What weight do you give to # of former sex partners?

[DazedConfusedEtc]

I've had a lot of conversations about this lately and am curious about your opinions on this.

 

When making dating decisions, how much does someone's sexual past matter to you -- number of partners, one night stands, if they've done wild things or experimental things?

 

I know there are people that for religious reasons think the less, the better, or that it's best to wait until marriage.

 

It seems that many men prefer a woman with as little experience as possible. There's more of a stigma on this issue for a woman. At 30 years old, I've had around 25 partners, tbh I don't know exactly as I haven't been counting. Several were boyfriends, several fwb's, some one night stands, some very casual but more than once, and some men I dated for a month or two and it just didn't work out. 3 of my serious relationships started as sex only out of a total of 6. I don't feel stigmatized because of my past but other than my current bf I dont think ive shared much with previous bf's.

 

As far as a man's past, I don't know what to think. My guy friends say that a guy who has had a lot of partners and had a crazy period is the best, he knows what's out there and can feel at peace with the choice to be with one person. However, sometimes having a ton of partners can be a symptom of something else, that someone is trying to fill a hole with sex or that they are incapable of more. In my experience the worst is a guy who has had a lot of short relationships, worse than the former manwhores. I had an ex that just couldn't hold a relationship because he has no idea what he wanted from life and was just crazy. He did a lot of wild things too, not once but many times.

 

I wouldnt want to date with a guy who had too few partners, or someone who had recently divorced and never sown his wild oats. My current bf married young as a virgin, and when the marriage failed he had a period that he went totally out of control, he thought by going out and having a TON of sex instead of being in one extreme or the other he'd end up in the middle and be able to feel whole about getting married again. I know of a few cases of friends who dated guys who had very few sexual partners and ended up getting cheated on, actually more than cases of women who dated men who had a lot of sex partners and got cheated on.

 

I think there's a difference between something who's done something crazy sex-wise once as an experiment or an attempt to do something really crazy that they have never done before, and would never do it again, to someone who does it multiple times and likes it. Say group sex or something or the like. I wouldn't date a guy who went to hookers, I have when I was younger but with the knowledge he was temporary and just for fun. I'm really against looking at women as property, not something I can excuse.

 

I wouldn't date a guy who was "bi" or had sexual experiences with a man, it's a huge red flag for me, I think men like that are gay with very very few exceptions. We have family friends that were married for 30 years when the husband was caught giving a BJ to another man at the gym, they divorced and he went off to be with his male partner. They were married that long and living a total lie, and it took her a long time to get over the public humiliation.

 

What do you guy think? How much does someone's past matter/say something about how fit they are as a partner?

[TaraMaiden]

I'm sorry to say you'll get a mixed bag of responses here, and actually, they're not gender specific.

 

A lot of people are prejudiced against a woman who has had, in their eyes, a disproportionate number of sexual partners, in relation to her age.

It still seems to be more acceptable for men to play the field than it is for women, although some people - occasionally, men included - still consider it to be slutty of a man to sow his wild oats liberally.

My own personal opinion is that your number (estimated, by your own account) is quite high.

But then, I'm only using my experience as that yardstick, because at 55, I've only ever had 6 sexual partners, and all those relationships were long-term or intended to be. So there is no judgement there, only a perception.

 

Other people may have different opinions.

You know yourself best. You know how you feel about your "Tally".

In the end, it's you who has to live with you, and other peoples' opinions really shouldn't count.

[DazedConfusedEtc]

^^ You seem to have misunderstood me, I have no concerns about my number:) I feel whole with my experiences and I've never cheated and never will. I did what I needed to go through to grow up.

 

The ironic thing is that my bf's past does concern me -- his number is double what mine is (i think it's more than he says). He racked this # up over 3 or 4 years. I did a little survey of my friends and family about this issue as a result, and after a lot of discussions with him I feel whole with where he is, too.

 

It just made me curious how other people see this. Not about ME, i didnt come here to be judged, just in general. I'm always curious about other people's points of view on love and relationships, it's what drew me to this place after all.

[TaraMaiden]

Oh right, OK.

Sorry if I got the wrong end of the stick.

 

My last comment though, still stands - you and yours should be all that matter.

I actually have no opinion one way or the other save for the person's individual contentment.

If you're happy, that's all that needs to be said.

 

[animalover]

Hello OP,

 

I am a man (27 years old) and for me the number of partners and the approach to sex of a woman in her past is a decisive parameter when I decide to go into a relationship with a woman or not!

I totally respect people who see this in a different manner than me... for what you have written you have a boyfriend with the same sexual values as you have and that is a good match! When I look for a girlfriend I also look for a woman with the same sexual values than me.

 

And finally, I don't think men just for being men get to have the right to full around and judge women for doing the same!

[in_absentia]

The only reason I would be interested in number of partners before sleeping with somebody is in determining how meaningful sex is to them.

 

I wouldn't wanna sleep with a guy who had only slept with three long term girlfriends, if I wasn't sure I wanted to be with him, as this could indicate sex is really meaningful for them.

 

I don't care, otherwise. I've had boyfriends with 4 partners, and a boyfriend with almost a hundred. It doesn't make a difference to me. I'm 24 and have slept with 13 people (so, around 2 a year since I've been sexually active) and if a guy was closed minded enough to be bothered by that, it's a great indicator that we're not a good fit for each other.

 

I'd also prefer that they'd done wild stuff (I'm into experimenting too!), though if they haven't it's not a problem; if we got together it's something we could explore as a couple.

[DazedConfusedEtc]

Thank you for your replies!

 

In_absentia, when you dated the guy with almost 100 partners, were you looking for monogamy? Something serious? If so did it give you pause about his values at all?

[in_absentia]

Thank you for your replies!

 

In_absentia, when you dated the guy with almost 100 partners, were you looking for monogamy? Something serious? If so did it give you pause about his values at all?

 

Yeah we were friends for a year or two, then **** buddies (I wasn't after anything more than that as he was going away into the Navy) and then he pursued me into a relationship, which I happily went for after a few months of sleeping together as friends.

 

We were together two years, co-habited and had a fantastic and (as far as I'm aware) faithful relationship. He did break up with me out of the blue last September, but (again, as far as I'm aware) that wasn't to do with sex, we had a lot of other extraneous factors putting pressure on us as a couple.

 

His values were similar to mine really; sex is just sex. I've had the BEST sex of my life since the split, with people I wasn't in love with or seeing exclusively. It can be more special with someone you're in love with but in general it's just one of those things, I can (and do) easily separate it from feelings. This may also be because I'm still recovering from being broken up with and so keep my guard up, who knows? Maybe it's just because it's easy to sleep with people and have a great time when there are no feelings there and no risk of feelings.

[veggirl]

I don't know, cause I don't ask.

 

How early on do you ask for their partner count? And why? I mean...wouldn't not asking just be easier than "oh crap he has had sex with too few people, gotta dump him now" ?

[GSB81]

I am 36 but I think exactly as you! Women who look at sex like some kind of sport.... would never get a chance with me!

 

 

 

I think this will be my new favorite approach to the issue. In the past I've not really cared about past sexual experiences as long as they stayed in the past, but when doing relationship autopsies, I've connected dots that lead me to believe I should take a closer assessment of the next girl I get involved with's sexual history.

[AbeNormal]

The only reason I would be interested in number of partners before sleeping with somebody is in determining how meaningful sex is to them.

 

I wouldn't wanna sleep with a guy who had only slept with three long term girlfriends, if I wasn't sure I wanted to be with him, as this could indicate sex is really meaningful for them.

 

I don't care, otherwise. I've had boyfriends with 4 partners, and a boyfriend with almost a hundred. It doesn't make a difference to me. I'm 24 and have slept with 13 people (so, around 2 a year since I've been sexually active) and if a guy was closed minded enough to be bothered by that, it's a great indicator that we're not a good fit for each other.

 

I'd also prefer that they'd done wild stuff (I'm into experimenting too!), though if they haven't it's not a problem; if we got together it's something we could explore as a couple.

 

Yep. Stay away from those guys that think sex is really meaningful - and that are looking for deep relationships. Waste of time.

[Mallow]

I have a low number of sexual partners. I have dated men with higher numbers, and it has not changed my opinion of them.

 

The past is the past, how they are now is what matters. A persons values is far more important to me. Are they seeking monogamy? Are they done playing the field?

[Chs]

I don't ask, and then i never worry.

[in_absentia]

Yep. Stay away from those guys that think sex is really meaningful - and that are looking for deep relationships. Waste of time.

 

There's nothing wrong with that, when I'm looking for a deep relationship. But when I'm just looking to see how things go I wouldn't bring sex into the mix early when dating somebody who treated sex really seriously; nor would I be happy in a **** buddy kind of set up, unless they were explicity in being happy with that.

[pbjbear]

Maybe its just me but I hate it when guys ask me early on how many guys I have slept with...huge turn off.

 

I have a low number and most guys make alot of judgments after I tell them, most of which are hypocritical

[veggirl]

Maybe its just me but I hate it when guys ask me early on how many guys I have slept with...huge turn off.

 

I have a low number and most guys make alot of judgments after I tell them, most of which are hypocritical

 

How old are you or these guys? I am 29 and I haven't been asked my # since I was like 22. No adults I know ask that question, seems like a college kid type of thing to wanna know.

[melodymatters]

I posted on your other thread, and I realize this is a very pertinent topic for you.

 

It's also such a CONFUSING one you poor dear

 

For example I had a long term ex who was a musician who traveled the world with rock bands. He fully admitted that after being a chubby, unpopular teen, he got ripped, mastered the guitar and b*anged as many chicks as he could for about 10 yrs.

 

When we met, he was 35 and looking for something serious. He was an extremely blunt person, and I believe that he had sowed his "wild oats" ( what a dumb term BTW) and that he had no desire to, nor did he ever cheat on me.

 

I worry MORE about my H who is younger and only had 5 partners. BUT is that also because I love him more ? So that the thought of the ex banging 100 strippers, was " meh", but the idea of MY precious husband getting freaky with the two fat ugly chicks I know about, bothers me much more. And yes, like in your other thread, no clue why the uglier the girl the more upsetting, perhaps it's because we feel like if they'd f*ck a farm animal, than maybe they have very low standards and therefore WE aren't as valuable ?

 

Just food for thought. Good luck and glad you're still here posting !

[pbjbear]

Yep. Stay away from those guys that think sex is really meaningful - and that are looking for deep relationships. Waste of time.

 

Hell no. Thats what Im looking for. Sick and tired of these shallow selfish men that view women primarily as sex objects, and then later as a human being.

 

I have never met a manwhore that settled down and became a good boyfriend. Ive met several that thought they found the perfect girl and it was good for awhile, but in the long run their past of casual sex came up and they desired it again...all the married men I know that were manwhores in their 20's are happily married yet they say they miss the thrill of casual sex. Yuck. However, I know there are always exceptions.

 

When I date I dont ask. Because if I really like a guy and find out hes had a **** ton of casual sex I get turned off real fast. This happened to me last year...I found out and I felt myself detaching...sorry but it is a compatibility issue for me...

Edited January 28, 2013 by pbjbear

[loversquarrel]

Hell no. Thats what Im looking for. Sick and tired of these shallow selfish men that view women primarily as sex objects, and then later as a human being.

 

I have never met a manwhore that settled down and became a good boyfriend. Ive met several that thought they found the perfect girl and it was good for awhile, but in the long run their past of casual sex came up and they desired it again...all the married men I know that were manwhores in their 20's are happily married yet they say they miss the thrill of casual sex. Yuck. However, I know there are always exceptions.

 

When I date I dont ask. Because if I really like a guy and find out hes had a **** ton of casual sex I get turned off real fast. This happened to me last year...I found out and I felt myself detaching...sorry but it is a compatibility

issue for me...

 

I agree. It's important to have shared values with someone, I learned that the hard way. Every woman I ended up in a relationship with that had quite a few partners did not end up good for me in the long run. There was a common denominator with these women, and it always turned out to be heavy emotional baggage.

[loversquarrel]

How old are you or these guys? I am 29 and I haven't been asked my # since I was like 22. No adults I know ask that question, seems like a college kid type of thing to wanna know.

 

I agree. The only person I asked this of was my high school GF. I never did again, I thought what was the point? Usually I'm the one that gets asked this, and its awkward.

[DazedConfusedEtc]

Hell no. Thats what Im looking for. Sick and tired of these shallow selfish men that view women primarily as sex objects, and then later as a human being.

 

I have never met a manwhore that settled down and became a good boyfriend. Ive met several that thought they found the perfect girl and it was good for awhile, but in the long run their past of casual sex came up and they desired it again...all the married men I know that were manwhores in their 20's are happily married yet they say they miss the thrill of casual sex. Yuck. However, I know there are always exceptions.

 

When I date I dont ask. Because if I really like a guy and find out hes had a **** ton of casual sex I get turned off real fast. This happened to me last year...I found out and I felt myself detaching...sorry but it is a compatibility issue for me...

 

That's interesting -- I know quite a few manwhores who have settled down. The sad thing is I had a couple of friends that met girls they were really serious about and in the end the girl cheated on them.

 

Melodymatters, I completely agree, when you love someone so much and see a shared future with them, the stakes are much higher. And don't worry, a little bit of ridiculous, hysterical advice can't scare me off

[Lani]

I can't see how it really matters to anyone how many people someone slept with before you.

I've got quite a sexually promiscuous past, but I'd like to think that doesn't count in future relationships. I have been in a couple of LTR's, and been faithful easily each time. I've had a lot of partners because I like sex, not because I'm slutty. When I have a partner, I can have a lot of sex with them, so I'm satisfied.

I would never ask someone how many people they have slept with. I think it's a big invasion of privacy, and completely irrelevant to a relationship.

[Lani]

I never ask, so I'll never know.

 

 

Exactly.

There is no need to know. Especially if it's something that would potentially upset you!

[silvermercy]

I can't see how it really matters to anyone how many people someone slept with before you.

I've had a lot of partners because I like sex, not because I'm slutty. When I have a partner, I can have a lot of sex with them, so I'm satisfied.

So what about all those people who have a very high sex drive and really like sex? How do those people manage and don't sleep around when they're not in relationships? There are many actually. (Unless you're implying that all or most non-promiscuous people have low libidos and don't really like sex, which is fundamentally wrong as a statement).

 

I would never ask someone how many people they have slept with. I think it's a big invasion of privacy, and completely irrelevant to a relationship.

Sure you may think that, and it's your right not to answer, but I also have the right to walk away if I don't get that answer. That's because I want a compatible partner, with compatible sex values, and compatible views on sex when it comes to raising kids later. So this question is very important to me as a determinant. It serves as an indicator of future behaviour so I can minimise the risks (not eliminate them unfortunately). If a man doesn't answer me truthfully I'm being denied an important decision process in finding a compatible partner. So, yes, it's very relevant to the relationship. I don't see it as an invasion of privacy (you have the right not to answer it after all) but as a compatibility issue.

 

Just like other posters here, I have never met a person with a wild past who didn't miss casual sex at some point (10, 20+ years later). Sure there are exceptions but I have never met them.

Edited January 29, 2013 by silvermercy

[todreaminblue]

To me it doesnt matter how many partners a guy has had, what matters for is what he is looking for now.....his past doesnt determine me dating him......As far as i go, it will be guys who have a problem with my past and if they do , i prefer to deal with it early on so if they want to walk they can walk.....i dont need any more judgment i am my own worst critic...the fact does remain however for fifteen years i was faithful...that should count....but it most likely wont with many men..deb