NC Day 2.....Trying to Stay Strong

[hissunshine]

I haven't posted in a few weeks as I have been trying to figure out what I needed to do. So here is the update...and yes....I know, if there were a "what not to do list when trying to end an A" I have probably hit every point. Anyway...

 

Two weeks ago today, xMM contacted me asking for that final meeting. The same day, I went on a date with New Guy. I made mistake number one by telling him I was seeing someone. xMM was absolutely floored. We met face to face on Monday and talked about the events of the week before (W was in the hospital and almost passed away due to an infection). He talked about the picture I had seen on FB of his holding W's hand. According to him, he never thought of telling me as it did not mean anything. His kids wanted a family picture taken before W started chemo again. Then we talked about how I just couldn't do it anymore, that I can't stay at the scene of this train wreck any longer. He started to cry and said that I was an absolutely selfless and beautiful person, inside and out and he just wanted me to be happy. He said he hoped that New Guy would do that. But most of all, he just couldn't watch himself hurt me any more. The end of the meeting, as I was leaving, he asked if maybe we could be friends.

 

So I get home, with my heart absolutely ripped to pieces. I have never seen him cry like that before. I just really hope that it was real. A few hours later, I broke down and texted him saying that I wanted to be friends that I couldn't imagine my life without him.

 

That week, I seen new guy a few more times and found some things that I did not really like. Now, I am pretty sure xMM had a huge impact on this, I am not going to argue with you. I am sure that I probably looked as hard as I possibly could to find fault so I could not see him anymore. xMM and I continued to text back and forth. Many comments were made about new guy...I told him at the end of the week that I wouldn't be seeing him anymore. He then started up with more comments about other guys that I would date. It really seemed very manipulative, even at the time.

 

This past week, the texting and calling returned to "normal" and towards the end of this week, we started talking about sleeping together again. I knew at this point that I had to end the "friendship". My mom always told me that lovers could never be friends, and I really think she was right. Also, we had many similar failed attempts at this in the past two years so it became crystal clear that NC was the only way to go.

 

So....Friday night after him being an assclown all day (it was decided that there will be no more treatment for W), I couldn't tolerate the crazy roller coaster any more (his moods over the past two weeks changed on an hourly basis)...I ended it via text. I knew that a phone call or another meeting would just leave the door open to me changing my mind again. I told him that we couldn't be each others lives until he was free and clear to be in mine.

 

I feel very depressed right now. Is that normal? My mind is so completely made up right now that I need to stay away from him until he is able to be himself again. The thought of him talking about all of Ws treatments, symptoms, emotions and everything that goes along with it makes me want to throw up! The thought of not knowing which mood I am going to have to deal with in a particular hour also makes me want to throw up. The thought of how mean he can be to me makes me want to throw up. It is pretty obvious now who was his punching bag while he dealt with his awful situation. I know everyone needs someone to take things out on, but I can't take it anymore.

[hdvem]

Hi there... I was the OW for a year and a half. It's a long, sordid story. I thought my xMM was different. Guess what, he wasn't! I don't think he ever intended to leave. It's taken such a toll on my life.

 

I've been "clean" for a few weeks now. I need you to trust me. Feel your feeling and feel sad - feel your heartbreak - but keep up the NO CONTACT. Give yourself at least 60 days.

 

Reclaim your life. See a counselor. Never, ever, enter anything like this again.

 

They lie to their wives. They lie to us. They only love themselves.

 

Take control of your life and RUN from him. You deserve SO MUCH BETTER.

[spice4life]

Hissunshine, it is not normal for someone to take their frustrations out on someone else. That's just wrong on so many levels. Believe me, I know from personal experience. My father thought (and still does) that it was/is okay to take his frustrations out on his family so he could be Mr. Stellar Awesome Dude to his friends. As a result, I ended up in relationships like that until I finally plunked my a** into therapy. Maybe you should do the same (therapy I mean). Being someone's whipping post is NOT normal in any way shape or form. Period! It can only happen if you allow it though. The choice is yours.

 

Stay NC and let him grieve the loss of his wife and this family grieve the loss of their mother.

[hissunshine]

Hi there... I was the OW for a year and a half. It's a long, sordid story. I thought my xMM was different. Guess what, he wasn't! I don't think he ever intended to leave. It's taken such a toll on my life.

 

I've been "clean" for a few weeks now. I need you to trust me. Feel your feeling and feel sad - feel your heartbreak - but keep up the NO CONTACT. Give yourself at least 60 days.

 

Reclaim your life. See a counselor. Never, ever, enter anything like this again.

 

They lie to their wives. They lie to us. They only love themselves.

 

Take control of your life and RUN from him. You deserve SO MUCH BETTER.

 

Thanks! You are so right about it taking a toll on our lives...It's unbelievable the impact that this has had on mine.

 

No contact is the only option. I started to panic a little earlier today. Tomorrow, when I go to work, I have to figure out a way to avoid running into him or even knowing where he is. We live in this small city and we both go to the same places for lunch, etc... It is just such a habit to go out at lunch time and look for him. I am planning travel out of town for Tuesday & Wednesday but that still leaves 3 days. ARGH!! Should I avoid any common spot completely just so there is no chance of seeing him??? How do you handle this?

[whichwayisup]

All along you were/are nowhere near ready to date anybody else, let alone find them sexually attractive or feel anything in your heart because of what you feel for your MM. It's way too soon to be intimate on all levels with someone else. Until you and MM end it once and for all, and you grieve the loss, dating probably isn't a good thing, it'll stress you out and also you don't want to hurt another guy when you are still into someone else (MM).

 

Anyway, you need to let go, this whole situation is messing you up and your MM is ALL OVER THE MAP EMOTIONALLY. He does love his wife, he just acts like he doesn't and minimizes it for your benefit. Him asking you to sleep with him again is bloody selfish and I'm glad you're seeing him in a different light. His main focus should be on his wife, but it isn't. Trust me, one day he'll regret his behaviour and have a huge break down.. And sadly, he'll probably blame you. He's treating you like crap now, imagine how bad it can get later on.

 

Do see a therapist or get yourself on anti D's if you continue to feel depressed and down.

[hissunshine]

Hissunshine, it is not normal for someone to take their frustrations out on someone else. That's just wrong on so many levels. Believe me, I know from personal experience. My father thought (and still does) that it was/is okay to take his frustrations out on his family so he could be Mr. Stellar Awesome Dude to his friends. As a result, I ended up in relationships like that until I finally plunked my a** into therapy. Maybe you should do the same (therapy I mean). Being someone's whipping post is NOT normal in any way shape or form. Period! It can only happen if you allow it though. The choice is yours.

 

Stay NC and let him grieve the loss of his wife and this family grieve the loss of their mother.

 

That's interesting because xMM took everything out on me so he could be Mr. Stellar Awesome Dad & Caregiver at home. But you are absolutely 100% right, it happened because I let it. Everything in the past two years went on because I was too weak to put my foot down.

 

Well, it will be day 3 tomorrow!

[spice4life]

That's interesting because xMM took everything out on me so he could be Mr. Stellar Awesome Dad & Caregiver at home. But you are absolutely 100% right, it happened because I let it. Everything in the past two years went on because I was too weak to put my foot down.

 

Well, it will be day 3 tomorrow!

 

Good for you! That's awesome! Now it's time for you to be Miss Stellar Awesome Woman to yourself.

 

Take NC one day atta time. And when that's hard take it one hour, one minute, one second at a time. Before you know it you will step into that light at the end of the tunnel.

[Catplates]

Hello there Sunshine.

 

Glad to see you back.

 

Yes, he has given you a pounding for sure. I went through xMMs 2 knee replacements... every single detail about how much pain etc she was in. All the time she was in hospital he was spending every minute he could with me! He ddddid n'treally care for either one of us. He was just having his fun.

 

Don't go anywhere near your old haunts. There will be memories and they will get under your skin.

 

Recently on Australia Day (my country) I ended up with a group of people at a place xMM and I were at 5 years ago. It brought a lot of old memories back after all that time. Yesterday ,the day after, I was miserable all day.

 

I do hope for your sake you can stay NC. Please don't try dating yet. It is a rebound thing . It is not fair to the poor guy you are dating for a start, and it will only make you more miserable when it falls in a heap.

 

Do you have good friend or family you can confide in? I found after xMM and I broke up, it was difficult to reestablish some friendships and my family were puzzled about whey I had been so remote for almost 3and a half years.. Look to these important people in your life. They are the ones who will support you.

 

Don't count on MR Superdad/Carer, because, darlin' , he will throw you under that bus quicker than you can blink.

 

MY heart goes out to you. Keep coming here. Some of us oldies have been there and done it all so we know what you are going through.

 

Cat