Broken up with because lack of "spark"

[StraylightRun24]

Hey guys I've been coming here for the past couple of weeks because a couple days after Christmas my girlfriend of 4 months broke up with me completely out of left field because as she said, "she lacked a spark for me." While I feel a little silly being so upset about only 4 month relationship, especially after reading about some of the others posters heartbreaks, I would really like some of your advice and feedback because I have to say I am utterly baffled with what happened (and probably always will).

 

To make a long story short....Everything was going great between us. In the weeks leading up to her breaking up with me she had picked me up from the airport coming back from Thanksgiving with my family, took me to her niece's 1st birthday party and introduced me to the entire family as her boyfriend, took me to coworkers/friends party and did the same, and spent the night on Christmas Eve with me and my parents exchanging gifts and all that jazz. 3 days later she comes over to hangout and after about 30 minutes of shooting the **** she lays down, "I can't be your girlfriend any more....I lack the spark for you....I don't want to hurt you down the road cause even though you haven't said it (I love you of course) I feel like you're getting there." Obviously I was pretty much in shock and the only thing I can remember to actually saying was, "This is like my own personal Pearl Harbor.....I didn't see it coming!" She eventually left and texted me a couple of days later asking if I was okay and she was sorry and concerned for me and did I want to talk. We eventually had a 3 hour conversation that night and she did the typical I want to continue being your friend but I told her at this point that wasn't possible because I can't just back track down that road cause more or less my feelings for her are too strong. I asked her not to call/text me and would reach out to her when I felt I was ready. That was just about 4 weeks ago and I've stuck to my guns and have gone the no contact route (and like the most of you have said on here it's hard as hell!) and she has actually respected my wishes and hasn't reached out to me (which if I'm being honest bums me out a little but I know deep down it's for the best).

 

The last little bit of information is that she is planning on moving across the country this upcoming summer and the only friend of her's I actually know to some degree really believes this is why she called it off between us because as he believes, "she doesn't want to get hurt." We actually had a conversation about the topic of her moving a couple of weeks before she ended things and that she felt, "guilty for entering into a relationship with me with an expiration date." A little part of me wishes this was true, but I don't know....

 

I guess what I'm looking for is reassurance that I'm doing the right thing by doing the no contact route and not fighting a losing battle with somebody who basically told me, you're great, but I lack the "spark" for you?

 

(end of venting lol)

Edited January 26, 2013 by StraylightRun24

[Ruby Slippers]

You're doing the right thing.

 

If she really loved you, she would not lack "spark" for you.

 

She's actually doing you a favor. Better she tells you this at 4 months than after 10 years of marriage and a couple of kids.

[Yamcha]

Don't feel bad or silly at all. Your feelings are perfectly legit. I had a less-than-4-month relationship that went really fast (to the point where she asked me to marry her...and then broke up with me). And now I'm still coping, despite the fact that it's been longer than the length of the relationship since we've broke up. This doesn't sound encouraging, but it's gotten a HELL of a lot easier as the time passes, granted you stay strong and don't break NC. The feelings come in waves, but they get weaker and weaker each time. Love can be good, but unrequited love is nothing more than a demon. Your desire to be with her can be defeated. Trust me on this.

[StraylightRun24]

Thanks for the words of encouragement guys. You're completely right Ruby Slippers about looking at it from that perspective. While I'm sitting here heart broken at the moment at least I wasn't strung along any further and have my heart even more crushed. It's just a very sobering realization that you really have no idea what is going on in someone else's head, especially when you think you're both feeling the same thing. I mean I really thought we had great chemistry/connection and I know we were both having a blast being together. What more could you ask for?! But as all of us know on here, love apparently doesn't make sense sometimes....

 

I'm going to continue with my no contact pledge even though it's tearing me apart to do it, but I know the other option would be a huge set back and ultimately in the end would hurt me even more.

[Chi townD]

Well, I have to say that she probably ended it with you because of two reasons. One, she is moving across the country and she needed to cut ties. And number two, the honeymoon phase of the relationship was ending for her. Thus, the spark being gone. All relationships go through this. The butterflies when they see you, the lust in your private moments...those are temporary and when those go away, some folks aren't looking at the one they love and is their best friend. Someone that they can't see themselves away from. Those are the relationship that are meant to go further. She doesn't see it going further because she's leaving.

[Navajo46]

I have heard this before from my ex. This to me is getting more and more common. It is the sign of an immature person who doesn't understand what a healthy relationship is. It is always important to keep the attraction but it's not just looks that attracts you to that person once you get to know them.

 

People don't seem to understand anymore that after your with someone for so long there is no more "spark"... butterflies and whatnot as Chi Town said. In my experience most of the younger generation live in a fairy tale Hollywood movie land now where they think after 2,4, 6 years or whatever they are going to see that person they are with and go running into their arms and have the same passion that they did in the beginning. But, unfortunately the excitement is gone most of the time at that point.

 

I had a friend of mine that just got a divorce because his wife of 5 years had an affair with another married man and told him the same thing... she missed the spark. I treated my ex very well, did everything for her, helped her emotionally through serious problems and was always there for her. She basically told me the same thing because the spark was not there and there was another guy... married.... that was telling her everything that she wanted to hear. It's new and exciting etc. It's such bull**** to me. Most people don't look at the other qualities that make a relationship last anymore... chemistry, personality, trust, dependability, loyalty etc. You can have all that and someone will still leave you because of a spark. My ex and I laughed every second of every moment that we were together and had attraction but no excitement.

Edited January 28, 2013 by Navajo46

[LduKaZ]

As sad as this sounds, most girls cant handle getting into a confort zone. As soon as they realize things are getting serious and easy, they feel like they lose interest.

 

Its a twisted mind set this generation. They all look for adventures and challenges, not for happiness. Hence why so many of them go for married or unavailable dudes. You can read it yourself here on LS, so many threads with girls going absolute nuts because the guy they love is with someone else or cheated on them or something! It makes them fall even more!

 

Its sick and disgusting.. The good news are, there are a few girls out there that are actually relationship and family oriented. You just gotta keep looking.

[flitzanu]

losing the spark with you very likely means you're not exciting her anymore. hence, "spark" is gone.

 

when that happens, chances are they're finding that "spark" by getting attention elsewhere.

 

most probable issue was not that you were bad, or not doing it for her, but that she's probably just fickle and keeps looking for the honeymoon phase and an emotional high.

[StraylightRun24]

You guys have all made some excellent points. I believe a few of you nailed it on the head when saying some women (and men) are looking for this unattainable lasting "spark" or whatever you want to call it. While breaking up with me she brought up how she felt "sparks" with a guy she dated when she was younger. Without getting into too much detail, it obviously didn't end well on her end because he basically lied to her the entire time and she was devastated, but alas that's what she compared her feelings (or lack of) towards me....

 

In the end though I guess it really doesn't matter if it was a lack of "spark" or her realizing she was moving so continuing with a relationship that was becoming serious and that she viewed as having an "expiration date." Really the only thing that matters is it's over.

 

It's a really tough pill to swallow especially when you finally think you found someone that you truly connect to and honestly believe is feeling the same way about you.

[flitzanu]

You guys have all made some excellent points. I believe a few of you nailed it on the head when saying some women (and men) are looking for this unattainable lasting "spark" or whatever you want to call it. While breaking up with me she brought up how she felt "sparks" with a guy she dated when she was younger. Without getting into too much detail, it obviously didn't end well on her end because he basically lied to her the entire time and she was devastated, but alas that's what she compared her feelings (or lack of) towards me....

 

In the end though I guess it really doesn't matter if it was a lack of "spark" or her realizing she was moving so continuing with a relationship that was becoming serious and that she viewed as having an "expiration date." Really the only thing that matters is it's over.

 

It's a really tough pill to swallow especially when you finally think you found someone that you truly connect to and honestly believe is feeling the same way about you.

 

that last part is the only valid (pseudo)fact in what you've said. that's def the toughest part, but the truest part. the rest is all subjecting and guessing. if someone is that flighty and fickle, it would be a terrible time to try to settle down with her anyway.

[Ruby Slippers]

It's just a very sobering realization that you really have no idea what is going on in someone else's head, especially when you think you're both feeling the same thing. I mean I really thought we had great chemistry/connection and I know we were both having a blast being together. What more could you ask for?! But as all of us know on here, love apparently doesn't make sense sometimes....

I feel ya.

 

I was dating this guy I was crazy about - and I broke up with him a month ago because it was clear to me that he didn't feel the same way. He said he's just not a romantic guy and thinks "sparks" are for teenagers. But I felt crazy sparks for him, and I'm pretty sure he'll feel that when he meets someone who really does it for him.

 

We also had great compatibility in many ways, and even discussed how we felt we just snapped together and formed a lock. That was undeniable.

 

But I don't think you can really control who you feel that chemistry for. You just do or you don't. I can't be mad at him for not feeling something. You can't tell yourself how to feel.

 

I've also been with guys who were obviously crazy about me and would have hung the moon for me - and even though they were great guys, I didn't feel the same way. I wanted to, but just didn't. As sad as it can be, it's nothing personal. It's just the way it is.

 

So yeah, she did you a favor. The alternative was being with a woman who was lukewarm about you, pouring your heart and soul into the relationship, and things probably going downhill eventually when she met someone she did feel the spark for. Consider yourself spared a lot more pain later.

[Navajo46]

I feel ya.

 

I was dating this guy I was crazy about - and I broke up with him a month ago because it was clear to me that he didn't feel the same way. He said he's just not a romantic guy and thinks "sparks" are for teenagers. But I felt crazy sparks for him, and I'm pretty sure he'll feel that when he meets someone who really does it for him.

 

We also had great compatibility in many ways, and even discussed how we felt we just snapped together and formed a lock. That was undeniable.

 

But I don't think you can really control who you feel that chemistry for. You just do or you don't. I can't be mad at him for not feeling something. You can't tell yourself how to feel.

 

I've also been with guys who were obviously crazy about me and would have hung the moon for me - and even though they were great guys, I didn't feel the same way. I wanted to, but just didn't. As sad as it can be, it's nothing personal. It's just the way it is.

 

So yeah, she did you a favor. The alternative was being with a woman who was lukewarm about you, pouring your heart and soul into the relationship, and things probably going downhill eventually when she met someone she did feel the spark for. Consider yourself spared a lot more pain later.

 

I agree to a point here. I agree you just cannot help how you feel. But having a spark is not what makes a relationship last. The older generation has a completely different mentality on things. My parents and most friends parents have been married for 30 plus years and still together. The younger generation doesnt put the same value on marriage and a lasting relationship... Its just if im not happy then im out kind of attitude for the most part because its so common without really understanding why and then not even giving a chance to work on the problems. I mean what is the divorce rate now... 58 percent or somethig. I gotta believe its from alot of people who said oh we have a spark together and then once that was gone they listen to the romance novels and hollywood movies that they have seen and read and throw the other lasting qualities of a relationship out the door. Again to me you must have attraction to someone for whatever reason... Looks, chemistry, friendship etc... But if you are talking about marriage and being together forever people take the other things for granted.

 

I cant blame someone for falling out of love or losing feelings either, i just think too much value is put on a spark for someone. Guess it depends on each persons definition of a spark. Over the course of my last relationship which was 6 years... We lost the spark but were still attracted to each other... I had what i would define as a spark with a few different women that i had met... Attraction and excitement... But never wanted to leave my ex because i looked at the relationship we built and the closeness and friendship and the constant laughing and chemistry. Unfortunately, she left me because someone else she met was new and exciting and they have a spark.

Edited January 31, 2013 by Navajo46

[Ruby Slippers]

People have different ideas about love and "the spark" and so on. I think "the spark" is simply that strong mating and bonding urge - a strong attraction to be with the person physically, emotionally, spiritually, and on all levels. That chemistry generates all kinds of good feelings, drives, motivation. It fires you up to impress and be your best. I think in the ideal form, real love motivates you to rise to your best.

 

I want to be with a guy who feels that way about me, because I believe that is the best foundation for lasting love. I want to get married and have a family. I can't see that being much fun or really working out unless we have strong chemistry and love for each other. How can anybody really make a commitment like that without strong feelings of love driving them?

 

Now, I agree that "the spark" fades in most cases. It usually fades after about two years - just long enough to mate, have a baby, and nurture it to toddlerhood. But if you're aware that this usually happens, you can accept it, enjoy that zingy foundation you created together, and do things from time to time to fire it up again. (For example, doing adventurous and somewhat risky things like hiking and traveling fires up the same chemicals, so doing that stuff together can rekindle the flame.)

 

I agree with you that people are way too fixated on instant gratification these days. But I think it's natural and healthy to want to be with someone with whom you have that mutual chemistry. Personally, I don't even feel I'm being true to myself or fair to my partner if there's anything less.

[StraylightRun24]

I feel ya.

 

I was dating this guy I was crazy about - and I broke up with him a month ago because it was clear to me that he didn't feel the same way. He said he's just not a romantic guy and thinks "sparks" are for teenagers. But I felt crazy sparks for him, and I'm pretty sure he'll feel that when he meets someone who really does it for him.

 

We also had great compatibility in many ways, and even discussed how we felt we just snapped together and formed a lock. That was undeniable.

 

But I don't think you can really control who you feel that chemistry for. You just do or you don't. I can't be mad at him for not feeling something. You can't tell yourself how to feel.

 

I've also been with guys who were obviously crazy about me and would have hung the moon for me - and even though they were great guys, I didn't feel the same way. I wanted to, but just didn't. As sad as it can be, it's nothing personal. It's just the way it is.

 

So yeah, she did you a favor. The alternative was being with a woman who was lukewarm about you, pouring your heart and soul into the relationship, and things probably going downhill eventually when she met someone she did feel the spark for. Consider yourself spared a lot more pain later.

 

It's sort of funny I lost track of my own thread and didn't even realize it had more responses!

 

You are right on so many accounts Ruby Slippers. She can't help how she feels and she in fact did me a favor by ending it sooner rather than later when I would have been more emotionally invested.

 

I guess a lot of the hurt and if I'm being honest I guess a little anger (even though you're right I really have no reason to be mad at her. She was just doing what she thought was best for herself and in a strange way me) is coming from the illusion she basically set that we were making the next step into an actual serious relationship. It just bums me out that you can think you found someone really special and it can all be derailed by "sparks." I know in my case that if I didn't feel "sparks" I would have never continued going out with her after the 2nd or 3rd date, but that's just me I guess. Obviously everyone is different when it comes to how they feel and live their lives so I need to try and not judge her because it's not what I would have done.

 

@ flitzanu. You can definitely say she was extremely fickle at times. One example of this was the topic of Christmas Presents. At first she told me she really didn't do Christmas Presents. Then a couple of weeks later she told me she was going to get me some really cool ones (and she did). Then during the breakup I asked her why she even bothered going through with Christmas and getting me presents (I told her I would have rather had her save her money for her eventual move) if she already knew a week before Christmas things weren't going to work out and she told me, "I got you presents because you're my "friend." This is the same girl, from my knowledge, who only got me and her mother presents and the only reason she ended up getting her mom presents was because she asked her to! lol

[Ruby Slippers]

I know in my case that if I didn't feel "sparks" I would have never continued going out with her after the 2nd or 3rd date, but that's just me I guess.

Again, I feel ya.

 

I couldn't continue dating someone I didn't have real feelings for. What's the point?

 

I've wondered many times why my ex, this attractive, successful, great guy, would keep moving forward with me, given that he didn't have those feelings. But I'll probably never know. My best guess is he didn't have enough experience or confidence to go for someone he did feel that way for. Or maybe it was because he's such a control freak that he didn't want to risk losing control with those strong feelings. Or possibly he'd been shot down by crushes in the past and was playing it safe. Who knows? It really doesn't matter.

 

I think both you and I are lucky that we got out of these involvements after just a few months, rather than years.

[destroyed4sho]

As sad as this sounds, most girls cant handle getting into a confort zone. As soon as they realize things are getting serious and easy, they feel like they lose interest.

 

Its a twisted mind set this generation. They all look for adventures and challenges, not for happiness. Hence why so many of them go for married or unavailable dudes. You can read it yourself here on LS, so many threads with girls going absolute nuts because the guy they love is with someone else or cheated on them or something! It makes them fall even more!

 

Its sick and disgusting.. The good news are, there are a few girls out there that are actually relationship and family oriented. You just gotta keep looking.

It is not so simple. People (male/female) who grew up in dysfunctional families seek dysfunctional relationships because it is familiar and its something they can understand. As a normie, its best to stay away from these types. Fortunately for you, these types rarely find normies attractive.

If someone finds themselves attracted to these "bad girl" types consistently, it probably means they are not a normie either.