I am the Husband...

[inthegrey]

I have been in love with someone for over 15 years, and she isn't my wife. She has been my best friend for so long, and unfortunately I met her while I was married and had a young child. Over the course of our friendship, which had some intense emotional situations, including her cutting me off for a number of years, and in that time I had two other children with my wife. The OW cut me off because she couldn't make sense of the relationship and I couldn't either at the time. My second child wasn't born out of love, and the third was a so-called medical miracle. This woman got a hold of me again after a number of years, and we are friends once more. I know there are going to be a number of women on here who think I am a piece of SH*! and I understand. My heart hurts over this. I care for this woman so much, and I would do anything for her. I am committed to my family, and she knows that. She actually stated that no matter how intense things became between us, she would never let me leave them. I know she cares about the well-being of my children. Is this kind of relationship possible (we have never been physically intimate by the way)? Why did this happen? I know I shouldn't have married my wife in the first place, but I have chosen to make the best of the situation for my kids. I know what the replies will be, but if anyone has different take on this, other than the conventional "your an a-hole, she's a whore" type mentality, then I need to look elsewhere.

[TaraMaiden]

You need to sever all contact with her, period.

Unequivocally.

This has to stop.

You have to completely cut her out of your life.

Send her one last message, short, sweet and to the point.

 

"This cannot continue.

Please never contact me, ever again. It's for the best."

 

And FOCUS.

[justwhoiam]

Is this kind of relationship possible

I guess. But it can involve a lot of pain. And you need to see if you can balance between family and an EMR.

 

we have never been physically intimate by the way)

You can't risk losing everything for someone you don't even know if you have chemistry with. I mean, you can't know if you fit with her sexually. What if you don't? You'd be twice unhappy.

 

Why did this happen?

It's simple. You are not in love with your wife. And when you're not in love, you're ready to fall in love with someone worth it.

[anne1707]

How is the well-being of your children served by their parents staying in a loveless marriage? Is this the kind of message you want to give them about married life?

 

Focus on whether you should really stay in your marriage or not first. If you do, then please work on improving it. If you know you can never love your wife then leave her - you will all be better off for that inlcuding your children. You can then decide whether you want to pursue a relationship with this friend.

[Ladybugz]

Well its like you know what i was going to reply! (read your last words)!

Cause that is how i think of woman and men like you.

 

You have to understand something, cheating is your choice.

Not of the kids or your wife. Its like a ship.

You as the captain. Sinking (cheat)was your idea!

But jet you will bring down your whole family.

 

Cause kid see their mother cry everyday or sad for whatver reason.

Kids feel when there is something wrong.

And cause of the what the grew up seeing they will

have a certain look towards men and woman.

So if their dad made their mother suffer , they will grow up with a big anger towards men

and think they are not worth it.

Or they may be a mother themselves that only choose looser to date.

 

I thnk you should ask your self do i really love my family or

do am i just affraid for the consequences of what i may lose.

 

Cause last time i check love puts you in action to be the best for the one you love.

love is honest.

Who are you loving now? Who have your priority when you are cheating and keep this affair going on?

Who benefit from it?

 

I dont think your wife deserve to be fooled.

If you want to mess, divorce and get dirty.

But dont waste your wifes time, thinking you are 100 with her.

 

You know in your heart that this other woman is for pleasure.

And she is smarter then you cause she told you clearly that she is not

about to move any finger to be serious with you.

 

But jet she is same wrong as you.

She act like she care but , she keep the big action that shows that she dont care

going on. And that is the affair.

But i think she is saying, i will play this game with you, but keep your wife cause

i dont want to deal with your ****. Cause i only want the pleasure.

 

I think a men will only stop when something hit him.

So i will not tell you to stop.

I will advice you to tell your wife what kind of men you are.

And let her decide if she wants to be with you.

She did not choose a cheated men. So make shore she knows the truth

and live your life by the truth.

So you can look your kids 2 in the eye when they grow up especially.

 

And this is why your best freind should be your wife / the one you are engaged with.

If its not thats a huge problem!

TThis is why some woman dont want their husband to have female friends.

[synes]

The thing that struck me about your post above is that your OW doesn't want you to leave your wife.

What is the OW situation? Is she married also? It sounds like she's happy to remain in this restricted relationship, why is that?

Unfortunately I feel many people see everything in black and white, you married so therefore you must endure that decision regardless of how you feel.

you should talk to your wife about the problems in your relationship, what is the OW giving you that you're not getting from your wife, could you explore that with your wife? Invest some time in being honest with each other and take a break from your OW.

 

My other red flag in your post is the birth of your two children, you speak like a blame shifter, it wasn't my idea I was forced into it, well you were sexual active with your wife for her to have gotten pregnant, you were a willing participant and if sex with your wife is just a function and not driven by love then I strongly suggest MC.

 

I don't believe a person should stay in a marriage for the sake of children, it leads to resentment and contempt, not a healthy environment for children and hey this is no dress rehearsal, this is your life, your wife's life, ticking by you need to fix what's broken or face up to it, get out and stop lying to her.

[Ajvd1]

I assume your ow is just telling you not to leave your family as she thinks this is what you want to hear. This way she doesn't have to cut you out of her life completely because she feels that settling for a little is better than nothing. I know because I have been there. If you truly just "stay for the kids" thats pretty unfair to your wife. You both deserve to be happy and someone who fulfills and fully shares your life. I say take a break from both of them and be a man and figure out what you need out of life. I am not bashing you in the least just feel at some point you are gonna end up hurting two women you care about and how will it feel to live with that?

[woinlove]

I think more info is needed. Has the OW had any other romantic relationships over the 15 years or is she just focussed on you? Is she at all interested in the idea of a committed R with a man? Do you understand why she does not want you to divorce and be with her?

 

And for your situation: Are your children being brought up in a loving family with a good example of their parent's love for each other? While children are affected by divorce, they are also affected by poor family dynamics. Difficult to have a happy home for children if the parents both live there and are not happy with themselves and with each other. Does you wife know of your love for the OW?

 

In my case, I didn't want MM to leave his M and when he did, then I left him. Even though I felt I loved him, ultimately I did not see myself in a committed R with him, and this became most apparent when he was divorced. I wanted someone more trustworthy, although I didn't admit that to him or myself at the time. However, I'm not sure what is going on with the OW in your case that she does not want you to divorce and be with her as a life partner. Maybe you are not the man for her. Maybe she does not want a committed R - I thought I didn't, but in reality I had not yet met the man I wanted to commit to.

[spice4life]

Well, you're in a tough situation. That's for sure.

 

My advice is to be honest with your wife and tell her how you feel. Detach from your friend for a while (tell her why first) to clear your head and focus on the issues in your marriage. Have a frank an open conversation with your wife and go from there. In your situation I think an authentic approach is the best way to go. There is nothing wrong with being honest about how your feeling with your wife. If she minimizes and disregards your feelings then try individual counseling. Why sit and torture yourself? Take charge of your life and work on a solution.

[egalew]

Most divorces are initiated by the wife. (Fact). I've seen men stick out the worst situations, hanging in there. It's always the wife that files.

 

I question if your motive for sticking in there is more fear than anything else. Marriage is comforting. Socially acceptable. A single live, while it has its advantages, is tough at times.

 

I find it odd you and the OW never had sex, so wonder if the feelings are mutual or what else is gong on there.

[Cabin]

I think personal counselling where you bare all honestly is a first step.

 

I do not agree that a person must stay married no matter what.

 

If you don't love your wife and your relationship isn't a good model for your own children (who may learn that marriage is simply a relationship one endures over a long period of time), then you will need to sort out what that may mean with a therapist.

 

I also do not agree with staying until the kids are grown to wait to leave. Then you're just playing a charade and blindsiding them once you think they're old enough to handle it. I actually think divorce is more of a transition for teens and young adults than it is for young children.

 

In my case, my AP and I left our marriages and we have four small children between us.

 

The old expression "the grass isn't greener" is pretty ridiculous actually.

 

The grass is greener, in my case.

[veryhappy]

You are asking if you can have an A. Yes, you can especially if she won't ever ask you to leave the M to be with her. Actually, it will work as long as both sides agree on where the A leads and what it means.

 

Your love for your youngest kids aside, can you make a choice between:

1) current life

2) having gotten a divorce after a child and be together with the other person for what? 10 years now? Maybe even had kids with her.

 

Is your wife fairly happy with the M? Would she say she's happily married? What about you?

[2sunny]

I have been in love with someone for over 15 years, and she isn't my wife. She has been my best friend for so long, and unfortunately I met her while I was married and had a young child. Over the course of our friendship, which had some intense emotional situations, including her cutting me off for a number of years, and in that time I had two other children with my wife. The OW cut me off because she couldn't make sense of the relationship and I couldn't either at the time. My second child wasn't born out of love, and the third was a so-called medical miracle. This woman got a hold of me again after a number of years, and we are friends once more. I know there are going to be a number of women on here who think I am a piece of SH*! and I understand. My heart hurts over this. I care for this woman so much, and I would do anything for her. I am committed to my family, and she knows that. She actually stated that no matter how intense things became between us, she would never let me leave them. I know she cares about the well-being of my children. Is this kind of relationship possible (we have never been physically intimate by the way)? Why did this happen? I know I shouldn't have married my wife in the first place, but I have chosen to make the best of the situation for my kids. I know what the replies will be, but if anyone has different take on this, other than the conventional "your an a-hole, she's a whore" type mentality, then I need to look elsewhere.

 

 

Each idea/thought - you've written: mainly because your words and actions don't match (lying to self).

 

If you love this OW - divorce your W.

 

Your heart hurts - so what. You are harming many.

 

You won't do "anything" for the OW - because you are still M. Stop lying to yourself.

 

Don't fool yourself - she's left before - why should she be second choice forever? She must not think much of herself = not a healthy woman.

 

She doesn't care about your kids or she wouldn't be ruining their family life together.

 

It happens because two people are selfish and self serving - to the extent of hurting others.

 

You haven't "made the best life for your kids" - stop kidding yourself! Your not honoring your wife/THEIR Mother!

 

Quit fooling yourself! Divorce your W - you're not respecting her - and you're not honest!

[Catplates]

I think you should stop wasting the OW life. 15 years is enough... that is assuming that she has never married or been in a relationship.

 

If you want to do the right thing by your kids, cut ties with OW. You are just flipping and flapping around with not real committment to either woman or your children.

 

Man up ! Either be a good husband and father or leave.

 

You cannot ultimately have both situations without the quality of both suffering.

 

You do not say how your wife feels at all. Is she aware of your luke warm attitude towards her? I wonder how hurt she might be if she knew.

 

Stop living in the past and chasing rainbows. Let the OW go and find her own happiness. Give your own family a fair go.

 

Cat.

[whichwayisup]

I have been in love with someone for over 15 years, and she isn't my wife. She has been my best friend for so long, and unfortunately I met her while I was married and had a young child. Over the course of our friendship, which had some intense emotional situations, including her cutting me off for a number of years, and in that time I had two other children with my wife. The OW cut me off because she couldn't make sense of the relationship and I couldn't either at the time. My second child wasn't born out of love, and the third was a so-called medical miracle. This woman got a hold of me again after a number of years, and we are friends once more. I know there are going to be a number of women on here who think I am a piece of SH*! and I understand. My heart hurts over this. I care for this woman so much, and I would do anything for her. I am committed to my family, and she knows that. She actually stated that no matter how intense things became between us, she would never let me leave them. I know she cares about the well-being of my children. Is this kind of relationship possible (we have never been physically intimate by the way)? Why did this happen? I know I shouldn't have married my wife in the first place, but I have chosen to make the best of the situation for my kids. I know what the replies will be, but if anyone has different take on this, other than the conventional "your an a-hole, she's a whore" type mentality, then I need to look elsewhere.

 

No you're not an a-hole. You're a man who married the wrong woman, you know that and now it's time to fix it but divorcing her so she can find love with another man who will love and adore her, treat her like a queen. You can co parent with her, have joint custody of your kids. it can work. What you are doing now is unfair to BOTH women.

 

Tell your wife the truth so can make an informed decision about her marriage and life.

[justwhoiam]

He even said one of his kids was born out of love while OW was not in the picture.

Actually, I misinterpreted that statement... I read it as "without love" out as in outside. Sorry.

 

What you say might be true for many, but not all. My theory is that being together 24/7 can intensify issues. In fact, if you are on vacation with someone, everything can be just perfect if you're a perfect fit, or it can turn to a nightmare if personalities are too different. I saw that happening quite some times, between couples. To the point of being back home and break up.

 

A life together can increase the chance of frictions, fights and whatnot. Don't always see everyone's spouse as a saint. I personally saw "I hate you" and mean sentences, insults... to reach that point, you must have gone through a lot probably. Still, respect has long gone and lost. And when that happens, a man has definitely fallen out of love, young dreams are not there anymore. The person they married is not there anymore. I would say women are more inclined to abuse their H verbally, and men are more inclined to accept any kind of verbal abuse. As some other poster just pointed out, men tend to stay and accept very bad situations in their marriages and then they seek a way out. When they see a future with someone else, and sense they can live a happy life with someone else, they are ready to leave.

[Minnie09]

Could be she never wanted to have a PA with him. I doubt that HE was the one refusing sex. She might have strung him along and friendzoned him while at the same time offering emotional intimacy for her own benefit. Many insecure chicks do that for attention and never "give" physical closeness. That way, they keep the upper hand for a little longer. In this case, it worked. She might be or have been in her own M, but we'll never find out until/unless he returns.