because my status is still single and I dont like ppl in my biz and he DID just open his page 2 weeks before to stay connected with his Bootcamp buddies.) BUT... THE thing that got to me was that ppl started commenting on his status and it was what he said... that got me so mad.. 'He said... Yea... I've been single for 2 years'... Granted we've known each other for about a year at the time but just got serious that October. So I was really hurt and surprised that he would say that so easily. Anyhow... I ended up breaking up with him over it but he didnt want to break up. So he came to my house and we talked things out and he gave me his excuse which I accepted. So I went shopping with my mom. The crazy thing is that he sends me a text saying that he has to tell me something important so I went to his apartment and he tells me that he is going to Atlanta for xmas to be with his family and that his grandma is sick, etc. I was a little peeved but understanding. He was gone for nearly a week and only called me a couple of times to check in.

 

By now... I had time to think and all kinds of thoughts were going through my head at this point. So when he comes back I wasn't so welcoming and to make matters worse, when he comes back, instead of spending time with his girlfriend, he wants to go to another Masonary thing with his uncle (so he says). What I couldnt understand is that if he hasnt seen me in a week, wouldn't he jump at the chance of spending time? IDK... I'm just saying.

 

So New Years rolls around and I spent the night at his place the day before NYE and I asked him what he was doing because we talked about going out Him, Me, and some of his friends... he said... IDK... I'm thinking about staying in b/c I want to save money. So I said Ok, my family is cooking dinner and I can come over after and bring him some food.

 

So 10pm rolls around (it's normal for my family to make late meals during NYE) and I tell him I'll be there soon. So he calls at like 10:45 and was like I going to meet a buddy from bootcamp but it wont be long because he is close. So I said, OK have fun. Anyhow... my mind started thinking all kinds of things again and by this time it was 11:45pm... almost ball dropping time... So I called him to see what he was doing and he doesnt answer but calls me right back and was like 'Happy New Years!" and I said, It aint NY's yet silly and he said well almost. And so I started inquiring about where he was and I think since he was drunk he started giving me some truth.. but I think it was half the truth... he said... I am at Bar Louie all the way in (insert far town) waiting to meet up with everybody... and after that I dont think I have gotten this pissed off in a long long time... I said WHAT DO YOU MEAN EVERYBODY... WHO IS EVERYBODY... (and in my head: Why was I not invited????) As I was giving him a piece of my mind, the call 'convieniently' drops and I kept trying to call him back but guess what... NO ANSWER... So eventually I left him a message stating that we were DONE and that he is a liar.

 

The next day, On New Years Day he kept trying to call me and I avoided all his calls and texts. So later on that evening he comes to my house and brings me flowers and explains that he really was going to hang with his bootcamp buddy but he flaked and he was home waiting for me and got mad that he wasnt invited to my house for NYE dinner. So I said... well why couldnt you just say that instead of doing ALL THIS??? Still didnt add up but I forgave him because I have no real proof of anything just speculation.

 

Fast forward to now, things were going good since the NYE thing... until a week ago when he makes these elaborate plans to spend the whole day together one Saturday and then stands me up. And his reason was as rediculous as any. His friend is a DJ and I guess the coat check ppl gave his coat away to someone else by accident so he didnt have his keys so my BF went to pick him up early in the morning and states that he went back and forth to the city until it was all taken care of and that he was so tired that he just went to sleep that morning. So once again... I broke up with him... And tells me that I have to trust him that he isnt cheating, that it is only me in his life.

 

Again, we made up and he's been better at communicating with me which is what I told him is the problem... if he isnt cheating.

 

IDK... what do you guys think???

[LoLo84]

To add to this: A little back story on me... My ex boyfriend before him cheated on me and I haven't been in a real relationship for about 6 years until now. Just dates but no one measured up.

 

Also, my BF constantly tells me he wants to marry me, etc... which is starting to get on my nerves because if he wants to he should just ask. Right?

Edited January 26, 2013 by LoLo84

[anna121]

To add to this: A little back story on me... My ex boyfriend before him cheated on me and I haven't been in a real relationship for about 6 years until now. Just dates but no one measured up.

 

Also, my BF constantly tells me he wants to marry me, etc... which is starting to get on my nerves because if he wants to he should just ask. Right?

 

I would say that the odds are high that he has something on the side.

 

BUT - and this is important - even if he doesn't...

 

He is a total flake and a jerk! I mean, c'mon!! He doesn't spend NYE with you??

 

There are, like, 2 or 3 non-negotiable expectations for any rel-ship. NYE is one of them (unless one of you is working or you've both decided it's a crap celebration. Which I can totally respect. )

 

I cannot imagine why you would want to Be treated this way.

 

You are in college, correct? Go enjoy college, and leave this loser in the dust.

[ChessPieceFace]

To add to this: A little back story on me... My ex boyfriend before him cheated on me

 

Therefore, you have a habit of pursuing cheaters. Meaning that without knowing a single word you typed about your current BF, I would suspect that you would have done it again. And that appears to be the case. The stuff you're telling me he said strains all credibility, and indeed appears to be a bunch of excuses and lies. No one here can tell you definitively that they are lies. But I can say that you have sufficient cause to be suspicious, and all relationships are based on trust. You don't trust him and for good reason. You can't have a relationship without trust.

 

I would analyze your own behavior of why you're pursuing these lying men, and fix yourself before you do it again.

[LoLo84]

I mean, c'mon!! He doesn't spend NYE with you??

 

There are, like, 2 or 3 non-negotiable expectations for any rel-ship. NYE is one of them (unless one of you is working or you've both decided it's a crap celebration. Which I can totally respect. )

 

 

Exactly my thoughts too.

[LoLo84]

If this guy were any MORE apathetic towards you, he'd be in a coma.

 

His excuses are LAME and far too frequent. Your gut is screaming at you or you wouldn't have posted this.

 

NEVER ignore your gut when it's telling you something.

 

Bottom line - he's giving you a lot of lip service but NOT backing up what he's saying. Words are cheap - it's ACTIONS you have to pay attention to. And he's done nothing but give you flimsy excuses, nonsensical excuses, and downright unbelieveable excuses. He's done nothing but constantly disappear and avoid you at all costs.

 

There's a REASON for it.

 

You can choose to swallow the bullsh*t sandwich he keeps trying to shove down your throat, or demand the respect you deserve.

 

Your right on everything. My nagging gut wont leave me alone. And I am smart enough to recognize when something is OFF.

 

The dumb part for me is to keep taking him back and believing his excuses.

[LoLo84]

Therefore, you have a habit of pursuing cheaters. Meaning that without knowing a single word you typed about your current BF, I would suspect that you would have done it again. And that appears to be the case. The stuff you're telling me he said strains all credibility, and indeed appears to be a bunch of excuses and lies. No one here can tell you definitively that they are lies. But I can say that you have sufficient cause to be suspicious, and all relationships are based on trust. You don't trust him and for good reason. You can't have a relationship without trust.

 

I would analyze your own behavior of why you're pursuing these lying men, and fix yourself before you do it again.

 

Totally agree. To my defense tho, he seemed to be different in the beginning. But I also didnt see the signs until I had the time to see them. Before having bits and pieces of his time worked for me because I was too busy. But I always kept him informed.

 

I don't want a cheater. But your right... Maybe there is something else going on with me for why I seem to attract them.

[anna121]

You will need to be very tough on yourself. Can you delete all his contact info, block him on FB? Can you explain to anyone you're living with that you no longer want to see him and not to let him in?

 

Can you write him a letter telling him to never contact you again?

 

If you can do that, you will start to let go. You MUST end contact.

 

ETA: And no "we can still be friends" either!! Not when you are clearly vulnerable to his manipulation. Just....cut the cord.

[LoLo84]

Hi Anna, well we arent friends on FB thankfully. But I can delete his info. Which I have done plenty of times when I broke up with him.

 

I think I am already getting tired and almost there with being so over. I think posting this was kind of my last ditch effort to see if I was crazy and maybe my old baggage from a previous relationship had cropped back up.

 

To see everyone's responses was the kind of validation I needed that it's not all in my head and that I'm not some jealous controlling GF.

 

I've written him letters... here's one I wrote to him after the NYE thing:

 

I am writing this to you because talking seems impossible. I’m not sure where things took a turn for the worse but I can tell you that it started with you not taking this relationship seriously. You wanted to be in a relationship and you got one but now you don’t want to act like you are in one. Before you, I was fine, I was focused because I know what I want. Sure I dated other guys but none were worthy enough for me to get serious with. I thought you were. After all the time that it took for us to finally go out, you should know that I don’t accept just anything or anyone. I am very picky and with good reason.

While you were in basic training I wrote you back because I thought you were a good man. I’m trying to figure out what happened to the good man that I met or if you ever were one to begin with.

I’m sorry but I just can’t do this with you anymore. I think you know deep in your heart what you are doing is wrong. Maybe one day you will see and accept that. What I can’t understand is why you can’t just let me go? I try to break up with you but you continue to string me along. I don’t deserve to be treated like this. If you want to be with someone else, that is perfectly fine. But be a man and break up with me because I don’t have time for games.

Anyway, I am not going to bring up what we already talked about because I will just be beating a dead horse. I just wanted you to know where I was coming from. I hope you find what you are looking for in life and hope you are happy with whoever you end up with.

Good bye!

[loversquarrel]

I would think all signs point to yes, he is cheating. Without positive proof, you are still, at best, in a relationship with someone who doesn't really think you are important enough to share his time with.

 

I don't understand why the two of you can't friend eachother on FB, and you both agreed to this rediculous rule???

[LoLo84]

Hi Lovesquarrel,

 

The reason is because FB causes problems in relationships. But on the flip side, I see your point that if we are both confident in our relationship and completely trust each other then there isn't any harm in it.

 

He gave me another reason that FB caused problems in his previous relationship. Maybe that should have been a tale tell sign of something...

 

Anyway.. I completely agree.. that if he constantly comes up with excuses then he obviously doesn't value me as much as led to believe.

 

 

One thing I want to add is that it's not like we NEVER see each other. We do. Once or twice a week... and he calls everyday... But It's like I can tell that something is about to come up because he will make excuses on why we can't see each other on a certain day like... Studying for an engineering certification or being on call for work (oldest excuse in the book... I know). But when he starts offering up excuses before plans are made, that is what is suspicious.

[veggirl]

Facebook only causes relationship problems when the people using facebook are SHADY AS FK like your boyfriend. If he's not cheating he's just flat out not interested in you anymore. Please don't send him letters, it makes you look desperate.

[MrsSS0712]

I think he is being a little shady I think it is more that he is cheating on someone else with you. The main person is whom he going to spend those holidays with not the side chick for real. Make him change that status and you change yours as well and see what happens

[loversquarrel]

I think he is being a little shady I think it is more that he is cheating on someone else with you. The main person is whom he going to spend those holidays with not the side chick for real. Make him change that status and you change yours as well and see what happens

 

That is a great point.

 

LoLo84, it makes good sense that you may be the OW and not even realize it. You admit you aren't around much while you are at school, a great "convenience" factor for him, then when you come home, bam! no or very limited time for you.

 

As far as FB goes, it is no secret I am not a fan of it. That being said, Veggirl is correct. The only time FB causes problems in a relationship is when there is a degree of shadiness and trust issues. There is no reason you two can't be friends on FB if you are in a relationship together. It's just foolish.

[silvermercy]

Who came up first with the silly rule that FB causes relationship problems? My bet's on him. So many happy couples have added each other on FB. For me it would be a Red Flag if he denied adding me there!

 

I'm with what the other posters said so I won't repeat what they said.

Also, are you sure you're not the side-girlfriend??

[anna121]

Hi Anna, well we arent friends on FB thankfully. But I can delete his info. Which I have done plenty of times when I broke up with him.

 

I think I am already getting tired and almost there with being so over. I think posting this was kind of my last ditch effort to see if I was crazy and maybe my old baggage from a previous relationship had cropped back up.

 

To see everyone's responses was the kind of validation I needed that it's not all in my head and that I'm not some jealous controlling GF.

 

I've written him letters... here's one I wrote to him after the NYE thing:

 

I am writing this to you because talking seems impossible. I’m not sure where things took a turn for the worse but I can tell you that it started with you not taking this relationship seriously. You wanted to be in a relationship and you got one but now you don’t want to act like you are in one. Before you, I was fine, I was focused because I know what I want. Sure I dated other guys but none were worthy enough for me to get serious with. I thought you were. After all the time that it took for us to finally go out, you should know that I don’t accept just anything or anyone. I am very picky and with good reason.

While you were in basic training I wrote you back because I thought you were a good man. I’m trying to figure out what happened to the good man that I met or if you ever were one to begin with.

I’m sorry but I just can’t do this with you anymore. I think you know deep in your heart what you are doing is wrong. Maybe one day you will see and accept that. What I can’t understand is why you can’t just let me go? I try to break up with you but you continue to string me along. I don’t deserve to be treated like this. If you want to be with someone else, that is perfectly fine. But be a man and break up with me because I don’t have time for games.

Anyway, I am not going to bring up what we already talked about because I will just be beating a dead horse. I just wanted you to know where I was coming from. I hope you find what you are looking for in life and hope you are happy with whoever you end up with.

Good bye!

 

Can I make a suggestion? Cut your letter to the bare bones. Like, 2-3 sentences: "This relationship isn't working. Please do not contact me again. Thank you."

 

I understand the need to explain, remonstrate, vent...but it will have zero impact on him. And makes you look weak. Just state what you need to and get the heck out of Dodge.

 

ETA: Agree with earlier post that it is utterly bizarre not to be FB friends with your signif other. Wha??? Granted, I was married before FB became what it is, but the point is not that I obssessively check hubby's page. In fact, generally we can go months without doing so (couples that comment on each other all the time are THE WORST, no?). But to be denied access? No frigging way!

Edited January 26, 2013 by anna121