missmac Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 Hey, I'll try to keep this short. My boyfriend and I have been together just 10 months, we got a puppy together after 4 months and I moved in with him 3 months ago to make it easier for both of us to care for our puppy. The thing is, we moved in together WAY before I felt I was ready, and for a reason that isn't a good enough reason. I did something I never wanted to do, and that was move in with someone for the wrong reasons. I feel like our fights have been more frequent and increasingly intense, as we are both very different in our values and upbringing- and we don't see eye to eye on many things, which has caused a lot of stress and tension. We had a big blow out but are now working it out - but I told him that I want to move back in to my own place, because trying to just "deal" with all our problems is not working for me anymore. I have also lost trust after he tried to threaten to kick me out after a fight, knowing my name is not on the lease and I am at his mercy. Another fundamental issue is that I am 27 and have been through serious relationships and have lived independently on my own for 5 years.....he is 21, and never lived with a serious girlfriend, or even on his own! I feel like if he lived on his own, he would understand why I get upset about tidying up after himself, and respecting privacy sometimes. I'm not telling him he HAS to live on his own.... But I'm not sure I can build a life with someone who lacks that experience and insight. I'm not going to act like his mother and keep nagging him to do the most basic of things, like cleaning. I've got better things to do. He said I should look for a short term lease, then we can move back in together. But I don't know how I feel with a time limit.....the whole reason I'm upset in the first place is that I made a decision I wasn't comfortable with. I want to move back out and live someplace I can't get kicked out of when he decides he doesn't like what he hears. And I think it's fair of me to say I will live apart as long as I like, until I feel I trust him and want to live with him. I know this is all backwards and feels like a step back, but I see it as correcting a mistake and starting back at a point we can build from. Has anyone else ever done anything like this? Any advice would be appreciated, I know it's a weird situation.... Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 Sounds like you're on the money to me. Relationships have a tendency to naturally progress. Next thing you know, you're engaged and getting married to someone you fight with. Welcome to the 50% that divorce. Get your own place. Take a few years to see if you're compatible. I would also be a little wary of this "nagging" dynamic. I'm not blaming you (maybe it is his fault, I don't really have enough information) but it struck a cord with me. You're not his mommy and you need to respect each other as equals. I think living separately for now will help. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author missmac Posted January 26, 2013 Author Share Posted January 26, 2013 Ok yeah, a couple years! I thought that was perfectly reasonable too! But he's saying its too long and that he might end up resenting me for it. That is a chance I am willing to take because I refuse to just steamroll over all of these problems, and go from happily dating without much pressure to unhappily cohabiting after only 7 months together. I think he may be a bit co-dependant.... He is used to everyone else doing everything for him. (That's where the nagging comes in) I don't feel like I should have to tell someone to clean their week old dishes and garbage off the table.... And I think it is extremely bad manners when I cook diner all by myself, and then have to cleanup by myself. I think it's common that if someone's makes you diner, you clean up? Like I said, he has never lived on his own, he has always had someone else there to either get fed up and clean up his mess, or yell at him to do it himself. I don't think it's fair of him to ask me to get a short term lease.... I am going to move out, wherever I can afford, that is decent, and for as long as I need.... I guess if we are really meant to be together for a long time, like he claims, then waiting a year or 2 until we understand each other better, is nothing in the long run. Bottom line: if the fighting continues after I move out, and he starts fights over things related to me moving out, I'm going to end it. He sees this as things ending, I told him its not, if he can't understand that I am doing this because I want to be with him, and am trying to do things properly so we don't crash and burn before we reach a year....guess it wasn't meant to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author missmac Posted January 26, 2013 Author Share Posted January 26, 2013 Yeah....... I've been struggling with that for a while.... most the time, it's never a problem.....but he lacks a lot of life experience. IMPORTANT life experience, that I am not prepared to guide him through. I already did all that - and to be honest, I'd like to be with someone who at least has the curiosity to want to go explore life on their own. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 Did you know that the brain is not fully developed or mature until a person hits around 26? You're still dealing, to all intents and purposes, with someone whose brain hasn't finished fully forming yet. And you have a puppy together....? Result....? You have two children to deal with, not one........ Link to post Share on other sites
Author missmac Posted January 27, 2013 Author Share Posted January 27, 2013 Sometimes it feels that way.....yes. And on top of that, trying to juggle 3 jobs so I can finally pay off my credit card debt, and trying to get a promotion at my main job (which I love) I don't think it's selfish of me to want to focus on getting ahead at work, my bf owns his own company (yes at the age of 21) and works hard too so he really shouldn't get upset when I volunteer to work late... He said that my priorities are backwards, but I would never ask him to dismiss his work so we can "have a talk" Wow, you know what, suddenly there isn't such a struggle over what I should do. This clearly isn't working for me. So now.....the big question of whether or not to keep dating, and start over in our own living spaces....do you think the separation will be a good way to resolve our problems? Like lack of respect for time, house cleanliness? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toddbt12y1 Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 Whatever you feel as right in the end, so that. He can be maturer. 21, doesn't mean crap. There are some 30+s that are immature for their big developed brains. He must have some maturity to maintain a business. Maybe time apart can help too. Such hatred for anyone under 25 on here...didn't know you suddenly became mature at a certain age That explains the thirty year old game addicts I see Link to post Share on other sites
Author missmac Posted January 27, 2013 Author Share Posted January 27, 2013 I think if it was meant to be - then we will make this work. There are far too many things we need to learn about each others day to day quirks and find a way to be ok with our differences before we move back in. I've never been about doing what's convenient, so I don't want to start now, I made a bad decision, hopefully this can be salvaged! Thank you, all of you Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 Such hatred for anyone under 25 on here...didn't know you suddenly became mature at a certain age That explains the thirty year old game addicts I see Er.... no 'hatred' from me. Just pure biological fact. I'm just pointing out that the age ratio is actually biologically quite wide.... and it's an established and well-known fact that the 'male brain' does develop at a slower and different rate to that of the 'female brain'. It's a consideration to give some attention to. He is child-ish - because he's closer to still being child-like in many ways, than she is. It's a factor. Thats' all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author missmac Posted January 27, 2013 Author Share Posted January 27, 2013 He gets so upset when I make any reference to his age or inexperience............but at times (especially when we are having an argument) he acts extremely immature, and doesn't display the same rational discussion skills I have come to learn, over the years. He makes points that are irrelevant, and is really quick to say I'm being mean and hurting his feelings, when he does the same to me..... Only difference is that I apologize for my words....he has yet to say he's sorry, which tells me that he thinks he did't do anything wrong, therefore, no apology needed. I don't know, the age thing was never a problem until we moved in together and his true colours came through.. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 Is this the first time he's lived away from home, with a SO? He will change, but needs education and guidance. Honestly, as I have heard some say, he's not "fully cooked" yet. And that's not a fault, it's a fact. In a way, you're fulfilling two (or even more) roles here: GF, mother, guide. Is this relationship more fulfilling for you - or for him? Who, currently do you feel is gaining more advantage from your liaison? I'm not trying to split you guys up - but you need to see what you've let yourself in for. A 5-year gap is truly nothing. I'm 5 years older than my H. But we're in our 50's. And of course, the age difference is utterly negligible, as to be utterly irrelevant. At your stage, it may be a bit of a red flag, though.... Just adding food for thought..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author missmac Posted January 27, 2013 Author Share Posted January 27, 2013 No, I know you are just trying to help me see both sides of this, I appreciate it, thank you. He has only ever lived on campus in dorm housing, or with roommates....so not fresh from home, but still unaware of what it's like having your own place when theres no one around to tell you to pick up after yourself, or clean up themselves! And yes, I do feel like the dynamic has changed, and that I am taking on a motherly role more often, which skews the way I see him, and affects our intimacy......last thing I want to do after working a full day, coming home to do 1 hour extra work, make diner by myself, and clean up the house - is cuddle. He is def getting the better deal...... he leaves me with the dog whenever he's out of town, or on sundays to watch football, and various other times during the week, not even asking if i have plans. (which sadly, I dont right now) And before I moved in, he said rent was 700, which was great - but apparently that was only for his last roommate, a friend who he cut a break..... so now we split rent 50/50 so I am now paying 1000/ month - same as my bachelor suite i moved out of, but now I have less privacy and more housework. Link to post Share on other sites
Author missmac Posted January 27, 2013 Author Share Posted January 27, 2013 None of this really matters now anyways I guess, we broke up this morning, I am moving out next month..... Guess Im just hoping these were all good enough reasons to stick to my guns..... Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 Are you okay? What prompted the break-up, if you want to share.... I'm sorry it went that way. If you want to vent, I for one, am here. Link to post Share on other sites
zuzzers Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 Er.... no 'hatred' from me. Just pure biological fact. I'm just pointing out that the age ratio is actually biologically quite wide.... and it's an established and well-known fact that the 'male brain' does develop at a slower and different rate to that of the 'female brain'. It's a consideration to give some attention to. He is child-ish - because he's closer to still being child-like in many ways, than she is. It's a factor. Thats' all. Gotta call BS on that. Link to post Share on other sites
zuzzers Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 Bringing up his age or inexperience is TOTALLLY IRRELEVANT! That has ZERO substance to it! The age or inexperience thing are what women do when want to "prove" thye are right but lack REAL substance. Picking up around the house?? Some people do, some don't; it is up to the individual. If you INSIST on him doing that, then I would move on, cause it seems he is not the guy for you. That is NOT an age thing, many of us men REFUSE to pick up, EVEN after ourselves. You might find that you get with an older man and are happy to pick up after him but you DO NOT RESPECT the younger man enough to do the same for him. Unless you are "cheating" at work, assuming you are not, he should respect you and understand that your career has some demands too. But again, would you make more time for an older "more established" man? Maybe you are not compatiable with eachother? Maybe so but it is ridiculous to dump this all on his age. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 Gotta call BS on that. You would, but you're probably male. And under 26. Link to post Share on other sites
zuzzers Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 You would, but you're probably male. And under 26. So you would probably be an OVER THE HILL woman? I have a girl who is turning 27 in April. I have been married, well you can figure that out, over 20 years. The labels are never going to solve anything. Funny, one of my girls had a boyfriend, who was 12 years older than her. She had pretty much the same complaints abut him that the OP had about her boyfriend. She communited her issues with him. (lack of picking up after yourself, getting mad about me working late, not communicating effectively). His response was YOU ARE TOO YOUNG! You don't know what you are talking about! So they had the same issues and broke up. Throwing out labels SOLVES NOTHING, it adresses nothing. If your "mate" came to you and said that the casue of their problems with you was because "you were too old and used up" would that put you in the proper frame of mind to work together on a solution or get defensive, angry, and withdrawn? A label is what a person uses when they don't have anything REAL to say. Given that the two of them broke up, the discussions did not go too well. I gotta say, however, a 21 year old with a successful business?? Impressive!! I would like one of my girls to find a guy bringing in the bucks at such a young age. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 Age can be a critical factor. My father was 11 years older than my mother. he would never have dated her when he was 18. That would have been unthinkable. And towards the end of his life, my mother moved from the status of simply being his 'wife' to also being his primary nursing carer. Similarly, I would never have given my H the time of day, had i met him when I was 17.... Now, there's absolutely no 'difference in age' at all. Age dynamics can play a big part. And the mental gap in this specific context - in this specific thread's case - has proven to be an issue. it has. And emotional and cerebral maturity is a biological factor, here, that's all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author missmac Posted February 15, 2013 Author Share Posted February 15, 2013 it was not because of his age - most of the time the fact that we were 6 years apart was not even noticeable. There were, however, things that I had experienced by his age - like living alone, that I felt may have made it difficult for him to understand why I got upset about certain things. Living alone taught me a LOT of things about life, and quickly matured me to adapt to a higher level of responsibility and accountability. We were going to see a councellor to find a better way to communicate with each other - but I thought about it, and even if we were successful, it wouldnt solve the biggest issue. He wants kids (eventually) and I have never wanted kids at all, havent changed my mind since I was 11 years old. I might change my mind, MIGHT, but even then I would only be ok adopting (I have my reasons for this) but It is not fair of me to say I can do something I don't know if I am capable of. I might not change my mind - and if so, I don't want to wait 5 years down the road, only to have to tear our relationship apart after we grow closer. I hate that the subject of kids was brought up so early on in our relationship (he brought it up after 3 months!) and instantly I saw that we wanted different things. So now I am packing up my things, completely heartbroken - because I love him more than Ive ever loved anyone, but I am not able to give im the things he wants, and it's unfair of me to make him wait around to see if I change my mind. I am always going to wonder - if we never talked about kids so early, and had the chance to know one another, and grow together first - maybe I might have had a change of heart? I feel like the minute he said that I went in to defense mode.... I am trying so hard to not let him hear me cry myself to sleep, or know how hurt I actually am. I sometimes think I might be alone for the rest of my life..... I am a difficult person to get along with, have pretty unusual tendencies, and don't want a family..... I think we have broken up enough times now that there is no chance of reconciliation, but part of me wishes we were still together. Did I give up? Link to post Share on other sites
Absewarrior Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 missmac: Congratulations...you did exactly what you were supposed to by living with him...you found out if he was a keeper....he isn't so you are moving on. Life is short so it is always excellent to learn your lessons, act on them quickly and move on to a better place. I wish you many adventures in the romance world and I hope you find someone who wants the same things in life you do and holds the same morals and values. My spouse and I never had children and we have had a fantastic life regardless. It is truly about finding someone who is compatible in all the ways that will make your life whole for you. Best of Luck, AW Link to post Share on other sites
Author missmac Posted February 15, 2013 Author Share Posted February 15, 2013 thank you so much, you make me feel more hopeful about the future <3 Link to post Share on other sites
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