need advice about my daughter, urgently!

[jamie]

my daughter moved out when she was 18 with her boyfriend. it didn't work out so he moved back to his home state. her friends all moved in with her male and females.

 

in her last month of her lease they couldn't come up with the rent so she got evicted anyway. then she was going to move to california with all these friends but turned up pregnant by one of them.

 

well now her baby is six weeks old and she has been living with me since she got evicted. so now she is ready to spread her wings again and move in to a different apartment with her friend and her husband and their two kids.

 

they have all been very good friends and they all want to live together. i know my daughter drinks and has smoked pot as do the others.

 

she works parttime and is going to start school in january. i don't want her to move out, but if she does i want her to get her own place and be a responsible parent.

 

i know she will take good care of her son and they will help each other, still i feel uncomfortable about this. i can't stop her but i can't keep harping on her either cause soon she just wont tell me anything at all and i know i will lose her forever.

 

i also don't want to keep letting her make these mistakes thinking she can just come home if it don't work out. but i don't want to tell her she can't come home either.

 

i'm really lost on how to handle this and what to do, i love my daughter so much and watching her make mistakes is tearing me apart inside and so is her leaving and taking my adorable grandson.

 

any advice on what i can do or say to her? we are very very close so i know she will take what i say into consideration, but she is adamant about moving with them.

 

thanks for any advice....................jamie

[Tony T]

Isn't parenthood great???

 

Your daughter is an adult and is entitled to make decisions for herself. You raised her to make sound and proper decisions and, ultimately, she will make them.

 

Right now, she's going to have to go through some learning situations. Could take months...could take years. I know that seeing your daughter suffer and get herself tangled in certain situations is heartbreaking for you but the best thing you can do is not try to control her life. Give her advice if she asks for it and otherwise leave her to her own devices.

 

You don't deserve to put yourself through hell for years to come worrying about your daughter's life. If she gets into a jam and you can help, fine. If you can't, don't.

 

You had plenty of time while she was growing up to get your two cents in. Now it's her turn to live the way she wants to. The only thing you can do is wish her the best.

 

When things fail and she needs a place to stay, let her stay at your home if it's practical and convenient for you to do so. While she is in your home, make it clear that she has to live by your rules. Stay off her case as long as she abides by the house rules you set, curfews, visitor restrictions, rent payment agreements, etc.

 

When she lives away from your home, she is the captain of her ship. Let her make the mistakes she needs to make. She'll learn.

 

You will drive yourself crazy worrying about her. Stop it this minute.

[jamie]

thank you tony, i know your right that that is the right thing to do but i guess i needed to hear it from someone that letting go is what i need to do for her to grow and to grow up.

 

i am going to wish her well and hope for the best that she takes great care of my little grandson, thank you for the inspiration and kick in the butt!.........jamie

Isn't parenthood great??? Your daughter is an adult and is entitled to make decisions for herself. You raised her to make sound and proper decisions and, ultimately, she will make them. Right now, she's going to have to go through some learning situations. Could take months...could take years. I know that seeing your daughter suffer and get herself tangled in certain situations is heartbreaking for you but the best thing you can do is not try to control her life. Give her advice if she asks for it and otherwise leave her to her own devices. You don't deserve to put yourself through hell for years to come worrying about your daughter's life. If she gets into a jam and you can help, fine. If you can't, don't. You had plenty of time while she was growing up to get your two cents in. Now it's her turn to live the way she wants to. The only thing you can do is wish her the best. When things fail and she needs a place to stay, let her stay at your home if it's practical and convenient for you to do so. While she is in your home, make it clear that she has to live by your rules. Stay off her case as long as she abides by the house rules you set, curfews, visitor restrictions, rent payment agreements, etc. When she lives away from your home, she is the captain of her ship. Let her make the mistakes she needs to make. She'll learn. You will drive yourself crazy worrying about her. Stop it this minute.

[Ed]

I really don't know if I have any advice for you in this situation, but I can ramble on for minute about some of the things you brought up. Maybe that will help.

 

Your daughter is of the age of accountability. She is considered to be an adult as far as the law is concerned. There is really nothing you can do about the decisions that she makes regarding herself and her son. The environment you describe her moving into with her friends is obviously less than desirable conditions to rear a child. But, here again, she's the mother and she has the say so, that is, unless you intend to bring some kind of charges of neglect against her and have the child removed from her care. That could happen anyway, if she is caught violating drug laws.

 

The only way you can talk any sense into this girl is if she comes to you and asks you for advice. I know you are concerned about the well being of your daughter and grandson. You need to continue letting her know that you care about them. What you need to watch out for - is her using and manipulating you into feeling sorry for her because she has made some poor choices in the past. Be supportive of her good choices, like going to school. At the same time, you don't have to completely give in to her every last minute request for help (barring any danger to your grandson).

 

She has to learn how to live on her own in this world and make healthy choices for herself and her son. You already know how difficult it is to watch your child do things that you wouldn't do. She is an adult now and you can't save her from herself. All you can do is love her and give her guidance when the opportunity arises.

[Deejette]

She will grow up one day and realize the mistake she is making. It is hard to stand by and watch someone you love living an unstable life. But just like the mother Robin kicks the baby bird out of the nest so it will learn to fly, you must do the same. You can tell her you will always be there for her, but now she is on her own and must take responsibility for the decisions she has made. You cannot keep bailin her out, or she will not learn.

I really don't know if I have any advice for you in this situation, but I can ramble on for minute about some of the things you brought up. Maybe that will help. Your daughter is of the age of accountability. She is considered to be an adult as far as the law is concerned. There is really nothing you can do about the decisions that she makes regarding herself and her son. The environment you describe her moving into with her friends is obviously less than desirable conditions to rear a child. But, here again, she's the mother and she has the say so, that is, unless you intend to bring some kind of charges of neglect against her and have the child removed from her care. That could happen anyway, if she is caught violating drug laws. The only way you can talk any sense into this girl is if she comes to you and asks you for advice. I know you are concerned about the well being of your daughter and grandson. You need to continue letting her know that you care about them. What you need to watch out for - is her using and manipulating you into feeling sorry for her because she has made some poor choices in the past. Be supportive of her good choices, like going to school. At the same time, you don't have to completely give in to her every last minute request for help (barring any danger to your grandson).

 

She has to learn how to live on her own in this world and make healthy choices for herself and her son. You already know how difficult it is to watch your child do things that you wouldn't do. She is an adult now and you can't save her from herself. All you can do is love her and give her guidance when the opportunity arises.