My racy photos are in a present my conservative boyfriend got. ow do I handle this?

[Untouchable_Fire]

the disingenuous twist of the post from the sex-starved bitter men. What a surprise!

Nope, as anyone with casual sex/dating experience knows: you are more careless with people you don't care about and you take your time with others whom you like because you don't want to get burned.

Not that hard to work out really.

It's not about NOT having sex but rather getting to know the person before you have sex with him because you know you will bond.

Why would anyone fault that? Men like Mr Castle (I'm sure he won't mind my quoting his name) say how much more careful they are with women whom they are scared of getting close to. Kinda common sense, non?

 

That isn't common sense... that is stupidity.

 

You are willing to get extremely intimate with someone you don't know at all... potentially risk STD, Pregnancy, Serial Killer... ect, VS. someone you really like and waiting until you "know" them?

 

If stupidity was an art... that kind of thinking would be a DaVinci Classic!

[O'Malley]

Firstly, if I was him I would not really appreciate how my friends shared the information with me. I understand they would want to tell me, but I think there is a more mature way to do it than buy him that book as a birthday present. A good friend would have say "hey bro, I wanted to let you know some information I found out"--one on one, knowing it would hurt him. Not showing the whole gang of friends (I'm sure only one guy found it but then shared it with everyone for a good laugh) and buying a book as a birthday present. I call tasteless on that one, b/c it's not funny and not a birthday gag. Low friend caliber.

 

Secondly, give it time. He is angry and in shock. The main thing is he is probably embarrassed all his friends have seen you naked (I would be doing some friend cleaning if I were him), and also that he thinks ex bfs were more attractive to you.

 

This is the the crux of it. No doubt that he was going being taken aback - most people would be a little disturbed to discover nude images of their SO, even in a professional publication, in such a sh*t stirring manner by the so called pals (a little envy and desire to one up the bf played a role on their end). He's retroactively jealous of what she shared with her ex, something that's easy to fall prey to, but that doesn't mean that she's to be held accountable to him for decisions that she made when he wasn't in the picture.

 

The other side of this is that he's been involved with the OP for around a year, enough time for him to gauge her character and make a determination based on that, rather than a two dimensional image. Most people, even the more straight arrow types, do have a few minor skeletons lurking in their closet; they tend to get divulged in long term relationships but not always. Some omissions - about nude images or risque encounters - are quite obviously not on the same order of magnitude as others. This was a one time event that's had little bearing on her character or current life, so hopefully he'll come around.

[Drseussgrrl]

So you took some nude-y photos. So effin' what. You're probably hot and I'm jealous of the confidence it must take to do that.

 

The people I have most issue with here are his friends. It's kind of a sick joke and not funny - and now look at the issue it's caused in your relationship. They need to grow up.

 

I agree that it's one thing to have a professional do your photos and quite another to have a grainy nude-y pic taken by a camera phone that can be texted in the blink of an eye. No thanks.

 

I don't really know what to tell you here - he's going to feel the way he's going to feel and all you can really do is roll with it. Explain that it's part of your past but welp, they're out there now and there's really nothing either one of you can do about it.

[aed]

For all the girls here that say: She can't do anything. Tell him it was the past! It clearly wasn't because she wanted him to think she was 'good' girl!

 

He knows their are guys out their, that she is more comfortable with and is willing to go further and she is more attracted to. SHe needs to SHOW him that he is the guy, she is the most comfortable with in every way. (this doesn't mean she has to do things she doesn't want). But for him it will look: she is not really that into him!

[Drseussgrrl]

For all the girls here that say: She can't do anything. Tell him it was the past! It clearly wasn't because she wanted him to think she was 'good' girl!

 

He knows their are guys out their, that she is more comfortable with and is willing to go further. SHe needs to SHOW him that he is the guy, she is the most comfortable with in every way. (this doesn't mean she has to do things she doesn't want). But for him it will look: she is not really that into him!

 

This is pure male ego talking. Just because I might have felt comfortable doing something in the past, doesn't entitle every single dude I date to expect it. And it has nothing whatsoever to do with my feelings or comfort level.

 

I took nude polaroids with an ex when I was very young. When we broke up, sure enough he tried to use them to blackmail me into coming back, threatening to send them to my parents. I had to get a judge to order him to give them back, and I burned every single one of them.

 

Never again. Sorry, future boyfriends.

[aed]

This is pure male ego talking. Just because I might have felt comfortable doing something in the past, doesn't entitle every single dude I date to expect it. And it has nothing whatsoever to do with my feelings or comfort level.

 

I took nude polaroids with an ex when I was very young. When we broke up, sure enough he tried to use them to blackmail me into coming back, threatening to send them to my parents. I had to get a judge to order him to give them back, and I burned every single one of them.

 

Never again. Sorry, future boyfriends.

 

 

That is understandable, because you had an bad experience with that guy!

 

But it's not about male ego here A conclusion allot of women here in this thread like to make!

 

How would you feel about this: You are dating with the guy of your dreams for a year (and you are really connecting with him), but he doesn't want you to meet his parents 'yet' then you find out that when he is serious about a girl he introduced those girls right away. Do you think that guy is really into you?

[TaraMaiden]

For all the girls here that say: She can't do anything. Tell him it was the past! It clearly wasn't because she wanted him to think she was 'good' girl!

 

He knows their are guys out their, that she is more comfortable with and is willing to go further and she is more attracted to. SHe needs to SHOW him that he is the guy, she is the most comfortable with in every way. (this doesn't mean she has to do things she doesn't want). But for him it will look: she is not really that into him!

 

There. Not Their.

 

It makes a difference, and sadly, on a forum where ALL communication is in writing, it will affect peoples' perceptions of you.

 

Thanks.

[aed]

There. Not Their.

 

It makes a difference, and sadly, on a forum where ALL communication is in writing, it will affect peoples' perceptions of you.

 

Thanks.

 

Sorry, thanks for correcting me

[Drseussgrrl]

Are you seriously comparing meeting the parents to taking nude photos?

 

LOL.

[aed]

Are you seriously comparing meeting the parents to taking nude photos?

 

LOL.

 

No i'm comparing something that is importent to us guys (not the pictures), but knowing she is not that into me, like she is/was with her ex.

with something girls find very important. Men and women are different and we experience things different even when it seems we have the same kind of problems.

 

When you as a girl always gave oral to your ex bfs and is not willing to do this with your current bf. You are not that attracted and invested in him. Same thing with my example of meeting the parents for a girl. The girl will think he is not really into her! even do I can come up with 100 excusses of why she shouldn't be so worried.

[Lonely Ronin]

he also wanted to take those pictures (and it's not like he is an hypocrite), she declined but not because she is not that type of girl. Because she wanted her bf to be in love with an image of herself she made him believe she is.

 

Now you are reading into stuff, in none of her posts, did the OP say he asked and she refused.

 

To Silvermercy: his problem is everything - that I did it, that I didn't do it with him, that I did it it with loser ex, all of it

 

This sounds exactly like an after the fact insecurity gripe.

 

He is questioning her loyalty and attraction for him. Why did she do those things with an ex (and even signed to get those things released), and not with me? Don't I arouse her enough? WHy is she with me, because I am save, easy to manupilate , or is she really attracted to me sexually? This are things that are going true his mind.

 

Yea, and everyone of those things are things an insecure man child would do. People make mistakes and do things they regret later on, early in life. It's called growing up, you make mistakes and learn from them.

 

If he can't see past it, my point still stands, he's insecure little dweeb.

[Taramere]

I think the social issue is the biggest one, and you really can't do anything about it. Having been in a similar situation once... I can tell you that its really embarrassing and ruins the privacy in a relationship.

 

Yes. I thought The Final Word had the only male perspective here that would give the relationship a fighting chance. Unless her boyfriend shares it, she's better off just cutting ties now. These colleagues of his aren't likely to let up until the relationship is dead and buried.

[TaraMaiden]

OFF-TOPIC:

 

Sorry, thanks for correcting me

 

(Thank you for being a sport, and taking it well. I wasn't out to cause offence.... OK, Back to topic! )

[Els]

Yes. I thought The Final Word had the only male perspective here that would give the relationship a fighting chance. Unless her boyfriend shares it, she's better off just cutting ties now. These colleagues of his aren't likely to let up until the relationship is dead and buried.

 

Hey, Ronin's isn't bad at all!

[aed]

Now you are reading into stuff, in none of her posts, did the OP say he asked and she refused.

 

 

 

This sounds exactly like an after the fact insecurity gripe.

 

 

 

Yea, and everyone of those things are things an insecure man child would do. People make mistakes and do things they regret later on, early in life. It's called growing up, you make mistakes and learn from them.

 

If he can't see past it, my point still stands, he's insecure little dweeb.

 

Yeah the world is easy. When a guy is having problems with his gf her behaviour he is an insecure little guy. But when a girl is having problems with a guys behaviour, the guy must be jerk.

 

Did she ever say: she regretted taking those pictures, I never read it!

 

It's about commitment for him and he is thinking (at the moment) she is not that into him. Ofcourse he feels insecure because he loves her or else he would have break up with her.

[Taramere]

Hey, Ronin's isn't bad at all!

 

I was just wishing I could edit to add him. Johan too, and also scratch (who didn't contribute, but I was going on to him about it yesterday - he was of the view that she should get some private professional pics made for the current boyfriend).

 

Generally though, there's this sense of "my God, she was so deceitful". Of course, none of us have a window into their relationship, but based purely on what she's said in the thread I'm just not seeing how failure to tell him that an ex boyfriend took naked pics of her constitutes lying. Nor do I see that having her pics taken is necessarily all that inconsistent with a fairly conservative sort of outlook on like. Like Dr S, I rather admire her for having the confidence to let somebody take those pics - though I think her story demonstrates the risks of such a decision.

[ThaWholigan]

Yes. I thought The Final Word had the only male perspective here that would give the relationship a fighting chance. Unless her boyfriend shares it, she's better off just cutting ties now. These colleagues of his aren't likely to let up until the relationship is dead and buried.

I think it is an ego thing to be honest. But I think that the POV of the men here isn't really being that understood. It's admittedly not one I share (I wouldn't be that bothered what she did - I'm fairly confident I can get a girl to be wild for me because I'm not really a "conservative" guy), but I understand that a guy might be a little put out by her unwillingness to be a little more naughty for him - regardless of how "conservative" he comes across as.

[Lonely Ronin]

Yeah the world is easy. When a guy is having problems with his gf her behaviour he is an insecure little guy. But when a girl is having problems with a guys behaviour, the guy must be jerk.

 

Did she ever say: she regretted taking those pictures, I never read it!

 

It's about commitment for him and he is thinking (at the moment) she is not that into him. Ofcourse he feels insecure because he loves her or else he would have break up with her.

 

actually I was wrong, she did deny him.

 

Anyway what I think would add to Jim's (obviously I changed his name) not feeling so good is that like I said before, he's tied to snap a few nudes of me in the past and I didn't let him.

 

Either way, my point still stands, people do stupid crap and the learn from it. Every person who has smoked weed once or twice in their life isn't a pot head. Every woman who has had a ONS isn't easy, every man who has had ONS isn't only looking for sex. Every relationship is different, because they involve 2 different people. Things that happen in one aren't guaranteed to happen in the next.

 

The dud is being supper insecure, and if he can't his friends to back off, then he is showing even bigger signs of insecurity. I mean honestly non of my friends would give me a present like that as a sick joke. if for no other reason than because i'd most likely jack them in the face for it.

[Lonely Ronin]

I think it is an ego thing to be honest. But I think that the POV of the men here isn't really being that understood. It's admittedly not one I share (I wouldn't be that bothered what she did - I'm fairly confident I can get a girl to be wild for me because I'm not really a "conservative" guy), but I understand that a guy might be a little put out by her unwillingness to be a little more naughty for him - regardless of how "conservative" he comes across as.

 

I'm conservative, more than most, but I'm also supper confident. I think that's the issue here more than anything else, the dude isn't confident or secure in his own sexuality.

[Taramere]

I think it is an ego thing to be honest. But I think that the POV of the men here isn't really being that understood. It's admittedly not one I share (I wouldn't be that bothered what she did - I'm fairly confident I can get a girl to be wild for me because I'm not really a "conservative" guy), but I understand that a guy might be a little put out by her unwillingness to be a little more naughty for him - regardless of how "conservative" he comes across as.

 

I can understand that too. I think that regardless of gender, anybody should be able to understand the hurt of a partner not being prepared to put themselves out for you in a way that they were for a previous partner. I would be hurt too, but I would try to investigate the reasons first. Right of reply and all that. We can't always predict a person's reasons for behaving in a certain way and asking questions rather than just making assumptions can sometimes save quite a bit of unnecessary grief. I think particularly in a case like this.

 

As Dr S's experience shows, sometimes we did something, got burned as a result and don't want to do it again. When I read the post my immediate thought was "I wouldn't pose for naked pics full stop (this story demonstrates why" but if I were thinking about it I'd have to be feeling really good about myself and I'd also want to know that the pictures were going to look really nice.

 

Cellphone pics are liable to just have that very dodgy amateur look that a man might well find a turn on (in a sleazy way) but that a woman probably isn't going to be happy featuring in. As it turns out, that wasn't a consideration in this particular case though.

[aed]

actually I was wrong, she did deny him.

 

 

 

Either way, my point still stands, people do stupid crap and the learn from it. Every person who has smoked weed once or twice in their life isn't a pot head. Every woman who has had a ONS isn't easy, every man who has had ONS isn't only looking for sex. Every relationship is different, because they involve 2 different people. Things that happen in one aren't guaranteed to happen in the next.

 

The dud is being supper insecure, and if he can't his friends to back off, then he is showing even bigger signs of insecurity. I mean honestly non of my friends would give me a present like that as a sick joke. if for no other reason than because i'd most likely jack them in the face for it.

 

and why didn't she let him?

 

The dud is insecure but from a guys point of view, what you don't seem to understand, and most of all why a guy is insecure in this matter?

 

I agree: if his insucrity comes from his friends at work: joke about him and that picture then ofcourse he should men up aganst them and defend his girl. But I am not reading that, only that they give him that book.

[TaraMaiden]

hmmm... I've got to say I understand why the BF is upset... I had something similar with an ex, something really stupid, but it started to really eat away at me, and annoy me and in the end it was one of the reasons we split up...

 

and it came down to this, very daft thing (in the grand scheme of things)

 

I asked for a BJ in the car... she said she didn't do that kind of 'public' stuff... ok fine I thought...some people just don't like that kind of thing...

 

then I find out, she had sex and gave BJs to her ex everywhere (car parks, cinema, forest, etc)... the guy she 'hated' and 'was nothing compared to me'... he wasn't the guy she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, I was!!!!!

 

and this may be me being immature, bruised ego, or whatever, but it did really, genuinely hurt....

 

as I said, just one of the issues we had... but thought it was kind of on topic, so I would share...

 

 

Possible she thought the opposite way to you... She was actually ashamed of previous behaviour, and deemed it unladylike, tramp-ish and something that would have given her a bad reputation.

She might have felt "I did that previously, but it wasn't an adult or mature way to behave, and I don't think it's any way a young lady should behave or conduct herself in..."

 

I'm guessing this is the OP's thought pattern too.... and if your ex- hid it from you, then it's not that she was trying to deceive you - she was trying to protect you by not shattering your perception of her, and save herself from being judged harshly.

 

Damned if she did, and damned if she didn't, I guess.....

[ThaWholigan]

I can understand that too. I think that regardless of gender, anybody should be able to understand the hurt of a partner not being prepared to put themselves out for you in a way that they were for a previous partner. I would be hurt too, but I would try to investigate the reasons first. Right of reply and all that. We can't always predict a person's reasons for behaving in a certain way and asking questions rather than just making assumptions can sometimes save quite a bit of unnecessary grief. I think particularly in a case like this.

 

It reminds me of some of the recent PUA books I used to read - about the girl doing all the cool, sexual things with the bad boy, jerk, ex-boyfriend and then being all prim and proper with the new boyfriend who doesn't get the experience of his new GFs wild-side that apparently some other dudes who "weren't worthy" got to cherish and experience. He is probably feeling inadequate about it too - why wouldn't she do it with me? What is wrong with me? Am I not sexy, or am I a chump? These are the questions that he will be asking himself. Investigating those reasons will not bring much solace if that is the case. It is enough to make a man who is even slightly insecure of his sexuality, much more insecure.

 

In most of the books, they emphasized the need to become the guy that she is willing to do wild things with sexually, and be more adventurous in general. I never understood why it was so emphasized until I came to this forum. Even when I saw these things happen in real life - in fact it HAPPENED TO ME!!! Well, not quite because I was never dating her. But she told me straight "If I sexed you, I would be your first, and I'm not good for it" - right before she said "I would call someone else to blow my back out". It flew over my head at the time, but it made much more sense later. She saw me as that "conservative" guy who she didn't do wild things with.

 

That did hurt my confidence a little, so I made sure that I added a new dimension to my character - I knew I wasn't a conservative guy anyway, but if she saw me that way, it wasn't a good thing at that time. So I decided I would be both. I would still be the same guy, who is a cool guy - but I would also be a guy that a woman is adventurous enough with and sees me as someone she can trust to do "wild" things with too.

 

So this is why I understand.

[Lonely Ronin]

The dud is insecure but from a guys point of view, what you don't seem to understand, and most of all why a guy is insecure in this matter?

 

I'm a guy. I know i haven't been the "best" or the "first" for every woman I have been with, and frankly I don't care. Every relationship is different, so different things will happen in them. This is no different than a guy getting all pissed off, because his GF didn't sleep with him for months, but she left with a previous bf on the second date. This isn't a man or a woman thing, it's an insecurity thing, period.

[TheFinalWord]

No i'm comparing something that is importent to us guys (not the pictures), but knowing she is not that into me, like she is/was with her ex.

 

Not necessarily. How old are you? I ask because as you become older, you change as a person.

 

Currently, I am a Christian and believe in waiting until marriage to sleep together. But I have not always been that way. Before becoming a Christian I was into drugs, played in metal band, and had sex with my girlfriends.

 

If I was dating a woman now, I would want to wait for marriage to have sex. That does not mean I think she is less attractive. On the contrary, from my personal experiences, the fact I would want to wait is because I value her and am more attracted to her...an opinion that has changed with time This girl not doing the pics could be the very same thing. People change and b/c she no longer wants to take these pics does not mean she is less attracted to her boyfriend. The boyfriend may think so, but like I said it can be overcome. I don't know these people, their relationship, or his side (for once I wish both people would come and give their perspectives lol). I do think I would have told if something like photo evidence was out there b/c I think I would be pretty shocked if I had no clue my gf was like that. How to bring it up, I don't know. Too many unknown variables to engage in hypotheticals like that. But I also don't think my mates sending me a "lulz here's a book of your gf doing nude pics...happy birthday!" would be score many friend points for me.

 

A bit off topic, one thing I do know, is I thank God regularly the Internet was not around in my early 20s, God knows what would be on there! :lmao: Please though everyone (I think FitChick said earlier) refrain from the sexting and web cam vids! Do something for the person you will be in 5 years.