Buying a girl I hardly know, a valentines gift?

[BehindBlueEyes]

It's surprising you need this explained to you. Yes if I say 20 isn't too young, I'm also saying you're not too old for her.

 

You'll never good friends wit her. She's far to engaged for that.

 

 

I look at it this way... If my 19 year old niece brought home a guy my age...I'd have some trouble with that.

 

I could be the father of a 22 year old for Christ Sakes.

 

The girl I am talking about here wasn't even born when I was graduating high-school...

 

So yes....a 38 year old is way to old for a 20 year old....IMO.

[normal person]

I hope this isn't too harsh, sorry if it seems that way.

 

For some they haven't seen the thread I made about crushing on this 20 year old, recently engaged

 

That's where I stopped following you.

 

It isn't about becoming her BF or ruining her engagement or any of that. It was merely wanting to be more than just "the guy that comes by the store" to her. It would be cool to be decent friends, not even best...I'd take decent.

 

I think "the guy that comes into the store" is probably the best you can hope for. To me it seems like if it's going to be anything else it's going to be "that weird 38 year old guy who comes into the store and buys me chocolate and gives me Valentine's Day cards."

 

It doesn't matter if she laughs or acts like it's funny to her, the fact of the matter is you went out of your way to pay money for a gift in hopes that it would elicit some kind of response from her. People don't do that for no reason and on some level, she's aware of this. You don't have a "customer/work" relationship as you described. If you buy her stuff, you're trying to flirt with her and buy an acknowledgment. Yes it seems harmless. Even if it is, your intentions are still obvious.

 

I know it looks creepy, but dammit I have no intensions to win her love or become her BF....I know that....but yes I would like to be remembered by her and this is an attempt to do that. I want to be good friends and that will never happen...so this is the next best thing.

 

Specifying or rationalizing your intent does a poor job of masking your actual desire for this girl. Saying "I'll settle for 'good friends'" is just an empty aspiration because your goal (even if it's logistically impossible) is actually to be romantically involved with her whether you admit it or not. Nothing will be satisfactory until you have what you actually want. If she wasn't engaged, I'm sure the thread title would be "In love with a younger girl. HELP!" You're not kidding anyone, even yourself.

 

First it was: "That girl is cute but way too young and I don't know her. I'd be happy if she'd just talk to me."

Then it's: "That cute girl talks to me but we're just casual acquaintances. I wish we were real friends. I just want to be friends."

Then it's: "I'm friends with the cute girl but I'm really attracted to her. I wish she was my girlfriend."

Then you can't really climb up the ladder anymore and you'll be just as unhappy as you were before. Then, not surprisingly, you pop up in the "Friendzone" thread wondering what to do.

 

Don't lie to yourself. Here's how I see this playing out:

 

In the unlikely event that you become merely "good friends," you'll ultimately still be unsatisfied because you want to be more than that, you will keep trying to find excuses to spend time with her and buy her gifts because you subconsciously desire more than what you're getting. At some point it will cross the threshold from "he's harmless" to "now it's just creepy how this older guy keeps hanging around and giving me stuff." She'll make distance or politely remind you that she's engaged. If you don't stop, she'll tell her fiancé (if she hasn't already) and he'll threaten to kick your ass. You'll make some BS justification about "being really great friends with a special connection" that everyone knows is just a laughable last ditch effort to save face because you like a girl you can't possibly have.

 

Look, you need to find someone who's single, your own age, and obtainable. Otherwise there's nothing but endless frustration ahead for you. If you make a conscious effort to go and buy gifts for this girl, it's creepy and romantically charged whether or not you assure that it's otherwise. Your idealization of this situation is NOT the reality of it. Clarifying or masking your intentions doesn't make them less of lie to yourself or less obvious to anyone else.

[BehindBlueEyes]

Thanks, N_P.....

 

I'm not going to totally blame myself for these feelings I'm human too, believe it or not.

 

But yes, I can see how I think I want to be just friends is just a cover for my true feelings.

 

Don't worry....no gifts, no cards, just friendly hellos when I see her. I'm going to keep my distance this time.

[normal person]

Thanks, N_P.....

 

I'm not going to totally blame myself for these feelings I'm human too, believe it or not.

 

Oh, I know. There's no reason to assign blame, I think the issue is you wanting something you know you can't have and experiencing an internal struggle. Perfectly natural. I certainly understand the compulsion.

 

A few years ago when I was in school I used to work at an amusement park during the summers. There was a cute girl who worked in the offices and we had a fun/flirty/jokey sort of relationship, but we never hung out outside of work or got to talk for more than a few minutes at a time. She had a boyfriend although she never mentioned him. She let me keep some cookies at her desk because it was convenient. One day she found out it was my birthday and she went out and bought me some of the cookies and a card, it was really nice considering she was really just an acquaintance.

 

I was younger, dumber, and didn't really think into too much of it until I matured a bit and thought about all the conscious effort she must have put into that. She had to 1) Recognize it was my birthday and not dismiss it like anyone else's, 2) be compelled enough to get in her car and go to the store, 3) spend her hour's wage on the cookies and a card 4) write a thoughtful message on the card, probably deliberating over whether or not she should write a heart next to her name at the bottom (she did) but still not have it be too forward, and 5) not tell her boyfriend.

 

Now I'm fairly certain this girl must have had a thing for me when I consider all that, much like this girl you're after will undoubtedly figure it out if you give her a Valentine's Day card. People don't do those things for no reason. Even giving a card is a surprising amount of thought and effort given to a person you don't really know. It's not so much a nice gesture as it is an obvious indicator of interest.

 

Don't worry....no gifts, no cards, just friendly hellos when I see her. I'm going to keep my distance this time.

 

I really think you're making the right decision here. I can't think of any circumstance where an older guy giving a younger engaged woman an unsolicited gift (especially on Valentine's day) would be anything but odd.

Edited January 28, 2013 by normal person

[Eternal Sunshine]

Don't do it.

 

You are going to feel like s... when she tells you to leave her alone and that she is not interested.

[BehindBlueEyes]

Don't do it.

 

You are going to feel like s... when she tells you to leave her alone and that she is not interested.

 

 

Ok, please know that I have known her from the store for over a year, we get along and even play pranks on her co workers so it's not like I am this complete stranger.

 

Again I am not after to get her for my GF and all that, even though I do have a crush and I may have some unsettled feelings that I can surely get over as she is WAY to young for me. I simply like being around her and it is a sad notion that she is soon going away forever and I'll never see her again. I suppose it has something to do with my loner life, but whatever, it sucks. It'll just feel a lil more empty around here not seeing her around.

 

So no....I'm not this dominating 38 year old guy trying to win the heart of some 20 year old and ruin her engagement. Also I knew her before she even started going out with her fiancé. She JUST got engaged. And note that she said to come visit her at the new store sometimes.

 

I just want to destroy this illusion I am some old man trying to win a little girls heart and have her for my very very own.. I had a crush, that is it.

 

The dumb part was giving her a card on V-Day....ok that was stupid I admit it and I am glad I Posted about this and had people tell me what doing that would show.

[BehindBlueEyes]

Another thing I was wondering about.

 

I see some members on LS are sending each other candy and things through the mail and they ARE complete strangers and I want to give someone IRl a 20 dollar movie pass and a congrads on the new job, card and I am not a complete stranger to them.

 

I'm NOT saying I am making excuses to make myself do this to that girl....I am just wondering what the difference is.

 

Don't worry....I'm NOT going to come on to the girl....I decided I am going to treat the friendship for what it is, a platonic type and small chat when I pop in. I want to be the good guy that de-ices her windshield as friends(lol) not a creepy dude trying to tell her she loves me but doesn't know it yet....

 

You all woke me up on that....I would of been the creep if I kept giving gifts...so thanks! I was not seeing clearly.

[SmileFace]

Another thing I was wondering about.

 

I see some members on LS are sending each other candy and things through the mail and they ARE complete strangers and I want to give someone IRl a 20 dollar movie pass and a congrads on the new job, card and I am not a complete stranger to them.

Me and C aren't exactly stangers.

I speak to her just about everyday for the last year and a half and have sent her packages of baked goods as well.

[BehindBlueEyes]

Well guess who I ran into at K-Mart 20 minutes ago?....

 

Holy cow..... Why do things like that have to happen right now? LMAO!

 

She said the new store was pretty good, but she likes the other one better, but will stick it out, because it's a lot closer to her house.

I felt calm and ready to laugh, because of all this I write on LS about her LMAO...Oh god if she knew(Stop it Art;)

 

I swear to god I would of asked her to a movie right then and there if it weren't for her being hitched already..

 

Perhaps I am near ready to explore into that part of my life....finally. Sure would feel good to just say the words to a single girl for once in my life.....

 

Wanna go to dinner and a movie?"

 

*sobs*

[BehindBlueEyes]

Anyways after that I didn't feel more drawn in....I actually felt calmer afterwords in that she still acknowledges me and doesn't think I'm creepy. She's a nice girl and I feel happy to just let this one go and be the good guy....not the stalker freak.

 

I do however have the craving to get into at least one relationship in my stupid life....Perhaps just go on small dates with no expectations to get hooked or fall in love...Just for fun.

 

Sort of like a ..... Movie buddy....someone to go with, but not as a love interest. Only a girl though;)

[BehindBlueEyes]

Ask her out than. Or see if she'll set you up with one of her cute friends.

 

Just do what you want instead of coming her to have people talk you out of it.

 

 

She's engaged to be married I can't do that. I'm too old.

 

No coming here was a good thing, because it woke me in that giving her a card and a gift on V-Day would of put me from friend zone to WTF zone. It would of made me look like a "guy prying for more" and perhaps I would of been, but I wasn't seeing it. People here got me to see it....thank god.

 

Like Art said at first if I gave the gift on V-Day, it might not be a big deal, but her intuition will let her know something is brewing with me. Like driving home from work she may look at the gift/card and think..."Hmmmmmm:confused:" Next time I see her she may avoid me in fear she may be giving me the wrong vibes.... stuff like that.

 

I totally get it now....I'm not friends enough with her to do that sort of stuff.

 

Everyone here got me to see that before I set myself up for hurt.

[BehindBlueEyes]

I'm just tired of being creepy...I want to be the good guy and quit pushing myself on people.... I mean well when I do that crap, but it does look creepy.... I don't want to be one of those guys.

[BehindBlueEyes]

Ok I can't resist anymore...

 

 

The girl? Yesterday she invited me to lunch next week:)

 

She and her fiancé are moving sooner than expected due to getting a job offer. She told her co-worker from the old store to tell me when I come in, to call her up. Her Co-worker called her and we ended up making arrangements to meet at the new store and she'll take an early break and we'll go get a bite and say goodbye.

This just shows what kind of person she is....totally understanding, totally trusting and plain nice.

 

We did start becoming good friends at the old store last summer, we played pranks on her co -workers ect ect. Just feels good that she thinks of me enough in order to say goodbye in this way to me..

 

Made me feel real nice.

 

Saying goodbye will be hard, but she she just knows why it is ....for me.

 

When this is over I plan on building myself up to a real relationship.....I can't take being alone anymore....sick of it.

[Art_Critic]

Cool... have fun when you go and remember.. no VD gift.

[BehindBlueEyes]

Cool... have fun when you go and remember.. no VD gift.

 

 

No VD gift, Art...

 

I was ready to forget the whole thing until I talked with her Co-worker yesterday at the old store. She mentioned it to me and how she wanted me to call her before they left. She knows what kind of person I am...she picked up that I am kinda down and out and all that crap...she just gets it.

I was happy she wanted to call me and I thought we'd say goodbye on the phone, but when she invited me to come down to the store and we'll get a bite.....I just went into La-La land. We'll probably go to the little dinette in the same plaza and get a Coke or something, not like a candle light dinner or anything:laugh:

 

I think this is going to be great closure on the whole thing, but most awesome thing about it is the fact I like this feeling and I plan on building up a real relationship I can truly call mine and not another false hope.

 

I can't wait.... I'm happy she is improving her career and happy...I'm glad for that and I appreciate that she thinks of me good enough to invite me out like this. All I can say is....it has now given me a great deal of confidence....I don't feel like the creepy guy on the 10 speed anymore...I feel real and ready to explore into a real relationship.

 

I'll still be sad when she leaves, but I am glad for this closure.

[BehindBlueEyes]

I have to say that part of me wants to just abort the whole thing right now. Maybe it's good enough to know I was invited by her and just take that instead of going the distance(having lunch with her on her work break)

 

Perhaps I should just show up, give her a hug and wish her well and say goodbye.

I'm getting quite nervous about doing lunch....feels weird and she is engaged.

 

Would totally be awkward if her fiancé showed up.....just my luck he would lol.

 

I'm thinking a hug and goodbye is good enough.

[BehindBlueEyes]

I decided to abort the whole thing and never even see her again.

This has been going on over and over in my mind all day and that shows me I have way to much emotion invested. I don't think it is fair to her, with my accepting her offer for a lunch date, to go through with it knowing I have these feelings for her and she doesn't know.

 

I decided it will hurt me worse if I do this.

 

I won't be on LS for a while..... I need some time to get over this.

 

Thanks and stay safe everyone.....Love's a bitch.

[2sure]

Don't abort. You need the social experience. Please go. I think you sound wonderful and you need these kinds of experiences under your belt.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Eric, don't chicken out and please go to this lunch.

[Art_Critic]

I decided to abort the whole thing and never even see her again.

This has been going on over and over in my mind all day and that shows me I have way to much emotion invested. I don't think it is fair to her, with my accepting her offer for a lunch date, to go through with it knowing I have these feelings for her and she doesn't know.

 

I decided it will hurt me worse if I do this.

 

I won't be on LS for a while..... I need some time to get over this.

 

Thanks and stay safe everyone.....Love's a bitch.

 

BBE, if you cannot go just as her friend then yeah, then maybe it would be best to not go. That being said, it would give you some social experience in being just a friend to someone...

She likes you as a friend and has never rejected you on that basis.

 

Chin up man... girls have cooties anyhow:)

[BehindBlueEyes]

BBE, if you cannot go just as her friend then yeah, then maybe it would be best to not go.

 

 

I just bought a new mini-mouse for my computer. I got the blue one that is about the same color of her truck.

[BehindBlueEyes]

It's official.... I'm not going to the lunch date to say goodbye to the girl.

In fact I am not even going to make any sort of advancement. In other words, I don't ever want to see her again. I'm not even going to the old store anymore.

 

It's over and I am moving on.

 

Thanks for all your input....thank you.

 

E

[BehindBlueEyes]

There are so many issues wrong with this scenario:

 

- people in customer service HAVE to be polite. This does NOT mean anything more than simple customer service. But men who don't have many positive interactions with women often mistakenly interpret friendliness as interest. It isn't. How can you know? Because if she REALLY wanted you she would ask for your number.

 

- pursuing any woman at work is BAD taste. They can't leave, they HAVE to be nice, its not professional, she could get in trouble for your loitering, it could make her co-workers gossip! Many women secretly resent being flirted with at work and are too kind to say anything because they font want to hurt someone's feelings. This is why not bothering someone at work is one of those many unwritten societal ettiquette rules. Men whom are too thick headed to get this are normally thrown in the "creeper" camp.

 

- you are too old for this girl. Wtf? I'm a year younger than you and would NEVER dream of going for someone fresh out of high school, we would have NOTHING in common...

 

- you have attachment issues. I see you talking about "hating" how people can just so easily walk out of your life.... This woman isn't IN your life. She's a worker at a local store. She gives good customer service, that doesn't mean shes your friend or even interested in being your acquaintance. People let go "easy" because they don't read more into an interaction than what is there...

 

Save your money and time.

 

I'm not saying any of this to be rude, I'm saying it because I think it needs to be said. I'm also personally vested in such a situation. As a woman I get older admirers trying to "be friends" too at my work. It's annoying and uncomfortable, and because I'm at work I have to endure it....

 

Totally off base....thanks...bye.

[BehindBlueEyes]

- people in customer service HAVE to be polite. This does NOT mean anything more than simple customer service. But men who don't have many positive interactions with women often mistakenly interpret friendliness as interest. It isn't. How can you know? Because if she REALLY wanted you she would ask for your number.

 

I get this a lot when I get into my situations. "OMG she waved to me....she is in love with me:rolleyes:" I never thought she wanted me, didn't care about that, she was a good friend and I was happy to be able to goof around with her. I did develop a crush...sew me, I'm human...sorry.

Even though I think I fell into lust I know I am not after to have her be "Mine"

 

- pursuing any woman at work is BAD taste. They can't leave, they HAVE to be nice, its not professional, she could get in trouble for your loitering, it could make her co-workers gossip! Many women secretly resent being flirted with at work and are too kind to say anything because they font want to hurt someone's feelings. This is why not bothering someone at work is one of those many unwritten societal ettiquette rules. Men whom are too thick headed to get this are normally thrown in the "creeper" camp.

 

I wasn't pursuing her I simply enjoyed goofing around with her at the store and she obviously liked doing it with me. Many a days she would come to me and tell me about a good prank to pull on her co-workers.

If I don't show for a while, she would come up to me in the store and ask what I have been up to. When she transferred out of the old store she told me "you better come visit me" meaning at the new store. Oh and...She recently invited me to go on a lunch date and to say goodbye this wednsday as her and her fiancé are moving out of state in a couple of weeks. So yes....sounds like I really creep her out.

 

- you are too old for this girl. Wtf? I'm a year younger than you and would NEVER dream of going for someone fresh out of high school, we would have NOTHING in common...

 

That girl is more mature than any 20 year olds I have met and we have a lot in common....we get along so well. but yes...I know I am too old...that is one reason this whole situation sucks so much.

 

- you have attachment issues. I see you talking about "hating" how people can just so easily walk out of your life.... This woman isn't IN your life. She's a worker at a local store. She gives good customer service, that doesn't mean shes your friend or even interested in being your acquaintance. People let go "easy" because they don't read more into an interaction than what is there...

 

She must of read into me a bit more than being "easy" As she invited me to a lunch date....just her and I driving to a local dinette(in her truck) I would assume and having lunch face to face. I don't mean read into me as in "I love this man" read into me more than just a customer of hers, but rather a pretty nice guy, who is shy and she likes as a friend. That is all.

 

I admit I have attachment issues though.

 

Save your money and time.

 

I already decided to do so. Not easy and if people think they know how this is for me, merely from these stupid forum post, they do not. it is taking all I have to resist the lunch date and any further interaction with her period. Remember SHE invited me to the lunch date...I never forced myself in that direction...it was HER idea and I swear to my grandma;s grave that is the truth.

 

People think I am a joke on here I get that, but they think this is some delusional story that I made up, bu tit is true and it hurts like a bastard....

I know she'll wonder if I am coming down to meet her.... She'll call the other girl to see if I am coming....ect ect..... I am not going and it is very hard to do this to someone that I really do care about.

 

Sorry I was a bit rude to you....I am trying to keep my wits about me, but it isn't easy for me to do. I am actually handling things better than usual though.

Edited February 4, 2013 by BehindBlueEyes

[MidwestUSA]

I just bought a new mini-mouse for my computer. I got the blue one that is about the same color of her truck.

 

This. This is a crush, infatuation, maybe even obsession. She's engaged, IIRC. Do whatever it takes to move on.