chifly Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 (edited) So in a nutshell, I've been friends with this guy "Jack" for over a year. Both of us in grad school although he's about 6 years older. Last year, we hung almost every night. He did everything for me and the same time called me out on my sh*t....and I sincerely loved and respected him. Jack is very guarded emotionally but I always knew he wanted more. There were occasions where he let down his emotional barrier a little, esp when he drank and he would admit that we should be something more and also that he's never been the type of guy to have a girl as a close friend. Somehow, I was able to keep us "just friends".... End of last year I start dating someone. Jack almost immediately cuts me out of his life and soon after begins dating this other girl. I tried and tried to just have a face to face conversation with him, but no success. A few weeks go by and I break up with the guy I was dating, partly due to the fact that I was still so upset about Jack and starting to realize maybe I had more feelings for him. I wrote him a letter right before our break confessing all this and apologizing for not realizing it sooner...I also said not to respond because I was already crossing the line. I slowly came to terms with the fact that this was somebody I really was in love with, but it was too late. The past couple months have been so depressing, but I didn't try to interfere anymore with his relationship. There were a few times, where - even at school - he would discretely squeeze my hand as he walked by ..but nothing was ever said. I tried not to read too much into it. Fast forward to last Friday - we are both at a social event hosted by the grad school. We don't acknowledge each other for the first hour or so, and then around 11PM he grabs me and takes me aside, and says "I've missed you". A got a little mad but then broke down, saying that he's more important to me than anyone I've ever met. Mind you, we are both a bit drunk...but for the next hour we sit in a corner and spill our guts. When I say how CONFUSING this all is, he says to pick a day next week and we'll get dinner. I think I said any day but Monday or Tuesday but I guess we never clarified the night. Anyway we continue to talk with our faces about 1 inch apart, and we notice people staring...so we walk back to his place. (I KNOW, it seems shady but I've never felt this intensely.) He goes on to say that he loves me and that I have always been the one and when I start to question his current situation, he interrupts me and says I am STILL the one. He talked about how he's seen me at my worst and yet that I was always perfect to him...until I started seeing someone else. According to him, this guy was so out of left field and so far "below" what I deserved that he felt like he didn't know me anymore. He said that the thought of me sleeping with this guy just made him sick and if I were to have dated anyone it should have clearly been him. Then, we kiss. Our first real kiss. It was very passionate and so intense. He stops and says to me, "if we'd started this last year, I would have married you by now." I start to tear up a little and I say...what now? At that very freaking moment his room mate walks in (who I know well). He stops, kind of smiles and just says "I knew it". It suddenly dawns on me HOW FAR we have crossed the line, so I get my stuff together in a hurry and call a taxi. As I leave he says again "I love you". Let me reiterate, he is one of the most emotionally guarded people I know. I'm still shocked that he said all those things. A day has gone by and I feel more confused and powerless than ever. He sent me an email saying 'Last night was great. Obviously things are extremely complicated, but last night was really great' I haven't responded because what the hell would I even say? I don't want to push him and tell him to dump his girlfriend but at the same time, how can I just sit back and do nothing after all that? If anything, I just want some clarification if there is any future for us or not. Any thoughts or advice on how to go about this would be greatly appreciated Edited January 27, 2013 by chifly typos Link to post Share on other sites
MsSmurf Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 Well it seems to me that you've clarified a few things: you have strong feelings for him, he has strong feelings for you, and he has a girlfriend that he is still actively involved with. There is nothing else you should be doing or saying until his relationship status changes. There is no need for you to issue him an ultimate because he knows that if he really wants to be with you he needs to make some changes. You also don't sound like you want to be the other woman, so don't be. And be clear with him on that if he contacts you. Do not initiate contact with him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chifly Posted January 28, 2013 Author Share Posted January 28, 2013 oh gosh, this is so tough. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chifly Posted January 29, 2013 Author Share Posted January 29, 2013 (edited) I know I shouldn't give these type of things a timeline, but how long is reasonable for me to sit back and just sort of 'let things happen'? Eventually, I need to know either way...you know? Thanks again for the advice Edited January 29, 2013 by chifly typo Link to post Share on other sites
in_absentia Posted January 29, 2013 Share Posted January 29, 2013 Jack doesn't like you enough to be with you, and he is a guy that cheats on his partner. Bit overly simplistic perhaps but I think those are the most salient points. Link to post Share on other sites
hestheone66 Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Hello. Your post really touched a nerve with me.. if you care to see a few years back I felt i was in a very similar situation, except that we didn't see each other often as he lived a long way away. He also got involved with someone.. I backed away graciously and always said to him that as long as he's happy etc etc. Fast forward about 12 months. he was trapped in his relationship and for many different reasons to do with his gf being quite clinically unstable (under psychiatric care)he wasn't living with her any more but she controlled who he spoke to under pain of having him arrested (long long story) Whenever he could, he would contact me (sometimes 2-3 months would pass) our bond never receeding but circumstances prevented us from being together. I didn't put my life on hold and began dating. I am seeing a very nice guy atm (for past 12 months) who doesn't want to 'own' me. I still have very strong feelings for the first guy who has no fully come out of his destructive relationship. My feelings to him have matured a little, and have learnt a lot from the experience of being involved with someone who could profess to love me, yet chose someone who nearly destroyed him. While our friendship is as strong as ever, potential for romantic investment has reduced somewhat. My advice to you is that given what he now knows about your feelings, he should disentangle himself, with all due respect to the feelings of the other woman. However, I ask that you take time and consdieration before just trying to 'be with' him.. being free to be together is not the same as being together and that is an important distinction that many do not make. Waiting at least a month after he's free from his relationship and however long that may take is a really good test of the devotion of both of you. I wish you luck and keep us up to date. Link to post Share on other sites
hestheone66 Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Hello. Your post really touched a nerve with me.. if you care to see a few years back I felt i was in a very similar situation, except that we didn't see each other often as he lived a long way away. He also got involved with someone.. I backed away graciously and always said to him that as long as he's happy etc etc. Fast forward about 12 months. he was trapped in his relationship and for many different reasons to do with his gf being quite clinically unstable (under psychiatric care)he wasn't living with her any more but she controlled who he spoke to under pain of having him arrested (long long story) Whenever he could, he would contact me (sometimes 2-3 months would pass) our bond never receeding but circumstances prevented us from being together. I didn't put my life on hold and began dating. I am seeing a very nice guy atm (for past 12 months) who doesn't want to 'own' me. I still have very strong feelings for the first guy who has no fully come out of his destructive relationship. My feelings to him have matured a little, and have learnt a lot from the experience of being involved with someone who could profess to love me, yet chose someone who nearly destroyed him. While our friendship is as strong as ever, potential for romantic investment has reduced somewhat. My advice to you is that given what he now knows about your feelings, he should disentangle himself, with all due respect to the feelings of the other woman. However, I ask that you take time and consdieration before just trying to 'be with' him.. being free to be together is not the same as being together and that is an important distinction that many do not make. Waiting at least a month after he's free from his relationship and however long that may take is a really good test of the devotion of both of you. I wish you luck and keep us up to date. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chifly Posted February 2, 2013 Author Share Posted February 2, 2013 hestheone66, thank you so much for the insight. I've realized this week that it was important that I (finally) did communicate my feelings and now patience definitely is so important. He keeps checking it up on me, but I'm not his emotional fluffer. You're right, he needs to disentangle himself from this current relationship (if he wants to) and figure it out.... in_absentia, good luck with your life. Link to post Share on other sites
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