WinterBoy Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 Hi. Been married 9 years. Wife started asking for divorce 2 years ago. Said she's going to see a lawyer. I don't know if she has or not yet. We live in NJ. Don't know if that matters, but threw it out there just in case someone has a legal comment. Wife wants a divorce simply because "she's not in love with me anymore." No affairs, no fighting, did counseling in the past with some success but she doesn't want to try it again. Says although we once were, we're not compatible anymore. We have 2 kids girl (8yrs old, 3rd grade), boy (will be 4 in July). She wants to tell the kids that we both came to this decision. I'm unsure about that because I love her and my family and would do everything and anything to save it and I would never want a divorce. What's the best thing to do? I think the kids deserve honesty... BTW, they are very bright and perceptive kids, although they really have no clue what's about to hit them. We're a very close family. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WinterBoy Posted January 28, 2013 Author Share Posted January 28, 2013 A little help here anyone? Sorry. Awfully confused and hurt here Link to post Share on other sites
Mint Sauce Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 is she still living with you? I'd say the first step is for her to move out of the family home. Usually that happens before a possible divorce is in order... At that point the kids will see the dynamic anyway, regardless of what is being said. PS: really sorry for the pain you're in. Plenty of experienced people on here will soon chip in with advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WinterBoy Posted January 28, 2013 Author Share Posted January 28, 2013 Thanks! Yeah still living there. Neither can afford to move out now and neither one of us wants to leave the kids yet. Oh. And just found out she filed so I will be getting representation today, I guess. Ugh! Link to post Share on other sites
Act Two Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 That's a tough one! I"m really sorry you are going through this. I would not move out if I were you. I would also be inclined not to lie to the kids. All of the books and experts say you tell the kids together, and to be somewhat on the same page if possible, but what she wants you to say is just not true. I don't think I would do that since you are willing to work on the marriage and she is not. She might just have to suck that up and explain that to the kids without going into all of the details of why she is unhappy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WinterBoy Posted January 28, 2013 Author Share Posted January 28, 2013 That's a tough one! I"m really sorry you are going through this. I would not move out if I were you. I would also be inclined not to lie to the kids. All of the books and experts say you tell the kids together, and to be somewhat on the same page if possible, but what she wants you to say is just not true. I don't think I would do that since you are willing to work on the marriage and she is not. She might just have to suck that up and explain that to the kids without going into all of the details of why she is unhappy. Yes. Obviously I agree about telling them the truth, without bashing her. That's one of the consequences she must face in my humble opinion. Does anyone think otherwise? Should I say what "my wife wants me to?" Or just dance around and not talk about who wanted to do what (although I feel like that is dishonest too even though it's not directly lying. The intention is the same.) I'm open to listening to both sides. By the way, I definitely won't move out. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 Yes. Obviously I agree about telling them the truth, without bashing her. That's one of the consequences she must face in my humble opinion. Set aside your pain and anger and do what is best for the kids - otherwise you're just using them to hurt your stbxw - don't be such a shyt. I wouldn't tell them anything aside from you each love them both, it had nothing to do with them and mommy and daddy will not be living together. When they are older, at least in their teens, and IF they ask, talk more on it. I would seek advice from therapy before telling - and you and your stbxw both attend and both agree on what is to be said. By the way, I definitely won't move out. That's great as she has a built in babysitter when she goes out on a date. The reverse is also true. Try not to get too upset if she doesn't come home after wards though... SOMEONE NEEDS to move out. It'll likely be YOU. OR do you want to drag the kids away from their familial home...to make some kind of vain point? Link to post Share on other sites
Ladybugz Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 Have contact with a therapist. They may help you 2 how to deal with the kids about it. And maybe she should tell the kids first. Like to show that its her story. AND YOU can fill her in with necessary words. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladybugz Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 I agree , lying is wrong. But you also need to know how much and how to bring it to kids. Cause they have a tiny heart that can eazily break or feel gilty. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WinterBoy Posted January 28, 2013 Author Share Posted January 28, 2013 Set aside your pain and anger and do what is best for the kids - otherwise you're just using them to hurt your stbxw - don't be such a shyt. I wouldn't tell them anything aside from you each love them both, it had nothing to do with them and mommy and daddy will not be living together. When they are older, at least in their teens, and IF they ask, talk more on it. I would seek advice from therapy before telling - and you and your stbxw both attend and both agree on what is to be said. That's great as she has a built in babysitter when she goes out on a date. The reverse is also true. Try not to get too upset if she doesn't come home after wards though... SOMEONE NEEDS to move out. It'll likely be YOU. OR do you want to drag the kids away from their familial home...to make some kind of vain point? Hey! Thanks for the response. Both me and my stbx both want to do what is best for the kids. Some just feel honesty is and others feel that creating a more easy reality is. I simply just said the way I felt, about honesty. But that is why I posed the question here. To get many viewpoints. Thanks 4 callin me a "shyt!" Regarding the home, right now the mortgage is just a bit more than we both can afford together so unless it is sold neither one of us can afford a place of our own. That is a financial mistake that is on both of us. We'll live and learn from it. We manage to slide by every month though. Thank god for that. We are very cordial around each other and still plan family and do things as a family for now. We don't fight until after the kids go to bed and the fighting is actually respectful arguing with no voice raising or name calling. Therefore, neither one of us leaving the house is not trying to prove any point. Just a matter of practicality based on our financial situation. We have both taken small but noticeable pay cuts in recent years. And we have agreed not to date. At least for now. Link to post Share on other sites
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