Caught Boyfriend Cyber Cheating, He Fessed up, but....

[SleeplessinNY]

I noticed my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years being protective of his cell phone and I had a gut instinct to check it. Found a sexually explicit message from a woman, then found a link to a hidden e-mail account. Turns out he had been replying (Not posting) to Craigslist ads for MLIF's, and Transexuals. He also had an account on a dating website called Ashely Madison which hooks up married people to have affairs. He had sent nude photos of himself to various men and she-males.

 

I went through his browser history and he was also looking up pictures of trannies, websites like chickswithdicks.

 

I carefully read through his e-mails and it doesn't appear that he met anyone in person, e-mails went back for two months. He would go back and forth then stopped responding. Same on Ashely Madison. No numbers or places and times were exchanged.

 

I confronted him about it, he confessed to everything and seemed to be honest. He claims that he had originally signed up for Ashely Madison after his ex asked for a divorce. He said that he felt single women did not want to date "separated" men. He kind of got hooked on the site, ended up meeting a woman and they had a sexual relationship for a few months. Then he broke it off, went onto Match.com (at this point he was divorced) met me.

 

The woman who texted him the sexually explicit message was this woman, he claims that she continued to contact him after they split hoping he wanted to restart their thing. He admitted he enjoyed the fact that she still wanted him, he sometimes would flirt back although he never met her again.

 

I called her and she confirmed what he said, she said he had not seen her in over two years. She seemed to still be crazy over him and I believe his story that is the one who has been running after him. Very sad that she doesn't feel the same for her husband.

 

He said that for him, contacting people online and the risqueness of it got him off, that he doesn't look at regular porn, magazines, nor flirts with anyone in person. For the most part this is true, he does not look at mags or watches porn (which I found odd) although he had told me earlier in our relationship that he looked up porn on the internet.

 

He also admitted that this had been going on though well before he met me. The Craigslist stuff ect. He said he never physically cheated on me, nor had the intention of meeting anyone.

 

Up until this point we have had a good relationship, I realize this sounds nuts, but I'm thinking of giving him a second chance.

 

Any advice?

[SleeplessinNY]

oh, I did look it up, men who are into she-males are not gay or even bi. Transexual porn is marketed to straight me. It's more of a weird fetish.

 

My boyfriend said that he could never tell me about this as he felt ashamed.

[Toddbt12y1]

Ah OK on your one post about transsexuals.

 

First, it's still disturbing and cheating in a way. I'd leave him upon finding this out. I'd image the girl would back him up...

 

This sounds disturbing to me. I'd seriously bail. Though I doubt you will.

 

A transsexual is still not a woman...never can I agree to that - thus is well gay but that's my opinion.

[SleeplessinNY]

Well, he did not know I called her, and I didn't feed her information. I asked her questions such as when she met him, what website, how long did it last,when did they last see each other ect?

 

She did say that he finally said he could no longer keep contact, that he was sorry if he hurt her.

 

I'm going to be honest, I don't see when he could have been seeing her, he has a regular tight work schedule. Goes straight home after and rarely goes out. He has never made excuses such as working late, going out with the guys, that sort of thing. If he was seeing her or others I'm not sure when. I also have shown up at his place without telling him.

[Toddbt12y1]

Well, he did not know I called her, and I didn't feed her information. I asked her questions such as when she met him, what website, how long did it last,when did they last see each other ect?

 

She did say that he finally said he could no longer keep contact, that he was sorry if he hurt her.

 

I'm going to be honest, I don't see when he could have been seeing her, he has a regular tight work schedule. Goes straight home after and rarely goes out. He has never made excuses such as working late, going out with the guys, that sort of thing. If he was seeing her or others I'm not sure when. I also have shown up at his place without telling him.

 

OK. I understand. Least he stopped contact...

 

Still the dating/weird sexual stuff is odd...but I've no complaints if you don't.

[Bito]

He seems to have nothing to hide.

 

If you can look past his strange fedish then buy a strap on and keep going!

[ChessPieceFace]

Weird situation OP. If nothing physical happened, it isn't "cheating" by my definition (and I have zero tolerance for actual cheating.) The good part is, since he didn't do anything physical, it shows he cares enough about your relationship to not actually cheat. OTOH, he's absorbed in a secret fetish which involves "cybering" with other people. That's not healthy.

 

Honestly I never really understood "cybering" so I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the implications here. I use porn a lot but am not in a relationship, and am of the opinion that continuing solo porn usage would be damaging to a relationship while in it.

 

If it were simply a secret tranny porn fetish I'd say - it's not healthy to secretly use porn in a relationship, but guys are extremely attracted to porn and it's understandable that a guy might slip and use it, or have an addiction to it. My prescription then would be probably couples therapy or self-help to address the pornography addiction which is threatening the intimacy of your REAL relationship.

 

Since it "virtually" involves other people it's more complicated. My feeling is that again, since he didn't really cheat it shows he cares about the relationship, he's just been too weak to stop the cybering / porn addiction. I'd say he needs serious help and has to understand that this is an addiction that is threatening his real relationship with you. And that that is NOT a statement coming from a prude.

 

I'm not a therapist so I could only guess at the methods that could be used to break this addiction. If he's willing to work with you at trying to break it, and you're willing to stick with him, I would give it a shot.

 

As for the "your BF is gay / bi" nonsense above, ignore it. Fantasy isn't reality. People fantasize about lots of things they wouldn't do IRL.