Love at first sight? Or a recovering narcissist?

[Ahni]

I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year...and it is a very toxic relationship

 

We met in Thailand, and he said that it was love at first sight...for me it was not love at first sight, but someone that I seemed to get along with. He is from England, and I am from the U.S., and he came to visit me just weeks later. I fell for him almost immediately. He was loving, charming, affectionate, attentive.. everything that most people would want in a man. After a couple weeks of a visit we were "in love" and wanting to spend all our time together. He went home and we talked on skype, texted each other all day, and thought about each other constantly. We had grand plans for how we would build a beautiful loving relationship, and how things would be 'right' and I really truly thought I had found 'the one'.

 

I was just graduating from college (I went later in life) and he and I were trying to decide what to do. Me go to England, or him come to America? Well he begged me to come there, and told me that he would be able to support us financially. He reassured me that there would be no issues, and that he would never use it against me, and that there was nothing to worry about. I had never ever been supported by anyone, so I was very reluctant, but I trusted that things would be healthy. So I quit my job, got rid of my apartment, and put everything in storage..

 

Within 2 weeks of being in England, things changed. There were no more rose colored lenses, he started ignoring me, he would go to work, and I would have nothing to do through out the day but sit and do laundry and clean. He'd come home and ignore me, and go out and leave me at the house while he went out drinking. He was still loving but in between the ignoring, but it was almost in that clingy, needy sort of way..He demanded a LOT of attention..Then the fights started happening, and the abuse with it..I could never tell him how I felt, how he was acting, that I felt lonely..when we would fight he wouldn't fight fair, he would use my deepest darkest secrets against me call me names, and he put fear into me. Then he would buy me gifts, perfume, clothes, and even a bicycle. I started getting more critical as a result of my resentment, and he never knew how to communicate his feelings for towards that and he would eventually blow up and unload again..One night he got drunk and came home and we fought because I had finally gotten so upset that from being left at the house that I bought a ticket home. He lost it, threw my luggage, hit the wall, called me names. I was horrified, but I never fought back, I did my best to keep calm. My flight was the next morning, and he wouldn't take me to the airport, so i called and cancelled the flight. This went on a few more times and I finally got the nerves to up and leave.

 

When I got home, he begged and begged that he would never be like that again, and that he was sorry...I knew that he was sincere so I let him come visit me in the US. He has the freedom to travel around because he is a business owner, so a few weeks later he was on a plane to smooth things out with me. We planned out talking things out, and dealing with the issues head on. Well, that never happened, he got incredibly defensive right away, and rejected all attempts to settle my hurt feelings. When ever alcohol was involved he would get abusive, call me his ex's name, and yell at me about things that just didn't make sense, as if I was her and he was replaying an incident. He started accusing me of using him for money, when he was the one that begged me to quit my job. All the while Im slowly becoming more and more angry, and acting out more and more. I was unemployed, because he felt that if I got a job then we wouldn't have the freedom to go back to England. So he paid for everything, and even started using that against me even more, even though he had promised to help me, and begged me not to get a job. I even started looking for jobs and he asked me to not to the interviews. After the fights started happening more and more I started raising my voice, and becoming incredibly resentful. Him visiting ended with a huge blow up, and me dropping him off at the airport, telling him he needed to deal with his anger.

 

He got home, and once again he begged and begged and actually went to therapy consistently..After this I could see a real change in his acceptance of his actions, and again...I trusted that he was healing and made plans to go back to England. We talked about both going to therapy there, then doing couples therapy, since we both 'knew this was it' and wanted so much to make it work. This is when the physical abuse started. It started with breaking things, then pushing and yelling. He wouldn't let me leave the house during fights and at times I felt I had to hide from him. He still accused me of using him.. and would come up with anything to throw in my face. The anger and resentment started building, and I started to fight back, with yelling and throwing objects at the wall...One night he got blacked out drunk, and argument escalated, and soon he had his hands around my neck, yelling. He pushed me, my face, and I screamed for help. The very next day I left the country, and am now home, hurt, angry, and again, full of resentment.

 

He once again, begged for me to come back, continued to go to therapy, and wanted to visit for Christmas. I allowed him, and this time saw a HUGE change. Much more calm, would listen, and was much easier to talk to. Well, now Im hurt, closed off, and I don't trust him. He was here for weeks and everything went fine. No huge fights, nothing. He was pretty emotionally available, was so sweet, and loving, yet still didn't want to talk about what happened, which again made me resentful. But he was actually healing from his anger.. I see a huge huge change in him, and Im shocked..No more anger, no more name calling, no more using my deepest darkest secrets against me..more fighting fair...But how did I feel? I shot down everything he said, almost everything he did annoyed me..I lost a lot of respect for him since the abuse, and had a hard time showing him I valued him.

 

The hard part is, I am so hurt, lost, and I don't trust him, despite the amount of change, therapy, and self discovery he has accomplished. He says that Im 'It' and will do anything to show me that he loves me, and wants to be with me, but I just cant open up to him. I despise what he did, and am up and down everyday with my feelings. Happy, sad, hurt, open, closed..and I dont know what to do?

 

Its only been less than a year, and most of the relationship has been toxic, which I know is not good. It took about 2 months to see the abuse, and took about 6 months to see real change in him. We still fight, but its hardly abusive, however, it still escalates at times. He still deals with his frustration in an unhealthy way, especially now that I've pulled away. For example letting his jealousy get to him, and then over reacting about insignificant facebook comments.. and I just don't know what to do. I love him dearly, but its only been 2 months since the physical abuse, and he's so firm on furthering our lives together. He wants to move here, and I just don't think thats smart..

 

Should I leave him? Do I have that 'Stockholm syndrome' where I start to fall in love with my captor?

 

Some of my friends support us, while others hate the relationship... I just dont want to be that person that gives excuses for an abusive partner, but I also want to understand what he's going through since I too had been where he was emotionally, and was left by my ex because I refused to see what I was doing. Now that Im older, and I've calmed my anger, I see how damaging it was and have moved past it, so I understand that he does want to be better and that it is possible..but am I giving him too much understanding? I felt like he WAS 'it', until all this, and now I dont know...

[Downtown]

Ahni, welcome to the LS forum. The behaviors you describe -- the temper tantrums, verbal abuse, physical abuse, flipping in seconds from loving you to hating you, being clingy and controlling, and impulsiveness -- are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. If your BF exhibits such behavior, you should be seeing most of the following traits:

 

• 1. Black-white thinking, wherein he categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;
  
• 2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
  
• 3. Controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;
  
• 4. Irrational jealousy and lack of trust;
  
• 5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you,;
  
• 6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about the next day;
  
• 7. Low self esteem;
  
• 8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums that typically last several hours;
  
• 9. Fear of abandonment or being alone;
  
• 10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image he validates by blaming you for every misfortune;
  
• 11. Lack of impulse control, wherein he does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);
  
• 12. Complaining that all his previous GFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated him well;
  
• 13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) -- for the first six months -- that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"
  
• 14. Relying on you to center and ground him, giving him a sense of direction because his goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
  
• 15. Relying on you to sooth him and calm him down, when he is stressed, because he has so little ability to do self soothing;
  
• 16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);
  
• 17. Taking on the personality of whatever person he is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
  
• 18. Always convinced that his intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that he regards his own feelings as self-evident facts, despite his inability to support them with any hard evidence.
  

If most of those traits sound very familiar, Ahni, I suggest you read my more detailed description of BPD traits in Rebel's thread at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, Ahni.

[Ahni]

Thanks so much Downtown, this has helped me a lot.

 

Looking at the list you gave me has shocked me. He exhibits every single one of the traits that you listed, accept for one. He has not fully tried to isolate me from my friends and family, but he has tried to tell me that they talk behind my back...which in a way can be isolating.

 

This scares me...a lot.

 

Im curious how BPD affects the relationships in your life? Is its something you can grow out of? Are people aware that these traits are unhealthy? Do people with BPD know that they have this disorder?

 

 

Wow, Im simply in shock. These traits are all the things I go to my friends and family and try to describe to them. Most of the time they say "Oh he's just jealous" or "He just sensitive" but the magnitude of his reactions are FAR more intense and dramatic then is necessary ..Many times he says one thing, then another.. Wants to help me with getting into an apartment since I gave up mine, then when something upsets him he hates me and says Im using him. Then if I dont drop everything and sooth him he blames me for being unavailable..Anyway..I can go on forever. Its incredibly exhausting, and every time this happens, he turns it around and says that its my fault, and that Im incapable of self reflection, which I know is not true, because I am the reason he started reflecting on his actions and seeking therapy.

 

Im curious how your life was affected by your ex wife's condition?

 

Also, is this a condition that he can hide from his therapist? When other people are involved, or he's describing things to people, he has a completely different tone/demeanor then when he talks to me..which is frustrating, and very two faced. In addition, therapy, and self reflection are things that are very looked down upon in the UK. He has talked to me about how he has not been able to openly tell his friends he is in therapy because of the stigma. A lot of this seems true, since I have seen it myself. His friends and family DO NOT talk about feelings, and its been described to me as the "Stiff Upper Lip" which is a result of England's history and being 'proper'..Im wondering if his therapist will not even know that he may be suffering from BPD.

 

Thanks again...I know have a little more insight as to why things have been so difficult to deal with. I'll do more reading, and check out the link you sent me too. Thanks so so much.

Edited January 28, 2013 by Ahni

[Downtown]

Im curious how BPD affects the relationships in your life?

Like the other personality disorders, BPD is not a disease. Rather, it is simply a group of behavioral traits that therapists often see occurring together. Significantly, we ALL occasionally exhibit all nine of the BPD traits. This is why BPD is said to be a "spectrum disorder," i.e., we all have the traits to some degree.

 

These traits generally arise from our primitive ego defenses and, at low levels, are essential for our survival. They become a problem only when they are so strong that they distort one's perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations. At strong levels, these distortions undermine marriages and destroy one's ability to sustain close relationships. This is why BPDers (i.e., those with strong traits) typically have no closer long-term friends (unless the friend lives a long distance away).

Is its something you can grow out of?

No. The damage to one's emotional core is believed to occur before the age of 5 or 6 and the traits typically start showing strongly in the early teens. There is no cure at this time (mainly, because there is no disease to cure). Recent studies indicate that the traits typically weaken a bit starting in the mid-forties, with the result that many folks meeting 100% of the diagnostic guidelines could drop below it to, say, 70% or 80%.

 

There is no firm evidence (that I've seen) as to how far below that threshold they will drop. While this moderation is good news for the BPD sufferers, it may offer little benefit to the abused spouses. It may be nearly as miserable to live with someone who is throwing temper tantrums every 3 weeks as it is to live with someone throwing them every 2 weeks.

Are people aware that these traits are unhealthy? Do people with BPD know that they have this disorder?

It is rare for a BPDer to have sufficient self awareness to know they have the disorder. After all, this is the way a BPDer has been thinking since the age of 3 or 4. This distorted perception of other peoples' intentions, then, is such a normal part of how a BPDer thinks that it is nearly invisible to him. This is why BPD is said to be "ego-syntonic," i.e., so consistent with the ego that it is invisible.

 

Yet, because BPDers suffer so much from their anger, self-loathing, lack of a strong self identity, and unhappiness, they usually do have an awareness that something is wrong with them. They just don't know what it is. A very small portion of them, however, are sufficiently self aware to see it. These people are rare jewels and you likely will only find them on the Internet. I've had the good fortune of being able to communicate with nearly a hundred of them over the past six years.

Im curious how your life was affected by your ex wife's condition?

It destroyed my marriage. I knew something was wrong with her and I knew that her dad had sexually abused her for several years in her childhood. I therefore sent her to six different psychologists (and several MCs) for weekly sessions for 15 years. It was very expensive and, sadly, did not make a dent in her BPD traits. Not one dent. Because I have strong codependent caregiver traits, I foolishly stayed with her all those years. Indeed, I never did leave her.

 

What happened was that she had me arrested on the bogus charge of "brutalizing" her and thrown into jail -- during which time she obtained a RO barring me from returning to my own home for 18 months (the time it takes to get a D in this State). It is common for BPDers to abandon their spouses after about 15 years because, as the years go by, they become increasingly resentful of the spouse's inability to make them happy (an impossible task). And, because BPDers are convinced they are "The Victim," it also is common for them to have their spouses arrested on bogus charges.

Also, is this a condition that he can hide from his therapist?

Yes. BPDers typically are excellent actors. Because they don't know who they are, they start acting in early childhood as a way of fitting in and being loved. After a lifetime of such acting, they become very good at it. Moreover, they are convinced that they are eternal victims and truly believe that their spouses are the source of every misfortune in their lives.

 

Hence, unless the therapist is VERY experienced in treating BPDers, it is difficult to diagnose the disorder. It therefore may take the therapist a year or two to see the destructive behaviors you see all week long. And, before that happens, a BPDer likely will switch to another therapist who is not on to her game.

When other people are involved, or he's describing things to people, he has a completely different tone/demeanor then when he talks to me..which is frustrating, and very two faced.

Casual friends, business associates, and total strangers usually pose no threat to a high functioning BPDer. Because no close relationship exists, they pose no threat to his strong fear of abandonment. And, because there is no intimacy, they pose no threat to his strong fear of engulfment (from intimacy). This is why a high functioning BPDer typically is seen being generous and caring all day long to complete strangers -- and then will go home at night to abuse the very people who love him. Heaven help those other people, however, if they make the mistake of trying to form a close friendship.

I'll do more reading, and check out the link you sent me too.

At the link I provided, I have 5 posts explaining what typical BPD traits look like. If most of those traits sound very familiar to you, I will be glad to suggest some very good free online resources. Meanwhile, if you want to read a book about it, I suggest Stop Walking on Eggshells. Another good one is I Hate You, Don't Leave Me. Those are the two most popular BPD books targeted to the abused partners.

[Ahni]

Dowtown,

 

Thanks again for taking so much care into answering my questions..you've been such a tremendous help...

 

I see myself going through a roller coaster of shock, disbelief, denial, and fear..

 

I see so many traits of a BPD in him, yet like you said we all can exhibit a number of these behaviors ourselves, and that confuses me..What truly makes me feel that he has BPD is two things, the tantrums that he will have over such small things. I have counted 3 or maybe 4 very angry and irrational fights over the smallest things in the past 10 months. We fight about a lot of small things constantly, but the hours and hours of tantrums have only been about 4 times. They have lasted hours, like you said, and nothing I say helps him become calm down. After feeling that I have done my part in the issue I have stopped the conversation, and either hung up the phone, or left the room. I realize that it is he who needs to accept what I tell him, and him that needs to trust me, and himself..it is not my job.

 

The other significant sign that I encounter with him is his communication. What he says is so dependent on the emotions he is feeling at that moment in time. When he feels happy and loved he wants to plan our lives and offers his help so we can do that. In the same conversation, if he feels hurt in anyway he accuses me of using him, and blames me for being controlling, unavailable, and manipulative. He is VERY generous, and because I gave up my job have not been able to provide the way he can. This has been used against me when he's feeling hurt, despite him insisting on us going out, and spending money...

 

With his therapy I have seen a huge change, he stopped calling me names, stopped drinking, stopped smoking, stopped his impulsive behavior, he controls his anger (his tantrums are less severe but still overwhelming because of the hours it takes for him to calm down), but then again, when he's hurt enough he can revert back to blaming again..when he's calm he admits that I am not all the things he says I am (using him, unavailable,etc) He denies his actions when he's angry, and accepts when he's calm. Its confusing..

 

What is hard for me is that I was VERY similar to him in my last relationship. This is what has made me so patient, and (relatively understanding). I acted the same as him, felt my boyfriend didn't love me, made huge deals out of nothing, abused him emotionally, mentally and at times physically...I never wanted to believe that he loved me, and always found things to be upset about. I always relied on him to make me feel better and made scenes when he didn't...and after about 9 years with me, he left me. I was forced then to look at my actions, learned how to love myself, calm myself, and have admitted and accepted that I was abusive. Was I, or am I also a BPD? THe only difference I see in my current BF is the mental games..turning his issues around on me, and projecting his feelings..

 

Im just trying to decide now what to do now..I cant diagnose him myself, and im pretty sure if I bring it up things will only escalate. I don't want to just end things when there truly is progress..BUT I also don't want to live in denial, and live a life of turmoil and frustration...

 

Thanks again for your wise words..I do appreciate it..

[Downtown]

I see so many traits of a BPD in him....What truly makes me feel that he has BPD is two things....

BPD is not something that a person "has" or "doesn't have." Rather, it is a set of behavioral traits that every adult on the planet exhibits to some degree. As I said, they are a problem only when they become so strong and persistent that they undermine the person's ability to form attachments and maintain them over the long term.

like you said we all can exhibit a number of these behaviors ourselves, and that confuses me.

Once you learn what traits to look for, you should have no difficulty spotting strong occurrences of them. Of course, you won't be able to diagnose your BF. Spotting the red flags is not difficult, however, because there is nothing subtle about traits such as temper tantrums, verbal abuse, and lack of impulse control.

 

Before you graduated high school, you already could identify the selfish and very grandiose classmates -- without knowing how to diagnose Narcissistic PD. You could identify the class drama queens -- without being able to diagnose Histrionic PD. You could spot the kids having no respect for laws or other peoples' property or feelings -- without diagnosing Antisocial PD. And you could recognize the very shy and over-sensitive classmates -- without diagnosing Avoidant PD. Similarly, you will be able to spot strong BPD traits when they occur.

I was forced then to look at my actions, learned how to love myself, calm myself, and have admitted and accepted that I was abusive. Was I, or am I also a BPD?

As I said, we all occasionally exhibit all nine of the BPD traits. Moreover, we can get flareups of those traits lasting several months when we are under great stress or experience a hormonal change. Indeed, postpartum depression can create a flareup lasting up to two years. And, in rare instances, a brain injury or brain tumor can cause the same traits to occur.

 

When a person has a permanent BPD problem, however, the damage occurs in early childhood and the traits do not disappear. With several years of intensive therapy, a BPDer can learn how to manage their traits by better controlling their emotions. I therefore would say that, no, you are not describing a situation in which you have a permanent BPD problem.

 

Moreover, I doubt you are even describing a short term BPD problem for yourself. An essential feature of BPD is being emotionally unstable and having a strong fear of abandonment and engulfment. Significantly, you mention none of those things for yourself. Nor do you mention having had a very fragile sense of who you are. I caution that I cannot tell you what issues you do or do not have. I am not a psychologist and I've never met you. What I am saying, then, is that the behaviors you describe for yourself do not match those that are known to be classic BPD traits.

Edited January 28, 2013 by Downtown

[turnera]

If he has that many traits, RUN. NOW.

 

He will NOT get better. It would take intense therapy, for years, and a HUGE desire on his part to do it. The only way I know for that to happen is if you leave him and make him earn you back.