Buying a girl I hardly know, a valentines gift?

[melodymatters]

Eric, knowing your posting history, I actually think you're doing pretty darn good here ! You are showing a higher level of self awareness, and not being TOO overly defensive. I still have hope for you bub, I think there might be a lonely "Erica" up there in snowville, and if your paths cross, all it takes is one person to change your world.

 

Good luck buddy ! Keep up the good ( self) work !

 

Your friend,

MM

[normal person]

Personally, I have told customers to stop by and see me at a transfer store, I have made small talk when I seen them about town, etc. I'm usually just being polite and friendly. It doesn't reflect feelings for them outside of a desire to simply be nice to a fellow human being. Again, not saying this to piss on your parade, I actually think its a topic (friendliness emanating from customer service reps while at work) that should be addressed to MANY people because I hear so many rants about misinterpreting politeness for interest.

 

This and the rest of your post took the words out of my mouth. I've never worked in a store but this is how I'd definitely read it too. I'd assume "Come by and see me sometime" basically translates to "Yeah I'm switching to a new store, but I have enough decency not to say 'You're just a customer and I don't really ever think about you or really care either way if I ever see you again.'"

 

It almost sounds like you went to Hooters, the waitress called you "hun" and you're mistaking that for a genuine interaction. No, she just wants your tips. Your cashier has to be nice to you but has nothing to lose by telling you to come by her new store.

 

OP, I'm really trying hard not to sound mean, and maybe I'm entirely wrong, but to me it seems like this girl just feels bad for you. If it were me, I wouldn't want someone who was half my age and engaged taking me out on sympathy. If I was you, I wouldn't go to the lunch on that feeling alone, it'd be the only way I'd exit the situation with any dignity intact. Of course that is just my observation, like I said, I could be very wrong.

[BehindBlueEyes]

 

It almost sounds like you went to Hooters, the waitress called you "hun" and you're mistaking that for a genuine interaction. No, she just wants your tips. Your cashier has to be nice to you but has nothing to lose by telling you to come by her new store.

 

 

I encounter that every day and know the difference. I normally get called sweety, hun, darling at Arbys, gas stations ect ect and they are from some pretty nice looking babes. However I do not have any crush development on them at all and I see them almost every day, more so that I ever saw that girl. I have no feelings for them, even though they call me hun, single and I see them daily. In fact, one of the cute ones is cleaning tables right in front of me and said hello... I still have no feelings or some obsessive crush for her.

 

Now, the other girl I do.... It is very rare for me to fall for someone like this, even though most of the douche bags in the forum would jump on me like "oh you become an obsessive stalker when a girl even P/M's you or waves to you.":rolleyes: They don't know jack **** about me. It is very rare when I fall for someone and I meet tons of girls a day.

 

So no....She didn't merely call me sweety at the register and I became this obsessive, weird guy that is about to send 50 letters and get mad if she doesn't respond. I however am having difficulty with her leaving I did crush I like her a lot and I don't like many.... Now she is leaving, never ever going to see her again and it sucks balls. It was so fun to pull up on my bike, go in, have a water, shoot the **** and laugh around. It's just another chapter in life about to end and I hate it.

 

I'll get over it, but right now it is messing me up a bit.... it sucks.

[BehindBlueEyes]

Eric, knowing your posting history, I actually think you're doing pretty darn good here ! You are showing a higher level of self awareness, and not being TOO overly defensive. I still have hope for you bub, I think there might be a lonely "Erica" up there in snowville, and if your paths cross, all it takes is one person to change your world.

 

Good luck buddy ! Keep up the good ( self) work !

 

Your friend,

MM

 

 

I'm glad you wrote, MM...means a lot to me. Takes a special kind of person to see the truth behind all my BS cover ups:o and stupid antics. Glad you can see it.

 

I don't know how you do it, MM with the recent relationship pains you have endured. I don't think I could of lasted this long if people I care about like that have passed so sudden... You're tough and hope you are still happy. Would like to find that "Erica" So tired of dreaming. I know I am not the best looking chap, but I know I can be a good, faithful guy....I know it.

[BehindBlueEyes]

This. This is a crush, infatuation, maybe even obsession. She's engaged, IIRC. Do whatever it takes to move on.

 

 

I realize it now.

 

I thought it was just friends, but it is way more(in my mind)

I'm currently stressed over trying to resist the lunch date and never see her again....ever. I'm being pulled both ways and it can go either way. I could meet her, have fun and become closer of sorts, share a smile and a hug then say goodbye....or...... Stand her up and never go to the lunch date, breaking my emotions, probably make her wonder and/or feel bad.

I'm in a dilemma....I'd like to just show up, have a little fun and perhaps become email buddies, or completely hurt all of it, make her wonder and never show up. The benefit for me in not showing up is it will help me break my emotional bond. On the other hand I don't want to be thought of as this chicken **** ******* that stands her up on the lunch date like I don't care.

 

One last thing is....She complete surprised me with the lunch date thing.... I was talking to her on her ex co-workers phone, to say goodbye that way and I mentioned I'd drive over to see her before she goes. She said she'd like that and even gave me her work schedule. We agreed to meet on Wednesday at 11:30am. She then said she'll take an early break and we can go get a bite to eat. I was very surprised, happy, stoked, happy happy, but at the same time nervous and feeling worried it would intensify my feelings and make saying goodbye even harder.

 

That is why I am resisting it right now...I can't do it as just friends and it is not fair to her to go through with it.

 

It's over...... A few more days she'll be gone and I won't have to worry about it anymore.

[whichwayisup]

I decided to abort the whole thing and never even see her again.

This has been going on over and over in my mind all day and that shows me I have way to much emotion invested. I don't think it is fair to her, with my accepting her offer for a lunch date, to go through with it knowing I have these feelings for her and she doesn't know.

 

I decided it will hurt me worse if I do this.

 

I won't be on LS for a while..... I need some time to get over this.

 

Thanks and stay safe everyone.....Love's a bitch.

 

If you can't handle it, don't go. A few days before the lunch, let her know you're sick and meet up with her. Don't disappear and not say a word. It isn't about her Eric, its' about you. It's not fair to you to go and feel stuff that isn't going to go anywhere and it'll be painful - Focus on you and not her.

[whichwayisup]

Stand her up and never go to the lunch date, breaking my emotions, probably make her wonder and/or feel bad.

 

Why be rude and stand her up? Really, not a good way of handling this. As I just said in my previous reply, let her know a few days before that you are sick and unable to make the lunch, wish her well and leave it at that. This doesn't have to be dramatic nor an issue. But, not saying a word and standing her up is not right.

[BehindBlueEyes]

 

kind of weird to ask what people think and then get upset when they don't cheer lead for you... This kind of passive - aggressive behavior could be another reason why you have issues with women.

 

 

Up above you came out with the typical response towards people like me in that "She waved to me and therefore she loves me and now I am an obsessive stalker, showing up at her work, because....she loves me.

What do you really want me to do? Everything you posted in that first post was totally untrue about my situation. I can see why people come to that conclusion though, but being on a forum it is really hard to pin-point my exact feelings in writing... I just got tired of hearing the same thing over like I have countless times on this forum...it all comes down to "you're a obsessive person with attachment issues and take woman's friendly gestures way to seriously.

 

I met a girl I really like I crushed on her and I am depressed I'll never see this wonderful girl ever again in my entire, boring, lonely ass life.

 

and how many store workers invite their customers out on a goodbye lunch date? Our relationship was a little more than that(as friends) apparently. and it makes it extra tough to let go.

 

So sorry about being defensive about something that isn't true. I'm not going to be fake and pepper my responses and let untrue things be said, before it turns into another "burn the stalker" agenda on here.

[BehindBlueEyes]

If you can't handle it, don't go. A few days before the lunch, let her know you're sick and meet up with her. Don't disappear and not say a word. It isn't about her Eric, its' about you. It's not fair to you to go and feel stuff that isn't going to go anywhere and it'll be painful - Focus on you and not her.

 

 

I've been trying to figure out what I can do to not make it totally "Azzhole like" towards her. Being sick could work as an excuse, because just a few weeks ago she told me she was off work for a whole week because of the Flu. Plus I actually do feel sick and have a headache all over this BS. I have two more days to make a decision(her last day at work is Wednesday) and then she'll be gone forever.

 

I can show up and make a fun time of this or abort and deal with getting over my feelings. All in all I believe going to lunch with her will intensify my feelings and make it harder when I drive out of the parking lot, getting my last glances of her before she is gone.

 

I haven't seen her for over Two months since she left the old store . Before she left the old store she told me to come visit her and now invited me to the goodbye lunch.....yah....I think it was a good friendship in the making that is now breaking apart, not some delusional, made up, stalker minded fantasy.

 

I don't know.....it feels like after she is gone I'll yet again be the one on the outside in the cold, dark field, looking in at a warm person, their great life and I'll become another faded memory in the sewers of lonelyville.

[BehindBlueEyes]

I just had such good plans for the summer by riding my new bike to the new store to show her and say hello plus riding my motorized bicycle there on occasion. I really thought she'd be around for one more summer, but nope. It used to be so fun to have someone like that to just pop in and say hi too, once in a while....it was fun and she always got a kick how I would ride the bike into the store a bit before I jumped off lol...she just liked how I rode the bike all the time. We'd also play pranks on her co workers.

[whichwayisup]

You just need to learn not let yourself get too emotionally attached to the point it affects you this much. I mean one level it really should be no big deal - Go to lunch, enjoy, laugh and have a great time! Wish her well and say keep in touch and hope to see you if you visit this City again. And then leave it at that. Yes, feel some sadness that a friend is moving on, but be happy for them as they are doing something that makes them happy by moving and starting a new life somewhere else. But, you can't handle that and you're not at that place that you can be casual, yet still care about the person and not let it affect you as much as it does now. This takes time and practice, learning how to deal with feelings, pushing them away and not over thinking (fantasizing, wishing hoping etc) stuff. you'll get there one day. Don't worry.

[BehindBlueEyes]

You just need to learn not let yourself get too emotionally attached to the point it affects you this much. I mean one level it really should be no big deal - Go to lunch, enjoy, laugh and have a great time! Wish her well and say keep in touch and hope to see you if you visit this City again. And then leave it at that. Yes, feel some sadness that a friend is moving on, but be happy for them as they are doing something that makes them happy by moving and starting a new life somewhere else. But, you can't handle that and you're not at that place that you can be casual, yet still care about the person and not let it affect you as much as it does now. This takes time and practice, learning how to deal with feelings, pushing them away and not over thinking (fantasizing, wishing hoping etc) stuff. you'll get there one day. Don't worry.

 

This is all so true, thanks.

 

I decided I cannot go and have lunch with her, but do want to wish her well as a friend. I have come up with a middle. I decided I'll drive down and see her tomorrow, give a hug, wish her well. I also plan to give her a going away gift(not intimate or strong) but rather funny and practical:laugh: Her and I are both pranksters and we like to laugh so I decided to get one last prank in before she leaves.

 

She has to do some painting in the apartment down there I heard from her co worker, so I went and got her some basic painting supplies:laugh: A corner edger, drop sheeting, can opener, edger refills and a roll of painters tape. I guess they have a new apartment ready, but she wants to paint it. So I'll stuff all that in a box with that pop-corn packing stuff and hidden within will be a movie pass and a hidden rubber snake:laugh::laugh: hahahha. I also will include the link to my web blog so she can write me if she wants.

 

I also got some wrapping paper with dollar bill motif on it. She is going to work at a bank down there so I thought "perfect":cool:

 

Anyways, being engaged, an infant son and all that....I'm skipping having lunch with her face to face(I can't go that far) and just giving her a funny gift a hug and say goodbye.

 

At least she probably won't forget me after she opens the gift:D....

 

and I'll be happy to let her go.

 

*************

Thanks everyone.....tomorrow I put an end to this saga.

[BetheButterfly]

When we are young Valentines day is about friendship, when we are older giving a Valentine is more than friendship... many times it's giving one to the person you love or want to have more with.

 

She is engaged, taken and not your Valentine.

 

Don't give her anything E, if anything find someone closer to you that cares about you and your friendship to give a Valentine to.

 

Agreed.

 

I think it could make her uncomfortable.

[BetheButterfly]

This is all so true, thanks.

 

I decided I cannot go and have lunch with her, but do want to wish her well as a friend. I have come up with a middle. I decided I'll drive down and see her tomorrow, give a hug, wish her well. I also plan to give her a going away gift(not intimate or strong) but rather funny and practical:laugh: Her and I are both pranksters and we like to laugh so I decided to get one last prank in before she leaves.

 

She has to do some painting in the apartment down there I heard from her co worker, so I went and got her some basic painting supplies:laugh: A corner edger, drop sheeting, can opener, edger refills and a roll of painters tape. I guess they have a new apartment ready, but she wants to paint it. So I'll stuff all that in a box with that pop-corn packing stuff and hidden within will be a movie pass and a hidden rubber snake:laugh::laugh: hahahha. I also will include the link to my web blog so she can write me if she wants.

 

I also got some wrapping paper with dollar bill motif on it. She is going to work at a bank down there so I thought "perfect":cool:

 

Anyways, being engaged, an infant son and all that....I'm skipping having lunch with her face to face(I can't go that far) and just giving her a funny gift a hug and say goodbye.

 

At least she probably won't forget me after she opens the gift:D....

 

and I'll be happy to let her go.

 

*************

Thanks everyone.....tomorrow I put an end to this saga.

 

I think giving her a going away present of art supplies is fine to do tomorrow, though not on Valentine's Day.

 

I very much hope you find a lovely lady who will love you and who you love. You sound like a very generous person and you need someone who is generous to you too. Giving is most beautiful when people give to each other.

 

Blessings and remember: you are friends, not lovers.

 

Again, I hope you find a wonderful lady to be your love soon.

[BehindBlueEyes]

Agreed.

 

I think it could make her uncomfortable.

 

 

It's an awful funny thing that at Wal-Mart I saw like 15 different Valentines cards marked as "For a friend"

 

However I decided not to do that even though she is the type of person who would think it was cool and funny and not take it as "OMG he wants my panties"

 

That is part of why she is so awesome.

[BehindBlueEyes]

I think giving her a going away present of art supplies is fine to do tomorrow, though not on Valentine's Day.

 

 

It's house painting supplies, not art. Also a movie pass and rubber snake prank....included:laugh:

[BehindBlueEyes]

Still nervous, because she'll think I am all for the lunch part of this and I am not. She may even mention it first thing like "I'm on break, let's go get a bite" and I'll be like "Nah....I'm not hungry" LOL....

 

I can't do the lunch....it's just too much too handle.

[BetheButterfly]

Still nervous, because she'll think I am all for the lunch part of this and I am not. She may even mention it first thing like "I'm on break, let's go get a bite" and I'll be like "Nah....I'm not hungry" LOL....

 

I can't do the lunch....it's just too much too handle.

 

Don't be nervous!!! Remember, she's a friend who you enjoy talking with and I think that's great! Just be your kind and caring self and remember that your relationship with her is based on friendship, not on anything sexual.

 

You don't need to be nervous with true friends, because a true friend cares about the other and is wanting you to be well. True friends don't insult or bring one down on purpose. I don't think she will try to hurt you in any way. Just remember to emphasize that you are her friend and that you would like to give the gifts as a going-away present.

[normal person]

It's an awful funny thing that at Wal-Mart I saw like 15 different Valentines cards marked as "For a friend"

 

However I decided not to do that even though she is the type of person who would think it was cool and funny and not take it as "OMG he wants my panties"

 

 

Of course you can't resist this girl, she affirms and reinforces the lie that you tell her and gives you every reason to stay on your track. You say you'd be relieved to give her a card from a friend and have her be cool and funny with it and not think you "want her panties." Wow, what a perfect scenario for you considering you AREN'T her friend -- you're lying to her -- and you DO in fact "want her panties." It's not funny and cool, it's deceptive and yes, creepy. You're using her giving you the benefit of the doubt and her decency against her to prove the exact opposite of what you tell her.

 

Do you get that? If it was as simple as her really just being a friend, you'd just get her a card that said "for a friend" and give it to her. You wouldn't start a thread on the internet a month in advance obsessing about her and agonizing over whether or not it's appropriate. Inside you know it's inappropriate because this girl is engaged with a kid and half your age and you're infatuated with her on a romantic level, not a platonic one. You just can't live without her noticing you in some way so you have to do something about it. You concoct this ruse of "friendship" as your method.

 

Whether you end up doing it or not, the point is that you can't lie to yourself or another person about this, it's only going to cause problems down the road. You only call yourself "a friend" because you can't be anything more than that. When you grow tired of that role, something will come up and the whole image will be skewed. And if she considers it a friendship, that's really not fair, you're just lying. I'm not just talking about this girl, I'm talking about in the future too, you can't do this.

Edited February 5, 2013 by normal person

[BehindBlueEyes]

You concoct this ruse of "friendship" as your method.

 

 

Yepp and when she falls for this and becomes my closer "friend" then begins my stalking activities, you know, find her new place of employment, send her flowers, stand outside with a big T-shirt that says I LOVE YOU, email her and ask why she is not responding, tell her that she loves me and we can have a life together...blah.....

 

Oh it's going to be awesome...I am sooooo in love.

 

 

and don't come on here and say "OMG why so defensive" Well I am because you got it totally off track, sir and I'm not taking this "Oh your an obsessive stalker" BS anymore....I'm sick of jack-offs thinking they know everything about my actions, with stupid text book reasoning.

 

I crushed on her I may have developed some lust, but down deep she is just a friend, a good friend in the development, cut short because she is making anew life in a new state and I'll never see her again and it does hurt...a lot. I really could of been her friend as friends and go tover my lust or whatever...I know I could. But it doesn't matter now.

 

Good for you and others who are so great and proper that they would NEVER get into these situations and let people go so easily....good for you! Wish I could do the same! I really wish I could!

Edited February 5, 2013 by BehindBlueEyes

[normal person]

Yepp and when she falls for this and becomes my closer "friend" then begins my stalking activities, you know, find her new place of employment, send her flowers, stand outside with a big T-shirt that says I LOVE YOU, email her and ask why she is not responding, tell her that she loves me and we can have a life together...blah.....

 

Oh it's going to be awesome...I am sooooo in love.

 

I crushed on her I may have developed some lust, but down deep she is just a friend, a good friend in the development, cut short because she is making anew life in a new state and I'll never see her again and it does hurt...a lot. I really could of been her friend as friends and go tover my lust or whatever...I know I could. But it doesn't matter now.

 

Good for you and others who are so great and proper that they would NEVER get into these situations and let people go so easily....good for you! Wish I could do the same! I really wish I could!

 

I never said you were a stalker, I know you're not. I said you were a liar. If you would be relieved that she'd get a card from you and accept it as a friendly gesture when in fact you've admitted that you lust after this girl, something's up. She's just your "friend" by default because you can't make her anything more than that. How many times have we seen guys act as "friends" when they're secretly in love with a girl only to become frustrated with the lack of appreciation they get and then direct their misguided resentment back on the girl? A lot. I'm not saying it's going to be a problem this time, you've made it clear that she's moving away so it's unlikely this scenario plays out. But I'm trying to show you the real processes taking place here so it they don't repeat themselves.

[BehindBlueEyes]

I never said you were a stalker, I know you're not. I said you were a liar. If you would be relieved that she'd get a card from you and accept it as a friendly gesture when in fact you've admitted that you lust after this girl, something's up. She's just your "friend" by default because you can't make her anything more than that. How many times have we seen guys act as "friends" when they're secretly in love with a girl only to become frustrated with the lack of appreciation they get and then direct their misguided resentment back on the girl? A lot. I'm not saying it's going to be a problem this time, you've made it clear that she's moving away so it's unlikely this scenario plays out. But I'm trying to show you the real processes taking place here so it they don't repeat themselves.

 

 

Hell with it then..I am so tired of it all I don't even care anymore.

 

I'm taking everything back, everything, go home and sleep.

Just another chapter in my pathetic life, closed.

[BehindBlueEyes]

I'm not going and it is final.... thanks for all the help, everyone.

 

Requesting thread to be closed, thanks.